All my energy is focused outward, on whatever male is prominent at the moment. Or was. I feel like something has shifted after Marine man.
I was so willing to once again ignore the red flags (love bombing, too much too fast) because i don't want to do the work. The patient part. The part where I sit back and learn a man, and if he fits into my life and what i want.
It's fun to jump in. But thats what teenagers do. They have nothing to lose, like a job, income, housing, sanity...........jumping in blind is not a risk, it's a no win.
So i noticed that i did it. looked for the fun, and not the work of what it really takes to get to know someone. I don't let friends in that fast. Because i know the value of friends.
Maybe i don't know the true value of a man. Or maybe, it shouldn't matter till it matters.
Anyways, that shift.
I've been called a cold fish, standoffish, hard, and sometimes mean by men that don't spark me- i run to the car like my ass is on fire. Or i will stand and talk for hours. I don't get in their cars, thats for sure. Except once...with Carlos, on our first meet. He lit me up. I was on FIRE around him.
Why? No idea. I've dated men that look like him, sound like him, carry themselves like him, but not all in the same package. And he made me laugh. He wasn't so serious, or scary. You would think a guy with a tattoo of a skull in his ear would be intimidating........He wasn't.
It's not about how a man looks, obviously, or Bill would have been out at first sight. I know if I saw Bill in person today i would feel that attraction because it was chemical. It was our energies colliding and crashing, which made it seem like a good idea when it was really a bad bad idea. Too much alike. Too toxic. Not in this lifetime.
Carlos was always a fire lighter. Even when he wasn't trying to be. I couldn't keep my hands off him. He never gave me the idea that we were a couple, he just treated me like a woman. He likes women. He's not afraid of them. It shows. So why did i latch on so immediately to a man who never showed interest in a relationship?
Because he met a need. He set me on fire where other men can barely stoke a coal. Again, a chemical reaction of like minds.....sexually. And thats where it stopped. He treated me so well i mistook it for special when for him, thats just how he behaves. It wasn't his fault i had never experienced how i SHOULD be treated.
Lets add Eddie into this thought process. He also treats me like a queen. He holds my hand when the ground is not even so i don't trip- (it's those little things i notice) He opens doors, he "hosts" like i'm special and in this case i am. I am his friend. We travel together with Doug and Jen but we are not a couple. We sleep together in the same bed and we pillow talk, we cuddle, we steal the covers and complain in the morning laughing. He is "okay Eddie" agreeable in every way, but always a man. If that makes sense. He's happy to let everyone have their way until it crosses his line. I haven't done that. yet. I hope never to do so.
But again- that fire? that chemical reaction? It's not there. Not for him or for me. We have everything BUT that. He's a whore (i call him stud muffin) He dates hot women that are younger and he is kinky as kinky gets. He should be a match for me. Why isn't he?
I ask myself these questions and think about the movie Wierd Science where the boys built the perfect woman. I would just build Carlos, but make him want me. hahahaha.
He does want me. Sexually. no ties. no strings. and ........i'm thinking thats what i want too. I want outstanding sex with a man who won't choke me out after i tell him i don't want that. With a man who respects me as a woman, and even if we are having down and dirty playtime always treats me like a lady. Who wouldn't want that?
I don't know what Carlos's situation is .......and it's none of my business. I know what i'm looking for. I do not want to answer to anyone, have to explain myself to anyone, or wonder about how someone else is feeling about me. I want to have my freedom and not be attached to a man calling me everyday or "omg he is pulling away"..........NO.
I want to focus on ME. AND have sex. With one man, who has the same boundaries, who i actually LIKE.
For as long as that works.
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