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in retrospect

 This morning i was listening to a woman describe her first boyfriend experience, and how abusive and intense it was.  It was more about her than about him, which i appreciated.  I mean, unpopular opinion here but, it takes two.  One to give it and one to take it.  I'm not saying anyone deserves it, what i'm saying is that there are TWO people in that dynamic.  Sometimes it just takes a really long time to leave, or maybe you stay until the other person ends you.  I'm not heartless.  I'm a realist.  The day i let a man hit me in anger is the day that man learns not to hit me.  And the last time he sees me in person.

So make it good.  No second chance here.

I've stayed before, so i know of what i speak.  Last night Mr. Cigar told me i always go to the doomside of things, and never the positive.

I told him that life has taught me to be prepared for the worst.  I have learned that lesson.  And until someone finally treats me right, i won't belive there is a lighter side to relationships.

Okay, i'm not depressed at this moment. or even feeling bad.  This is my view of the world.  For many many supported reasons.  Yes, there are moments of joy and light (my children, my grandchildren) but there are many more moments of darkness.  Of mistrust.  Of disapointment.

I don't let it stop me.  I let it guide me.

So this womans story this morning reminds me of how i lost my own virginity.  It wasn't my idea, it wasn't something i was ready for, or wanted in any way.  It happened on stairs, while i was babysitting and the baby was asleep.  I had permission for my bf to be there.  There was no "bad girl" behavior that led to the literal taking of my virginity.  It wasn't violent.  I wasn't hit, or threatened, or intoxicated.  I was making out with him, something i loved.  I still love to make out.  The kissing, the touching, the connection. And he started to make moves to do something i wasn't ready for, i told him no, to stop it, and he didn't.

Not dramatic.  Nothing i could expect sympathy for.  Nothing i could tell anyone.  I even continued to have sex with him after that.  I didn't self righteously break up with him for date raping me.  I sucked it up and moved on with my life.  And that was the first time i betrayed myself for a man.

Great start. eh?

I think i'll leave this here for now.  It's been a really long time since i took it out and looked at it.  

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