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Excuse my judgement, it's on hold

 I'm realizing that i am out of control.  

After all that, i texted him when i couldn't sleep and told him "fuck it, just bring me my key on Friday" and then a short conversation took place where i said "i'm being dramatic and it's not a big deal".

But it is because i'm back sliding into the story i prefer.

So this blog entry is going to be unhinged.  If i can't be honest here, where the hell can i be?  My feelings change within a moment without cause or reason.  My emotions are ruling my world at this moment.

And it feels good.

I'm a traitor.

I don't care about her, when we've been going round about this BS for a year now.  I am the one that reached out to HER when i felt like he was talking so much shit about a woman who thought they were "friends"...Woman to Woman.  And she wanted nothing to do with him, was dating someone else.  

So i can work this in my head and justify it by saying She is the one who stepped out of line when she knew i was seeing him.  She chose this road.  Just like I did.

And here's the funny part......it's fucking BILL.  What is so addictive about this man????  He is just a man.  And he is built up in my head.  I have fallen for the games and the rush, and the excitement.  I know this.  I'm crazy not stupid.

I don't feel like i'm treading on another woman's "yard".  I don't even know what i want or IF i want anything with this man.  But she isn't my hold back.  We both knew what we were involved with.

Life is already complicated and i'm making it more so with this back and forth and the inability to just stay away from this man.

Yes, i'm questioning what is wrong with me.  I do deserve better.  But here's my heart and soul taking the wheel to drive while i throw my common sense into the trunk with a gag.  I hear it kicking and screaming and I DON'T CARE.

I'm sure there will be an emotional price to pay.  Again, I  DON'T CARE.

I'm in the throws of addiction.  I did it to myself by opeing that door.  But if i'm being honest, that door was never closed.  He was and is always on my mind. 

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