Excuse my judgement, it's on hold

 I'm realizing that i am out of control.  

After all that, i texted him when i couldn't sleep and told him "fuck it, just bring me my key on Friday" and then a short conversation took place where i said "i'm being dramatic and it's not a big deal".

But it is because i'm back sliding into the story i prefer.

So this blog entry is going to be unhinged.  If i can't be honest here, where the hell can i be?  My feelings change within a moment without cause or reason.  My emotions are ruling my world at this moment.

And it feels good.

I'm a traitor.

I don't care about her, when we've been going round about this BS for a year now.  I am the one that reached out to HER when i felt like he was talking so much shit about a woman who thought they were "friends"...Woman to Woman.  And she wanted nothing to do with him, was dating someone else.  

So i can work this in my head and justify it by saying She is the one who stepped out of line when she knew i was seeing him.  She chose this road.  Just like I did.

And here's the funny part......it's fucking BILL.  What is so addictive about this man????  He is just a man.  And he is built up in my head.  I have fallen for the games and the rush, and the excitement.  I know this.  I'm crazy not stupid.

I don't feel like i'm treading on another woman's "yard".  I don't even know what i want or IF i want anything with this man.  But she isn't my hold back.  We both knew what we were involved with.

Life is already complicated and i'm making it more so with this back and forth and the inability to just stay away from this man.

Yes, i'm questioning what is wrong with me.  I do deserve better.  But here's my heart and soul taking the wheel to drive while i throw my common sense into the trunk with a gag.  I hear it kicking and screaming and I DON'T CARE.

I'm sure there will be an emotional price to pay.  Again, I  DON'T CARE.

I'm in the throws of addiction.  I did it to myself by opeing that door.  But if i'm being honest, that door was never closed.  He was and is always on my mind. 

Can you keep a secret?

 I might be getting smarter, but it sure doesn't make it feel any better.

I asked, and got the truth.  I dug a little, held his feet to the fire, and got the whole truth.

He is with someone.  Someone is his ex.  And she lives with him.  

So there's that.

That's all there needs to be.  All i need to know.  I don't want anything to do with any of that.

I feel .........sad? but relieved.  He's the guy that would see me to "figure out what this is" between us while she unknowingly sits at home?  

No. Lets be honest, I hate her.  But I hate her because of him.  So it's a biased hate.  I SHOULD be hating him, not her.  I should feel sorry for her. 

I do feel sorry for her. 

I want a best friend and lover in the same package.  Maybe thats a tall order, and maybe that is never going to happen for me.  But i do NOT want a man I can't let my guard down around, or trust.  I don't want to have to worry that every minute he's not with me he's trying to "figure it out" with another woman.

Not texting, talking, meeting or having any kind of sexting..........unless i'm in on it.  And even then, i don't think i'm down with it anymore.  My trust has been stretched beyond flexibility........I need to be enough.  I need to be the only one even when i'm not sitting next to him.

Not Bill.  Not Carlos.  The bad guy, and the good guy......they are the same.  Neither considering that i have feelings and that entertainment to them, causes me .......regret.  Yes, their women probably think they are lucky.  I know better.

I told Bill to either end it with her or settle in and work on it.  But please don't reach out to me any more.  This is his shitshow.  Not mine.  Obviously there is a connection there between us but it's also obviously not a good one.  It's not good for me.

He is not good for me.  And i already knew that.  But i had to find out.  Again.  Hopefully i've learned my lesson.  

I do know that i would never be able to trust him.  So ...........whats the point.  To what end.  The end.

Maybe now i can let it go. move forward and be grateful i'm not the one he ended up with.  Because i honestly feel like the two of us, her and I, are interchangeable.  He wants the one he doesn't have.  There is no end to that unless .......i end it.  

Likewise for me reaching out to Carlos once in a while.  He has no care of my feelings, he is not my friend.  He is a guy who will take entertainment where he is offered it.  And that makes him almost as bad as Bill, but he puts a kinder spin on it.

10 years, 2 men i actually developed feelings for- neither of them returning those feelings but accepting what i gave to their advantage.  It's not their fault.  It's gross, but not their fault.  

Here i am thinking i'm so healed and i still allow the fantasy to override the reality.  Consider this moment the "aha" moment where i realize that i deserve so much more then either one of them ever had to offer me.

And i'm okay.   I'm more than okay.  Tomorrow i meet yet another man.  And maybe he will be great, or a jerk.  In the end, i know i can trust myself to walk away from anyone who doesn't deserve me.  Even if i fancy myself having feelings.

And that is something to be proud of.

call me

 This thing is gonna save my hands.  I never realized how weak my hands are until i was handling the handguns of a friend of mine.  I cannot drop the hammer OR pull the trigger....not even close.  I realize i can fix that for my personal firearm, but ........i don't like knowing i have weak hands.  Not okay.  As we get older the focus is on mobility but we forget how important our hands are too!  so i ordered this, just a simple one, no batteries, no charging , it runs on cyntriphical force alone.  It took me a few trys to figure it out......much like i'm STILL trying to figure out the damn hula hoop.  But i finally got it!  The wrist ball, not the hula hoop.  Still working on that one.

I like being called during the day and having a real conversation that isn't about the weather and is about whats going on during our day, and ......why we are connected no matter how hard we try not to be.  

I told him I really wanted to know "to what end"......meaning, why did i reach out?  I don't know.  "To what end?".....what do i expect to come of this?

Do i have to have expectations at this point?  Because, if i'm being honest, I don't know.  I know i have zero desire to go to his house.  And that was how it always was, me going to his house.  The idea of that makes me feel mildly sick.  I am never sitting in that big recliner with him again.  I don't want anything to do with it.  I won't be babysitting the dogs, or doing dishes in his home. Or sleeping in his bed.

I have no desire.  Will that change?  I don't believe so.  I'm learning to never say never where this man is concerned but for the time being.......he hasn't asked me to.  He's probably seeing someone for all i know.

He wanted me to go to his new shop - he brought me there when he had just purchased the building when we got back together the last time.

We aren't getting back together.  I"m not thinking that.  I don't know what i'm thinking.  But he doesn't have control over me.  I am not getting pushed into anything.  The old me would have been in the car on my way last night.......the new me immediately thought "hell no".  

I know what happens when we are together.

He makes me have feelings for him that he has no intention of returning.  Is that what i'm about now?  Proving that he does have feelings and then.......what?  TO WHAT END is the voice in my head.

It doesn't help that i can't confide in my bestie because she would KILL me.  I still do what i want.  Jen will understand.  But there is nothing to tell.  

We are just talking.  I won't be dropping in to see him anywhere at the last minute.  He can plan and ask, or not.  Up to him.  I"m not teaching him.

Besides, i have a date after work tomorrow.  Just a drink, see what happens from there.  If he's interesting i'll write about him.  

All this to say, my life hasn't come to a crashing halt around Bill.  Shit, by this time next week we probably won't be talking anymore, per usual.

Am i crazy or stupid or .........do i just have feelings that are probably undeserved..

old patterns revisited

 i opened pandora's box yesterday.  I had an overwhelming and immediate need to reach out to him.

Fuck.

I thought "whats the worst thing that can happen?"  

By the end of the day he was telling me to meet him at his new shop and "just have a beer" .....and when i repeatedly said "no" he finally gave in with a "you're not interested".  Which was meant to have me respond. 

And i did not.

Last night when i was sleeping he sent me his "goodnight" text..the one that i used to wait for and if it didn't have kisses, i would feel like i was being punished.  Like a 16 year old.

What is this dynamic?  

I am so very wary of him.  And i can't stay away.  What the. FUCK.

Addiction.

Because when he responded to me, and told me what i needed to "hear" without prompting....I want to believe him.  But i know he hasn't changed.  I have.

