Walking Barefoot in Snow

 As willing as i was, am, to investigate alternative lifestyles, i'm not willing to throw myself to the wolves. Through all my mistakes, i've grown and learned how to protect myself, how to take care of myself like the mother i never had. I still consider the feelings of others but no longer above my own needs. This experiment taught me that trusting myself is a good idea, that i will take care of me.  I requested counsel from 2 others that know me very well and they did not try to talk me out of anything yet they identified the pitfalls of what i was thinking about entering into: Could i bring Mr. Cigar around my family?  My co-workers? My friends?   Could i do the things i want to do after retirement with him? Could i have my grandchildren visit me if i lived with him? Could i make his home my home? Could i depend on him? Could i trust him? The question that stuck out to me the most was regarding my grandchildren.  The answer was no.  I wouldn't be a...

 My friend K came over last night to catch up.  I invited her because i wanted to pick her brain about poly relationships.  Talk to someone who lives it and get the real scoop. First we reviewed her breakup with her first, and only "primary" (i hate that term and everything it means) which we all knew had been coming for years.  It took her some time to see what we all were seeing, and it took her more time to end it after she accepted that he wasn't telling her the truth about a lot. And that sticks in my mind. This whole situation i'm in is because he was lying to both of us.  And i really feel it would be naive to think there were no other, ARE no other "friends" that also believe they are seeing him. He could be psychotic, and getting off on twirling up two women who love him.  Or he could be genuinely confused and trying to have it all.,....like anyone would want to.  Not all actually act on it. I think the important thing here is, again, not what...

 Yesterday i went out to my car for a half hour deep sleep nap at lunch.  I couldn't keep my eyes open, Sleep was horrible the night before.  My ELBOWS hurt, all my joints hurt.  so strange. After work i had every intention of eating and going to bed, but Mr. Cigar wanted to go out.  I went to his house for the first time since I left for my cruise in January.  I expected to see a lot of women things, but it was exactly the same.  When i asked him, he told me that she has nothing.  We took his ride and went out to "At the Corner" in Litchfield.  We had such a good time and on the way back we were listening to good music and chair dancing.   It never occurred to me to ask him if she knew we were going out. She had texted that she had gotten out of class early and was on her way home.  When we got there he kept trying to call her to come out so we could all go for a ride.  When she wouldn't answer i started getting a bad fee...

 I sometimes wish i could fast forward to the end of this story and see how it ends. Is it a drama, comedy, suspanse, ....true crime?  What genre does my current life fit into?   Rocky (my nickname for her) came over to my place yesterday.  She arrived at 1pm and left at 5:30pm.  Mr. Cigar left us alone until about 5 when he texted her to tell her he was feeding the dogs and to take her time. We talked.  and talked.  We got really mad at him and we laughed our asses off.  We told "our" side of his stories. We didn't trash him, but we did acknowledge he is not always a nice man.  Lots of reasons why, none of them valid in how he has treated both of us in the past.  I have no tolerance for things he has done to her, and she doesn't understandd why some things just don't bother me like they should. Nothing was answered by the time she left.  But at least we have hugged, laid eyes on each other and appear to have a lot in common as...

 This weekend has been a turning point i didn't see coming. Thats a lie.  Maybe i did know it wasn't going to continue on as it has been. Mr. Cigar made the leap.  Told her about me, that he doesn't want to give either one of us up, and wants to see it we can make it all together. I'm sure sex has it's role in there, knowing him.  I'm sure rental income also has it's place.   I don't know if it would be financially beneficial to me.   This thought pattern will be worked out.  I will be making no big moves until a year of success has been firmly placed under our belts. If we do this. He came over yesterday- it was pouring rain so no walk was going to happen.   I told him i felt ambushed. He reminded me that we've had these conversations over and over about non traditional relationships.  He did what he does, and bulldozed ahead because the opportunity arose.  I felt very unprepared for how and when he told me that conversat...

 Last night i went out to see a live band with Doug, Jen and Ed.  I told Bill i was going out with my friends, and asked him to join us. He said no, he had a competition to be at early Saturday morning. But he called me the afternoon and told me he had a really honest conversation with Mary and he told her about me.  Told her he wants us both. And she is apparently okay with it. I'm high.  I should mention that. THEN he told me how he had sex with her this morning. Because, you know, being honest. Several things.  I didn't feel jealous, but i did feel AGAIN like i was being faithful, passed up an opportunity and while i was passing it up, he was doing something he said he no longer had interest in with her anymore. And i bet she'll be sleeping with him tonight and not downstair anymore. I have so many mixed feelings.  And I'm high.  I passed up Ed last night because while he was drinking and intoxicated he decided to tell me all night that he wants to ...

