Walking Barefoot in Snow

 I'm realizing that i am out of control.   After all that, i texted him when i couldn't sleep and told him "fuck it, just bring me my key on Friday" and then a short conversation took place where i said "i'm being dramatic and it's not a big deal". But it is because i'm back sliding into the story i prefer. So this blog entry is going to be unhinged.  If i can't be honest here, where the hell can i be?  My feelings change within a moment without cause or reason.  My emotions are ruling my world at this moment. And it feels good. I'm a traitor. I don't care about her, when we've been going round about this BS for a year now.  I am the one that reached out to HER when i felt like he was talking so much shit about a woman who thought they were "friends"...Woman to Woman.  And she wanted nothing to do with him, was dating someone else.   So i can work this in my head and justify it by saying She is the one who stepped out of...

 I might be getting smarter, but it sure doesn't make it feel any better. I asked, and got the truth.  I dug a little, held his feet to the fire, and got the whole truth. He is with someone.  Someone is his ex.  And she lives with him.   So there's that. That's all there needs to be.  All i need to know.  I don't want anything to do with any of that. I feel .........sad? but relieved.  He's the guy that would see me to "figure out what this is" between us while she unknowingly sits at home?   No. Lets be honest, I hate her.  But I hate her because of him.  So it's a biased hate.  I SHOULD be hating him, not her.  I should feel sorry for her.  I do feel sorry for her.  I want a best friend and lover in the same package.  Maybe thats a tall order, and maybe that is never going to happen for me.  But i do NOT want a man I can't let my guard down around, or trust.  I don't want to have to wor...

 This thing is gonna save my hands.  I never realized how weak my hands are until i was handling the handguns of a friend of mine.  I cannot drop the hammer OR pull the trigger....not even close.  I realize i can fix that for my personal firearm, but ........i don't like knowing i have weak hands.  Not okay.  As we get older the focus is on mobility but we forget how important our hands are too!  so i ordered this, just a simple one, no batteries, no charging , it runs on cyntriphical force alone.  It took me a few trys to figure it out......much like i'm STILL trying to figure out the damn hula hoop.  But i finally got it!  The wrist ball, not the hula hoop.  Still working on that one. I like being called during the day and having a real conversation that isn't about the weather and is about whats going on during our day, and ......why we are connected no matter how hard we try not to be.   I told him I really wanted to k...

 i opened pandora's box yesterday.  I had an overwhelming and immediate need to reach out to him. Fuck. I thought "whats the worst thing that can happen?"   By the end of the day he was telling me to meet him at his new shop and "just have a beer" .....and when i repeatedly said "no" he finally gave in with a "you're not interested".  Which was meant to have me respond.  And i did not. Last night when i was sleeping he sent me his "goodnight" text..the one that i used to wait for and if it didn't have kisses, i would feel like i was being punished.  Like a 16 year old. What is this dynamic?   I am so very wary of him.  And i can't stay away.  What the. FUCK. Addiction. Because when he responded to me, and told me what i needed to "hear" without prompting....I want to believe him.  But i know he hasn't changed.  I have. I can see myself, melting with his attention.  His affection because he knows that reals ...

 My work situation has been making me lose sleep.  It's not that i don't still love my job.  I do.  But it's all very uncertain. I'm not too worried about being unemployed.  It's mostly about what will I be doing, and where is my home?  At this point, i literally am a stepchild that no-one pays attention to aside from my boss. es.  Some say that's a good place to be.  Some don't understand financing, and who is paying for me to be here. I'm a program coordinator.  I have a program, and i coordinate it.  Along with that, i do general support for my "old" boss.  Now i have both and old and a new boss and it appears that the new boss will need a lot more support.  Thats me.  I know how to do it, i've BEEN doing support for the majority of my career.  I had finally grown out of it and moved into a position where i "owned" something. So many changes are happening at the top going down.   I have to protect myself....

