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new patterns and renegotiation

 I had a spiral moment on my way home from the shenanigans gathering Saturday night.  I didn't like not being able to get in touch with Mr. Cigar.  All the "what if's" came in and filled up space in my thoughts.  What if i needed him?  What if he is sleeping with her?  What if he has taken her for a ride in his new fancy vehicle?  What if, what if, what if

None or all of those things could be true.  And my question to myself is "how does that change your feelings about him?"

It gives me pause.  But only pause.  I'm still in it.  But i need to ask myself, why. 

I think she's in it to win, not because she loves him so much.  She gets a lot for very little in return.  And what does he get?  Company?  He says no. Her response to the new vehicle sitting in the driveway was "must be nice".........there was no ride apparently.  Of any kind.  BUT it's what he wanted, what he chose and he gets to live with it.  Literally.

I don't need to live with a man to love him.  I'd like to think that after being together a long time (over a year with no breakups) we would consider a next step together.  Maybe thats buying a two family house, or a duplex- maybe thats many discussions on what living together would look like, and all this......after having the freedom to come and go at will at both of our separate homes.  Like living in two places.  

Not the traditional way to do it.  The cautious way, where both of us are able to have our space, privacy and autonomy while sharing our lives with someone we love.  When we want to.  lol

So the spiral went without comment. I did send him a text yesterday asking him how he thought i might feel not being able to get in touch with him.  He responded with he didn't have to justify his actions and that he was working (he does work 7 days a week) and i should stop being negative.

My normal response would have been to swallow that answer.  Instead I didn't hold back on my response.  I agreed, he didn't owe me anything, let alone a response.  And that i should remember that having questions or any kind of feelings was apparently off the table.  I then told him "i forgot my place".  Understand that he knows this is sarcasm.  And that his lame answer was just that, lame.

He, or any man i date, doesn't owe me transparency, openness, affection, honesty or caring.  Nobody owe me that.  However, I don't owe my time and energy to a man who can't naturally give those things to me because he feels that way.  

He understood my non-acceptance of his answer.  He called me, we talked and there were no ultimatums and i felt no need to cut him off and run.  My usual response to him when i question.  This needs to be seen through.  This needs to be played out.  I don't want to be in a continual cycle of chaos because we aren't speaking.

Is it him, or is it me?  Or is it the combination of the perfect storm.  

I'm not giving up anything to be with him.  And neither is he.  We are in a holding pattern right now and that is something i'm fairly comfortable with.  I have a lot to loose by jumping in 100% without testing the waters and taking my sweet time.  My eyes are wide open. 

No one is perfect, but people in healthy relationships compliment each others imperfections.  I think. 

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