ugh. Leave well enough alone

 But no, i will not do that again.

I will not throw myself into a relationship on blind faith and hope that the feelings are returned.  I will not behave as a girlfriend/wife for a man who is not committed to me.

Or one who doesn't want to "label" it.

I don't have to be a genius to figure out why.  None of the reasons really matter either because the bottom line is...i'm not the one.  Not today.  Mayyyyybe someday.  But not today.  I have not been chosen.  I am good enough for now though.

I'm not trying to be sarcastic.  To me, a man who cannot say he is in a relationship with me owes me nothing.  Not loyalty, not commitment, no reason to be faithful, or consider me in any way.  Thats what dating is.  When you are figuring it out.  Deciding if this is the one you want to choose.  

And if not, you just keep me on the line until you find the one you do.  Or not.  But there is no relationship.  Because, you never claimed me.  

Carlos did that.  I'd spend time at his house, didn't require that he continue to "date" me by taking me out, keeping my interest, proving himself to me.......I just fell right into being available for him.  And that was a huge mistake that i still regret.  Perhaps if i hadn't been so available, so agreeable, a little less enthusiastic about him..........he would have had time to actually want me.

Or maybe not.  We'll never know.

Bill doesn't want anything on social media.  He is adament about saying he is only spending time with me, and Carlos said the same thing.  I believed him, and i believe Bill.  But i'm not the go between, or the good enough for now girl.  I'm a keeper.  

They call it a situationship.  I call it messy.  Bill has his reasons, that really are none of my business.  What IS my business is how i handle myself, and how i spend my time.  What i make a priority.  And after todays conversation, which wasn't bad, He cannot be my priority.

I come first in my life.  I'm single.  I'm spending time with Bill.  No labels, his choice.  Not mine.  I've been clear how i feel and he has made it clear how he feels.  Thats the good part.  Better to know.  Will i begin dating others now?  No.  But if i meet a man, i'm not committed to anyone.  I'm free to flow...i mean go with the flow.

Yes, i have feelings for him, yes he told me he had feelings for me when we got back together.  Do i feel duped?  A little, yes.  But he's not the only man to say whatever he needs to to get what he wants.

Men always love the way i make them feel loved.  How i adore them.  How i stroke their ego and make them feel less alone.  But you know, they never return that favor.  And my charity work quota is filled.

When a man makes a choice to not claim me, that is completely up to him.  He's not ready, or he has too much on his plate or mind....whatever his reasoning is, it's not enough for me.  There was a time i felt bad about it.  I felt unworthy, not enough looks, personality, money or whatever the story was that i told myself.

But i don't deal in stories anymore.  I am a smart beautiful woman with a good job and a beautiful family.  I have very close friends.  My life is good.  I have my shit together and i'm FUN.  But i'm not for just anyone.  He needs to be worthy of me.  And a man who cannot choose me, is not worthy.

I'm not breaking up with Bill - i'm not looking to fill his place.  I'm going with the flow, as the men like to say.  I'm stepping back.  That is what going with the flow looks like to me.  It looks like i stay home in my comfortable space with my own pets after work.  I also have a comfy recliner i can fall asleep in and not have to drive home after.  It looks like I make plans and if i have spare time, you can take me out.  But i'm not just "hanging" out like i'm in a relationship.  No Sir, no thank you.  I have enough friends.  If you want my time, you can earn it. You aren't offering me anything interesting.  You need to prove to me that i want to be around you, doing nothing, just because you are that good.  THAT is relationship status, when you no longer need to court me.  These men got it twisted.  

I have everything i need.  I don't "need" Bill.  Or any man.  I take care of my own needs.  I want a relationship.  Why would i put effort into "no labels" or anything or one who cannot see that i am the prize?

I don't have to prove it to anyone.  Don't know if i'm "IT"?  Thats okay. I will not continue to lament on how Carlos didn't work out, How my ex cheated on me, how my ex husband chose drugs over his family.......None of it was anything i ever had any control over. All of it was wasted time with only myself to blame because i SETTLED.  Never. Again. 

Someday, a man is going to see me and know he wants me in his life.  He is going to know he wants me, all of me.  Not just the parts he picks.  HE will commit, he will profess love and he will adore me just as much as i adore him.  In public, in front of the world. That is love. 

Until that day, i'm all about me.  Me first, what is best for me only, and frankly, i don't care about making anyone elses life better while they wait for something they think is worth committing to.

I'm not sad.  I'm relieved that my feelings were correct.  I'm getting in deeper and i'm attached to someone who is not in the same place as me.  Doesn't make him a bad man.  But right now, i do not "have a man" and will live my life accordingly.

Whats that song?  If you like it then you should have put a ring on it?  yeah.  THAT.  I deserve to be shown off to the world, proudly.  He should be thrilled he gets to be with me.  

Nothing less.  Fuck that nonsense.