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time alone

 I spent the entire weekend alone if you don't count going out shopping.  Yesterday i went to Ocean State Job Lot in Canton because it's my favorite place to find different food that won't cost a fortune (like World Market in West Hartford, which i LOVE but is a litte expensive)

It was rainy and dreary cold....so i got dressed (i had planned a pj day) and headed out to browse.  I forgot i had to go through Burlington to get to the store and as i was driving i started to panic.  But it went away.  I drove through, no problems.  The only thought i had was that he is a coward and that i will be taking the hike in the woods very soon.  He won't be there to see my improvement.  His loss.  My gain.

I lost more than weight and weakness over the past year.  I made room for self love and self care. 

Of course because that was my route when going to see him I was going the think of him, but his influence over my emotions is losing strength.  I got to the store and had zero problems focusing on the stupid things i wanted to buy and put into my carriage.

Doug tells me i have a shopping style.  I love everything, put it into my carriage and then think about it and how i don't need it or it isn't the right price.  Then i put more than half the items back.  As i continue to add to the carriage......It's what i do. 

It's my therapy.  I don't need anything but i like to think about having stuff.  If anything, i throw more items away than i bring in to my home lately.  I've been clearing it out purposefully.  After spending time in Jen's moms house, i learned that i don't want to leave all my "stuff" for other people to have to go through and stress out over.  I want to have an easy home to dismantle.  It's just stuff.  But at the same time i want it to be me, comfortable for me, specifically my place.  It's a balance.

Noticing my taste has been turning to more feminine objects.  Softer. Prettier.  Maybe its a reflection of what is happening internally?  Just a thought.

Yesterday i also blocked a man i had been talking to.  I met him on the "our time" dating website when i had a profile and he reaches out occasionally.  He came at me chatty and pleasant and rapidly turned it into him telling me he was playing with himself.

Sir.  I could give two shits what you are doing.  I don't know you, and i have ZERO desire to meet you anymore.  Block.  

So here's my thought- why, when Mr. Tattoo reaches out and wants to play, do i have a different reaction?  Maybe because i do know him, in THAT way at least.....and its mutual?  Is that a horrible excuse?  I have fun when we have an interlude.......i don't feel bad about it, and at this point i know it's never going to be more than this, and while i'm not seeing anyone, or owe anyone my loyalty.....why not?  I know he's not going to stalk me.  

I don't care for how he *poof disappears after but it's not the type of relationship that feelings should be expressed.  That would indicate closeness and caring.  We are just fun.  He's made that apparent.

And i'm okay with it until i meet someone, IF i ever meet someone.

Now seriously, how do i get Bill out of my thoughts.  Completely.  Negative or positive he's still taking up space where he shouldn't be.  I don't like it.  It's like a sliver in the bottom of my foot.

I keep thinking about my kids, my grandkids.......I don't know how to be close to them and i can't write about them because i feel like it's a betrayal.  I just miss them.  I have no idea what is going on with my daughter.  When i call she doesn't answer.  I can make excuses and say that it's because she has a busy life and when she had down time, she is just like me, she doesn't want to be bothered.

My son is happy and making plans for the baby - as he should be.  

They are good.  I'm the one who misses them.  Is this a parent thing?  They either still live with you or you miss them?  When do we get to all be on the same page.  How do i make that happen without forcing myself on them?

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