I can see myself, melting with his attention.  His affection because he knows that reals me in.....and then when i least expect it, he withdraws it.  Coldly.

He consumes me.

Consumed. me.

I'm not the same, but i am still connected.  We are connected.  Toxic, exciting, fullfilling when it's good........and empty when it's not.

Be careful where you step MB.  This is where you have been before and even with eyes wide open - it's treacherous.  Be careful.

i applied

 My work situation has been making me lose sleep.  It's not that i don't still love my job.  I do.  But it's all very uncertain.

I'm not too worried about being unemployed.  It's mostly about what will I be doing, and where is my home?  At this point, i literally am a stepchild that no-one pays attention to aside from my boss. es.  Some say that's a good place to be.  Some don't understand financing, and who is paying for me to be here.

I'm a program coordinator.  I have a program, and i coordinate it.  Along with that, i do general support for my "old" boss.  Now i have both and old and a new boss and it appears that the new boss will need a lot more support.  Thats me.  I know how to do it, i've BEEN doing support for the majority of my career.  I had finally grown out of it and moved into a position where i "owned" something.

So many changes are happening at the top going down.  

I have to protect myself.  I've learned never to take too much faith in the "dont worry you will have a job" type attitude.  So i applied for another lateral position.  In a department.  Did i want to?  No.  Do i have a choice? also no.  It's my back up plan.

I don't believe i will have any difficulties moving to a different position.  It would be lateral. And it would be me choosing it.  Not waiting for the powers that be to remember i'm a person and i've been waiting to understand what my place here is.  Perhaps this will kick my new boss into geer as far as being a bit more proactive in defining what my role is and where i belong.

I like him, he is easy to work with, he likes things his way and i have zero issue giving it to him like that.  He's not difficult or cranky or a jerk, and i've supported all of those types over my many years.  He is one of the better.  However, i did not choose to be executive support.  I want my own program.  

Am i crazy?  Stupid? both?

I'm just feeling out the possibilities.  

Standards or being picky

 I belong to a group on Facebook for single people over the age of 50.  People from all over the country are members.  It's a pretty large group and i'm an on and off participant.  Mostly i view the conversations and memes.  At time, i will post a question or situation to get feedback.

Thursday i recieved no text or phone call from "Ted" the man who had asked me on Monday to go for drinks on Thursday after work.  We made the plan and that was it.  No further contact.  Thursday, after work, i went home, got changed and did my usual thing.  At 6pm he texted me that he was "there" waiting for me.

I texted him back and said "I had not heard from you, took it as disinterest, and made other plans" He wasn't happy.  He said, "if you needed conversation from me you should have said something".......

This man is supposedly an executive in a large insurance company in CT.  If he doesn't know that confirmation AT THE VERY LEAST is common courtesy, especially after no contact at all......imagine what dating this man would be like?

Zero effort, and zero accountability.  Yes, i gleened that by our very little communication.  He carried on texting me, pissed off that i wasn't coming, and i ignored him.

Yikes.

So, as women do, i started to second guess myself.  Was i expecting too much?  Did i overreact?  So i posted in the singles over 50 group and wow.  just. wow.  What an outpouring of support and derision, both. 

I was being coy, playing games, expecting too much, thinking i am the prize, better than him, and will always be single because of my "attitude".  OR on the flip side, curiously, mostly from men- I was completely right.  Many women accused me of exoecting the man to do everything, and why didn't i reach out to him and ask him if we were still on?  They were irate.  

Upon further investigation, they don't have a lot of dates for whatever reason.  So they were probably pissed i "wasted" a date.  Meaning, have a man take me out and pay for me even when i know i'm no longer interested due to his low effort and, in my opinion, gaslighting.  No thank you.

Some men became utterly irrate.  Like i stood them up.  (Which, i refuse to say i stood this man up, when he contacted me i responded)  Viscious.  And women with names like "bunny" came after me like i was the worst woman ever.

I call them "pick me" girls.  You can have a difference of opinion without tipping over into that category.  Some are so anti female that it is pathetic.  I am a girls girl.  And i'm attracted to mens men, that actually love women.  So many men hate women and its completely obvious in how they interact with a conversation like this one.

Not that it changed my mind at all.  But it was an interesting experience with a lot of interaction.  My opinion is all that matters in this particular situation because I'm the one that would have to go out and meet this low effort, not interested, male.  

Besties birthday party on Saturday.  I gave her her gift before everyone came (because yes i was hours early) and it made her cry.  She loved it.  And she said she showed her mother over facetime (she's in sicily) and she loved it.  Everyone loved it.  I'm just glad it hit for HER.  I worked hard on that project and it was very sentimental.  I made sure to take a lot of pictures of her with her granddaughters, and the whole family.  I think i might print out a couple for her and send the rest to her.  I got some really great pictures.

Why not

 Meeting a stranger after work tonight to have an alcoholic beverage and awkward conversation....i know you are jealous.  You want to be me.  Admit it.

I like his white hair and dimples.  That should be enough.  

The man who comes and gets all our shred once a week (theres a lot) is very cute and personable.  He has three grown daughters and he is a protective father.  I think i've seen him having lunch with some little hottie a couple of times.  He's nice.  Yesterday he came in and got the shred and when we was leaving he told me he loved my haircut.  He said " i saw you yesterday and wow, you look great" and he did the wow face.  

This man isn't hitting on me, he's a nice man.  I felt like a million bucks after that.  A genuine compliment.  That felt nice.

But today, i'm having a fat day.  Nothing feels right on me.  I'm going home to change after work and mystery man is getting jeans and a t-shirt.  Maybe i'll spritz some scent on and lip gloss.  I do the least nowadays.  This is me.  You get fancy me after you give me real you.

Something is going on with me.  I'm relaxed but on guard.  You can say i'm protecting my peace.

I need some sex though.  Good sex.  Hey, i'm allowed to say it.  I'm thinking thats what is missing more than an actual relationship.

Yeah, thats bullshit.  I'd love a relationship but at this point feeling like it's a lot of work to even interview.  HA.

ghosts of christmas past

 Maybe i'm going to die soon and my past is revisiting me to make amends?

First, Bill pops up again (predictable)

Then Mr. Tattoo reaches out for some flirtation before disappearing again

Those are the only two men i've remotely attached to since my breakup over 10 years ago.  Can't really call them relationships since it mostly went one way.  Me to them.  Them not choosing me.

I have dated a few men more than once, really, i have!

Theres Mr. Tickle (i can't remember how i referred to him before but we dated on and off and he has a tickle fetish).  He pops up as viewing my stories and my linked in.  He's engaged to the woman he was with for years before dating me (apparently on the side)....so what NOW?  

And today, Mr. Saybrook, the guy that needs someone to move in to his house so he can pay for it, sends me a message on instagram. He was another one, couldn't stay with one woman.  We dated a few times, i saw all the signs of being love bombed.  We had a great bike ride but he was looking for a move in RIGHT NOW situation.

Who's next?  

Oh, there's the FIRST Bill - we did date a few months.  He had a lot of dead exes.  

Then there was Mike.  The guy that had the "nice guy" thing going but was just as one way as all the others, his way.

Anddddd I think thats it..........oh, wait, Mr. Marine, from Valentines day this year.  Does he count?

I text periodically with Darryl.......13 years together, 10 years apart, a once in a while conversation.  No biggie. 

I haven't heard from my ex husband in over 20 years.....and i'd like to keep it that way.

The guy i lived with for a year ......Mike......that non relationship was easily forgotten by both of us.

So who's next? Who have i forgotten?

I'm in a pissy mood.  I’m being shown a lineup of everything that never chose me… and realizing I don’t want any of it anymore. Who wants low effort recycling?  WTF is this parade of mediocrity?

The guy that "qualifies" for me is the one who clearly and consistently chooses ME.  Every time. No more half assed men that don't add up. 

