I'm sick.
Woke up New Years Eve with body aches, stuffy nose, sore throat - throwing up and running to the bathroom every 1/2 hour. I don't know if part of that was the medication i'm taking - or if it is a bug. I'm on my way to better, so it was probably a combination of both.
Still have the stuffy nose and sore throat. Better now than in a couple of weeks when i'm on the cruise.
So the big fight on New Years Eve. Still not resolved. I haven't been in the right place to discuss this with Bill. I've been mostly sleeping. I feel like there's a lot that needs to be addressed, but i'm in no hurry to either see him, or address it.
I need some space to think about whats happened and what i want to happen.
I realized that ive been on such a wild rollercoaster ride with him that i'm just going going going and not taking any time to think. He's here, he's not here - we are together, we are not together. I know a large part of it is me running away at the first sign of conflict. I cut and run. and then he comes back. I want out of that cycle. I need time for my nervous system to settle down and take account. I need to sit back and see this as a whole and decide if i want to continue. I cannot make decisions like this with a bad ass attitude and a bruised heart. I need time. Clarity.
He is a lot. But this has been a draw for me. This business with him talking smack about me to his ex.....i'm not liking that at all. Why would he do that other than to make her feel like she is safe, that i am nothing to worry about. It's very juvenile, fucked up and it may very well be what breaks us up for good.
It's betrayal. How would he feel if i talked to my ex boyfriend, or even Carlos, and said things about his physical appearance in comparison to them? They are both very tall men. Bill is not. They are both very muscular men, Bill is not. Carlos is deep covered in a tapestry of his pain, and Darryl is peter pan a walking good time......Bill isn't. How would he feel if i were to talk to these men about him?
Also, i'm going to say this. My fault completely for reaching out to his ex. We have had conversations before and i told her i wanted out of the situation, wished them the best, and adios leave me alone. When i got back with Bill i let it all go. It was in the past. But he keeps talking about her, and something told me there was still something going on. And if i'm not going to get an answer from him, i'm going to find out on my own. And i reached out. Her reaction was too big for there not to be something there.
She went off her rocker apparently. I blocked her when she started getting really nasty. I knew enough. He told her i was fat, out of shape, and needed to lose weight. True or not, why say that to her? And then she said "and me? i'm too skinny :)" .........she thinks thats something to proud to repeat. You can't fix stupid.
Some women think they can cut another woman down by cutting on their physical appearance. Those women should be pitied. They have no deep connection with other women. It is a very easy and low swinging fruit to cut on someones appearance. You don't need to be a bright person.
I may have told her he enjoys having conversations that are above a third grade reading level with me....i'm not perfect. But then i blocked her before i got down in the dirt. I don't care about her. But i do wonder how a man worth anything would consider himself in love with someone like her. His very association with her lowers his value.
She is trash. And he? likes trash apparently. I feel like i'm lowering myself to date him if thats the kind of women he goes for i'm way out of his league. I'm working on my physcial appearance but class and brains isn't given out to everyone. She's proof.
You can make all the money in the world and still have no class. I didn't have hurt feelings because he said those things about me to her. I felt like he's not good enough for me. And that feels worse.
Some men simply can't tell the truth. Or they don't know what to do with a woman like me. I don't want to change anyone. I just want to know who you really are, the good the bad the ugly. Show me your soul. Let me show you mine. Including all the imperfections that make us human. Let me love you as you are, and do the same for me in return.
But don't betray me. Don't lie to make yourself look "good".
Another thing i'm realizing is that he pulls away, and i pull him back. I still have that need in me to be chosen. And i think he knows that. This man does know how to push and pull all my emotions. But with this step back, i'm wondering if without all the drama, would i want him? If i had time to think about what i was doing with him......would i still want to be with him?
And thats what i'm doing now. He's not calling or texting probably because he's so "busy" and instead of me reaching out, i'm going to leave it at that. I want to watch how he moves and listen to what he talks about with me. I want to get to know this man. Is he a liar? A cheat? Is he someone, who, like me, has been so fucked up by our parents that we don't know how to have a normal relationship?
I don't know. But i'm not making excuses anymore. I've got nothing but time. No rush. No games. I am giving him room to be the man he is, and decide if that is going to be enough for me. When it comes to a life of drama, or peace..........peace is going to win.
Some would say "dump him" but thats because they don't understand what it's like to finally meet someone who lights me up and wants to be with me too. It's not easy to find. No one is perfect, least of all me......and relationships always need to be worked on. I just want to let him show me if he is the man for me, or if he is just another clown. Like all the rest.
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