Partnership is a negotiation, isn't it? Business and romantic. You are agreeing to what is agreeable and compromising on differences to come to a mutual agreement.
Bill and I seem to agree on how relationships work in general. Expectations, the mechanics of it all. You cook i clean kind of stuff. BUT what about the emotional side of it? The feelings.
I'm not always excited about Bill. I don't get giddy when his call comes through. I'm not rolling my eyes, i'm always happy to talk to him, but i don't get stupid happy about it like a teenager.
Sometimes, the idea of leaving my home to go to his house doesn't sound good to me. There are times i want to just stay home. I was starting to think maybe i was losing feelings? But when i was talking to him last night we got involved in the conversation of "being our age" and how that excitement that used to be there as young people in a new relationship isn't there anymore.
I think we have been through so much individually, that it's hard to be excited about something we both know can be a painful experience, and lots of work. The innocence isn't there. The starry eyed "happily ever after" really is a fantasy and we know it due to experience.
At this point in life, it's more of a calculated risk. Is this person someone i want to discuss the electric bill with? Groceries? Vacations? Will our snoring allow us to sleep peacefully together? Can we eventually life together? Share the routine of life happily?
Is that boring? Or is that reality.
He told me he is attracted to me, enjoys when i am with him, is never bored around me. I feel the same. I feel the kind of attraction that makes me automatically touch him without thinking about it. We settle into each others personal space easily. And it's not about sex. Yes, he gets me going with very little effort, but it's more of a companionship......we fit together in the kitchen, and on the couch. There is an easy pattern. a dance.
He has a quick temper, prone to yelling at me which at first really pissed me off in the begining. Now when he starts hollering over something i consider stupid, i just look at him with my eyebrow raised. Really sir? Is that how you want to approach me when you want something? Probably not. I don't jump because you yell.
I jump when i want to, and only when i want to. So if he sweetens his tone i'll do just about anything to make him happy. Compromise.
Men don't seem to realize the only value they have to me is how i feel when i'm with them. He is starting to. I see him rope in what he wants to yell sometimes. And that shows me that he cares. It's how he communicates - and after the fight we had on NYE, he is very aware that i can also yell very loudly- and i also get furious. When all my buttons are pushed, atomic bomb suits me fine.
I don't like getting angry. I want to be that happy, smiling woman secure in her relationship. But when certain things are said to me.............you better hold on to your ass. I'm not a vapid idiot. I CHOOSE to be happy, smiling, and easy. You want to test that with me and you are going to learn. Watch how you treat me.
When i am put in a position of having to defend myself against the man i am in a relationship with, it's not going to be pretty. That is HIS job. If i have to do it, i'm going to DO IT.
So we are learning how to disagree. Been bumpy. We are both stubborn. but we both want peace with someone we can love.
He says he doesn't know if we are going to work out in the long run and that he is watching. Fair enough. It's what i do as well. You can't make everything work. You have to weigh if it's worth making it work, and that is where we seem to be at.
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