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Spiraling

 Well, we all knew it would come to this.

I had too much excitement today.  I went to my son and dil's baby shower and brought my two best friends, one silver and one gold...haha

I got to see my whole family.  for a couple of hours.  I feel very ....old?  But also very grandma"ie".  Its worth the loneliness off my kids growing up and away when i get to see them sometimes and they give me grandbabies.

Then i went to Dave's house for the Shenanigan + gathering which is always nice once i get there.  It's the getting there part that is hard.  

Mr. Cigar bought a new Expedition today.  It would have been nice if i could have shared that, or anything with him.  Instead he is home with his "roommate"

Okay lets be honest.  I'm spiraling, just like i was meant to.  This man came back to me full force (again), got me again, and began his withdrawal.  Here i go again, on my own......remember that song?  

I thought i was going to be okay with this bullshit story.  But I'm not.  I chose this.  I chose to be the one who can't call because when i do, he never answers.  I chose to be the one who gets the leftovers.  I chose to try and believe that they really are roommates that don't share a life or sleep together anymore.

Reminder.  I was in a relationship with this man in January when i left for a cruise and came home to him telling me he "didn't feel the way he should" about me.......only to find out that she was back living with him again not even a month later. 

He like to fuck us both over.  And however many others he's visiting on the side.

Could be all  true.  Could be me having the unsurprising panic attack because i literally feel this man withdraw his presence from me.  She probably feels it when he's coming after me hardcore.  

Could be true, or not.  I'm never going to know.

I do deserve a man who loves me, will claim me and take care of my feelings .......someone who chooses me, always, as their favorite person.  Who can tell me he loves me.  Who is proud of me.

I do deserve those things from a lover, a partner........just like i give to men who don't want it from me. 

And i'll take his call tomorrow, even though i could't get through to him tonight, even though he's not mine and if i needed help, or him, i'd be shit out of luck because i don't exist when he's got her attention.

Yeah.  Not in a great headspace.



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