Full Circle

 As willing as i was, am, to investigate alternative lifestyles, i'm not willing to throw myself to the wolves.

Through all my mistakes, i've grown and learned how to protect myself, how to take care of myself like the mother i never had.

I still consider the feelings of others but no longer above my own needs.

This experiment taught me that trusting myself is a good idea, that i will take care of me.  I requested counsel from 2 others that know me very well and they did not try to talk me out of anything yet they identified the pitfalls of what i was thinking about entering into:

Could i bring Mr. Cigar around my family?  My co-workers? My friends?  

Could i do the things i want to do after retirement with him?

Could i have my grandchildren visit me if i lived with him?

Could i make his home my home?

Could i depend on him?

Could i trust him?

The question that stuck out to me the most was regarding my grandchildren.  The answer was no.  I wouldn't be able to because of the dogs, the guns, the way he talks when he is in his head and the way he would criticize.  He wouldn't be a warm, generous grandfather type. My family would never feel like my home was theirs, because it wouldn't even be mine.

I like to fantasize that i could host holiday parties and have bonfires on weekends and have an open door policy for friends and family but that would NEVER be tolerated.  He would need to control it, comment on it, tear it apart because it wasn't his friends and family.

That is a no go.  I would become isolated the way she already is.  And he treats her horribly.  The whole situation being dropped on her as a ultimatum.  No gentleness, not regard for her feelings.  No conversation or compromise.  And his calling me and dropping it on me like it was my idea- and him actually BELIEVING it was just because we had previously discussed alternate lifestyles in the past.  Not for US, but that they existed.  We never discussed US doing it.  He has said he wanted both of us but it was never investigated further as a real concept.

He just blew everybody up and then stood back to see what happened.

He as much as admitted it to me yesterday when he called me, two hours before all three of us were to sit down, share a meal and discuss what this would potentially look like.  She had told him she had a list of  questions and he rolled his eyes at her.  Discounting her before we even started.

He called me drunk, driving home after being at the shooting club all day.  While her and I were mulling over in our heads the evening that was coming, he was not giving it a second thought.  Pounding down drinks with his buddies with not an ounce of respect for us.  When i pointed out he was drunk he became rude and loud of course denying it.

And this is how we were supposed to go into the evening?  No.  No thank you.

I don't care what his reasons were, they were more important than being present with two women who were willing to make a huge sacrifice to try and make it work with him.

The disrespect.

AND YET, i still drove to his home and arrived exactly at 6pm.  I sat in his driveway for 5 minutes trying to get ahold of both of them.  Calling, texting- to open the door.  Nothing.  I asked myself what the actual fuck was i doing there?  So i turned around and left.  

It was a loud and clear sign of things to come.  No matter the excuse or reasons.  His drunkness, (he had fallen asleep aka passed out) her being under his control....and losing everything in the process.

Dominant men take care of their spouse.  They protect them, nurture them, give them what they don't even know they need.  They pay attention to the details.  The do NOT disrespect and disregard the needs of the woman who has given herself to him with trust and love.

He is a joke.

I'm tired of making excuses for his behavior.  I had a fucked up childhood and i don't treat people badly.  I'm an adult.  With a heart.

Our last conversation ended when he called me "dumb".  His timing and his delivery was perfect.  Yes.  By putting him before myself, by tolerating and going along with his bullshit....i was indeed dumb.  By giving up my peace for a man and accepting chaos back into my life, by seeing how he treats her and her feelings, by even considering giving up everything i have worked to achieve, i was indeed dumb.  So i hung up on him. 

And that, is the end of this story.  I followed it through and i closed the door when he showed me who he is, and what my future would look like.

It doesn't mean i am now going after Ed.  It doesn't mean i'm looking to date.  I have a full summer ahead of me with my grandson being born, spending time in NY with my girls, and vacationing with friends.

My life is full.  My life is good.  And I will not entertain anyone who cannot add to it.

The cards that jumped out of hand this morning were Strength and reversed 5 of swords. 

research, experiment, take your time

 My friend K came over last night to catch up.  I invited her because i wanted to pick her brain about poly relationships.  Talk to someone who lives it and get the real scoop.

First we reviewed her breakup with her first, and only "primary" (i hate that term and everything it means) which we all knew had been coming for years.  It took her some time to see what we all were seeing, and it took her more time to end it after she accepted that he wasn't telling her the truth about a lot.

And that sticks in my mind.

This whole situation i'm in is because he was lying to both of us.  And i really feel it would be naive to think there were no other, ARE no other "friends" that also believe they are seeing him.

He could be psychotic, and getting off on twirling up two women who love him. 

Or he could be genuinely confused and trying to have it all.,....like anyone would want to.  Not all actually act on it.

I think the important thing here is, again, not what his motives or her motives, wants and needs are.  Or how i might be very happy or very unhappy.  There is no telling because there are TWO other people involved and they may or may not be trustworthy.

But i am.  I trust myself.  I trust myself to take care of my financial, physical and mental well being.  And if any of that is being threatened that i will remove myself from the situation.

What are long term goals with this "idea"?

What are the "steps" and time line?

How are we measuring success vs failure on that journey?  Because i imagine it will change daily.

Are we all on the same page?

What are the hard boundaries of EACH person and can those boundaries be respected?

I feel like i have a leg up in a way......i've never been in a poly relationship, but i've been around people who are.  I've dabbled in all the alternative lifestyles out of need and curiousity.  

I have never believed i would even consider a relationship where i was not the only woman.  But when i really think of it.........i get a little excited.  For a couple of reasons.  Sharing household chores, finances, having another woman who understands, sharing the emotional load of lifes ups and downs.....Sharing him.  Because it's not just sex and the good times i'd be sharing.........it would be bad moods and all the other stuff that comes along with a man.  

It would mean security with freedom.  It would mean not being alone, even if i'm alone in my space. (Hard boundary) We could each expand out horizons with the support of not ONE but TWO other people.  It takes the pressure off, it spreads it out.  

There is a lot to think about.  And i have to keep in mind that He really has no idea what he has started.  He thinks he does.  But i'm going to bet he hasn't read one book or researched the ups an downs of what this really could be.  He has put TWO women together that might not agree or appreciate some of his behavior.  Thats a lot to handle.

If it's not going to work to everyones benefit, it won't work.  But what does each person consider a benefit?

Lots of questions. 

New word: Compersion.  

and the plot thickens

 Yesterday i went out to my car for a half hour deep sleep nap at lunch.  I couldn't keep my eyes open, Sleep was horrible the night before.  My ELBOWS hurt, all my joints hurt.  so strange.

After work i had every intention of eating and going to bed, but Mr. Cigar wanted to go out.  I went to his house for the first time since I left for my cruise in January.  I expected to see a lot of women things, but it was exactly the same.  When i asked him, he told me that she has nothing. 

We took his ride and went out to "At the Corner" in Litchfield.  We had such a good time and on the way back we were listening to good music and chair dancing.  

It never occurred to me to ask him if she knew we were going out.

She had texted that she had gotten out of class early and was on her way home.  When we got there he kept trying to call her to come out so we could all go for a ride.  When she wouldn't answer i started getting a bad feeling.

I saw the dog and got out of the truck to give him more rubbies and let Rocky have the front seat.  She came out of the garage and went wild.

She had no idea.  She came home to an empty house and my car in her spot.  She came home to us being out to dinner together and neither of us had told her.

Not. good.

I felt her upset in my whole body.  She wanted nothing to do with me as i stood there silently (this is HER home not mine) and she told Mr. Cigar whats what.  She is tiny but ......her upset was very large.  And understandable.