 Normally, when a man expresses and opinion that i don't agree with, and actually feel quite strongly about......it will turn me off in a way that is not fixable. I have moments where i fall in love with people.  Weird little unsuspecting moments where its like being hit in the head and a light being shined on that person in that moment.  Not IN love, just ....love. I fell in love with Amie the weekend we got stuck on a mountain in an ice storm while we were peeing off the side of a frozen solid truck standing on frozen ground trying not to fall down and laughing our asses off.  Love. I fell in love with Josh when he gave a puppy mouth to mouth resusitation to save it's life.  Love. I fell in love with Mike during a friends camping trip when he took the blame and apologized for something he didn't do just to calm down a woman who was losing her shit and driving everyone crazy.  Love. Those are a few memorable moments.  And i will love them forever weth...

 This morning i was listening to a woman describe her first boyfriend experience, and how abusive and intense it was.  It was more about her than about him, which i appreciated.  I mean, unpopular opinion here but, it takes two.  One to give it and one to take it.  I'm not saying anyone deserves it, what i'm saying is that there are TWO people in that dynamic.  Sometimes it just takes a really long time to leave, or maybe you stay until the other person ends you.  I'm not heartless.  I'm a realist.  The day i let a man hit me in anger is the day that man learns not to hit me.  And the last time he sees me in person. So make it good.  No second chance here. I've stayed before, so i know of what i speak.  Last night Mr. Cigar told me i always go to the doomside of things, and never the positive. I told him that life has taught me to be prepared for the worst.  I have learned that lesson.  And until someone finally treat...

 Today i am struggling.  Since i found out in February that the SOM will no longer be financing it's portion of my salary due to changes they are making regarding the program i coordinate.....that has nothing to do with me, yet EVERYTHING to do with me........I've been on edge. Being at work and not knowing IF you have a job when the boss you were hired to work with on this program is retiring, or almost worse WHAT your job will become if you still have one.......is torture.  And "they" the powers that be,  don't seem to give it a second thought.  Just "you don't have to worry, you will have a job"......as if that is all i need to know. Would they come to work every day and give it their all if they didn't know what department they were working for or what their chain of command was?  And no one seemed to think it was very important? When outside companies come in, or when leadership begins to restructure, ambiguous positions at my level are not ...

 It's hot.  We knew it was coming and here it is.  Overnight we went from cool to roasting.  Welcome to new england. I slept like crap last night.  I wish i knew what the difference is.  What makes one nights sleep so sound and the other so restless?  Although, the sleep was so deep the other night i really had difficulty getting up and went back to bed and slept deeply for another hour.  I wondered if i had drugged myself somehow?   So it's hot and i'm bothered.  I haven't laid eyes on Mr. Cigar in over a week.  this is aggravating to me, however, i am aware that he is crawling with work and already getting ready for the next season.  Yesterday he was telling me about the salt they use (liquid) on commercial properties and how they are projecting a shortage....everywhere is a guessing game.  Buy a lot now and where do you store it?  Don't buy enough and possibly don't have access when you need it.....or pay out ...

 I had a spiral moment on my way home from the shenanigans gathering Saturday night.  I didn't like not being able to get in touch with Mr. Cigar.  All the "what if's" came in and filled up space in my thoughts.  What if i needed him?  What if he is sleeping with her?  What if he has taken her for a ride in his new fancy vehicle?  What if, what if, what if None or all of those things could be true.  And my question to myself is "how does that change your feelings about him?" It gives me pause.  But only pause.  I'm still in it.  But i need to ask myself, why.  I think she's in it to win, not because she loves him so much.  She gets a lot for very little in return.  And what does he get?  Company?  He says no. Her response to the new vehicle sitting in the driveway was "must be nice".........there was no ride apparently.  Of any kind.  BUT it's what he wanted, what he chose and he gets to live with ...