 I belong to a group on Facebook for single people over the age of 50.  People from all over the country are members.  It's a pretty large group and i'm an on and off participant.  Mostly i view the conversations and memes.  At time, i will post a question or situation to get feedback. Thursday i recieved no text or phone call from "Ted" the man who had asked me on Monday to go for drinks on Thursday after work.  We made the plan and that was it.  No further contact.  Thursday, after work, i went home, got changed and did my usual thing.  At 6pm he texted me that he was "there" waiting for me. I texted him back and said "I had not heard from you, took it as disinterest, and made other plans" He wasn't happy.  He said, "if you needed conversation from me you should have said something"....... This man is supposedly an executive in a large insurance company in CT.  If he doesn't know that confirmation AT THE VERY LEAST is common cou...

 Meeting a stranger after work tonight to have an alcoholic beverage and awkward conversation....i know you are jealous.  You want to be me.  Admit it. I like his white hair and dimples.  That should be enough.   The man who comes and gets all our shred once a week (theres a lot) is very cute and personable.  He has three grown daughters and he is a protective father.  I think i've seen him having lunch with some little hottie a couple of times.  He's nice.  Yesterday he came in and got the shred and when we was leaving he told me he loved my haircut.  He said " i saw you yesterday and wow, you look great" and he did the wow face.   This man isn't hitting on me, he's a nice man.  I felt like a million bucks after that.  A genuine compliment.  That felt nice. But today, i'm having a fat day.  Nothing feels right on me.  I'm going home to change after work and mystery man is getting jeans and a t-shi...

 Maybe i'm going to die soon and my past is revisiting me to make amends? First, Bill pops up again (predictable) Then Mr. Tattoo reaches out for some flirtation before disappearing again Those are the only two men i've remotely attached to since my breakup over 10 years ago.  Can't really call them relationships since it mostly went one way.  Me to them.  Them not choosing me. I have dated a few men more than once, really, i have! Theres Mr. Tickle (i can't remember how i referred to him before but we dated on and off and he has a tickle fetish).  He pops up as viewing my stories and my linked in.  He's engaged to the woman he was with for years before dating me (apparently on the side)....so what NOW?   And today, Mr. Saybrook, the guy that needs someone to move in to his house so he can pay for it, sends me a message on instagram. He was another one, couldn't stay with one woman.  We dated a few times, i saw all the signs of being love bom...

 I have no patience. I have been working on besties project for 2 weeks now and last night i thought i was finished.  The plan i had in my head was finished. But it doesn't look finished to me. And I see all the places i made mistakes. It looks like a kid did it. Now to be fair, i only JUST started watercolor painting within the past year.  I didn't take classes, or do anything besides fool around with it, and watch some shorts online to technique.  I'm not a good rule follower. I felt the same way about Jens gift and she loves it.  Still talks about it and shows people what i made for her.  So it can't be that bad, or she is supporting her special needs friend. (eye roll) Making a gift for someone is......a labor of love.  I hope she loves it.   Thats what last night was.  Home, read for about an hour, heat up leftovers, finish besties project, read, bed. Fall asleep at 8:30pm, wake up at 10, 12, 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5:30am before finally giv...

 i did it, took the initiative and applied for a lateral position where i work.  I don't have the degree to go any higher.  I love my current job, but i've been catching on to the fact that my whole program is on the chopping block and they are just waiting for my boss to leave first. I sure as hell am not going to be the one to tell him that all his work is going down the chute.  It is an incredibly intricate and difficult program, i'll say that.  And i know it inside and out.  Saying that, not one person from that office has invited me to a meeting or inquired about my suggestions on how to simplify it. I am the pee on, and work with leadership.  They make random decisions and changes and don't think to ask the person who is doing the work.   I spoke to my "new" current boss about what my position will look like when my "old" boss is officially gone.  No one knows what is going on, but everyone insists that i don't have to worry about ...

 the past couple of nights have been doozies!  Tossing and turning, waking up fully awake and ready to rock and roll in the middle of the night.  It's going to catch up to me.  Probably when i least need it to. Dreaming a lot about work.  I will feel much better once we have passed into July - and i have made the cut and someone has agreed to finance my paycheck.  I feel so out of control and pissed off that the SOM just decided they aren't paying for me next fiscal year *poof.   Everyone tells me not to worry that of course i'll have a job but .........i'd be insane not to worry.  My contract was with SOM.  I'm basically free floating at the moment.  FML Here's the thing, finding work at my age will be near impossible because they expect me to retire within a few years.  AND they won't want to pay what i would expect to be paid for my experience. Mama isn't working for free and giving up the knowledge.  Sorry.  ...

