comfort

For years i have said that i would never disrupt my living situation and consider living with a man, ever again.  This comes from all my previous experiences (3) being an absolute nightmare both financially and mentally.

I do not want to be at the beck and call of a man and his needs- meaning "whats for dinner" and "I have no clean socks" and "why do you care if the dishes are done or not?" and cleaning piss off toilet bowl, shaving remnants in the bathroom sink, along with globs of toothpaste.  OR dirty clothes left on the floor all over the place......empty containers in the refrigerator.......

Disrespectful, no regard for anyone else that lives there behavior.  

AbsoFUCKINGlutely NOT.  

I'm a mess.  During the week i am a storm through my home getting ready for work.  And when i get home, i clean it up most of the time.  Sometimes there are dishes left in the sink, but mostly, i try to clean up the same day.  I don't leave potty stains in the toilet, or junk in the bathroom sink.  That is revolting.  I'm not a neat freak, but i do like a tidy home.

I enjoy taking care of my home, and keeping it clean and smelling nice.  It matters to me.  I cannot live with a person who doesn't care, and who makes more work for me.  I clean up after myself, and I do expect that others do the same.  One of the reasons Doug, Jen and I get along so well is because we all clean up after ourselves.  You can't tell i was ever at their house when i leave, and vice versa.  Its common courtesy.

And i've never lived with a man who had that.  Not to mention - the lack of regard for personal space.  I don't want my things to be rifled through.  I don't want to feel like i have to hide things like money or personal items from the past that mean something to me.  

I don't want to be a maid.  or a cook.  or a laundress.  I want to be me, and when i do things it's because WE do things and we share the load.  It can't always be one person cooking, or cleaning, or planning.  It is now because it's just me.  So there's no dropping the ball or taking advantage.  I appreciate the way i care for myself and my home.

Bill- is in constant motion when he goes home.  The dogs, dinner, cleanup, laundry, then go sit and relax.......He keeps things neat and clean.  He is particular.  Lately he's been letting me jump in to his space and help cleanup after dinner.  He feeds me dinner and snacks.  I do dishes.  Maybe wipe down the foreman grill.......help with the dogs.  Slowly.  Before he never let me do anything to help - i just kind of sat there while he ran around.

I'm not a sit and watch kind of girl.

Last night we had a really great conversation about relationships, what is love, living with someone - and I feel like we are both in the same place and on the same page.  Neither is in a rush to move in together.  Between his last experience, and my previous experiences.....that is a scary thing.  BUT,  from my perspective at least.......why date someone at all if you don't see a future with them?  If the idea of living with that person is an absolute "NO".....what is the point?

I know we have some different ideas on what living together would mean.  And that is the point of the conversations.  Getting to know each other deeper to see if there is a future between us.  

I have considered living with him and what that would look like. I think he may have considered it also if we are having these conversations.  For me, security and respect are important to the living situation.  I don't want surprises like the bills havent' been paid and we are months behind on a mortgage.......or the lights go out.  Or there's no money for groceries because the person that was supposed to get them decided to do something else with that money.  Yes, i lived like that before.  And the worst part is I GOT BLAMED for it.

Bill is accountable.  He takes care of his bills, his home and his business.  AND he has expensive hobbies that he manages.  I don't have to worry about those things with him.  He will either take care of it, or he will have that conversation with me before the shit hits the fan.  Life will go smoothly in that regard.  I don't doubt it for a minute.

Respect?  I have a feeling it will always be "his" home, and i will just live there with him.  For Bill everything is about money, and it IS his house.  That means what he says, goes.  Period.  Or i can get out.  I've heard him talk about his ex, and i have the feeling that her being kicked out was a regular occurance if she had a different opinion.

Thats a problem for me.  Thats part of security, of commitment.  You don't kick someone out of their home because you have a disagreement.  I can't live like that, with the threat that if i don't comply i will be searching for new home.  The power is unbalanced there in a very unhealthy way.

Would i buy property with Bill?  If I could, yes.  But the threat of him kicking me out in anger, and the idea that living in this house with him it would never be "our home".......but just his?  I can't buy into that.  I won't.

Maybe she deserved to be kicked out.  I don't know the whole situation and i don't really care.  I'm not her.  But, it's going to take time in together before i can consider that big step and feel like i'm making a informed choice.  Caution to the wind days are over.  I am comfortable where i live and i can afford it by myself.  For me to give that up - thats not something i can have any doubts about.

Personal space - I don't feel like Bill would go through my things, looking for something to be angry about.  I wouldn't do it to him either.  That is respect.  If there are questions, they need to be asked, not snooped.  That goes for cell phones too.  I live my life in a way that my phone can be handed over to him for his investigation at any time if he wants it.  He may find things he doesn't like, but he will never find any betrayal.  Thats how i live.  Otherwise why be in a relationship at all.

What i think may be a problem for him is me having my own bedroom.  It doesn't mean i won't sleep with him in his, or that he can't sleep with me in mine.......I WANT to sleep next to him every night. BUT- there will be times when that is disruptive and sleep is important.  Having a room to myself is important.  I sometimes just need to be alone.  He is going to have to understand that.  Not that i will ignore him.......or shut him out.......not at all.  But a space that i can call mine for my books, my junk that he won't want distributed around the house.  I'd like it to be a room that when my friends or family come over (another thing we will have to compromise on) they can sleep there. 

Being social is important to me.  I don't need to have company every weekend, but a couple times a month is ideal.  Not being able to have my friends and family come visit is a deal breaker.  

I love that we have these conversations and he gives me thoughtful and deep answers, something to think about.  What is compromise?  What is asking too much?  

These are things we will find out about each other as we continue on.  So far so good.  I do wonder what his concerns about living with me are.  I just explained mine.  

While we were talking i asked him "isn't loving someone about accepting all the things about them? Even  the things you might not like?"  I don't want someone to change me, and i don't want to change him.  Compromise and respect for each others differences .......that shows love.  Committment.   We can't be clones of each other.

And we can't be attached at the hip.  We have to have our own hobbies and activities as well as things we enjoy doing together.  This all seems very elementary, but it's not.  I had none of these things previously.  I always felt managed, like i was living my life to fit into theirs.......I won't do that again.