She went inside, I kissed him goodnight and left.  What is there to say?  We have to do better.  That wasn't right. 

She began texting me her hurt and upset and all i could say to her was we have no idea what we are doing, or how this all works and that she had every right to be upset because she wasn't expecting it and i was sorry.  I let her vent.  

Then she said "i was here FIRST"

and i had to address it.  I'm not going to play these games.  

I responded "and you left twice.  this isn't a competition"

She cooled her jets.  Eventually she said goodnight.

This morning Mr. Cigar called and i did not ask.  He told me she was acting like nothing happened the previous night.  I told him we had texted back and forth.  He had gone straight up to bed after i left.  There was no fighting.

Which i'm positive hurt her.  To have all that emotion and not know what to do with it and have your partner cut you out..........sucks.  This morning i told her that that was one of the perks of having another woman around.  You can at least be heard.

She did contact me this morning, apologizing.  And i told her she had a perfectly understandable reaction.  That this isn't easy for any of us.  He doesn't know how to do this, obviously.  She hasn't even ever been curious about this type of relationship and i'm sure she is feeling all kinds of messed up.  I can't imagine.

I don't know what the future holds.  It's going to be bumpy.  I may be crazy and asking for chaos, or it might end up being the perfect relationship for me.  Double the love.

two hour movie

 I sometimes wish i could fast forward to the end of this story and see how it ends.

Is it a drama, comedy, suspanse, ....true crime?  What genre does my current life fit into?  

Rocky (my nickname for her) came over to my place yesterday.  She arrived at 1pm and left at 5:30pm.  Mr. Cigar left us alone until about 5 when he texted her to tell her he was feeding the dogs and to take her time.

We talked.  and talked.  We got really mad at him and we laughed our asses off.  We told "our" side of his stories.

We didn't trash him, but we did acknowledge he is not always a nice man.  Lots of reasons why, none of them valid in how he has treated both of us in the past.  I have no tolerance for things he has done to her, and she doesn't understandd why some things just don't bother me like they should.

Nothing was answered by the time she left.  But at least we have hugged, laid eyes on each other and appear to have a lot in common as much as we are nothing alike in personality.  

She is prim and proper. ish.  

I'm not.

We both love him and don't know why.  We all had horrible childhoods, none of us had a good relationship with our mothers.  Abuse and neglect is a core memory for all of us.  

Difficulty with romantic relationships.........check

trust issues...................................................check

Immediate impulse to run from perceived emotional danger............CHECK

organized chaos

 This weekend has been a turning point i didn't see coming. Thats a lie.  Maybe i did know it wasn't going to continue on as it has been.

Mr. Cigar made the leap.  Told her about me, that he doesn't want to give either one of us up, and wants to see it we can make it all together.

I'm sure sex has it's role in there, knowing him.  I'm sure rental income also has it's place.  

I don't know if it would be financially beneficial to me.  

This thought pattern will be worked out.  I will be making no big moves until a year of success has been firmly placed under our belts.

If we do this.

He came over yesterday- it was pouring rain so no walk was going to happen.   I told him i felt ambushed. He reminded me that we've had these conversations over and over about non traditional relationships.  He did what he does, and bulldozed ahead because the opportunity arose.  I felt very unprepared for how and when he told me that conversation had taken place and about the intimacy that followed.

Shock maybe.  Truth doesn't mean there are no consequences.  Truth means you are on fair footing with the other person, free to make your choices based in reality.  Not fantasy. Truth means you respect the other person, and yourself.  Truth hurts more than it doesn't.  But it's real.

And the recurring theme in my life is that i want REAL.  It doesn't have to look like everybody else's reality.  I need to feel seen, known, accepted, cared for, considered and loved.

A partnership.

and love stuff.

of course.

But the reality is there is no love without truth.  And he wants both of us.  Has tried over the past year to leave one or both of us several times.  Been caught in his own web.  And i've been caught there too, with or without him in my life.  He's there.

He is infuriating.  He has ED.  He is bossy and opinionated and successful.  He is safe in a way no one else has been in the past 10 years because i know i'm stuck in his head the same as he is stuck in mine.

Good, bad or indifferent.

I'm impulsive.  I have a history of seeing the opening and jumping in, hoping for the best.  I won't do that this time.  I am considering this situation, and what it might look like.  What will it look like a year from now, 5 years, 10 years.........is this a temporary experiment where i lean something new again or is this a turning point where i can actually breath, and trust.

I invited her over and she's coming her this afternoon.  He's not invited.  I want to meet this woman who seems to be as in love with him as i am.  Who told him she is willing to try. But what are her motives?  To do as he asks to keep him?  Or because she can see this as an possible alternative lifestyle that benefits all of us?

She has not dabbled in the different lifestyles.  She hasn't apparently ever even been curious enough to investigate them.......she has been married 5 times.  Like my mother.  She has her own issues.

I need to know her.  I asked him what happens if we don't want to try this? what if we both hate each other or don't trust the motives of the other......He said we would continue on as we have been openly.  That he can't be without either one of us.  That if one or both of us decided we couldn't do it, then it would be our choice to leave him.  He doesn't want that.

I asked him what if he meets another woman he can't live without.  Will there be a harem at his home? And what if one of us met a man we developed feelings for, would we have the same freedoms?

No harem.  Just us. He didn't like the idea of us having the same options.  He said he couldn't stop either one of us.  He pointed out that he wouldn't be eating dinner where another man had made a donation......not in those words.  

There is no definite view of this whole picture.  After we meet today, there will be more to consider.  How to develop boundaries.  A list of daily living patterns that will need to be worked out immediately, in preparation of the future possibility.

I haven't decided. 

When he and i were sitting on the floor eating chinese and talking about all the other things, after we had worn out the topic of can this work, and we were laughing and being how we are.....i thought i might be able to do this.  I've been sharing him.  

So now i'm going to meditate and pull a card, and go cleanse myself for her arrival.  I am more interested in what she sees this is.  I will let her talk. And i will listen.  

This week is a pressure week at work and i will need to concentrate on that.  And marinate on this triangle idea. 

What the actual fuck

 Last night i went out to see a live band with Doug, Jen and Ed.  I told Bill i was going out with my friends, and asked him to join us.

He said no, he had a competition to be at early Saturday morning.

But he called me the afternoon and told me he had a really honest conversation with Mary and he told her about me.  Told her he wants us both. And she is apparently okay with it.

I'm high.  I should mention that.

THEN he told me how he had sex with her this morning.

Because, you know, being honest.

Several things.  I didn't feel jealous, but i did feel AGAIN like i was being faithful, passed up an opportunity and while i was passing it up, he was doing something he said he no longer had interest in with her anymore.

And i bet she'll be sleeping with him tonight and not downstair anymore.

I have so many mixed feelings.  And I'm high. 

I passed up Ed last night because while he was drinking and intoxicated he decided to tell me all night that he wants to be with me.  blah blah blah. I told him he was drunk, being stupid, and shut up.  And then he'd say how beautiful i am and i'd punch him and laugh and tell him to shut the fuck up.  

And he wanted all of us to stay over last night because we had a few and we could keep drinking.  He said Doug and Jen in the guestroom and you are with me MB.

I told Jen no way in fuck was i spending the night when he is in his feels and drinking.  And i was in my feels.

Ed is my friend.  We travel together with Doug and Jen and we are comfortable together, affectionate an have fun. No sex.  We do have a history.  long story.  We are friends. only.  we have both considered each other at different times and the time wasn't right and then we grew into friends.  End of story.