Price of admission:

1. Consistency without prompting

• No disappearing acts
• No popping in “hey stranger” energy
• If I stop responding, they will notice and step up

2. Clear intention early

• Not vague, not flirty-only, not “let’s see what happens”
• I will know within a couple of interactions what they want—and it better not be convenience

3. No urgency tied to their needs

• No “move in,” no emotional fast-tracking, no love bombing
• Their timeline is not my pressure

4. REALLY available

• No engaged men watching my stories
• No “it’s complicated”
• No half-in/half-out energy

5. Effort that matches mine, or better yet, LEADS it. 

• i'm not carrying the conversation
• i'm  not initiating contact
• i'm not auditioning 

 He is OUT THE DOOR if he:

• Disappears and reappears
• Flirts but doesn’t plan
• Needs something (housing, validation, ego boost)
• develops a history of not choosing me
• Makes me feel confused instead of clear

No more “maybe this time.” I'm over the confused boy/men. 

MY partner will choose me clearly and repeatedly.  I won't feel anxious waiting for our next interaction and his actions will line up without me having to interpret or decode them. I will feel calm, not activated

NONE of the above men made the cut.  NEXT!

why i'm not an artist

 I have no patience.

I have been working on besties project for 2 weeks now and last night i thought i was finished.  The plan i had in my head was finished.

But it doesn't look finished to me.

And I see all the places i made mistakes.

It looks like a kid did it.

Now to be fair, i only JUST started watercolor painting within the past year.  I didn't take classes, or do anything besides fool around with it, and watch some shorts online to technique.  I'm not a good rule follower.

I felt the same way about Jens gift and she loves it.  Still talks about it and shows people what i made for her.  So it can't be that bad, or she is supporting her special needs friend. (eye roll)

Making a gift for someone is......a labor of love.  I hope she loves it.  

Thats what last night was.  Home, read for about an hour, heat up leftovers, finish besties project, read, bed.

Fall asleep at 8:30pm, wake up at 10, 12, 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5:30am before finally giving up and getting up.

So much for all that wonderful sleep i was getting.

I need to find a way to clear out my head of things i've already decided on and can't control.  Make room.  

I'm struggling with thoughts of stupid ass Bill, but i'm catching myself.  I haven't unblocked him, i haven't stalked his social media......i'm doing good.  Except for the fucking intrusive thoughts that are not even nice.  It's a toxic longing.  It's fucked up.

Regardless, it's done.

A friend of mine who is in her 70's and on my facebook page posted a comment on a meme i posted that said "I just want to find another wierdo to go on adventures with, and bend me over in the woods"...She wrote "let me introduce you to my son"

Which made me laugh in shock.  Hell of a post to suggest that.  But thats one of the reasons we like each other.  Two hippies, one fake one real and that sense of humor that doesn't go away with age.

So I private messaged her and said "tell me more".

That would be funny if she's been hiding my dream man all these years/

Also, wondering about Mr. Tattoo.  Hoping he is okay. I wonder if he had a fit of conscious, because he just dropped out and went silent.  I'm not about to reach out.  

To any man.  It's on him/them......I'm living my life. 

all aflutter

 i did it, took the initiative and applied for a lateral position where i work.  I don't have the degree to go any higher. 

I love my current job, but i've been catching on to the fact that my whole program is on the chopping block and they are just waiting for my boss to leave first. I sure as hell am not going to be the one to tell him that all his work is going down the chute. 

It is an incredibly intricate and difficult program, i'll say that.  And i know it inside and out.  Saying that, not one person from that office has invited me to a meeting or inquired about my suggestions on how to simplify it.

I am the pee on, and work with leadership.  They make random decisions and changes and don't think to ask the person who is doing the work.  

I spoke to my "new" current boss about what my position will look like when my "old" boss is officially gone.  No one knows what is going on, but everyone insists that i don't have to worry about it. 

YEah..........no.  This is my life. I'm grateful to be employed in a position that I applied for and got.  I'm not about doing whatever just to fit me in.  That is bullshit.  

So......after not sleeping and letting this really start to rip at me, i applied for another position.  I know all the departments.  I emailed the "boss" (trying to be discrete here) and asked a very obvious yet general question, letting my intentions be known, however, asking for descretion.  Got an immediate response with the information i was looking for.

Doesn't mean i will get the position.  I'll be surprised if it isn't already earmarked for someone in the department already doing the job.  HOWEVER, it does not hurt to put feelers out.  

Loyalty to my boss?  yes.  But i have yet to work for an institution that has loyalty to its employees.  The powers that be, and there are a lot of them, make decisions and don't think about fall out.  They just expect someone to handle it.

I do feel somewhat nauseaus, after applying.  I have as good a chance as any.  Just my current position alone is a recommendation.  I'm known.

If and when my boss talks to me about this, i will let him know that after our multiple conversations and all the reassurance in the world, i still have nothing concrete.  I need real answers and they are not forthcoming.  So i will look out for myself until i have them.  And then i will decided if what they have planned for me (they aren't even considering it yet i'm sure) isn't what i want to do......buh bye.

No regrets.

So much for finely landing in a position i love, doing what i love.  Time marches on and people retire, changes get made, and people like me get told what they are going to do moving forward.  Except i'm not much of a conformist.  I like having a choice in how i spend a minimum of 40 hours a week.

GOD i need to get laid. 

Sleep eludes me

 the past couple of nights have been doozies!  Tossing and turning, waking up fully awake and ready to rock and roll in the middle of the night.  It's going to catch up to me.  Probably when i least need it to.

Dreaming a lot about work.  I will feel much better once we have passed into July - and i have made the cut and someone has agreed to finance my paycheck.  I feel so out of control and pissed off that the SOM just decided they aren't paying for me next fiscal year *poof.  

Everyone tells me not to worry that of course i'll have a job but .........i'd be insane not to worry.  My contract was with SOM.  I'm basically free floating at the moment.  FML

Here's the thing, finding work at my age will be near impossible because they expect me to retire within a few years.  AND they won't want to pay what i would expect to be paid for my experience. Mama isn't working for free and giving up the knowledge.  Sorry.  

What the hell is the plan?  There is only me to take care of now, with Miyagi gone and Ninja happily living with my son and DIL.  So pretty much, the world is my oyster.  Scary as that sounds.  

I know i'd not have to live on the street- my friends wouldn't allow it, however, i don't want to live with my friends.  I am not a charity case and i'm not mentally unstable the way i was when i lived with my bestie for a year.  I'm good.  Probably the best i've been ........ever.

So i need a plan.  IF this happens, or you know, the world blows up and i somehow unfortunately survive.....i need a plan. Tongue in cheek here.  But not.

There are bigger problems around me and mine seem pretty minimal.  Earth shattering to me, but in the big picture?  liveable.

People live out of their cars for christ sake- and with the cost of gas rising as it is, even THAT won't be affordable much longer.

What is going on with the world?

I saw a snippet of an interview with Anthony Bourdain, obviously from when he was alive.....he was asked if he would eat with Trump......his answer was wonderful and a definite NO. I knew i loved that man.  And i still wonder if he actually took his own life.  We will never know.

And this morning hearing a story about all the scientists are disappearing or dying.....wtf. I'm so tired of the rich and powerful few having so much power of the the masses.  

Now i'm listening to conspiracy theories.....might want to rethink the statement about "best mental health ever".............

time alone

 I spent the entire weekend alone if you don't count going out shopping.  Yesterday i went to Ocean State Job Lot in Canton because it's my favorite place to find different food that won't cost a fortune (like World Market in West Hartford, which i LOVE but is a litte expensive)

It was rainy and dreary cold....so i got dressed (i had planned a pj day) and headed out to browse.  I forgot i had to go through Burlington to get to the store and as i was driving i started to panic.  But it went away.  I drove through, no problems.  The only thought i had was that he is a coward and that i will be taking the hike in the woods very soon.  He won't be there to see my improvement.  His loss.  My gain.

