But why.

 I had a rough night.

After coming home from my trip everything is just hitting me square in the face.  I lost Miyagi. I gave Ninja to my son.  My home is empty.

Yesterday i washed my carpets and put them back down.  I gathered all the items that go along with living with four legged friends.  My son doesn't want anything for Ninja, he's acclimated her to using the pet food and litter that they use for Mal.  He says she is settling in nicely and is part of the family.

I know i did the right thing, but it makes me feel guilty.  Ninja lost her best friend (even though Miyagi barely put up with her) and then i not only left her, but rehomed her with my son while i was gone.

What a shitty cat parent.  

I don't want to be responsible for another life.  I don't want to make that kind of decision again.  I waited too long for Miyagi, i see that now.  I let him suffer.  I was blind. I failed him.  I knew he was getting older and i had looked into at home euthanasia for when the time came.  I wanted him home, in his bed, with me and Ninja there.  Like a normal day for him.  But instead, i waited too long and i still don't know what happened.

He was eating in the kitchen and i was in the living room.  I heard crashing, and thought something had fallen.  Then i heard him crying.  I found him laying on the floor spasming with his tongue out.  His little body.  I still don't know what made the crashing sound.  A well meaning friend suggested that this could have been happening while i wasn't home.....that maybe it wasn't his first episode.

But it was his last.  I should have been a better friend and not let him go through this.

I was mad at Ninja because she was still here.  I felt coldness for her.  I wondered if it wasn't her fault, even though i know it wasn't.  I couldn't cuddle her and kept pushing her away.  I have a hole in my heart.

Yes, Miyagi was a dog. 

I don't think i will survive the loss of a person close to me.

I literally hurt.  My brain tells me this is life, this is nature, this is normal.  This happens.  But why does it HURT.  Is it a flaw in creation?  If this happens to everyone, why does it HURT so much when it happens. This hurts. 

Maybe i was wrong to let Ninja go but because she is with my son, and because i know she will be loved and spoiled in a way that i can no longer give to her......i feel it was best for her.  

What do i do with all these well loved things?  Before i left for vacation i filled my sons car with what i thought was most of Miyagi's belongings.  I told him to donate it, or give it to someone he knew would use it,  but NOT to throw it away......and not to tell me what he did with it.  I don't want to know.

I kept some things, and i will make something out of them to remember him.  When i'm old and senile maybe it will make me smile to remember.  I took his name tag off his collar and I wear it on a long chain around my neck so it sits on my heart.  He wore it for ten years.  Now i wear it.

Ridiculous.  But he was literally my best friend in the world.  His little body stretched out along side mine at night.  I couldn't sleep without him.  He went everywhere with me, literally.  I never went a full 24 hours without him.  He moved 5 times in 5 years with me, he snuggled me during heartbreak, when i was lonely, he was always there with me.  When i started to lose my shit he would bark bark bark and redirect my thoughts to quieting him instead of spiraling.  He was my sanity.

And now i have this hole.  

No more pets.  It hurts too much to lose them.  I failed him when he needed me to take care of him.