 Well, we all knew it would come to this. I had too much excitement today.  I went to my son and dil's baby shower and brought my two best friends, one silver and one gold...haha I got to see my whole family.  for a couple of hours.  I feel very ....old?  But also very grandma"ie".  Its worth the loneliness off my kids growing up and away when i get to see them sometimes and they give me grandbabies. Then i went to Dave's house for the Shenanigan + gathering which is always nice once i get there.  It's the getting there part that is hard.   Mr. Cigar bought a new Expedition today.  It would have been nice if i could have shared that, or anything with him.  Instead he is home with his "roommate" Okay lets be honest.  I'm spiraling, just like i was meant to.  This man came back to me full force (again), got me again, and began his withdrawal.  Here i go again, on my own......remember that song?   I thought i w...

 Jen thinks i'm uncontrollably attracted to Mr. Cigar because we play games.  He keeps me on my toes, we banter, we one up, it's a constant back and forth of the minds and the wills. He wins on the will.  I have none around him.  And i don't mind that one bit.   The mind though?  I know when someone is trying to take me down a peg or two- and i immediately throw the walls up because..well.....fuck you.  I've been at the bottom of other peoples list for most of my life, including my own.  If thats where anyone trys to put me, i am not interested in engaging. Mr. Cigar is wild.  It's what attracts me partially.  One thing that really pisses me off, with good reason, is that he never takes accountability until WAY after the fact.   I realize i'm getting his left over moments.  And i was/am okay with it due to me not having a lot of time to give to any man at this point.  So in a way, he is getting my left over momen...

 I know this is a bad way to shop, and i have fallen into the trap of "ooooh i want that and it's SO cheap".  Kinda like Walmart used to be.   I have been on a no shopping or impulse buying mission and most of the time I am able to control myself.  I go a little wild at the thrift stores though, sometimes spending a whopping $30 which to me, is excessive without purpose. Ha. That couch was a steal.  Best thing i ever purchased, aside from the $50 solid wood entertainment wall.  It has so much storage and shelving and fits my television perfectly.  Those things used to be thousands and i paid $50.  Score.   Anyways, i use my desk constantly and it's very crowded.  It also fits in the corner perfectly and anything else would be too large.  I've tried to figure out how to get more space and i've come to the conclusion that my monitor needs to be off the desk.  Enter temu.  $15 and now i will have added shelf space a...

 My brain is filled with how i'm going to pay for plane tickets to Florida and Utah this summer and still pay my rent and basic bills. The crunch is real. I make a more than decent wage, i cannot understand how someone who only feeds one person, pays rent and buys all her clothes second hand can't make ends meet.  I bought a couch for $100 and felt like i was spending $10,000.  I'm not cheap.  I'm terrified. One small mis-step and i lose the roof over my head.   At least i wouldn't have any bills then.  Well, i'd have my credit card bills but i could pay them all off with two paychecks. Isn't that fucked up? So the choice is try to stay safe and keep money (doesn't work) or live my life and be creative with how i manage my money and STILL have none........i'm gonna live.   It's scary and at the same time, it's still scary. Really deep diving into my tarot/astrology/numerology lately.  It's uncanny how spot on it is.  Yes, it's subco...

 I tend to fall off writing when i'm in a "good" place, which shouldn't be.  I need to write about when i'm happy and boring too. Mr. Cigar is as he is.  He doesn't change, he just goes through his life living it as he pleases.  I envy that. and i can appreciate it as long as he doesn't treat me as disposable, or a side piece.   I missed him in my life.  It's that simple.  As much disruption and upset that i felt when we were "together" in the past......i felt seen and heard too.   I find that when i'm not waiting for or depending on his attention to feel good, I am a lot happier.  There is not destination in mind.  This will play out for a lifetime or it will stutter and start a few times before it completely finishes.  I'm okay with it. In the meantime, I've been looking for interesting positions to apply for.  I want to know if at this age, i can still be marketable.  I want to know what my worth is profession...

 i have an interview in half an hour and i'm as prepared as i can be.  I'm not nervous, strangely.  I am curious. This would be a lateral move.  I'm looking. It's not that i hate where i am.  I feel a huge change coming and i'd like to be in control of my own destiny.  I don't want to be dragged along as a side thought. Not in my professional life or my personal life. Since we have been talking again i've seen him once.  We talk and text all day every day......unless we don't.  I let him reach out.  I asked him to come see me Tuesday, and he couldn't.  Asked if he could come the next day, Wednesday.  Then last night he had a headache and just wanted to go home.  Thats okay.  I'm not upset.  I'm just watching. This time my emotions will not do the deciding. We will watch.  I don't want to be addicted for the rest of my life to this man, to the unknown.  I want to know EXaCTLY what i'm leaving, or staying with...

