On Monday night, 1/12/26, I heard a crash in the kitchen. I saw my cat on her tower, so i knew it wasn't her. I went into the kitchen and my best friend in the whole world was laying on his side, tongue out, crying and seemingly unable to move.
I don't know for sure, but I believe he had a seizure. I grabbed my coat and my wallet, wrapped him in a blanket and drove to the animal hospital with him in my lap. All the way there i talked to him about the day i met him, why i fell in love with him, all the good times we have had together, what he means to me and how he has improved my life. I promised him i would not be selfish, i would not let him suffer.
At christmas time my kids had "the talk" with me about Miyagi. They had seen a huge difference in his appearance and behavior. I knew he was getting older and starting to lose his eyesight, not being as active, losing weight, and that he had a little doggie dementia. I always gave him food whenever he wanted it, it was always out for him. For a while, he was eating at 2am and that meant me having to get up and "touch" his food so he would eat it.
I would do anything for this dog. He was still eating, peeing and pooping, greeting me at the door to go outside. He didn't appear to be in pain. I wasn't going to put him down because he was getting older.
I was worried about going away for a week and not having him with me. I was scared that something might happen and i wouldn't be able to get to him. But i'm a worrier. That is what i do.
When the vet came in to talk to me they couldn't immediately find what had happened to him. All his vitals were good, he didn't have a temperature and he was breathing well. He did have a small heart murmer, his teeth were bad (what was left) and he was underweight. They could keep him for testing to find out what was wrong.
I could never take him to clean his teeth because they would put him under anesthesia and i knew his little body would not survive it. Miyagi was a stubborn boy, and would only eat what he has been eating for 10 years. I tried everything, co-workers tried everything, friends tried everything...he would eat nothing but his food, which he at peice by peice so i couldn't mix it with anything. Miyagi was no dummy. If i soaked the kibble in gravy, water, milk, anything at all.....he refused to eat it.
I knew this day was coming but i didn't expect it when it happened. I wasn't leaving him there. I could see he was disoriented, walking in small circles and whimpering, not responding to me. I considered his sudden weight loss, sleeping most of the time.....and now this possible seizure. I picked him up cuddled him, talked to him and told him i was going to let him sleep. That he would become an angel because he certainly saved my life on many occasions, and then i let the tech take him for an IV.
When they came back, i held him in my arms. I couldn't see his face, but i felt him shaking, heard his squeeks.....i kissed him. I told him i loved him forever and then the vet added the sleep agent to his IV. I felt him stop shaking and his little body relaxed. Sleep my boy. and then the vet added the medicine that would stop his heart. She waited and checked. He was gone.
She left the room and i stood swaying side to side with him in my arms like a baby. My baby. I held him and remembered the first time i held him. I consciously engraved this moment into my brain, to remember the last.
I wanted to see his little face again, so I laid him on his favorite blanket on the table. I tucked the blanket around his still little body, and pet his head. His eyes were open but empty. His little tongue stuck out and I told him I loved him again. I kissed him on his head then took off his collar. That wrecked me.
Miyagi loved his collar. When i would bathe and groom him, putting his collar back on was the final step. He knew he was done. Right up until the last time he would get zoomies and puff his little chest out because i'd tell him how HANDSOME he was.
Taking his collar off for the last time wasn't what i thought would be the hardest thing i'd have to do.
The tech came back in and told me to take the blanket. I told her i wouldn't. It was his and even if they wouldn't cremate him with it, i wanted him to have it until they did. I waited for her to take him and I walked out to my car.
leaving his little body was the next hurdle. My imagination is horrendous.
But i'm going to be very honest. I do not believe in the afterlife. I don't think we need our bodies "when Christ returns". Our bodies are just casings that hold our spirits, our dreams, our loves and our losses. When we die we are set free from worldly concerns. Our body is of no consequence.
I have never visited my fathers grave after he was buried. He's not there. I did not ask for Miyagi's ashes back. He's not there.
He is in my memory and the memory of everyone who loved him. And there were a lot of people who loved him. I had no idea. He lives in my heart, and right now, in every tear i cry for myself over losing him.
I don't know what happens to our souls when our body expires. I hope i meet him again. I hope when i pass that i find his spirit again.
People ask me if i'm getting another dog. Like that would make me feel better. Like buying a new dishwasher when the old one breaks? He was my friend. He was one of a kind and he will NEVER be replaced even if i ever do find another animal that needs me.
For now, i will grieve him until the memories only make me giggle over his antics. I will be grateful that he was in my life for the time that he was. I will be strong enough, eventually, not now, to donate his blankets, beds, food and clothing. He had a lot. But not today. Not this week. I will save his collar and his second-favorite blanket for my own comfort and need to hold something since it can't be him.
I will love him forever. Until we meet again.
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