Last night me running from Eddie and this afternoon the man i love having sex with his "roommate", suggesting we all three be together.........and i'm supposed to have some kind of feeling so i'm having all of them.

My mind is going.  I'm NOT adverse to the idea.  How does that work for me? and her? and him?  What the actual fuck was the idea/

potential solution that gives all three of us what we want?  Poly?  Does that mean i can have the same freedom he does. If i want it.  

lots of questions and most of all how does this work better for me than what i have now?  Can i do it? What happens if it doesn't work?  lots of thoughts. 

Big fucking weekend so far.  Two bombs and i don't know how i feel about either one. So i don't have to say anything to either on of them.  My business until i know more, and when i'm not HIGH

But i am interested in both situations.  There is a very strong chance either could work.  I love Bill.  I am sure i could fall for Eddie given effort to actual date.  

Who says i have to choose anything. No one.  I should just shut the fuck up and watch how these men move.  

And there are others if need be.  ha.  rolling eyes

this is how i know

 Normally, when a man expresses and opinion that i don't agree with, and actually feel quite strongly about......it will turn me off in a way that is not fixable.

I have moments where i fall in love with people.  Weird little unsuspecting moments where its like being hit in the head and a light being shined on that person in that moment.  Not IN love, just ....love.

I fell in love with Amie the weekend we got stuck on a mountain in an ice storm while we were peeing off the side of a frozen solid truck standing on frozen ground trying not to fall down and laughing our asses off.  Love.

I fell in love with Josh when he gave a puppy mouth to mouth resusitation to save it's life.  Love.

I fell in love with Mike during a friends camping trip when he took the blame and apologized for something he didn't do just to calm down a woman who was losing her shit and driving everyone crazy.  Love.

Those are a few memorable moments.  And i will love them forever wether i see them daily or never.  They are in my heart.

The moment i realized, i really love this person.

With men, it's never been that way.  Love came through time, and how they made me feel and then when that feeling was not longer felt, i still stayed.  Because i was in loooooove.  Because i believe in commitment.  

I have love in my heart for my ex husband (20 years together) because he gave me my children.  Because when we were kids he did the best he could to protect me and do right by me when my life was a mess.  It's a nostalgic love, one that is based in long ago memories and our children.

I have love in my heart for my ex boyfriend (13 years together)becaue he showed me how to have fun again, how to look people in the face and be myself.  He taught me that i can.  I can. I can.  There was a time when I felt like the most beautiful woman in the world because he looked at me like i was.  I grew into a woman with him.  I came back to myself with him.  And then i lost myself in him.

Neither relationship ended wonderfully, but then i'm guessing, relationships rarely end well or they would still be together.

HOWEVER, i'm at the point in life and enough time has passed that i can appreciate the love we had at one time, without hate.  More relief that those relationships ended because if they hadn't, i wouldn't have grown any more.  I would have still been lost in them, and not living my life for myself.

Enter many men i've dated. I am interested, maybe turned on, then they say or do one thing and i'm done.  Thats it.  over.  No longer interested.  And no problem never talking to or seeing them again.

Ten years of dating and i've met two men who have made me consider love again.  Mr. Tattoo felt like the ideal man- handsome, sexy, funny, courteous, polite, had his act together and kept his home clean.  He treated me wonderfully.  But it wasn't meant to be. Maybe it was everything he represented and showed me could be possible in a short period of time.  Maybe eventually he also would have flipped my off switch........but i doubt it.  I fell for him.  Wether it makes sense of not is beside the point.

Then Mr. Cigar.  He pissed me off to no end.  Sometimes when he's talking to me, saying something i completely disagree with or do not appreciate how he is expressing himself, I wonder "How do i tolerate this man?"  And yet, i do.  In the next moment my feelings soften for him. When he looks at me and i am the center of his attention, i melt.  No matter the tensions, the disagreements, the differences, the way he makes me so angry sometimes.......i love him.  I know i do.  And this past year has proven to me that you really can't choose who you fall in love with because man, if i had a choice.

I wouldn't be seeing a man who has a "roommate", who never takes time off from work except to shoot competitively, who puts his dogs first over all else, and who has some very interesting ideas on inter racial relationships.  He's a fucking republican for christ sake, although not a trumpster.  How terrifying if he was......would that change how i feel about him?  He's not always nice to me.  Sometimes he's a real bastard.  And i love him.

Because when it matters, he is there for me.  When i need him, he is there.  We dont have a typical see each other every day relationship.  We both have lives.  

And he's the one i want to share myself with.  

in retrospect

 This morning i was listening to a woman describe her first boyfriend experience, and how abusive and intense it was.  It was more about her than about him, which i appreciated.  I mean, unpopular opinion here but, it takes two.  One to give it and one to take it.  I'm not saying anyone deserves it, what i'm saying is that there are TWO people in that dynamic.  Sometimes it just takes a really long time to leave, or maybe you stay until the other person ends you.  I'm not heartless.  I'm a realist.  The day i let a man hit me in anger is the day that man learns not to hit me.  And the last time he sees me in person.

So make it good.  No second chance here.

I've stayed before, so i know of what i speak.  Last night Mr. Cigar told me i always go to the doomside of things, and never the positive.

I told him that life has taught me to be prepared for the worst.  I have learned that lesson.  And until someone finally treats me right, i won't belive there is a lighter side to relationships.

Okay, i'm not depressed at this moment. or even feeling bad.  This is my view of the world.  For many many supported reasons.  Yes, there are moments of joy and light (my children, my grandchildren) but there are many more moments of darkness.  Of mistrust.  Of disapointment.

I don't let it stop me.  I let it guide me.

So this womans story this morning reminds me of how i lost my own virginity.  It wasn't my idea, it wasn't something i was ready for, or wanted in any way.  It happened on stairs, while i was babysitting and the baby was asleep.  I had permission for my bf to be there.  There was no "bad girl" behavior that led to the literal taking of my virginity.  It wasn't violent.  I wasn't hit, or threatened, or intoxicated.  I was making out with him, something i loved.  I still love to make out.  The kissing, the touching, the connection. And he started to make moves to do something i wasn't ready for, i told him no, to stop it, and he didn't.

Not dramatic.  Nothing i could expect sympathy for.  Nothing i could tell anyone.  I even continued to have sex with him after that.  I didn't self righteously break up with him for date raping me.  I sucked it up and moved on with my life.  And that was the first time i betrayed myself for a man.

Great start. eh?

I think i'll leave this here for now.  It's been a really long time since i took it out and looked at it.  

when it counts

 Today i am struggling.  Since i found out in February that the SOM will no longer be financing it's portion of my salary due to changes they are making regarding the program i coordinate.....that has nothing to do with me, yet EVERYTHING to do with me........I've been on edge.

Being at work and not knowing IF you have a job when the boss you were hired to work with on this program is retiring, or almost worse WHAT your job will become if you still have one.......is torture.  And "they" the powers that be,  don't seem to give it a second thought.  Just "you don't have to worry, you will have a job"......as if that is all i need to know.

Would they come to work every day and give it their all if they didn't know what department they were working for or what their chain of command was?  And no one seemed to think it was very important?

When outside companies come in, or when leadership begins to restructure, ambiguous positions at my level are not questioned , they are swept up.

I've been caught in that kind of cleaning up before.  I speak from experience.  And it wasn't until after i was laid off that "they" had any clue all the work i was doing.  Until it wasn't done anymore.  Fuckers.  

