My friend K came over last night to catch up. I invited her because i wanted to pick her brain about poly relationships. Talk to someone who lives it and get the real scoop.
First we reviewed her breakup with her first, and only "primary" (i hate that term and everything it means) which we all knew had been coming for years. It took her some time to see what we all were seeing, and it took her more time to end it after she accepted that he wasn't telling her the truth about a lot.
And that sticks in my mind.
This whole situation i'm in is because he was lying to both of us. And i really feel it would be naive to think there were no other, ARE no other "friends" that also believe they are seeing him.
He could be psychotic, and getting off on twirling up two women who love him.
Or he could be genuinely confused and trying to have it all.,....like anyone would want to. Not all actually act on it.
I think the important thing here is, again, not what his motives or her motives, wants and needs are. Or how i might be very happy or very unhappy. There is no telling because there are TWO other people involved and they may or may not be trustworthy.
But i am. I trust myself. I trust myself to take care of my financial, physical and mental well being. And if any of that is being threatened that i will remove myself from the situation.
What are long term goals with this "idea"?
What are the "steps" and time line?
How are we measuring success vs failure on that journey? Because i imagine it will change daily.
Are we all on the same page?
What are the hard boundaries of EACH person and can those boundaries be respected?
I feel like i have a leg up in a way......i've never been in a poly relationship, but i've been around people who are. I've dabbled in all the alternative lifestyles out of need and curiousity.
I have never believed i would even consider a relationship where i was not the only woman. But when i really think of it.........i get a little excited. For a couple of reasons. Sharing household chores, finances, having another woman who understands, sharing the emotional load of lifes ups and downs.....Sharing him. Because it's not just sex and the good times i'd be sharing.........it would be bad moods and all the other stuff that comes along with a man.
It would mean security with freedom. It would mean not being alone, even if i'm alone in my space. (Hard boundary) We could each expand out horizons with the support of not ONE but TWO other people. It takes the pressure off, it spreads it out.
There is a lot to think about. And i have to keep in mind that He really has no idea what he has started. He thinks he does. But i'm going to bet he hasn't read one book or researched the ups an downs of what this really could be. He has put TWO women together that might not agree or appreciate some of his behavior. Thats a lot to handle.
If it's not going to work to everyones benefit, it won't work. But what does each person consider a benefit?
Lots of questions.
New word: Compersion.
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