I lost more than weight and weakness over the past year.  I made room for self love and self care. 

Of course because that was my route when going to see him I was going the think of him, but his influence over my emotions is losing strength.  I got to the store and had zero problems focusing on the stupid things i wanted to buy and put into my carriage.

Doug tells me i have a shopping style.  I love everything, put it into my carriage and then think about it and how i don't need it or it isn't the right price.  Then i put more than half the items back.  As i continue to add to the carriage......It's what i do. 

It's my therapy.  I don't need anything but i like to think about having stuff.  If anything, i throw more items away than i bring in to my home lately.  I've been clearing it out purposefully.  After spending time in Jen's moms house, i learned that i don't want to leave all my "stuff" for other people to have to go through and stress out over.  I want to have an easy home to dismantle.  It's just stuff.  But at the same time i want it to be me, comfortable for me, specifically my place.  It's a balance.

Noticing my taste has been turning to more feminine objects.  Softer. Prettier.  Maybe its a reflection of what is happening internally?  Just a thought.

Yesterday i also blocked a man i had been talking to.  I met him on the "our time" dating website when i had a profile and he reaches out occasionally.  He came at me chatty and pleasant and rapidly turned it into him telling me he was playing with himself.

Sir.  I could give two shits what you are doing.  I don't know you, and i have ZERO desire to meet you anymore.  Block.  

So here's my thought- why, when Mr. Tattoo reaches out and wants to play, do i have a different reaction?  Maybe because i do know him, in THAT way at least.....and its mutual?  Is that a horrible excuse?  I have fun when we have an interlude.......i don't feel bad about it, and at this point i know it's never going to be more than this, and while i'm not seeing anyone, or owe anyone my loyalty.....why not?  I know he's not going to stalk me.  

I don't care for how he *poof disappears after but it's not the type of relationship that feelings should be expressed.  That would indicate closeness and caring.  We are just fun.  He's made that apparent.

And i'm okay with it until i meet someone, IF i ever meet someone.

Now seriously, how do i get Bill out of my thoughts.  Completely.  Negative or positive he's still taking up space where he shouldn't be.  I don't like it.  It's like a sliver in the bottom of my foot.

I keep thinking about my kids, my grandkids.......I don't know how to be close to them and i can't write about them because i feel like it's a betrayal.  I just miss them.  I have no idea what is going on with my daughter.  When i call she doesn't answer.  I can make excuses and say that it's because she has a busy life and when she had down time, she is just like me, she doesn't want to be bothered.

My son is happy and making plans for the baby - as he should be.  

They are good.  I'm the one who misses them.  Is this a parent thing?  They either still live with you or you miss them?  When do we get to all be on the same page.  How do i make that happen without forcing myself on them?

what day is it?

 Woke up this morning thinking it was Sunday, and feeling like booooooo.

I asked Alexa what day it was.  Twice.  Then i believed him.  Yes, my Alexa is a "He".

I don't believe anything he says either until i've confirmed it. HA

The project for my besties birthday has me kerfluxed.  I have a few options, and i'm running out of time.  Maybe buying stuff I can't afford is the better option.  No.  I kid.  I just don't know if she will appreciate how much time and planning is going into making her something one of a kind, from my heart.

I'm not an artist.  I'm a sentimentalist. 

If i make it for you, it's filled with love.  

Side trip, i'm making my mini bookcase.  It's an ongoing project that is not original.  One of the downsides of reading library books, or electronic books on my kindle is that I don't have the books to represent how much and what i've been reading.  My comfort.  

I saw a few people making different projects to represent visually what they have been reading and i fell in love with the miniature bookshelf with miniature books.  I have been designing and experimenting with the bookshelf itself, which i picked up at a thrift store and painted.  I'm not sure what it was in its orginal form but NOW it's my bookshelf.  I'm adding tiny fairy lights, and little trinkets, as if it was my dream bookshelf in a SheShed.  Who knows, this may expand to a miniature library/sheshed scene.  I've always been fascinated with minis.  For instance, i am making tiny candle sconces out of old jewelry parts.....somewhere down the line.  Right now i'm making the books i've read this year, and favorites.  As time goes on the shelves will be filled with books. 

This is a lesson in patience because the final product will probably never be done.  I may even decorate it for the holidays.....why not?

When i'm dead and gone my granddaughter can take it or throw it away.  I won't know the difference.

Or maybe my grandson will be the reader.

Hopefully one of them at least and maybe they will carry the project on.  How is that for futuristic planning?  Big plans MB, slow your roll.

Between the bestie project and the bookshelf project and some minor cleaning around my home, I'll be taking it easy this weekend.  I haven't been home in what seems like ages.  Some series binging will be taking place and some smoking will also take place.  Shhhhh.  It doesn't happen often but i did just order a grinder which i think every self respecting flower enjoyer should have.

I still have whats left of the Marine mans gift.  Thats how little i indulge. 

It's more fun to smoke and watch scary movies with someone.  Preferably someone to cuddle up with.  Thats all.  Nothing else.  Just some fun shrieking and laughing to keep the boogie man away.

I almost reached out to Eddie yesterday, but that seem wildly unfair and misleading.  

Someone who belongs to the same "50 and older single and looking" facebook group and i have been exchanging pleasantries but he lives so far away.  Why start what i know i won't grow...i'm here until i retire.

Mr. Tattoo, ehem, has left the building again. Hot and heavy and then..........nothing.  Am i surprised?  Not at all.  Am i sad about it?  Not at all.  He is fun, has a special skill of lighting up my hormones (also i wonder how much of this has to do with my hormone replacement therapy kicking in?).

I don't believe he has any intention of following through with any of the teasing things he says.  Last i knew he was in a relationship and wasn't that kind of man.  But really, how do i know what kind of man he is?  Sexy. Yes.  The rest?  Who knows.  Not for me to worry about.  He and I have a very clear path of a sexual relationship only.  If that.

So back to my crafting and series binging.......lets go be productive!

Before i sign off i have to admit that i had a very dark thought this morning.  While scrolling facebook i saw an article about a woman dying in a head on collision in Burlington.  I scanned the comments and saw that people were saying goodbye to "Mary"........and I admit it, i hoped it was her.  I paused for a moment and thought "Mary in Burlington.....let it be his ex who never goes away".....and then i felt a wave of disgust wash over me, making me want to throw up.  This........this is the me i am when he is involved.  This is the toxic, death wishing, worst part of my being self......with him.

I read the article and it was not that Mary.  I sent up a word of apology to the stars, hoping that my thoughts do not go out into the world.  I'm writing about it here to acknowledge that it's not just him, it's me.  We both, especially together, are toxic and disgusting.  I know he wants me to contact him, or for me to allow him to contact me.  I can FEEL him.  I'm waiting for him to show up again.  I don't know how, but i know him.  

And if i needed ANY reminder of his place in my life.....it's this.  Bill must never be present in my life again.  And i need to push his existence in my thoughts and memories into the past.

C'est moi!

 You ever do something you think you might regret but you go ahead and do it anyways because........you can?

I do it all the time.  And a LOT of times, it works out.  Like this haircut.  I'm feeling myself.  I needed an update, a cleanup, something that better represented who i am right now.

I don't give a FUCK about what men want.  It's all about me.  It's been a long time coming.  I had that long hair that was a big fat pain in the ass because i thought it would make me more attractive to the male species.  

And i no longer care.  I like this short sassy hair.  It fits who i am.  

And if i want to have a little flirtation fun sometimes with a man..........i'm going to do it.  Beause i want to.  Not because i think it's what he wants.  

Something that hasn't changed over the years........i don't do what i don't want to do.

