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dreams

 Do dreams tell us what is really on our mind? Are we talking to ourselves in our sleep?

I woke up pissed off.

Got on my scale, lost 3 lbs in one week.  Go me.  Normally any loss gives me a thrill - i'm getting there!  But this morning, i immediately thought "bikini ready?"......knowing the answer is absolutely not.  I am 58 years old.  I didn't wear bikinis in my TEENS.  Well once, but my stomach was so flat my hip bones stuck out and if i was lying down you could see straight down my bottoms.  

That was long ago in a far away place.

Last night Bill asked me if i was going to be bikini ready.  It occurred to me that i will never look good enough for him.  He should probably date a 30something so he can be happy.

I've come too far, and worked too hard to have my body scutinized by anyone.  Least of all a man.  Least of all a less than perfect man.  So yeah, fuck you.

Before i woke up pissed off i went to sleep pissed off.  Thats a lot of pissing.

I'm really mad he did nothing for my birthday.  REALLY mad.  This man spends $$$ on himself like crazy, and can't buy me a card.  

I can't wait to go on vacation and get away from having to think about it.  I'm going to take care of my own damn self and have a great time.  Yesterday i ordered a bunch of stuff from Amazon for the 80's party on board the ship.  This is my inspiration photo since i have next to nothing from my teen years aside from my memory.  i'm not shaving the sides of my head again.  Or dying it.  but the rest is arriving in the mail.  


I don't recall wearing fishnets.....i had ripped tights.  And my boots were't DOCs because i couldn't afford them.  I think the point was being poor back then.  You dressed up garbage.  basically.  I stole my fathers jackets and put pins all over them, wore spiked dog collars......i had a little identity crisis.  I went from Madonna, to Pat Benetar to whatever i felt looked like no one else.  

I'm still a little like that, especially now that i can fit comfortably into "normal" clothes.  It's actually coming back full force.  I do NOT want to look like, or be put in the same box as everyone else.

The more time i spend with Bill the more he proves to me that he can't appreciate me, or refuses to.  I'm pulling back.  I don't want to, but i feel it.  The last thing i need during this newest evalution of myself is to be put down by him.

I'm beautiful in my way, and any man that doesn't see it isn't worth my time.  And when i show my affection and it gets thrown back into my face, it won't be shown again.  Bet.  

Still pissed.

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