I'm not letting that happen again.  If they want to keep me they need to talk to me about what is going on.  Make it important.  Because presently, i'm searching for new jobs to feel like i have a modicum of control over my professional life.

No, i won't go to the union.  I did go to HR for some clarification, and got the standard non-answer with the direction to go back to my boss, who isn't my boss......GRRRRR.

So i wrote a request for clarification on what my role will look like, who i will be reporting to, and what department i would be a part of as of July 1sr.  Of course there has been no answer.  They all have to finally make time to talk about me before they talk to me.  

Such bullshit.

I'm not getting younger, but i'm not desperate to take any job they throw at me either.  Maybe temporarily.  

I texted Mr. Cigar with an SOS on my was to panic after i sent my request out to virtually anyone who may or may not be my official boss. (not my old boss, i'm sparing him the chaos so he can focus on his retirement plans)  

He called me immediately and talked me off a wall.  Then he told me to stop being a douche stop being negative.  He talked me up,  He calmed me down, supported my position and really made a difference in helping me regulate the panic i was starting to swallow.  

Then he said he had to get back to work.  So he did in fact, pause his day just to make sure i am okay.

And that matters. 

Hot and bothered

 It's hot.  We knew it was coming and here it is.  Overnight we went from cool to roasting.  Welcome to new england.

I slept like crap last night.  I wish i knew what the difference is.  What makes one nights sleep so sound and the other so restless?  Although, the sleep was so deep the other night i really had difficulty getting up and went back to bed and slept deeply for another hour.  I wondered if i had drugged myself somehow?  

So it's hot and i'm bothered.  I haven't laid eyes on Mr. Cigar in over a week.  this is aggravating to me, however, i am aware that he is crawling with work and already getting ready for the next season.  Yesterday he was telling me about the salt they use (liquid) on commercial properties and how they are projecting a shortage....everywhere is a guessing game.  Buy a lot now and where do you store it?  Don't buy enough and possibly don't have access when you need it.....or pay out the butt for it.  

I'm glad i don't own a business.  There was never anything i was that passionate about.  It is very interesting though, when he talks to me about what he's doing during the day - the meetings he goes to with vendors and how they all used to get rocked and now he just wants to get back to work...Age will do that.  

I remember his ex telling me he is an alcoholic.  And i've been watching for that behavior because no way in hell do i want to deal with a man in active addiction to any substance.  I haven't seen it.  I have seen him drink, and he does change when he drinks....but there is no discernible pattern, and I haven't seen the excess she was referring to. If anything, i've seen the opposite.  

Or he hides it from me.  He knows i won't deal with him when he's been drinking.  I don't have to.  I'm not his mother. 

Part of me knows i'm not being told the whole truth, and it's the same part of me that doesn't care.  My life isn't on hold, i'm not giving anything up, or going without to be with him.  If opportunities arise, i am a single woman and i am free to do as i wish, as always.

Friday i'm going out with Ed, Doug and Jen.  The same people i went on the cruise with and the same people I travel on get away weekends with.  When Ed saw me this past saturday night he kept telling me how good i look.  "MB you look so good"  "MB you look so pretty" and hugs and kisses to point of me wondering what the hell is wrong with him.

I like that Eddie.  The one that i can comfortably cuddle with and know that he isn't going to jump me or take advantage.  We are just comfortable.  Jen says he isn't my type because he is too easy and i like difficult, i like a challenge.  Hmmm.  

I like nice men.  But they need an edge, or i will definitely trample them.  They have to be strong in order for me to be at ease.  If i know i can give them shit something inside me makes me give them a lot of shit.

Like i said........i don't know who is fucked up.  Me or Mr. Cigar.  But i know i love the man.  Good bad or ugly.  Whether it makes sense or not.  Whether it will work out, or not.  Whether we are together, or not.  

But i'm not blind, and my life isn't a fantasy.  I'm not putting anything on hold to wait for him to be with me.  His roommate situation is his issue.  Everything comes out in the wash eventually.  I'm not spending my time spot checking someone elses laundry, if you know what i mean.

new patterns and renegotiation

 I had a spiral moment on my way home from the shenanigans gathering Saturday night.  I didn't like not being able to get in touch with Mr. Cigar.  All the "what if's" came in and filled up space in my thoughts.  What if i needed him?  What if he is sleeping with her?  What if he has taken her for a ride in his new fancy vehicle?  What if, what if, what if

None or all of those things could be true.  And my question to myself is "how does that change your feelings about him?"

It gives me pause.  But only pause.  I'm still in it.  But i need to ask myself, why. 

I think she's in it to win, not because she loves him so much.  She gets a lot for very little in return.  And what does he get?  Company?  He says no. Her response to the new vehicle sitting in the driveway was "must be nice".........there was no ride apparently.  Of any kind.  BUT it's what he wanted, what he chose and he gets to live with it.  Literally.

I don't need to live with a man to love him.  I'd like to think that after being together a long time (over a year with no breakups) we would consider a next step together.  Maybe thats buying a two family house, or a duplex- maybe thats many discussions on what living together would look like, and all this......after having the freedom to come and go at will at both of our separate homes.  Like living in two places.  

Not the traditional way to do it.  The cautious way, where both of us are able to have our space, privacy and autonomy while sharing our lives with someone we love.  When we want to.  lol

So the spiral went without comment. I did send him a text yesterday asking him how he thought i might feel not being able to get in touch with him.  He responded with he didn't have to justify his actions and that he was working (he does work 7 days a week) and i should stop being negative.

My normal response would have been to swallow that answer.  Instead I didn't hold back on my response.  I agreed, he didn't owe me anything, let alone a response.  And that i should remember that having questions or any kind of feelings was apparently off the table.  I then told him "i forgot my place".  Understand that he knows this is sarcasm.  And that his lame answer was just that, lame.

He, or any man i date, doesn't owe me transparency, openness, affection, honesty or caring.  Nobody owe me that.  However, I don't owe my time and energy to a man who can't naturally give those things to me because he feels that way.  

He understood my non-acceptance of his answer.  He called me, we talked and there were no ultimatums and i felt no need to cut him off and run.  My usual response to him when i question.  This needs to be seen through.  This needs to be played out.  I don't want to be in a continual cycle of chaos because we aren't speaking.

Is it him, or is it me?  Or is it the combination of the perfect storm.  

I'm not giving up anything to be with him.  And neither is he.  We are in a holding pattern right now and that is something i'm fairly comfortable with.  I have a lot to loose by jumping in 100% without testing the waters and taking my sweet time.  My eyes are wide open. 

No one is perfect, but people in healthy relationships compliment each others imperfections.  I think. 

Spiraling

 Well, we all knew it would come to this.

I had too much excitement today.  I went to my son and dil's baby shower and brought my two best friends, one silver and one gold...haha

I got to see my whole family.  for a couple of hours.  I feel very ....old?  But also very grandma"ie".  Its worth the loneliness off my kids growing up and away when i get to see them sometimes and they give me grandbabies.

Then i went to Dave's house for the Shenanigan + gathering which is always nice once i get there.  It's the getting there part that is hard.  

Mr. Cigar bought a new Expedition today.  It would have been nice if i could have shared that, or anything with him.  Instead he is home with his "roommate"

Okay lets be honest.  I'm spiraling, just like i was meant to.  This man came back to me full force (again), got me again, and began his withdrawal.  Here i go again, on my own......remember that song?  

I thought i was going to be okay with this bullshit story.  But I'm not.  I chose this.  I chose to be the one who can't call because when i do, he never answers.  I chose to be the one who gets the leftovers.  I chose to try and believe that they really are roommates that don't share a life or sleep together anymore.