No shame in my game.

No giving away what my wants and needs are into the hands of the unpredictable and usually disappointing men that have come in and out of my life.

They come and go.  I let them.  

Why has it taken so long for me to realize that i've never been giving away my power.  I've been doing exactly what i want, and giving them the credit.

Dime a dozen.

Big switch.  

This is what happens

 I go for long periods where the idea of sex, because it's attached to man, is a big no go. 

If i knew him already, and knew what i was getting involved with.......that would be different.  But a new man at this point in my life feels like a big risk, and a big time sucker.  

I've said before, we are single at this point in life, for a reason.  I'm not easy.  I want attention, reassurance, AND to be left alone, a lot.  It's kind of a puzzle to figure out which one when.  That makes me difficult.  I like my alone time.  I like my quiet time.  I also like to go out with my girlfriends and some men apparently are threatened by that.  They don't like me going out with the girls.

I'll just say here, that i'm the one who growls at men who approach uninvited, and my girlfriends are all married.  Except me.  So if anyone is going to be a bad influence, it's me and i dont need to have witnesses.....i do better on my own. wink wink.  

Plus it's insulting to assume that the only reason i want to go out with my friends is because we are going to be man chasing.  Is that what he does when he's out with his friends?  If it is, i'll find out eventually and he won't be the man for me.  Unless he calls and invites me.

But thats a different story from a previous life.

I just don't see relationships like i used to.  And because of that, I'm doubtful that i'll ever happily be in one again.

I'm not giving up as much as putting it on the back burner.  I have a hot girl summer planned.  The beach, a book and drinks.....Utah, Florida, friends, my grandson arriving, being grandma and driving my kids crazy......thats the plan.

Where is there room for the bullshit that comes with a relationship.

"you didn't say goodnight".....I fell asleep.  "you fell asleep? I saw you on facebook"....Are you 12? GTFOH.  If i fall asleep without saying goodnight its not the end of the world.  But these men, they think it's a sign i'm cheating or i don't care.

I. won't. deal. with. this. shit.

Even the "nice" guys, don't hear me when i say "I want to stay home and read"......they say "you can read with me around i won't bother you"........and then, they talk to me.

horrible right? how dare they talk to me.  See? Difficult.  Reading isn't a group activity and neither is painting, or crafting ......it's a "in my head" time and when they "bother" me, it makes me bitchy.  Just leave me the fuck alone.  It's easy.

back to the point.  

Bad man Carlos has gotten me all worked up and thinking about the parts about a man i do miss.  The sexy time part.  The flirtation, the innuendos, the double entendres .....the tease.  The game where we both win.  Yes indeed i miss that a lot.

But not the stuff that comes with it when it's over.

why didn't i say goodnight.

Hopefully it's because he fucked the living daylights out of me.  Hows that for an answer?

I need a FWB.  

connection without control
desire without obligation
presence without pressure

I need some steady fun with someone i can trust and who needs the same thing. 

Where would i find one of those?  Lemme see if Carlos is around.........aaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!

here's the thing

 All my energy is focused outward, on whatever male is prominent at the moment.  Or was.  I feel like something has shifted after Marine man.  

I was so willing to once again ignore the red flags (love bombing, too much too fast) because i don't want to do the work.  The patient part.  The part where I sit back and learn a man, and if he fits into my life and what i want.

It's fun to jump in.  But thats what teenagers do.  They have nothing to lose, like a job, income, housing, sanity...........jumping in blind is not a risk, it's a no win.

So i noticed that i did it.  looked for the fun, and not the work of what it really takes to get to know someone.  I don't let friends in that fast.  Because i know the value of friends.

Maybe i don't know the true value of a man.  Or maybe, it shouldn't matter till it matters.

Anyways, that shift.  

I've been called a cold fish, standoffish, hard, and sometimes mean by men that don't spark me- i run to the car like my ass is on fire.  Or i will stand and talk for hours.  I don't get in their cars, thats for sure.  Except once...with Carlos, on our first meet.  He lit me up.  I was on FIRE around him.

Why?  No idea.  I've dated men that look like him, sound like him, carry themselves like him, but not all in the same package.  And he made me laugh.  He wasn't so serious, or scary.  You would think a guy with a tattoo of a skull in his ear would be intimidating........He wasn't.  

It's not about how a man looks, obviously, or Bill would have been out at first sight.  I know if I saw Bill in person today i would feel that attraction because it was chemical. It was our energies colliding and crashing, which made it seem like a good idea when it was really a bad bad idea.  Too much alike.  Too toxic.  Not in this lifetime.

Carlos was always a fire lighter.  Even when he wasn't trying to be.  I couldn't keep my hands off him.  He never gave me the idea that we were a couple, he just treated me like a woman.  He likes women.  He's not afraid of them.  It shows.  So why did i latch on so immediately to a man who never showed interest in a relationship?

Because he met a need.  He set me on fire where other men can barely stoke a coal. Again, a chemical reaction of like minds.....sexually.  And thats where it stopped.  He treated me so well i mistook it for special when for him, thats just how he behaves.  It wasn't his fault i had never experienced how i SHOULD be treated.

Lets add Eddie into this thought process.  He also treats me like a queen.  He holds my hand when the ground is not even so i don't trip- (it's those little things i notice) He opens doors, he "hosts" like i'm special and in this case i am.  I am his friend.  We travel together with Doug and Jen but we are not a couple.  We sleep together in the same bed and we pillow talk, we cuddle, we steal the covers and complain in the morning laughing.  He is "okay Eddie" agreeable in every way, but always a man.  If that makes sense. He's happy to let everyone have their way until it crosses his line.  I haven't done that.  yet.  I hope never to do so. 

But again- that fire?  that chemical reaction?  It's not there. Not for him or for me. We have everything BUT that. He's a whore (i call him stud muffin) He dates hot women that are younger and he is kinky as kinky gets.  He should be a match for me.  Why isn't he?

I ask myself these questions and think about the movie Wierd Science where the boys built the perfect woman.  I would just build Carlos, but make him want me.  hahahaha.

He does want me.  Sexually.  no ties. no strings. and ........i'm thinking thats what i want too.  I want outstanding sex with a man who won't choke me out after i tell him i don't want that.  With a man who respects me as a woman, and even if we are having down and dirty playtime always treats me like a lady.  Who wouldn't want that?

I don't know what Carlos's situation is .......and it's none of my business.  I know what i'm looking for.  I do not want to answer to anyone, have to explain myself to anyone, or wonder about how someone else is feeling about me.  I want to have my freedom and not be attached to a man calling me everyday or "omg he is pulling away"..........NO.  

I want to focus on ME.  AND have sex.  With one man, who has the same boundaries, who i actually LIKE.  

For as long as that works.  

wake up to that.......

 I did not sleep well last night.  I tossed and turned, watched TV, tried to read, had a snack, and smoked a little smoke.......nothing was working.  I woke up around midnight like it was time to go to work....looked at my phone and there was a spicy message.

THAT is how i want to wake up.  

And go to sleep.

Oh, you naughty man.  Setting fires where you cannot put them out.  

I've been considering a FWB since the dating thing is a dead end.  Could i?  Without getting emotionally attached?  I think so.

I think back to how devastated i was when D and i broke up - it took me 10 years to finally not feel any way about it.  Now, i don't even know how i was with him in the first place.  If he approached me now, as he is, in his situation, i would not even talk to him.  We have literally nothing in common any more.

Except maybe motorcycles.  He drive, me ride.  I'd do that.  And i love him in a way we love somethign we've outgrown.  But relationship?  Friends is all, and thats just because we have history.

Bill had his dominant energy that i gravitated towards, his ability to literally move me......he was dangerous and toxic, and it was hot as hell.  But that kind of darkness doesn't feed the passion, it kills it after a while.  Trust is a huge part of letting loose. 

