past pictures

 My phone gives me flashbacks of May in the past- and it's filled with my granddaughter over the years.  I love sharing those pictures with my daughter.  I'm glad i take so many pictures.  I just forget to share them.

I have to go through my phone so that when i die my kids don't see any shocking photos of mom in the past.  ooops.  It's time to get rid of all that.

I had some big fun.

And not my life is calm and still on an upward trajectory.  This is what age does, while you can still remember. 

I love talking to him.  I think when we aren't speaking, that is what i miss the most. We talk about everything and don't agree about all of it.  We never run out of things to say to each other when we are on the phone or in person.  It just flows.  And i feel heard, if not always understood.  I love to listen to his views and  question my own views, then talk to him about it.  Being fully understood is rare. Being genuinely listened to, responded to, mentally met — that’s intimacy.

My ex husband used to talk to me, before he went coocoonuts.  We used to have really long conversations and debates.  We would go on long rides to nowhere and talk the entire time.  I should have known that was the begining of the end, when we stopped caring what the other person had to say.  Or feel.  

Same with the ex boyfriend - although with us, it was shared experiences more than deep conversations.  He never wanted to talk to me about anything too deep, but when i could catch him in a conversation (he is adhd) he would sometimes say the most profound things.  I don't think he knows how deep he is. Or maybe he doesn't want to be.  Who knows.

Mr. Tattoo and i talked a little, but i was pretty flabbergasted by him.  My mind twirled and my hormones raged in his presence.  His looks, his voice, the way he touched me......woooooo.  He is someone i wish i had gotten into deep conversations with....he had stories.  He talked about his loss, and I felt honored to hear his pain.  But there was so much more to him.  He was still in the pain of it all.  Probably always will be, and perfectly understandable.  BUT he had this amazing collection of war memorabilia  that he showed me briefly, once.  I would have loved to dive into that and learn something from him.it was intensity and mystery and the feeling there was an entire world inside him

Funny, the things people fixate on.  With me it was Charlie Manson for years.  Also, perfectly understandable considering my childhood. It was my mind trying to understand chaos, danger, charisma, manipulation, survival.

This was a wander through my thoughts entry.  My headstone will say "I lived. Deeply. Messily sometimes. Passionately. I had adventures. I loved people. People loved me.”