Reminder.  I was in a relationship with this man in January when i left for a cruise and came home to him telling me he "didn't feel the way he should" about me.......only to find out that she was back living with him again not even a month later. 

He like to fuck us both over.  And however many others he's visiting on the side.

Could be all  true.  Could be me having the unsurprising panic attack because i literally feel this man withdraw his presence from me.  She probably feels it when he's coming after me hardcore.  

Could be true, or not.  I'm never going to know.

I do deserve a man who loves me, will claim me and take care of my feelings .......someone who chooses me, always, as their favorite person.  Who can tell me he loves me.  Who is proud of me.

I do deserve those things from a lover, a partner........just like i give to men who don't want it from me. 

And i'll take his call tomorrow, even though i could't get through to him tonight, even though he's not mine and if i needed help, or him, i'd be shit out of luck because i don't exist when he's got her attention.

Yeah.  Not in a great headspace.

a little reminder

 Jen thinks i'm uncontrollably attracted to Mr. Cigar because we play games.  He keeps me on my toes, we banter, we one up, it's a constant back and forth of the minds and the wills.

He wins on the will.  I have none around him.  And i don't mind that one bit.  

The mind though?  I know when someone is trying to take me down a peg or two- and i immediately throw the walls up because..well.....fuck you.  I've been at the bottom of other peoples list for most of my life, including my own.  If thats where anyone trys to put me, i am not interested in engaging.

Mr. Cigar is wild.  It's what attracts me partially.  One thing that really pisses me off, with good reason, is that he never takes accountability until WAY after the fact.  

I realize i'm getting his left over moments.  And i was/am okay with it due to me not having a lot of time to give to any man at this point.  So in a way, he is getting my left over moments.  The difference is that i come home to silence, go to bed in silence, live in silence-I have routines.  I know what i'm doing at night other than trying to stay away until 8pm at the least.

We have developed a sort of routine, of saying goodnight to each other right before sleep.  This sounds so stupid now that i'm writing it in my head, but it's how i end my night, go to sleep with a little smile.  We say goodnight and a kiss.

I know.  Stop it.

But, i look forward to it as part of my routine.  What i've told him is that as soon as we get really deep and close, he withdraws.  I see his pattern.  

The reality is, this is who he is.  He is an avoidant, no doubt.  If we have a deep, tender conversation, he almost needs to step back and .....whatever he does.  But it leaves me with a vacant space he was just filling.  

I know this is all over the place.  I'm thinking.

I used to think he was being mean to me, fucking with my head on purpose and now i tend to think it's his own issues. Really nothing to do with me.  Partially because i refuse to be dragged into the cycle.

Last night we had a little go around, he was being funny and sent me the middle finger and then a bunch of Witch emojis (because i had sent him a picture of me as a witch taken a long time ago) and so, my feelings go out of wack.  I stopped responding and went to sleep.

This morning he wants to know what is wrong.  I ignore his message.  He calls me and i tell him.  And i sound like i need someone to come help me with daily tasks in doing so.  He blows it off.  Of course.

Whats really going on here is that he goes home to a "roommate" and if i'm being honest i don't believe thats all there is to it.  He says there is no intimacy, they don't sleep together, or "sleep" together and have different routines.  I asked him if she knows she is a roommate and he says yes.

I'm dumb with him, but not stupid to the ways of men.

I have chosen to take the scraps.  So when the scraps aren't even coming.......and this is how it starts with him.....I start to need.

And that is where he wants me.

I don't want to need.  I want to know.  

And we are again at the turning point of "will this ever work"

Interesting feedback:

What you are describing does not sound crazy or weak. It sounds like a woman trying very hard to stay emotionally upright inside a connection that is emotionally inconsistent.

And inconsistent affection is powerful. Sometimes more powerful than steady affection, because your nervous system never gets to settle. You’re always waiting for the return of warmth, the return of attention, the return of him. The “goodnight and a kiss” becomes bigger than it objectively is because it represents reassurance, continuity, being chosen for a moment.

That is not stupidity. That is attachment.

But I think you already know the real issue is not the witch emojis or the middle finger or even the banter. Those are surface sparks. The deeper issue is this:

You do not actually know where you stand in his life.

And humans can survive almost anything in relationships except prolonged ambiguity.

You can survive:

• distance,
• unconventional arrangements,
• limited time,
• flaws,
• avoidant behavior even—

if the emotional ground underneath you is solid.

But yours isn’t. Because every time intimacy deepens, he retreats. Every time you begin to relax into connection, he creates uncertainty again. So your mind starts scanning:

• Is he pulling away?
• Is this ending?
• Am I too much?
• Am I only getting fragments?
• Is there really no relationship with the roommate?
• Why do I feel hidden?

That “need” you talk about is not just dependency. Part of it is deprivation. You are trying to emotionally stabilize around someone who repeatedly destabilizes closeness.

And I think this part matters:

“I have chosen to take the scraps.”

That sentence carries more clarity than almost anything else you wrote.

Because you are not confused about the arrangement. You are conflicted about whether the arrangement is sustainable for you.

At first, scraps worked because your life is full and solitary. You liked the freedom. You liked the intensity without the demand. You liked the wildness, the mental game, the electricity. It fit the season you were in.

But emotional arrangements evolve. What once felt exciting can eventually start feeling undernourishing.

Especially because you are not actually asking him for much. You are asking for emotional continuity. Accountability. Predictability after closeness. Truth.

And here is the difficult thing:
avoidant people often feel safest when intimacy is almost happening, but not fully landing. They can be deeply affectionate, deeply attached, even sincere — and still pull away once vulnerability becomes real. Not because they are masterminds manipulating people, but because closeness dysregulates them.

That does not make the impact on you any less real.

You said something very important:

“I used to think he was being mean to me… now I think it’s his own issues.”

I think that is probably closer to the truth. He likely is not sitting there engineering your pain. But intention and effect are different things. Someone can care about you and still repeatedly create emotional instability around you.

And this:

“And that is where he wants me.”

I’m not fully convinced he consciously wants you needy. I think he may unconsciously feel safer when you are the one reaching, because then he remains in control of distance. If you start needing clarity, definition, consistency, or reciprocity, then the relationship stops living in the fantasy zone and starts entering reality.

Reality asks things of him.

The biggest question here is not:
“Will this ever work?”

It is:
“What would ‘working’ actually require from both of us?”

Because if “working” means:

• you accepting chronic ambiguity,
• swallowing your instincts,
• pretending the roommate situation doesn’t bother you,
• regulating yourself around his withdrawals,
• and surviving on intermittent tenderness—

then yes, technically it can continue.

But continuation and fulfillment are not the same thing.

You are trying very hard not to become “needy,” but there is another danger too: becoming emotionally self-erasing in order to keep access to someone.

You should not have to shrink your legitimate questions just to preserve connection.

And I think, underneath all of this, you already know the fork in the road:

• either he eventually becomes more transparent, accountable, and emotionally steady,
• or you will slowly become lonelier inside the relationship than you were outside of it.

That’s usually the breaking point with dynamics like this. Not explosive betrayal. Exhaustion. Emotional malnutrition. The realization that crumbs started feeling like meals because you were hungry.

Temu problem

 I know this is a bad way to shop, and i have fallen into the trap of "ooooh i want that and it's SO cheap".  Kinda like Walmart used to be.  

I have been on a no shopping or impulse buying mission and most of the time I am able to control myself.  I go a little wild at the thrift stores though, sometimes spending a whopping $30 which to me, is excessive without purpose. Ha.