Carlos.  Rocked my world.  Was it because of the headspace i was in at the time?  The sex was incredible and the best i've ever had.  Ever.  He was so in tune.  We fit.  And we had the same energy.  I caught feelings and he did not.  

That was a long time ago in old people time.  I wonder if i could JUST have sex with him and not get attached.  Or to any male i start to be intimate with.....could i?  Should i?  

I may not like it, sam i am.  I may not like wam bam thank you man. 

ORrrrrr.

It may be the solution to my sleepless nights and occassional unbearable crankiness. 

Something to think about.

i'm not 16

My bestie is really hard to buy for.  She is very particular, and she likes expensive things that i cannot afford.

That said, we do not exchange gifts for our birthdays or holidays.  She would go crazy and get me expensive lovely gifts and i can't keep up with that.  I know she meant well.  So we decided no more gifts and she HATES it.

Jen likes to thrift shop and pretty much only buys second hand items, like me.  For her birthday last year she demanded i make her a bullet journal like mine.  She loved it, and she wanted one.  So i made her a planner and put a lot of quotes and pictures in it.  She carries it with her everywhere.  She loves it.

Bestie, did NOT like the idea that i made Jen a gift.  Did she say it?  No.  But i did feel her waves of "what the fuck" .......so this year, i'm making her gift.  

I wrote her a poem, and i am transferring it onto a watercolor painting i did of her birthday month flowers.  I've been practicing how to paint daisies and sweet pea flowers.........

Maybe she won't like it or maybe she will love it.  It's coming from my heart.  I decided a while back that buying new things is a waste.  I love to shop thrift and find things that i know people will love- it's like a little surprise shot of joy.  I think it's more meaningful to shop all year and when i find something i know is meant for one of my kids, or grandkids, or friends.......i buy it and give it to them.  I don't wait for a holiday.

It's more fun shopping for other people.

Once i saw a collection of medals and i immediately thought of Carlos.  He had quite a collection.  I only really saw it once, but it was impressive.  I saw the medals and wondered why anyone would just donate them to Savers and I almost bought them.  But i don't see him.  I can't even call him a friend.  But that is what happens...........i see stuff, and it makes me think of people.

Because i know bestie is not fond of used items..........i decided to make her something.  And next year, i will decide what to do then.  And in the meantime, if i see something she would like at the thrift, i will pick it up for her.

I think its about being thought of more than the gift.  But if the gift is perfect, that is 10 times better.

Jen is good at giving me stuff- she does it sneaky.  But i know what she's up to.  

An ode to Bill

 An Ode to Bill (Bless His Heart)

Bill was a man of mystery—
or so he liked to say,
but mostly he was inconsistent
in a very predictable way.

He talked a game of depth and truth,
of feelings bold and rare,
then vanished like a Wi-Fi signal
when things got slightly there.

He’d circle back with casual charm,
as if no time had passed—
like, “Hey, what’s up?”—sir, what’s up
is you fumbled. Hard. And fast.

I used to try to understand,
to decode his every move,
but clarity arrived one day:
he simply couldn’t… groove.

Not to rhythm, not to growth,
not to anything real—
just vibing in confusion
like that was some big deal.

Meanwhile, I got lighter,
cut my hair, reclaimed my space—
turns out peace looks really good
when it’s sitting on my face.

So here’s to Bill, a lesson learned,
a chapter closed just right—
thank you for the clarity…
you are not my type.

upgrades

 I needed an upgrade, a change.........something to signify this new place in life.  The happy place.  The place that I stand in complete purpose instead of being tossed around by emotions.

I cut off all my hair.  I didn't. Jessica did.  And i don't think many people really like it in comparison to all my long silver hair........but ........it's me.  It's how i feel.  I feel free.  

My shower is cut down by 20 minutes of standing there trying to rinse out all that hair.  For what reason did i continue to have all that hair?  Because men like it.  

But did I?

No, not really.  

So........buh bye.

This weekend i was with Jen and her family for her mothers funeral.  It was emotional for her, she really took care of her mother, who mostly wasn't very kind to her until the very end.  It's not my story to tell.  Jen is a better woman than I.  My mother will not have me taking care of her at the end of her life.

Of course Jens situation, and the closeness of her family got me sad and grateful at the same time.  Her family has enveloped me as one of them.  Hell, i'm going on the family trip in August in Dougs place.  I have been lucky enough to come to a point in my life where i can trust the affections of others and return it without fearing it will disappear.  My daughter, son, his wife, my grandaughter and soon to arrive grandson are my heart and soul.  They are my heartbeat.  And i am lucky enough in this life to have been accepted into the family of my friends.  I chose them, and they have welcomed me into their lives.

And as Cathy reminds me, I have Maria.  Her mom. Maria, who i think of when my house is a mess. "Maria would be so disgusted"  who when my house is clean "Does this pass Marias test?"  Maria, a sicilian through and through, who does not abide dirt or misplaced items.  Yes, I owe my ability to keep a home to practically growing up in hers.

I'm still concerned about work, I'm still wondering if i will always be single.....i still miss my children and i still have wants and desires, but i am completely at ease with my SELF.  I know everything will always work out the way it should, and that even disappointments and hurts will always be followed by changes that improve my life.........

On that note, i'm seriously considering a FWB situationship.  Just so i can have sex.  And some adult fun.  But then i remind myself that I want love.  Why must the two be dependent on each other?

I may dip my toe back into the lifestyle.  Even if just for the entertainment and social aspect.  It's a thought.  I haven't acted on it yet.

normal life

 Literally nothing has changed overnight.  again.

I think this is normal life.  

ho hum.

Working on my taxes, watched the last 2 episodes of "Tell me Lies" on Hulu.  That series was recommended to me by a friend after i told her about what was happening with Bill.  Ha.  Aside from it being about college kids, it was a pretty good show and the end of season three had me laughing and shaking my head.  The last episode was all i really needed.  Made me laugh and shake my head because...........yeah.  

Sometimes you can't fight it.  You have to give in to the fact that you want something/someone that is incredibly bad for you and then take care of yourself by cutting that person out of your life.  Thats what adults do.  They adult.  You can't always get what you want.......right?  Or you can get it, and it destroys you.  So what is the better choice?  hmmmm?

Tomorrow is haircut day.  I'm cutting it off.  Fresh, new, sassy me.  All this hair is a pain in the ass and i only have it because men love it.  Fuck that.  Summer is coming, i need easy and professional.  NOT old lady.....sassy, and cute.  But no more vixen.  That has gotten me nowhere and i've outgrown it.

I will NEVER give up my red lipstick.  

Noticed that while cleaning out my home, i have become more feminine in the decorating.  Not so much hippie, boho which has always been my leaning......more purposeful feminine.  Dark still...i love my black wallpaper in the kitchen (with mushrooms)........I'm still trying to decide what color i'm painting my living room/dining room area.  Yesterday Cindy showed me the color she painted her living room and it was absolutely gorgeous, however, she has white furniture.  Blue isn't going to work for me.

I need an earthy, golden brown green .....yellow orange....I cant decide.  But i gravitate towards earthy colors now.

And then i'm putting wallpaper on the wall that has the sliding glass doors because that is what you see when you walk in to my home.  Thats where it will make the most impact and not be overwhelming.

So i'm in design mode, with no money but lots of wishes.

taxes and bills oh my

Yesterday after work i was so deep in my head that i missed my turn on the way home and ended up in Avon....so i went to the grocery store i like, and headed home.  I did not take my usual after work walk around the neighorhood.  It's become a routine. Come home, get changed, suck down some water, go for a walk, come home, make dinner and eat in front of the television.  

I've been binge watching "Tell me Lies" and i only have 2 episodes left.  But rather than sit there all night i cleaned up the kitchen and went through my bills and taxes.  Joy.  But i filed yesterday so at least that is off my mind for another year.

