Skip to main content

Hot and bothered

 It's hot.  We knew it was coming and here it is.  Overnight we went from cool to roasting.  Welcome to new england.

I slept like crap last night.  I wish i knew what the difference is.  What makes one nights sleep so sound and the other so restless?  Although, the sleep was so deep the other night i really had difficulty getting up and went back to bed and slept deeply for another hour.  I wondered if i had drugged myself somehow?  

So it's hot and i'm bothered.  I haven't laid eyes on Mr. Cigar in over a week.  this is aggravating to me, however, i am aware that he is crawling with work and already getting ready for the next season.  Yesterday he was telling me about the salt they use (liquid) on commercial properties and how they are projecting a shortage....everywhere is a guessing game.  Buy a lot now and where do you store it?  Don't buy enough and possibly don't have access when you need it.....or pay out the butt for it.  

I'm glad i don't own a business.  There was never anything i was that passionate about.  It is very interesting though, when he talks to me about what he's doing during the day - the meetings he goes to with vendors and how they all used to get rocked and now he just wants to get back to work...Age will do that.  

I remember his ex telling me he is an alcoholic.  And i've been watching for that behavior because no way in hell do i want to deal with a man in active addiction to any substance.  I haven't seen it.  I have seen him drink, and he does change when he drinks....but there is no discernible pattern, and I haven't seen the excess she was referring to. If anything, i've seen the opposite.  

Or he hides it from me.  He knows i won't deal with him when he's been drinking.  I don't have to.  I'm not his mother. 

Part of me knows i'm not being told the whole truth, and it's the same part of me that doesn't care.  My life isn't on hold, i'm not giving anything up, or going without to be with him.  If opportunities arise, i am a single woman and i am free to do as i wish, as always.

Friday i'm going out with Ed, Doug and Jen.  The same people i went on the cruise with and the same people I travel on get away weekends with.  When Ed saw me this past saturday night he kept telling me how good i look.  "MB you look so good"  "MB you look so pretty" and hugs and kisses to point of me wondering what the hell is wrong with him.

I like that Eddie.  The one that i can comfortably cuddle with and know that he isn't going to jump me or take advantage.  We are just comfortable.  Jen says he isn't my type because he is too easy and i like difficult, i like a challenge.  Hmmm.  

I like nice men.  But they need an edge, or i will definitely trample them.  They have to be strong in order for me to be at ease.  If i know i can give them shit something inside me makes me give them a lot of shit.

Like i said........i don't know who is fucked up.  Me or Mr. Cigar.  But i know i love the man.  Good bad or ugly.  Whether it makes sense or not.  Whether it will work out, or not.  Whether we are together, or not.  

But i'm not blind, and my life isn't a fantasy.  I'm not putting anything on hold to wait for him to be with me.  His roommate situation is his issue.  Everything comes out in the wash eventually.  I'm not spending my time spot checking someone elses laundry, if you know what i mean.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I love ChatGPT

 I am extremely transparent with my emotions because i do not have the ability to NOT be.  My only option when i'm having any feelings is to talk in a very low, slow, monotone voice and keep my face as blank as i possibly can. Unless they mean something to me. Unless i care about them and how they treat me.  So while i'm perfectly okay with never seeing or hearing from Mr. Cigar again, in light of his true self unveiling, I am overthinking my expression of emotions to him.   I took this little conversation and put it into ChatGPT with no questions or directions and this is what i got back: This exchange captures a painful and emotionally charged moment. Your initial message was heartfelt, vulnerable, and expressed a genuine desire for connection and acknowledgment. His response, while polite on the surface, carried a sharp undercurrent of blame and finality—deflecting accountability and subtly rewriting the narrative as your fault. Ending it with “safe travels ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

Probably wierd and maybe alterier motives

 Me being in daily contact with Mary is probably weird.  I've asked myself multiple times, "why"?  At first the only thing we had in common was Mr. Cigar, and you know what they say "keep your friends close and your enemies closer"  Is that what this is?  I don't want him.  She doesn't want him - won't go into what i know, but i know she is not available to him even though she lives there still.  Not my business to share, but the situation isn't good for either one but he asked for it.   She reaches out more than i do, but i engage with her daily, as i said.  We vent, we talk about future plans, things we want to do, and pretty much support each other.  She is more prim and reserved until she gets mad.  She's a tiny little thing and she is just as confused about her attraction to Mr. Cigar as i am.  I call him the devil.  He turns on the charm and you don't see all the bullshit he's feeding you. I do feel like it's be...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

Koda

 I have never had a puppy.  Miyagi was 2 years old when we found each other.   Koda is a baby. I have barely left the house since his arrival.  My whole world has been about him. And work.  I was approved to work remotely 2 days a week leaving me 4 days at home with him each week. I haven't yet found out what the 3 days alone will be like for him.   In other news...... Mr. Saybrook is back with a vengeance, stalking my social media pages.......asking me to go for a ride along the shore.....trying to bait me.  Another player.  Another womanizer who can't be honest about what he is looking for.  The last i knew he was madly in love (according to facebook) and now......he's after me again.  Not because he wants me.  Because he wants ANYONE.  He was always a flake.  I don't answer him. An interesting development from the past....I used to run a very popular room on KIK during covid.  If it had been a bar, or a r...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »