Grief

 I keep thinking i hear him.  And I find myself stopping in the middle of a routine, realizing, he's not there.

This morning i swore i heard his little feet tapping on the floor.

I feel a little crazy.  

Yesterday i thought i did fairly well at work.  I had told them why i wasn't coming in Tuesday, so when they saw me they all were giving condolences, and some sharing their own losses.  It felt good to know i don't work with assholes.  Some people just don't understand the bond.  Especially when it's just you and your dog.  

When i went home it hit me hard when i opened the door and he did not come to greet me.  It was fresh again.  Any scab forming got ripped off.  I was messy.  And i let myself BE messy.  I loved him very much and he was a huge part of my life every single day......i think a few meltdowns are warranted.  Like i tell others, "give yourself grace"......i gave myself grace. 

I'm not sure what to do with his collar.  I've been carrying it around with me in my pocket and i'm afraid i will lose it.  This morning i left it home.  I think, i will take a few of my favorite pictures of him and make a shadow box.  I will put his pictures, his collar, and a piece of his blanket into it.  Maybe some of his hair.  This sounds insane but i have one of his teeth too.  This will be my homage to him because forgetting him isn't something that will ever happen.

I removed his name tag from his collar and put it on a chain around my neck.  He wore this for 10 years and i feel closer to him having it near my heart.

Add some guilt to the emotional rollercoaster. 

I went to Bills Tuesday night and spend time with the boys and the puppy.  Bill opened the door and handed me River and walked away.  I had a few hours of doggie time.  The boys are actually listening to me, but i'm not sure if it's because they just happen to want to do what i'm telling them, or because they are listening to my direction.

I've been very conscious of not being a peer in the pack.  Bill would point out when they were showing dominance and i would re-direct them.  Tuesday, Kane nipped at River through the gate and without thinking i sternly told him "NO". He put his head down like he knew he was in trouble.  

When we were outside Bill was yelling something in the house and i couldn't hear him.  So i automatically told both Kane and Abel "HOUSE" and even though i had literally just taken them out they both ran into the house.

So maybe we are getting there.  Maybe i can be dog mom to two Cane Corsos and a Drahthaar puppy.  Maybe i can let myself get attached.  These are NOT my dogs.  Bill is the boss. I just enforce his rules. I never wanted large dogs because i knew i'm not the disciplinarian that dogs like that need.  And i hate it when people HAVE large breeds and don't train them.  They are making people hate their dog and it's their fault.  They are putting their dog and themselves in danger because they are twats.

So i never entertained the thought of having a large dog.

Here i am now, step momming.  Friday night i'm dog sitting while Bill goes to a party with his business partner......smh.  Funny thing is, i prefer dog sitting to going to a party where i don't know anyone.  I'm not in "meet new people" mode at the moment.

Enjoying the boys, and River also makes me feel guilty.  But they are totally different from Miyagi.  Bill has been really quite supportive regarding Miyagi.  I texted him when i came back from the animal hospital and told him Miyagi was gone.  He was sleeping, but when he woke up he was immediately on the phone to me.  He checked in on me all during that night, knowing i was struggling.  He told me i did the right thing, etc. But he acknowledged how much it hurts, etc.  He was there for me.  And  that has been noted.

I know it's never going to be the same as Miyagi.  We were soul mates.