 I spent the entire weekend alone if you don't count going out shopping.  Yesterday i went to Ocean State Job Lot in Canton because it's my favorite place to find different food that won't cost a fortune (like World Market in West Hartford, which i LOVE but is a litte expensive) It was rainy and dreary cold....so i got dressed (i had planned a pj day) and headed out to browse.  I forgot i had to go through Burlington to get to the store and as i was driving i started to panic.  But it went away.  I drove through, no problems.  The only thought i had was that he is a coward and that i will be taking the hike in the woods very soon.  He won't be there to see my improvement.  His loss.  My gain. I lost more than weight and weakness over the past year.  I made room for self love and self care.  Of course because that was my route when going to see him I was going the think of him, but his influence over my emotions is losing strength....

 Woke up this morning thinking it was Sunday, and feeling like booooooo. I asked Alexa what day it was.  Twice.  Then i believed him.  Yes, my Alexa is a "He". I don't believe anything he says either until i've confirmed it. HA The project for my besties birthday has me kerfluxed.  I have a few options, and i'm running out of time.  Maybe buying stuff I can't afford is the better option.  No.  I kid.  I just don't know if she will appreciate how much time and planning is going into making her something one of a kind, from my heart. I'm not an artist.  I'm a sentimentalist.  If i make it for you, it's filled with love.   Side trip, i'm making my mini bookcase.  It's an ongoing project that is not original.  One of the downsides of reading library books, or electronic books on my kindle is that I don't have the books to represent how much and what i've been reading.  My comfort.   I saw a few people ...

 You ever do something you think you might regret but you go ahead and do it anyways because........you can? I do it all the time.  And a LOT of times, it works out.  Like this haircut.  I'm feeling myself.  I needed an update, a cleanup, something that better represented who i am right now. I don't give a FUCK about what men want.  It's all about me.  It's been a long time coming.  I had that long hair that was a big fat pain in the ass because i thought it would make me more attractive to the male species.   And i no longer care.  I like this short sassy hair.  It fits who i am.   And if i want to have a little flirtation fun sometimes with a man..........i'm going to do it.  Beause i want to.  Not because i think it's what he wants.   Something that hasn't changed over the years........i don't do what i don't want to do. No shame in my game. No giving away what my wants and needs are into the ha...

 I go for long periods where the idea of sex, because it's attached to man, is a big no go.  If i knew him already, and knew what i was getting involved with.......that would be different.  But a new man at this point in my life feels like a big risk, and a big time sucker.   I've said before, we are single at this point in life, for a reason.  I'm not easy.  I want attention, reassurance, AND to be left alone, a lot.  It's kind of a puzzle to figure out which one when.  That makes me difficult.  I like my alone time.  I like my quiet time.  I also like to go out with my girlfriends and some men apparently are threatened by that.  They don't like me going out with the girls. I'll just say here, that i'm the one who growls at men who approach uninvited, and my girlfriends are all married.  Except me.  So if anyone is going to be a bad influence, it's me and i dont need to have witnesses.....i do better on my own. ...

 All my energy is focused outward, on whatever male is prominent at the moment.  Or was.  I feel like something has shifted after Marine man.   I was so willing to once again ignore the red flags (love bombing, too much too fast) because i don't want to do the work.  The patient part.  The part where I sit back and learn a man, and if he fits into my life and what i want. It's fun to jump in.  But thats what teenagers do.  They have nothing to lose, like a job, income, housing, sanity...........jumping in blind is not a risk, it's a no win. So i noticed that i did it.  looked for the fun, and not the work of what it really takes to get to know someone.  I don't let friends in that fast.  Because i know the value of friends. Maybe i don't know the true value of a man.  Or maybe, it shouldn't matter till it matters. Anyways, that shift.   I've been called a cold fish, standoffish, hard, and sometimes mean by men th...