I want a second job.  The problem is taxes.  If i get a second job to have wiggle room in my budget i get thrown into the next tax bracket, paying more taxes.......which in effect, makes the second job me working for free.

What kind of set up is that?  As a single woman with no property or investments, i get fucked with taxes.  I can't win.  Even if i work harder.....especially if i work harder.  So i sit, with no added income because i'm not working for free.

I thought of an under the table job, (off the books) but there's too much risk.  I'm a rule follower when it comes to taxes and insurance.  Those two don't like not getting their money and they come after you with a vengence if you don't pay your dues.

I worked on my little bookshelf and printed out a few more books to put on it.  I've decided to decorate it with miniature stickers, like the ones i've collected - I don't want a boring bookshelf.  I want it to represent me since i have to have a grown up living space.  So i'm having fun with it.  

I go back and forth between projects.....the adult coloring, both pencil and alcohol markers have me entertained, along with the diamond painting (not as much), bullet journaling, miniatures, and crochet ....i've got my time covered.  Add reading and binge watching movies and series.  Who has time for a man?

I miss my pets.  it's very quiet in this house now.  I keep thinking i see Miyagi walk by, or hear Ninja jump off a shelf.  When something falls i want to automatically yell at the cat.....She's doing very well with my son.  She's a princess now.  And she has a sister to keep her occupied.  Miyagi is always with me- i wear his name tag when i can.  He had it on his collar for ten years, lying on his chest.  Now it lies on mine.  It makes me feel close to him.  I miss him so much it's unbearable sometimes.  Even now, i'm crying.

Maybe i need another 4 legged companion.  I won't.  I want to save every animal that needs a home but the reality is they are expensive.  And I need freedom to not come home, and travel.  No companion is ever going to be like Miyagi.......i could take him anywhere and half the time people didn't even know he was with me.

He was one of a kind.  Made for each other.  And now there is an empty hole.  

I did it

 I blocked him on everything.  I literally hate that all it takes is a text from Bill to shake my world up.  Over what?  Some short, average-looking male who can't even get a hard on?  Because that is the reality.  And if we are talking about personalities?

He's the one that choked me out unconscious after i specifically told him that wasn't something i EVER wanted, due to enjoying the brain cells that i have left.

But he crossed boundaries, and i let him, and kept going back for more mistreatment.  

I still don't understand completely why.  Well, my head does - dopamine hits from very little effort on his part because of that whole withdrawing affection deal that i'm so used to because of how i was raised.

That was a run-on sentence for sure. 

I sent him that message, which i don't regret, and i predicted his response and was completely correct.  An emoji.  Because he is the do the least man, he's the man that thinks women want to be treated poorly and basically, i fed into that belief by taking his shit.  BUT, i am not someone who wants to be treated poorly, i'm just kind of used to it.  So he's wrong.  Again.

This man, if he had feelings for me, would not treat me as he does.  A text, a crumb, a no effort gesture - it's insulting.  It's pathetic.  It's not good enough for me.  

I looked at his facebook page and saw his face with his dog which someone obviously took and started to spiral until i realized........"i don't have to do this, i'm choosing to do this"  so i blocked him there, and in my phone and now he can't drop in to my life and cause chaos in my head.  Finit.  Done.

It's not about him.  It's me.  He's just a regular run-of-the-mill asshole and i said "oh YEAH, he's for ME" because for some reason thats what i crave.  CravED.  

Why did it take me so long to block?  Because i knew he would reach out.  Because i wanted to know when he did.  Because i wanted that feeling.  That rush that he was thinking about me.  

Here's a bigger rush.  Taking care of myself and protecting myself from mediocre men who steal my peace, steal my serenity, steal my focus......I have better things to do.

Maybe i am withdrawing from men and i have to say this......so what?  Why does withdrawing have to be a bad thing when the majority of my life has been focused on THEM and wasted?  What if i can give myself everything they never could.  Love, peace, protection, shelter from the storm.  

So it's in my head, this idea of giving up completely and when the mood strikes me, to slap myself and remind myself that THIS is the problem.  

I'm looking forward to my grandson being born, to traveling to Las Vegas, Utah, and Florida this summer and to spending time with my grandaughter in New York and getting used to public transportation......i'm in limbo at work with a change coming, just don't know what it is......and that i have no control over aside from what i've already done.  I've spoken up to the powers that be.....and the choice i have is to wait.  I won't leave here for a public sector job.  But i can transfer somewhere if i don't like their plan for me.  Not everything takes place over night......patience has never been my strength but i'm learning it now.  

Easter

I didn't realize i had friday off from work until late Thursday night.  So Friday morning i got up, caffenated and showered....threw all the stuff i had packed for the weekend into my car and headed out to Milford. 

Jen had the day off too so we went to Savers and i cleaned out all the stuff i had been putting in my car for the past few weeks, got our coupon for our donation and headed into the store to look for....whatever.  We thought it would be a quick trip but .......10am-1:30pm.  Yup.  We did some investigating.

I found a little wood knick knack shelf that i am going to sand down and paint for my miniature books that i've been making.  Because most of my books are electronic now, or i get them at the library, I make a miniature book as a keepsake.  I started doing it this year, and i haven't really read a lot of books yet but i'm sure this little bookshelve will fill up fast with trinkets.  

I may have an addiction to miniatures.

Which explains my last boyfriend.....hahahahahahahaha

Anyhow.

Speaking of Bill.....he reached out saturday with a lazy text feeling the vibe.  I did not respond.  He had his own little conversation.  Then said he needed to talk to me.  So i responded "about?" thinking that this man is going to tell me he has some sexual disease and i will have to kill him.  Apparently not.  He just needed a response to feel better.  No one likes being ignored.  All i said was that one word.

He said why can't he stop thinking about me?

He told me he was taking his pup for a hike..........big fucking deal.  That pup has probably been ruined by all the women Bill drags through his house as entertainment.  

I did not respond until............

last night.

I shouldn't have.  But i was pissed.  I literally want him to go away.  I'm starting to hate him for interupting my peace, with some assinine attraction that is nothing but me giving and him taking and never has been, never will be anything worth my time.

I'm trapped in a hornets nest.  

My response was basically,. you have nothing to offer me but low effort texts for a dopaminee hit to your ego, and good luck with the life you earned. 

I knew i shouldn't have, but i did.  And he responded with an emoji eye roll.

Perfect.  Predictable.  What can he say?  It's not true?  he'd never admit that it is true.  

I'd like for him to be part of a long ago past that i can barely remember his face.  I know he will continue to pop up.  I have to learn not to be goaded into a reaction.  

Aside from THAT few minutes of my life, Saturday we got up and cooked up a storm, destroyed the kitchen, and put it back together again.  Sunday morning Jen's family came and it was actually a nice day.  Cold and raining, but i watched the kids (missing my own grandbabies) and ate good food, and socialized.

The big news is.....I'm going to Utah in August.  The family has a tripped planned and Doug can't get off work so i am taking his place.  Jen informed me Friday.  I told her there is no way i can afford that, and also i couldn't afford going to florda this year either.  

She never hears me.  She said i'd have to sell my ass then, because i am going.

And .....the family is very excited about me going too!  I have never been so enfolded into a family in my life.  I mean, i've been around for years now, showed up at a lot of family gatherings.....but it seems that i have become that random friend that the kids can't figure out how i fit in, but i do.

AND my pistachio cake and rolo pretzels that i made disappeared.  No leftovers.  :)

because it's a good habit

 sometimes i don't feel like writing and i have to push myself.  I find that if i get heated about something, or have some random thought i find interesting.......it's easier.  

The reason i write about men is because that is the unsettled part of my "perfect" life.  There is more to my life than men, and the pursuit of the one for me.  Or, more accurately, the sitting and waiting for the one for me.