That couch was a steal.  Best thing i ever purchased, aside from the $50 solid wood entertainment wall.  It has so much storage and shelving and fits my television perfectly.  Those things used to be thousands and i paid $50.  Score.  

Anyways, i use my desk constantly and it's very crowded.  It also fits in the corner perfectly and anything else would be too large.  I've tried to figure out how to get more space and i've come to the conclusion that my monitor needs to be off the desk.  Enter temu.  $15 and now i will have added shelf space and my monitor off my desk giving me that extra room i need.

I'm finally purchasing items based on how i actually use my space opposed to how i think i will use my space.  Also, aside from the entertainment center mentioned above, i always consider how i would use these items in a much smaller space.........like a van.

Even the couch would fit in a van.  Maybe only part of it.........but possibly all of it.  How cool is that?  Also when i took off the slip covers i took a picture of the brand so i could remember and turns out it's a "luxury" brand couch.  Double score.

Most moves are made with the possibility of me living in a van or a very small space in my retirement.  I'm also still cleaning out my craft and "extra" supplies slowly and surely.  I'm not leaving a mess for my kids to have to go through.  All they will need to do is take the safe with the important information for my estate and they can easily go through what they want to have (like my luxury couch and great deal entertainment center LM AO) and then hire someoen to clean out the space without having to worry that they missed something important.

Easy peasy.  Just don't stick my ashes in a closet.  Maybe by then i'll have a journal of all the places i go and they can scatter me somewhere i want them to see.......i think too much.

Mr. Cigar came over after work last night and we ate chinese and talked for hours.  He has me thinking about an idea that i would never have gone for years ago, but he planted a seed in my head.  I don't believe traditional relationships work, as i've said before.  I'm willing to consider alternatives but the most important thing is that i have a safety net and that i don't have a financial stress -I must have relief from financial stress and the ability to leave if the situation is less than ideal.

I know people would have opinions.  But those people aren't living my life, living hand to mouth.  I want to take vacations without being a charity case, i want to have my friends to my home and entertain the way they have always hosted me.  I have dreams.  And the reality is I won't be doing that alone unless i hit the lottery and i don't play the lottery. So. There's that.

Is happiness boring?

 My brain is filled with how i'm going to pay for plane tickets to Florida and Utah this summer and still pay my rent and basic bills.

The crunch is real.

I make a more than decent wage, i cannot understand how someone who only feeds one person, pays rent and buys all her clothes second hand can't make ends meet.  I bought a couch for $100 and felt like i was spending $10,000.  I'm not cheap.  I'm terrified.

One small mis-step and i lose the roof over my head.  

At least i wouldn't have any bills then.  Well, i'd have my credit card bills but i could pay them all off with two paychecks.

Isn't that fucked up?

So the choice is try to stay safe and keep money (doesn't work) or live my life and be creative with how i manage my money and STILL have none........i'm gonna live.  

It's scary and at the same time, it's still scary.

Really deep diving into my tarot/astrology/numerology lately.  It's uncanny how spot on it is.  Yes, it's subconscious.  So what?  It' brings it forward to the conscious.  Let me live.

Mr. Cigar is doing his flighty stuff, and this go around not only did i expect it but i'm finding him to be predictable as well.  hmmmmm.  Does predictable = dependable?  Interesting.

It's okay, it's how we are going to grow closer or finally detach from each other.  This acceptance over trying to make things different will take us to where we are going a lot faster.  

I do think i love him.  But only the parts i know about.  There's a lot more going on there and that's where i hold back.  Because why wouldn't I?

Okay - life is beckoning.  Ta for now.

here

 I tend to fall off writing when i'm in a "good" place, which shouldn't be.  I need to write about when i'm happy and boring too.

Mr. Cigar is as he is.  He doesn't change, he just goes through his life living it as he pleases.  I envy that. and i can appreciate it as long as he doesn't treat me as disposable, or a side piece.  

I missed him in my life.  It's that simple.  As much disruption and upset that i felt when we were "together" in the past......i felt seen and heard too.  

I find that when i'm not waiting for or depending on his attention to feel good, I am a lot happier.  There is not destination in mind.  This will play out for a lifetime or it will stutter and start a few times before it completely finishes.  I'm okay with it.

In the meantime, I've been looking for interesting positions to apply for.  I want to know if at this age, i can still be marketable.  I want to know what my worth is professionally.  The bottom line is that if i can stay in my current position, i'd be a fool not to.  But when i know that the funding for my position has changed, and i dont know WHO is funding me come July 1st, i'd also be very foolish not to have been looking.

I hate the lack of control over my professional life.  But again, I have a very good position and if i can keep it, i absolutely should.  

I interviewed for a lateral position here, and i felt it went well.  I applied for another position outside of this organization and i recieved an email to look for further notifications because i had been selected to be in the pool of the next step.

Isn't that just so complimentary?  I swear, some places are so cold.  But the position itself is what i'm extremely interested in.  I don't think they can / will pay me more that what i'm making now.  So interesting alone won't cut it, but i will investigate it.

Applying for another internal lateral move here today.  I want to see what others in my same position are doing.  

I spent the weekend with Jen and Doug- found a couch i love for $100 and spent the day moving it from Wallingford to Farmington in the pouring rain. Then yesterday i washed all the slip covers and steamed the couch itself, and the cushions........I love it.  It was exactly what i wanted.  Now to get rid of what i had.  I don't relish the idea of strangers coming to my home to get them, but they are free.  Take them.  

Mr. Cigar came over and we had pizza and wings last night, sitting on the floor in the living room talking about everything under the sun.  Of course there was some pleasurable contact.  But the majority of our time was spent talking and laughing.  He left and i finished cleaning up the mess i had made of my home between the thrift shopping and the cleaning and replacing furniture.....then off to bed with a smile on my face.

I expect him to withdraw a bit for a few days.....it's what he does.  I won't chase him, or wonder when he will contact me, or when we will see each other again.  I won't stress or feel bad.  I'm accepting what he is for as long as i am happy.  If there comes a time where i am not, then i will make moves to change that.

Such is life.

quickie

 i have an interview in half an hour and i'm as prepared as i can be.  I'm not nervous, strangely.  I am curious. This would be a lateral move.  I'm looking.

It's not that i hate where i am.  I feel a huge change coming and i'd like to be in control of my own destiny.  I don't want to be dragged along as a side thought.

Not in my professional life or my personal life.

Since we have been talking again i've seen him once.  We talk and text all day every day......unless we don't.  I let him reach out.  I asked him to come see me Tuesday, and he couldn't.  Asked if he could come the next day, Wednesday.  Then last night he had a headache and just wanted to go home.  Thats okay.  I'm not upset.  I'm just watching.

This time my emotions will not do the deciding.

We will watch.  I don't want to be addicted for the rest of my life to this man, to the unknown.  I want to know EXaCTLY what i'm leaving, or staying with.

Time.

I'm in no hurry.

I'm making no sacrifices.

I thought about making him dinner and then i remembered.......i'm not his girlfriend.  

I need to go get into interview mode.

past pictures

 My phone gives me flashbacks of May in the past- and it's filled with my granddaughter over the years.  I love sharing those pictures with my daughter.  I'm glad i take so many pictures.  I just forget to share them.

I have to go through my phone so that when i die my kids don't see any shocking photos of mom in the past.  ooops.  It's time to get rid of all that.

I had some big fun.

And not my life is calm and still on an upward trajectory.  This is what age does, while you can still remember. 