 I did not sleep well last night.  I tossed and turned, watched TV, tried to read, had a snack, and smoked a little smoke.......nothing was working.  I woke up around midnight like it was time to go to work....looked at my phone and there was a spicy message. THAT is how i want to wake up.   And go to sleep. Oh, you naughty man.  Setting fires where you cannot put them out.   I've been considering a FWB since the dating thing is a dead end.  Could i?  Without getting emotionally attached?  I think so. I think back to how devastated i was when D and i broke up - it took me 10 years to finally not feel any way about it.  Now, i don't even know how i was with him in the first place.  If he approached me now, as he is, in his situation, i would not even talk to him.  We have literally nothing in common any more. Except maybe motorcycles.  He drive, me ride.  I'd do that.  And i love him in a way we love som...

My bestie is really hard to buy for.  She is very particular, and she likes expensive things that i cannot afford. That said, we do not exchange gifts for our birthdays or holidays.  She would go crazy and get me expensive lovely gifts and i can't keep up with that.  I know she meant well.  So we decided no more gifts and she HATES it. Jen likes to thrift shop and pretty much only buys second hand items, like me.  For her birthday last year she demanded i make her a bullet journal like mine.  She loved it, and she wanted one.  So i made her a planner and put a lot of quotes and pictures in it.  She carries it with her everywhere.  She loves it. Bestie, did NOT like the idea that i made Jen a gift.  Did she say it?  No.  But i did feel her waves of "what the fuck" .......so this year, i'm making her gift.   I wrote her a poem, and i am transferring it onto a watercolor painting i did of her birthday month flowers....

  An Ode to Bill (Bless His Heart) Bill was a man of mystery— or so he liked to say, but mostly he was inconsistent in a very predictable way. He talked a game of depth and truth, of feelings bold and rare, then vanished like a Wi-Fi signal when things got slightly there . He’d circle back with casual charm, as if no time had passed— like, “Hey, what’s up?”—sir, what’s up is you fumbled. Hard. And fast. I used to try to understand, to decode his every move, but clarity arrived one day: he simply couldn’t… groove . Not to rhythm, not to growth, not to anything real— just vibing in confusion like that was some big deal. Meanwhile, I got lighter, cut my hair, reclaimed my space— turns out peace looks really good when it’s sitting on my face. So here’s to Bill, a lesson learned, a chapter closed just right— thank you for the clarity… you are not my type.

 I needed an upgrade, a change.........something to signify this new place in life.  The happy place.  The place that I stand in complete purpose instead of being tossed around by emotions. I cut off all my hair.  I didn't. Jessica did.  And i don't think many people really like it in comparison to all my long silver hair........but ........it's me.  It's how i feel.  I feel free.   My shower is cut down by 20 minutes of standing there trying to rinse out all that hair.  For what reason did i continue to have all that hair?  Because men like it.   But did I? No, not really.   So........buh bye. This weekend i was with Jen and her family for her mothers funeral.  It was emotional for her, she really took care of her mother, who mostly wasn't very kind to her until the very end.  It's not my story to tell.  Jen is a better woman than I.  My mother will not have me taking care of her at the end o...

 Literally nothing has changed overnight.  again. I think this is normal life.   ho hum. Working on my taxes, watched the last 2 episodes of "Tell me Lies" on Hulu.  That series was recommended to me by a friend after i told her about what was happening with Bill.  Ha.  Aside from it being about college kids, it was a pretty good show and the end of season three had me laughing and shaking my head.  The last episode was all i really needed.  Made me laugh and shake my head because...........yeah.   Sometimes you can't fight it.  You have to give in to the fact that you want something/someone that is incredibly bad for you and then take care of yourself by cutting that person out of your life.  Thats what adults do.  They adult.  You can't always get what you want.......right?  Or you can get it, and it destroys you.  So what is the better choice?  hmmmm? Tomorrow is haircut day.  I'm cutting i...