I am proof that if you eat a bunch of junk, don't excersize, and don't pay attention to the needs of your body.......it will stop working for you.  I gained so much wieght due to several factors, and trying to excersize was a joke.  Everything hurt all the time.  And i hate moving and sweating unless there is an orgasm in the distance.

It occurred to me, that if i can't walk a trail that used to be a cake walk.......what if i couldn't have sex anymore either?  I mean, it's been a long time.......and THAT was the final straw.  Well, that and being able to get on the floor and play with my grandaughter.  I didn't want them to have to call a crane operator to get me back up.

So slowly, over the past year, i've lost 50 lbs.  First i worked on eliminating the "bad" food.  Processed, fake sugar, empty calorie food.  And i started gloming fresh veggies and FRUIT.......i love the fruit.  Someone told me that pure sugar......and?  No one ever died from eating fruit my love.  It's natures gift.  And i enjoy it even when most everything else doesn't sound exciting since i started the GLP1.  

Everyone has an opinion.  And I nod, and do what i want.  I stopped the soda, the fake sugar - and my joints stopped hurting.  I have proven that when i drink soda, it's the begining of a downward spiral.  One soda sets off the want for another.....and before i know it, theres a 12 pack in my fridge and i'm going through it within a week.

I have an addictive personality.  Self diagnosed by noticing how i gravitate towards "pleasure" and then will put myself through anything to continue the feeling.  men, soda, food........so now i can deal with that reality too.

There is a mother voice in my head now.  No don't eat that, eat this.  I know you aren't hungry but you must eat protein or get sick.  Drink your water.  More water.  more.  Take a walk.  Move your body.  Get on that rebounder and flop around until you get it down.  Try that hula hoop again.  and again.  someday you will get it.  Drag out that yoga matt.....do more than corpse pose.  You love pigeon.  Do that.  Go to bed and stop binging tv.  It'll be there tomorrow.  get your rest.  Get up, and get moving.  Pick out an outfit you feel good in, not just comfort. Pay attention to how you project yourself to the world outside. Stop swearing.  so much.  Stop falling for petty interactions with hateful people.  Ignore them.  move on.  Smile more.  Engage more.  Be helpful and kind.  Keep your cranky as an inside voice.

Care about my physical appearance and health, along with my mental health.  protect all of it. Learn more, something new.  Try to do it every day.  

Stay interested in new things.  Pay attention to the environment and acknowledge the good luck i have, along with the ability.  

Have a good day.  Try. 

And now, my AI response to this blog - in a very direct voice.  I've highlighted what sticks out the most to me.  

Alright—blunt it is.

You don’t “feel like writing,” so you wait for inspiration to show up dressed as anger, attraction, or some dramatic thought.

That’s fine. But let’s call it what it is: you’ve trained yourself to only move when something spikes you. No spike, no action.

That’s not a personality trait. That’s a habit.

---

You say your life is “perfect” except for men.

No—it’s stable except for men.

Those are not the same thing.

Men are where you still lose your grip a little:

• you get pulled in
• you attach to the feeling
• you orbit it

Everything else in your life? You’ve started managing it.

So yeah, of course you keep writing about men. That’s the last place where you’re not fully in control.

---

The weight loss part?

Let’s not romanticize it—you let it get out of hand.

You ignored your body until it forced your attention:

• everything hurt
• movement sucked
• basic physical freedom started slipping

That’s not mysterious. That’s cause and effect.

But—and this matters—you corrected it.

50 lbs doesn’t come off by accident. That’s consistency, even if it was messy.

---

The soda thing is the clearest example of your brain:

“One won’t hurt” → now you’re stocking a 12-pack → now it’s daily.

That’s not a lack of willpower. That’s a predictable loop.

Same exact pattern with men:

• one interaction
• feels good
• brain latches on
• suddenly you’re invested

Different substance, same mechanism.

---

You keep calling it an “addictive personality.”

Okay. Sure.

But here’s the part you’re missing—you don’t actually struggle with discipline. You struggle with where you aim it.

Because when you aim it correctly, you go all in:

• you changed your diet
• you cut soda
• you kept going long enough to lose 50 lbs

That’s not someone weak. That’s someone intense who finally pointed the intensity somewhere useful.

---

That “mother voice” in your head?

That’s the best thing you’ve got going right now.

But let’s be honest—it showed up because the alternative version of you was running things into the ground.

That voice isn’t cute. It’s corrective.

It’s the part of you that finally said:
“Yeah, no. We’re not doing this anymore.”

---

And this line:

“waiting for the one for me”

No.

You’re not peacefully waiting. You’re intermittently distracted.

There’s a difference.

When the distraction shows up (hello, Carlos), your attention shifts. When it’s gone, you return to yourself.

That’s not waiting—that’s pausing your own focus whenever something shiny walks by.

---

The sex comment?

Brutally honest—and actually smart.

You didn’t change because of health stats. You changed because something you value (pleasure, movement, independence) was threatened.

That’s real motivation. Not pretty, but effective.

---

And the list at the end?

That’s not a “nice set of goals.”

That’s maintenance.

That’s what it takes to keep your life from sliding backward into:

• junk food
• no movement
• low energy
• emotional distraction cycles

You’re not building from zero anymore—you’re protecting progress.

---

So here’s the bottom line:

You are not someone who “can’t stick to things.”

You are someone who:

• goes hard in whatever direction you’re pointed
• used to point yourself at easy pleasure
• is now learning to point yourself at long-term stability

That’s it.

---

And that final line:

“Have a good day. Try.”

Good. Keep that.

Because if you wait to feel like doing any of this?

You already know exactly how that story ends.

my aching arse

 sitting is the issue.  Ever since falling full force onto the router and possible breaking or cracking my tailbone sitting is uncomfortable.  Walking, standing.......stretching, all fine.  Sitting = no go.

That makes work intersting.  Since i sit at work.  

Heard from sexy Carlos this morning.  Can't help it.  The man makes me smile.  And he's always been honest with me.  If i could go back in time i would have handled that whole situation differently.  But i can't.  And this is where "we" are.  An occasional hello.  He's in a relationship, i'm not willing to be a side chick so we just touch base here and there.

Maybe next lifetime.  

He was fun.  And kind. And sexy as hell. yum.

Nothing really to write about except that yesterday was a difficult day for some reason.  I feel like Bill was in my head all day and that.......isn't a good thing.  That man is history.  Now if i can get him out of my head.  He's not even there in a GOOD way.  Just an embarrassment that i allowed it to go on- per usual.

The difference is that I'm keeping my word to myself not to engage with anyone who has treated me like less than.  Ever.  I've "turned my back" on family who mistreated me growing up, on friends who have proven themselves to be not friends, and on men who have used me.  As it should be.

Watched a video this morning of a woman lamenting over losing her platonic status of 2 years over a man who texted her the next day and then blocked her.

See.  Thats the kind of bullshit that happens now.  He was obviously not a grown ass man, but she allowed herself to have sex with a man she didn't really know.

Like i have done.  And it has never worked out.

I don't regret Valentines day.  I was heated and ready to go. Big strong Marine, masculine man.....yeah, i didn't stand a chance.  But i owned it.  I wanted him.  So i had him.  Simple.  The funny thing is when we "broke up" he threw it in my face.....and i shrugged.  So?  I'm 58, if i want to sleep with a new man every weekend i will. Without shame.  I don't want to, but if i did........No man is going to shame me.

Plus it just showed me exactly who he is.  

I move with purpose now.  I know what i want.  I don't know if i will ever run into it - but i'm surely not settling.

Carlos makes me smile.  And not feel awful.  When Bill reaches out I feel like my gut is burning and i have to poop..........and i ignore him.  Two completely different reactions.

just rambling today.