Full Circle

 As willing as i was, am, to investigate alternative lifestyles, i'm not willing to throw myself to the wolves.

Through all my mistakes, i've grown and learned how to protect myself, how to take care of myself like the mother i never had.

I still consider the feelings of others but no longer above my own needs.

This experiment taught me that trusting myself is a good idea, that i will take care of me.  I requested counsel from 2 others that know me very well and they did not try to talk me out of anything yet they identified the pitfalls of what i was thinking about entering into:

Could i bring Mr. Cigar around my family?  My co-workers? My friends?  

Could i do the things i want to do after retirement with him?

Could i have my grandchildren visit me if i lived with him?

Could i make his home my home?

Could i depend on him?

Could i trust him?

The question that stuck out to me the most was regarding my grandchildren.  The answer was no.  I wouldn't be able to because of the dogs, the guns, the way he talks when he is in his head and the way he would criticize.  He wouldn't be a warm, generous grandfather type. My family would never feel like my home was theirs, because it wouldn't even be mine.

I like to fantasize that i could host holiday parties and have bonfires on weekends and have an open door policy for friends and family but that would NEVER be tolerated.  He would need to control it, comment on it, tear it apart because it wasn't his friends and family.

That is a no go.  I would become isolated the way she already is.  And he treats her horribly.  The whole situation being dropped on her as a ultimatum.  No gentleness, not regard for her feelings.  No conversation or compromise.  And his calling me and dropping it on me like it was my idea- and him actually BELIEVING it was just because we had previously discussed alternate lifestyles in the past.  Not for US, but that they existed.  We never discussed US doing it.  He has said he wanted both of us but it was never investigated further as a real concept.

He just blew everybody up and then stood back to see what happened.

He as much as admitted it to me yesterday when he called me, two hours before all three of us were to sit down, share a meal and discuss what this would potentially look like.  She had told him she had a list of  questions and he rolled his eyes at her.  Discounting her before we even started.

He called me drunk, driving home after being at the shooting club all day.  While her and I were mulling over in our heads the evening that was coming, he was not giving it a second thought.  Pounding down drinks with his buddies with not an ounce of respect for us.  When i pointed out he was drunk he became rude and loud of course denying it.

And this is how we were supposed to go into the evening?  No.  No thank you.

I don't care what his reasons were, they were more important than being present with two women who were willing to make a huge sacrifice to try and make it work with him.

The disrespect.

AND YET, i still drove to his home and arrived exactly at 6pm.  I sat in his driveway for 5 minutes trying to get ahold of both of them.  Calling, texting- to open the door.  Nothing.  I asked myself what the actual fuck was i doing there?  So i turned around and left.  

It was a loud and clear sign of things to come.  No matter the excuse or reasons.  His drunkness, (he had fallen asleep aka passed out) her being under his control....and losing everything in the process.

Dominant men take care of their spouse.  They protect them, nurture them, give them what they don't even know they need.  They pay attention to the details.  The do NOT disrespect and disregard the needs of the woman who has given herself to him with trust and love.

He is a joke.

I'm tired of making excuses for his behavior.  I had a fucked up childhood and i don't treat people badly.  I'm an adult.  With a heart.

Our last conversation ended when he called me "dumb".  His timing and his delivery was perfect.  Yes.  By putting him before myself, by tolerating and going along with his bullshit....i was indeed dumb.  By giving up my peace for a man and accepting chaos back into my life, by seeing how he treats her and her feelings, by even considering giving up everything i have worked to achieve, i was indeed dumb.  So i hung up on him. 

And that, is the end of this story.  I followed it through and i closed the door when he showed me who he is, and what my future would look like.

It doesn't mean i am now going after Ed.  It doesn't mean i'm looking to date.  I have a full summer ahead of me with my grandson being born, spending time in NY with my girls, and vacationing with friends.

My life is full.  My life is good.  And I will not entertain anyone who cannot add to it.

The cards that jumped out of hand this morning were Strength and reversed 5 of swords.