Yesterday after work i was so deep in my head that i missed my turn on the way home and ended up in Avon....so i went to the grocery store i like, and headed home.  I did not take my usual after work walk around the neighorhood.  It's become a routine. Come home, get changed, suck down some water, go for a walk, come home, make dinner and eat in front of the television.   I've been binge watching "Tell me Lies" and i only have 2 episodes left.  But rather than sit there all night i cleaned up the kitchen and went through my bills and taxes.  Joy.  But i filed yesterday so at least that is off my mind for another year. I want a second job.  The problem is taxes.  If i get a second job to have wiggle room in my budget i get thrown into the next tax bracket, paying more taxes.......which in effect, makes the second job me working for free. What kind of set up is that?  As a single woman with no property or investments, i get fucked with tax...

 I blocked him on everything.  I literally hate that all it takes is a text from Bill to shake my world up.  Over what?  Some short, average-looking male who can't even get a hard on?  Because that is the reality.  And if we are talking about personalities? He's the one that choked me out unconscious after i specifically told him that wasn't something i EVER wanted, due to enjoying the brain cells that i have left. But he crossed boundaries, and i let him, and kept going back for more mistreatment.   I still don't understand completely why.  Well, my head does - dopamine hits from very little effort on his part because of that whole withdrawing affection deal that i'm so used to because of how i was raised. That was a run-on sentence for sure.  I sent him that message, which i don't regret, and i predicted his response and was completely correct.  An emoji.  Because he is the do the least man, he's the man that thinks women wan...

I didn't realize i had friday off from work until late Thursday night.  So Friday morning i got up, caffenated and showered....threw all the stuff i had packed for the weekend into my car and headed out to Milford.  Jen had the day off too so we went to Savers and i cleaned out all the stuff i had been putting in my car for the past few weeks, got our coupon for our donation and headed into the store to look for....whatever.  We thought it would be a quick trip but .......10am-1:30pm.  Yup.  We did some investigating. I found a little wood knick knack shelf that i am going to sand down and paint for my miniature books that i've been making.  Because most of my books are electronic now, or i get them at the library, I make a miniature book as a keepsake.  I started doing it this year, and i haven't really read a lot of books yet but i'm sure this little bookshelve will fill up fast with trinkets.   I may have an addiction to miniatures. Which ...

 sometimes i don't feel like writing and i have to push myself.  I find that if i get heated about something, or have some random thought i find interesting.......it's easier.   The reason i write about men is because that is the unsettled part of my "perfect" life.  There is more to my life than men, and the pursuit of the one for me.  Or, more accurately, the sitting and waiting for the one for me. I am proof that if you eat a bunch of junk, don't excersize, and don't pay attention to the needs of your body.......it will stop working for you.  I gained so much wieght due to several factors, and trying to excersize was a joke.  Everything hurt all the time.  And i hate moving and sweating unless there is an orgasm in the distance. It occurred to me, that if i can't walk a trail that used to be a cake walk.......what if i couldn't have sex anymore either?  I mean, it's been a long time.......and THAT was the final straw.  Well, that...

 sitting is the issue.  Ever since falling full force onto the router and possible breaking or cracking my tailbone sitting is uncomfortable.  Walking, standing.......stretching, all fine.  Sitting = no go. That makes work intersting.  Since i sit at work.   Heard from sexy Carlos this morning.  Can't help it.  The man makes me smile.  And he's always been honest with me.  If i could go back in time i would have handled that whole situation differently.  But i can't.  And this is where "we" are.  An occasional hello.  He's in a relationship, i'm not willing to be a side chick so we just touch base here and there. Maybe next lifetime.   He was fun.  And kind. And sexy as hell. yum. Nothing really to write about except that yesterday was a difficult day for some reason.  I feel like Bill was in my head all day and that.......isn't a good thing.  That man is history.  Now if i can get h...