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murphy can suck it

 I'm on a roll deep cleaning, reorganizing, reimagining my living space so i can use it to it's full potential for ME.  I don't have guests often, so why do i have a dining room set and full living room crammed with couches?  Because once in a while i entertain.

My bedroom used to be set up the way it's "supposed" to be, with walking room on either side of the bed that only i sleep in.  I finally pushed it into the corner freeing up a ton of space that i can now use to HULA HOOP, which is funny because i still haven't figured it out.  BUT i can do yoga and stretches now, without banging myself on furniture or trying to squeeze in.  

I use this desk.  I didn't know if i would, or if it would just be storage for crap.  But i use it for work and for crafting.  Now that i know i use it, and how, i'm thinking about adding a search to facebook marketplace for something more sturdy with more room to spread out.  I'd love for it to stretch in front of the window too.......so i can see outside while i work.

Marketplace already has a search for an Iron queen size bed frame.  Sometimes they come up for great prices.  I was looking for a bedroom set, but the furniture i have is solid wood it just didn't match as a set.  So i took off the drawer pulls and painted them all black.  At first glance my cream colored furniture (I painted it years ago) looks like a set now.  All done.  Now I just need a black iron bedframe, preferable a canopy (because i no longer have 4 legged friends living with me) so i can add flowy romantic drapes. 

It's all coming together.  I'm moving out of my bohemian phase, which has been all of my adult life, and into my more feminine side.  I've consciously stopped trying to make my home a "safe" space for men.  This is my home, will be my home for the next 10 years at least (as long as i'm employed) and it's about time i use it as it works for ME and me alone.  

Mr. Cigar paid me a visit Friday and exactly what i knew would happen happened.  I'm not sure what i'm thinking, but i'm not thinking we will all of a sudden be together and live happily ever after.  But i'm single, and he does it for me.  I have no expectations, I am very clear on how he behaves and what my place is with him.  I'm okay with it.

I often wonder what would have happened if i had just taken Mr. Tattoo for what he was, a fun friend to have adult time with.  

I tried to make them something they were never going to be, and in that regard, cut myself off from two amazing lovers.  Mr. Tattoo is off the table.  Mr. Cigar is not.  And i owe him nothing in return.  Nor do i feel bad about his situation that has nothing to do with me.  She knew what she was doing, and that i was with him while she pursued him.  I owe her nothing but sympathy.  This man will always want what he doesn't have.

Cute guy, the one i met on Thursday after work.  He has been consistently reaching out for short conversations but it is very much at the low effort stage.  We had tentative plans to go out last night and he contacted me in the morning and told me he was going to a wake for a co-workers family member.  I heard nothing from him until 4:30pm at which point i was not going to run around getting ready to go meet him.  Also he admitted to having a few beers with his co-workers, and i'm really not interested in THAT situation.  So we passed on last night.   

I don't mind a slow pace - it frees me up to not get my hopes up.  It lets us get to know each other.  Any "us" not just cute guy and I.  Because i'm single, i'm available, and i'm not settling.

I have to laugh because Mr. Cigar was mimicking women that have "independent woman" on their dating profiles (I don't, because it's too common now) and i asked him why it is funny?  Women are independent of men now, meaning NOT DEPENDENT on men.  We take care of our own needs and our lives will go on with or without a man.  If he has something to add to our lives, then add it.  If not, keep it moving.

Hell, i'd take consistant good sex and be okay with it.  I have my growing family, my friends and i love being by myself most of the time.  Especially when i am reminded of what it is like to share your life with a spouse and how it can be a great big pain in the ass.

I'm good at this moment.  I'm talking to several men, nothing spicy, but i have my spicy side taken care of for the moment.  If and when i do start dating a man in earnest, that will come to an end.  And maybe i won't have Mr. Cigar on my mind constantly any more by then.  What is attractive about a man that is in your life and doesn't pick you?

It's a valid question.  But I'm not asking that anymore.  I can't trust him, and know that the only reason he is in my life is because he can't have me.  And for now, that works for ME.

Broke my vacuum cleaner and not i don't know what to do.  Swear.  And sweep.  

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