here

 I tend to fall off writing when i'm in a "good" place, which shouldn't be.  I need to write about when i'm happy and boring too.

Mr. Cigar is as he is.  He doesn't change, he just goes through his life living it as he pleases.  I envy that. and i can appreciate it as long as he doesn't treat me as disposable, or a side piece.  

I missed him in my life.  It's that simple.  As much disruption and upset that i felt when we were "together" in the past......i felt seen and heard too.  

I find that when i'm not waiting for or depending on his attention to feel good, I am a lot happier.  There is not destination in mind.  This will play out for a lifetime or it will stutter and start a few times before it completely finishes.  I'm okay with it.

In the meantime, I've been looking for interesting positions to apply for.  I want to know if at this age, i can still be marketable.  I want to know what my worth is professionally.  The bottom line is that if i can stay in my current position, i'd be a fool not to.  But when i know that the funding for my position has changed, and i dont know WHO is funding me come July 1st, i'd also be very foolish not to have been looking.

I hate the lack of control over my professional life.  But again, I have a very good position and if i can keep it, i absolutely should.  

I interviewed for a lateral position here, and i felt it went well.  I applied for another position outside of this organization and i recieved an email to look for further notifications because i had been selected to be in the pool of the next step.

Isn't that just so complimentary?  I swear, some places are so cold.  But the position itself is what i'm extremely interested in.  I don't think they can / will pay me more that what i'm making now.  So interesting alone won't cut it, but i will investigate it.

Applying for another internal lateral move here today.  I want to see what others in my same position are doing.  

I spent the weekend with Jen and Doug- found a couch i love for $100 and spent the day moving it from Wallingford to Farmington in the pouring rain. Then yesterday i washed all the slip covers and steamed the couch itself, and the cushions........I love it.  It was exactly what i wanted.  Now to get rid of what i had.  I don't relish the idea of strangers coming to my home to get them, but they are free.  Take them.  

Mr. Cigar came over and we had pizza and wings last night, sitting on the floor in the living room talking about everything under the sun.  Of course there was some pleasurable contact.  But the majority of our time was spent talking and laughing.  He left and i finished cleaning up the mess i had made of my home between the thrift shopping and the cleaning and replacing furniture.....then off to bed with a smile on my face.

I expect him to withdraw a bit for a few days.....it's what he does.  I won't chase him, or wonder when he will contact me, or when we will see each other again.  I won't stress or feel bad.  I'm accepting what he is for as long as i am happy.  If there comes a time where i am not, then i will make moves to change that.

Such is life.