 My phone gives me flashbacks of May in the past- and it's filled with my granddaughter over the years.  I love sharing those pictures with my daughter.  I'm glad i take so many pictures.  I just forget to share them. I have to go through my phone so that when i die my kids don't see any shocking photos of mom in the past.  ooops.  It's time to get rid of all that. I had some big fun. And not my life is calm and still on an upward trajectory.  This is what age does, while you can still remember.  I love talking to him.  I think when we aren't speaking, that is what i miss the most. We talk about everything and don't agree about all of it.  We never run out of things to say to each other when we are on the phone or in person.  It just flows.  And i feel heard, if not always understood.  I love to listen to his views and  question my own views, then talk to him about it.  Being fully understood is rare. Being ...

 This morning i was dragging ass.  I went out to dinner and a movie with my bestie last night and got home after 10pm.  So way past my weekday bedtime. We saw the Devil Wears Prada 2 and it was a cute movie.  Besties real estate person does a "movie night with bestie" once a year and the movie is free and they give away raffle gifts.  Fun for something to do.  The theater was filled with women and it was so LOUD.  hmm. Thank you to me for food prepping my lunch and breakfast for work this week because i had no time to throw anything together before i ran out the door.  Thank you me for taking care of me so i didn't have to worry about it. No word from Cute guy yesterday.  I didn't expect it after my ignoring his out of left field texts, nor did i expect to hear from him ever again.  This morning i got a  "Cinco de Mayo" text from him.  Wooooo.  I wonder if that hurt?  I sent back a smile emoji.  Just as much effo...

 I feel .........very calm.  Very neutral. I'm in a quiet space in my head and there are no alarms going off. Work is still very much up in the air, i find myself dreaming about it.  When i was talking to Mr. Cigar he said i could get a job at any hospital in any state, and he's not wrong.  What if i don't retire in Connecticut?  What if i move somewhere that the cost of iving is not so damn expensive. On a single income, and i make a very good wage, I struggle to make ends meet.  The only reason i can go on vacation is because my friends make it happen.  Without them it wouldn't be possible.  I shop consignment and thrift, rarely do i have anything new.  But it's new to me.   Currently i'm sussing out my wardrobe because so much doesn't fit anymore.  My clothes are bagging and yet, i cannot, will not, go out and buy more clothes that won't fit after a season.  I'm waiting to get to my size, not a certain weight.  I k...

 I'm on a roll deep cleaning, reorganizing, reimagining my living space so i can use it to it's full potential for ME.  I don't have guests often, so why do i have a dining room set and full living room crammed with couches?  Because once in a while i entertain. My bedroom used to be set up the way it's "supposed" to be, with walking room on either side of the bed that only i sleep in.  I finally pushed it into the corner freeing up a ton of space that i can now use to HULA HOOP, which is funny because i still haven't figured it out.  BUT i can do yoga and stretches now, without banging myself on furniture or trying to squeeze in.   I use this desk.  I didn't know if i would, or if it would just be storage for crap.  But i use it for work and for crafting.  Now that i know i use it, and how, i'm thinking about adding a search to facebook marketplace for something more sturdy with more room to spread out.  I'd love for it to stretch ...

 I have an account on Our Time that i continuously forget about.  I don't pay, will never pay - but once in a while i check if i've gone into my email and seen i've gotten a message.  I don't always go into my personal email......so....not real good on keeping up. Last week, i was talking to two men from site.  One asked me out on Monday for Thursday (last week) and then i heard nothing from him until the time we were supposed to meet at 6pm that he was there.  I didn't stand him up.  I responded.  Next. The other man i was talking to sends a few texts a day, not too much conversation- and then at night longer more real conversations.  I almost blocked him (okay yes, i've started blocking like the rest of the world) when he said he "was gonna" ask me out for this Thursday BUT (there's my block finger moving) he has dentist appointment and it probably won't be good. First, i'm so glad he followed that up with a valid reason.  I hate the ...