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What the actual fuck

 Last night i went out to see a live band with Doug, Jen and Ed.  I told Bill i was going out with my friends, and asked him to join us.

He said no, he had a competition to be at early Saturday morning.

But he called me the afternoon and told me he had a really honest conversation with Mary and he told her about me.  Told her he wants us both. And she is apparently okay with it.

I'm high.  I should mention that.

THEN he told me how he had sex with her this morning.

Because, you know, being honest.

Several things.  I didn't feel jealous, but i did feel AGAIN like i was being faithful, passed up an opportunity and while i was passing it up, he was doing something he said he no longer had interest in with her anymore.

And i bet she'll be sleeping with him tonight and not downstair anymore.

I have so many mixed feelings.  And I'm high. 

I passed up Ed last night because while he was drinking and intoxicated he decided to tell me all night that he wants to be with me.  blah blah blah. I told him he was drunk, being stupid, and shut up.  And then he'd say how beautiful i am and i'd punch him and laugh and tell him to shut the fuck up.  

And he wanted all of us to stay over last night because we had a few and we could keep drinking.  He said Doug and Jen in the guestroom and you are with me MB.

I told Jen no way in fuck was i spending the night when he is in his feels and drinking.  And i was in my feels.

Ed is my friend.  We travel together with Doug and Jen and we are comfortable together, affectionate an have fun. No sex.  We do have a history.  long story.  We are friends. only.  we have both considered each other at different times and the time wasn't right and then we grew into friends.  End of story.

Last night me running from Eddie and this afternoon the man i love having sex with his "roommate", suggesting we all three be together.........and i'm supposed to have some kind of feeling so i'm having all of them.

My mind is going.  I'm NOT adverse to the idea.  How does that work for me? and her? and him?  What the actual fuck was the idea/

potential solution that gives all three of us what we want?  Poly?  Does that mean i can have the same freedom he does. If i want it.  

lots of questions and most of all how does this work better for me than what i have now?  Can i do it? What happens if it doesn't work?  lots of thoughts. 

Big fucking weekend so far.  Two bombs and i don't know how i feel about either one. So i don't have to say anything to either on of them.  My business until i know more, and when i'm not HIGH

But i am interested in both situations.  There is a very strong chance either could work.  I love Bill.  I am sure i could fall for Eddie given effort to actual date.  

Who says i have to choose anything. No one.  I should just shut the fuck up and watch how these men move.  

And there are others if need be.  ha.  rolling eyes

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