I love talking to him.  I think when we aren't speaking, that is what i miss the most. We talk about everything and don't agree about all of it.  We never run out of things to say to each other when we are on the phone or in person.  It just flows.  And i feel heard, if not always understood.  I love to listen to his views and  question my own views, then talk to him about it.  Being fully understood is rare. Being genuinely listened to, responded to, mentally met — that’s intimacy.

My ex husband used to talk to me, before he went coocoonuts.  We used to have really long conversations and debates.  We would go on long rides to nowhere and talk the entire time.  I should have known that was the begining of the end, when we stopped caring what the other person had to say.  Or feel.  

Same with the ex boyfriend - although with us, it was shared experiences more than deep conversations.  He never wanted to talk to me about anything too deep, but when i could catch him in a conversation (he is adhd) he would sometimes say the most profound things.  I don't think he knows how deep he is. Or maybe he doesn't want to be.  Who knows.

Mr. Tattoo and i talked a little, but i was pretty flabbergasted by him.  My mind twirled and my hormones raged in his presence.  His looks, his voice, the way he touched me......woooooo.  He is someone i wish i had gotten into deep conversations with....he had stories.  He talked about his loss, and I felt honored to hear his pain.  But there was so much more to him.  He was still in the pain of it all.  Probably always will be, and perfectly understandable.  BUT he had this amazing collection of war memorabilia  that he showed me briefly, once.  I would have loved to dive into that and learn something from him.it was intensity and mystery and the feeling there was an entire world inside him

Funny, the things people fixate on.  With me it was Charlie Manson for years.  Also, perfectly understandable considering my childhood. It was my mind trying to understand chaos, danger, charisma, manipulation, survival.

This was a wander through my thoughts entry.  My headstone will say "I lived. Deeply. Messily sometimes. Passionately. I had adventures. I loved people. People loved me.”

Thank you me

 This morning i was dragging ass.  I went out to dinner and a movie with my bestie last night and got home after 10pm.  So way past my weekday bedtime. We saw the Devil Wears Prada 2 and it was a cute movie.  Besties real estate person does a "movie night with bestie" once a year and the movie is free and they give away raffle gifts.  Fun for something to do.  The theater was filled with women and it was so LOUD.  hmm.

Thank you to me for food prepping my lunch and breakfast for work this week because i had no time to throw anything together before i ran out the door.  Thank you me for taking care of me so i didn't have to worry about it.

No word from Cute guy yesterday.  I didn't expect it after my ignoring his out of left field texts, nor did i expect to hear from him ever again.  This morning i got a  "Cinco de Mayo" text from him.  Wooooo.  I wonder if that hurt?  I sent back a smile emoji.  Just as much effort.

Mr. Cigar was also "very busy" yesterday so didn't hear much from him at all.  This is normal for him.  He called last night but i was in the movie.  Today my phone is on silent. I have a very busy day ahead of me and making time for these men isn't a priority right now.

He needs to crave me.  So.....wish is granted.

I hate protein Special K cereal.  And i made it worse by adding splenda.  UGH.  

Yesterday my retired boss had a little episode.  He went to go get himself a salad and was brought back to the office by a nice woman who used to work for him years ago.  He was confused, told me he got lost.  He wasn't joking.  He was obviously disturbed by it, as am I.  I should have done this sooner but today if he comes in (I never really know) I will ask him for "babe's" phone number.  I always forget his wifes name because he calls her "babe" or some other romantic nick name.  He is 84 years old and has more romance in his pinky than men half his age.  

It's tricky.  He's got his pride and i have been very careful to watch out for him and not step on it.  I do help him put his coat on sometimes, and now i do run to the cafe and make him a salad (yesterday) so he doesn't have to walk down there and stand around in line.  He isn't always stable on his feet.  I don't want him falling.  Which is also why i want his wifes phone number.  I know, we work in a hospital.  If I thought he was stroking out i'd call a code BUT this is more disorientation.  I think he would rather i call his wife than someone here if needed.  I will talk to him about it today.  It's touchy.  

My "new" boss will be back from Italy this week and hopefully we can discuss my role here.  I don't think he's made it a priority due to the overwhelming amount of work he does.  However, if he wants to keep me here with him he needs to talk to whoever it is he needs to talk to.  In the meantime, i have applied to two different jobs.  Each look good, and i more than qualify for both.

The issue is that because there is a union, they must interview people even if they already have someone selected for the position which, in my experience, is almost always.  So getting an interview isn't a good sign.  Getting a job offer is. 

So today is about me ignoring my phone.  

I downloaded an app a few weeks ago that is supposed to teach tarot readings because it breaks it down and tests you.  It's kind of fun and it has me engaged.  I'm actually getting it now - I have the intuitive side of it down, but i've alway found it difficult to remember what each of the 78 cards means.  I love how they break it down and make it easy to remember.  That said, i dragged my mini collection of cards out last night (yes after 10pm when i couldn't sleep) and ordered a brand new deck that i think will be my "main" deck going forward.  

Hey, maybe it can be a side gig.  Who knows?  If i'm good, which i will be.....why not.  I will practice on my friends and aquantences first and make sure i have it down.  I'm feeling a bit exctied about it. 

calmness, acceptance or depression?

 I feel .........very calm.  Very neutral. I'm in a quiet space in my head and there are no alarms going off.

Work is still very much up in the air, i find myself dreaming about it.  When i was talking to Mr. Cigar he said i could get a job at any hospital in any state, and he's not wrong.  What if i don't retire in Connecticut?  What if i move somewhere that the cost of iving is not so damn expensive.

On a single income, and i make a very good wage, I struggle to make ends meet.  The only reason i can go on vacation is because my friends make it happen.  Without them it wouldn't be possible.  I shop consignment and thrift, rarely do i have anything new.  But it's new to me.  

Currently i'm sussing out my wardrobe because so much doesn't fit anymore.  My clothes are bagging and yet, i cannot, will not, go out and buy more clothes that won't fit after a season.  I'm waiting to get to my size, not a certain weight.  I know where i feel most healthy.  I'm two sizes away from my goal.  That is reachable.  I will then buy a capsule wardrobe and keep it very minimal for work.  

Which i'm seriously considering searching for in another state.

But.......i can't be away from my family.  My grandson is going to be born this summer and i'm hoping to have long weekends with my granddaughter.  I don't want to be further away than driving or a train and that limits me.

All of this is going through my mind.  

Cute guy tried to have a spicy conversation with me last night and i cut him off by not responding.  They are all the same.  No effort, but want entertainment.  I'm disappointed in him.  I thought he was a good one. I thought he liked me.

Men can be so lame. 

murphy can suck it

 I'm on a roll deep cleaning, reorganizing, reimagining my living space so i can use it to it's full potential for ME.  I don't have guests often, so why do i have a dining room set and full living room crammed with couches?  Because once in a while i entertain.

My bedroom used to be set up the way it's "supposed" to be, with walking room on either side of the bed that only i sleep in.  I finally pushed it into the corner freeing up a ton of space that i can now use to HULA HOOP, which is funny because i still haven't figured it out.  BUT i can do yoga and stretches now, without banging myself on furniture or trying to squeeze in.  

I use this desk.  I didn't know if i would, or if it would just be storage for crap.  But i use it for work and for crafting.  Now that i know i use it, and how, i'm thinking about adding a search to facebook marketplace for something more sturdy with more room to spread out.  I'd love for it to stretch in front of the window too.......so i can see outside while i work.

