upgrades

 I needed an upgrade, a change.........something to signify this new place in life.  The happy place.  The place that I stand in complete purpose instead of being tossed around by emotions.

I cut off all my hair.  I didn't. Jessica did.  And i don't think many people really like it in comparison to all my long silver hair........but ........it's me.  It's how i feel.  I feel free.  

My shower is cut down by 20 minutes of standing there trying to rinse out all that hair.  For what reason did i continue to have all that hair?  Because men like it.  

But did I?

No, not really.  

So........buh bye.

This weekend i was with Jen and her family for her mothers funeral.  It was emotional for her, she really took care of her mother, who mostly wasn't very kind to her until the very end.  It's not my story to tell.  Jen is a better woman than I.  My mother will not have me taking care of her at the end of her life.

Of course Jens situation, and the closeness of her family got me sad and grateful at the same time.  Her family has enveloped me as one of them.  Hell, i'm going on the family trip in August in Dougs place.  I have been lucky enough to come to a point in my life where i can trust the affections of others and return it without fearing it will disappear.  My daughter, son, his wife, my grandaughter and soon to arrive grandson are my heart and soul.  They are my heartbeat.  And i am lucky enough in this life to have been accepted into the family of my friends.  I chose them, and they have welcomed me into their lives.

And as Cathy reminds me, I have Maria.  Her mom. Maria, who i think of when my house is a mess. "Maria would be so disgusted"  who when my house is clean "Does this pass Marias test?"  Maria, a sicilian through and through, who does not abide dirt or misplaced items.  Yes, I owe my ability to keep a home to practically growing up in hers.

I'm still concerned about work, I'm still wondering if i will always be single.....i still miss my children and i still have wants and desires, but i am completely at ease with my SELF.  I know everything will always work out the way it should, and that even disappointments and hurts will always be followed by changes that improve my life.........

On that note, i'm seriously considering a FWB situationship.  Just so i can have sex.  And some adult fun.  But then i remind myself that I want love.  Why must the two be dependent on each other?

I may dip my toe back into the lifestyle.  Even if just for the entertainment and social aspect.  It's a thought.  I haven't acted on it yet.