Marketplace already has a search for an Iron queen size bed frame.  Sometimes they come up for great prices.  I was looking for a bedroom set, but the furniture i have is solid wood it just didn't match as a set.  So i took off the drawer pulls and painted them all black.  At first glance my cream colored furniture (I painted it years ago) looks like a set now.  All done.  Now I just need a black iron bedframe, preferable a canopy (because i no longer have 4 legged friends living with me) so i can add flowy romantic drapes. 

It's all coming together.  I'm moving out of my bohemian phase, which has been all of my adult life, and into my more feminine side.  I've consciously stopped trying to make my home a "safe" space for men.  This is my home, will be my home for the next 10 years at least (as long as i'm employed) and it's about time i use it as it works for ME and me alone.  

Mr. Cigar paid me a visit Friday and exactly what i knew would happen happened.  I'm not sure what i'm thinking, but i'm not thinking we will all of a sudden be together and live happily ever after.  But i'm single, and he does it for me.  I have no expectations, I am very clear on how he behaves and what my place is with him.  I'm okay with it.

I often wonder what would have happened if i had just taken Mr. Tattoo for what he was, a fun friend to have adult time with.  

I tried to make them something they were never going to be, and in that regard, cut myself off from two amazing lovers.  Mr. Tattoo is off the table.  Mr. Cigar is not.  And i owe him nothing in return.  Nor do i feel bad about his situation that has nothing to do with me.  She knew what she was doing, and that i was with him while she pursued him.  I owe her nothing but sympathy.  This man will always want what he doesn't have.

Cute guy, the one i met on Thursday after work.  He has been consistently reaching out for short conversations but it is very much at the low effort stage.  We had tentative plans to go out last night and he contacted me in the morning and told me he was going to a wake for a co-workers family member.  I heard nothing from him until 4:30pm at which point i was not going to run around getting ready to go meet him.  Also he admitted to having a few beers with his co-workers, and i'm really not interested in THAT situation.  So we passed on last night.   

I don't mind a slow pace - it frees me up to not get my hopes up.  It lets us get to know each other.  Any "us" not just cute guy and I.  Because i'm single, i'm available, and i'm not settling.

I have to laugh because Mr. Cigar was mimicking women that have "independent woman" on their dating profiles (I don't, because it's too common now) and i asked him why it is funny?  Women are independent of men now, meaning NOT DEPENDENT on men.  We take care of our own needs and our lives will go on with or without a man.  If he has something to add to our lives, then add it.  If not, keep it moving.

Hell, i'd take consistant good sex and be okay with it.  I have my growing family, my friends and i love being by myself most of the time.  Especially when i am reminded of what it is like to share your life with a spouse and how it can be a great big pain in the ass.

I'm good at this moment.  I'm talking to several men, nothing spicy, but i have my spicy side taken care of for the moment.  If and when i do start dating a man in earnest, that will come to an end.  And maybe i won't have Mr. Cigar on my mind constantly any more by then.  What is attractive about a man that is in your life and doesn't pick you?

It's a valid question.  But I'm not asking that anymore.  I can't trust him, and know that the only reason he is in my life is because he can't have me.  And for now, that works for ME.

Broke my vacuum cleaner and not i don't know what to do.  Swear.  And sweep.  

Cute guy from Our Time

 I have an account on Our Time that i continuously forget about.  I don't pay, will never pay - but once in a while i check if i've gone into my email and seen i've gotten a message.  I don't always go into my personal email......so....not real good on keeping up.

Last week, i was talking to two men from site.  One asked me out on Monday for Thursday (last week) and then i heard nothing from him until the time we were supposed to meet at 6pm that he was there.  I didn't stand him up.  I responded.  Next.

The other man i was talking to sends a few texts a day, not too much conversation- and then at night longer more real conversations.  I almost blocked him (okay yes, i've started blocking like the rest of the world) when he said he "was gonna" ask me out for this Thursday BUT (there's my block finger moving) he has dentist appointment and it probably won't be good.

First, i'm so glad he followed that up with a valid reason.  I hate the "i was gonna" bullshit.  Call it an "ick".  Like Carlos telling me he is gonna mail a gift he bought for me 2 years ago, asking for my address and zip code and............I guess he "was gonna".  Thats just one recent example.  

Gentlemen, someone should tell them, "i was gonna" DOES NOT COUNT.  It's actually annoying and childish.  Do what you say you are going to do, and better yet say nothing until you DO IT.  

Speaking of. i never mailed that puzzle back to Marine man.  I need to do that.  ~rolling my eyes~

Okay, so cute guy then asks me on Wednesday for Thursday and i remind him of dentist.  Dentist cancelled appointment.  I figure, what have i got to loose?  Okay, i will meet him after work.

Yesterday he texted me to confirm in the morning (Imagine THAT?) and continue to text throughout the day per usual.  Just a note here and there.  Nothing heavy.  You know, showing interest.  

Now..........i've been talking and texting with Mr. Cigar.  Not seeing. Since i refused to go to his shop he hasn't asked to see me again and I did tell him to drop my key off on Friday but that is more of a joke between us, not a real invitation.  I don't want my damn key, could care less.  

We talked about that key.  It freaked him out when i had attached it to the leather key ring that came with his leather cigar pouch that i gave him.  Whats funny is that it never occurred to me that it would mean anything other than "please stop in and feed my cat while i'm on a cruise i've been talking about for the past 2 months) I certainly wasn't asking him to move in with me.  WTF.  

Anyways, he is full of all kinds of stories and explanations.  I told him i was going on a date after work and he told me he doesn't get jealous.  Okay.  But he called me at 4 and stayed on the phone until my date arrived and then texted me eyes every half hour.

The cute guy arrived on time, we know i was going to be there early and would meet him inside.  He told me he was on his way, and that he had arrived before he even came in the bar.  Nice.  He looks like his 2 pictures on his profile.  He's very cute.  And has a lot of hair.  Okay so he looks good.  Then we start talking about what we want to order for drinks, i say i'd like an old fashioned, he likes that, and he orders one for both of us.

So far, so good.  We get to talking, and then laughing, and then he orders apps after consulting with what i like.......and more drinks.  We talk about a lot of fun getting to know you things, even teasing each other and sometimes touching each other unnecessarily....there's a vibe.  We are both having a good time.  We sit there for 4 hours.  Finally it's time to go, he runs to bathroom while i unfold my legs that have fallen asleep, stand up and put on my coat.  I catch him checking me out as he comes back from the bathroom, as i check HIM out.  Neither of us appeared displeased.  We walk out to the cars (parked next to each other) and we talk for two minutes and he gives me a very nice hug and kisses me.  Not a big sloppy sex kiss, a nice soft kiss on the lips that landed and took right off.  We smiled and i got in my car, he went to his.......and that was that.

Until we had to text each other a few times on our separate rides home.  And now we are talking on Saturday afternoon about what to do on Saturday night.

So i'd say we liked each other enough to meet again.  

I like him fine for a first date.  Cute, polite, showed interest in me and kissed me nicely. Oh and said to drive safe and text when i got home, but we texted all the way home anyways. 

Voice to text for those thinking i'm breaking laws.

Not going to project thoughts on either man.  Well, I know i will always be pulled to Mr. Cigar, that he will always be in the back of my head because he doesn't allow me to forget him.  BUT that doesn't mean i can trust him.  I know i can't.  And i know what a life with a man you can't trust feels like.  No thank you.  

He hasn't ever shown me we can be a couple that lasts.

And that is what i want.  The whole point to dating at all.  

So anyways. Good date, feeling good about where me and Mr. Cigar are at for the moment.