Skip to main content

Hot and bothered

 It's hot.  We knew it was coming and here it is.  Overnight we went from cool to roasting.  Welcome to new england.

I slept like crap last night.  I wish i knew what the difference is.  What makes one nights sleep so sound and the other so restless?  Although, the sleep was so deep the other night i really had difficulty getting up and went back to bed and slept deeply for another hour.  I wondered if i had drugged myself somehow?  

So it's hot and i'm bothered.  I haven't laid eyes on Mr. Cigar in over a week.  this is aggravating to me, however, i am aware that he is crawling with work and already getting ready for the next season.  Yesterday he was telling me about the salt they use (liquid) on commercial properties and how they are projecting a shortage....everywhere is a guessing game.  Buy a lot now and where do you store it?  Don't buy enough and possibly don't have access when you need it.....or pay out the butt for it.  

I'm glad i don't own a business.  There was never anything i was that passionate about.  It is very interesting though, when he talks to me about what he's doing during the day - the meetings he goes to with vendors and how they all used to get rocked and now he just wants to get back to work...Age will do that.  

I remember his ex telling me he is an alcoholic.  And i've been watching for that behavior because no way in hell do i want to deal with a man in active addiction to any substance.  I haven't seen it.  I have seen him drink, and he does change when he drinks....but there is no discernible pattern, and I haven't seen the excess she was referring to. If anything, i've seen the opposite.  

Or he hides it from me.  He knows i won't deal with him when he's been drinking.  I don't have to.  I'm not his mother. 

Part of me knows i'm not being told the whole truth, and it's the same part of me that doesn't care.  My life isn't on hold, i'm not giving anything up, or going without to be with him.  If opportunities arise, i am a single woman and i am free to do as i wish, as always.

Friday i'm going out with Ed, Doug and Jen.  The same people i went on the cruise with and the same people I travel on get away weekends with.  When Ed saw me this past saturday night he kept telling me how good i look.  "MB you look so good"  "MB you look so pretty" and hugs and kisses to point of me wondering what the hell is wrong with him.

I like that Eddie.  The one that i can comfortably cuddle with and know that he isn't going to jump me or take advantage.  We are just comfortable.  Jen says he isn't my type because he is too easy and i like difficult, i like a challenge.  Hmmm.  

I like nice men.  But they need an edge, or i will definitely trample them.  They have to be strong in order for me to be at ease.  If i know i can give them shit something inside me makes me give them a lot of shit.

Like i said........i don't know who is fucked up.  Me or Mr. Cigar.  But i know i love the man.  Good bad or ugly.  Whether it makes sense or not.  Whether it will work out, or not.  Whether we are together, or not.  

But i'm not blind, and my life isn't a fantasy.  I'm not putting anything on hold to wait for him to be with me.  His roommate situation is his issue.  Everything comes out in the wash eventually.  I'm not spending my time spot checking someone elses laundry, if you know what i mean.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I love ChatGPT

 I am extremely transparent with my emotions because i do not have the ability to NOT be.  My only option when i'm having any feelings is to talk in a very low, slow, monotone voice and keep my face as blank as i possibly can. Unless they mean something to me. Unless i care about them and how they treat me.  So while i'm perfectly okay with never seeing or hearing from Mr. Cigar again, in light of his true self unveiling, I am overthinking my expression of emotions to him.   I took this little conversation and put it into ChatGPT with no questions or directions and this is what i got back: This exchange captures a painful and emotionally charged moment. Your initial message was heartfelt, vulnerable, and expressed a genuine desire for connection and acknowledgment. His response, while polite on the surface, carried a sharp undercurrent of blame and finality—deflecting accountability and subtly rewriting the narrative as your fault. Ending it with “safe travels ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

Same stuff

 Nothing new to report.   I've been managing my anxiety, trying to, at least.  I know when it's kicking up and i know it's temporary.   Still doing physical therapy, walking, stretching, losing weight VERY slowly.  Not so easy to lose it at my age.  But i have an appointment in September to discuss hormone replacement and i think that may help me out with body aches and lethargy. Mr. Cigar is as busy as ever, yet always manages to make me feel important in his life.  It's been only 3 months and that shocks me a little bit.  Feels like it's been so much longer.  The pace is perfect, and it's nice to not have to make power moves with him.   I need to see my kids.  I think about them daily and know they have busy lives.  But i feel disconnected sometimes.  Same with some of my friends.  It's really hard for me to reach out.  To anyone. And i've also been enjoying my "do absolutely nothing" time. ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

Sunday funday

 I stayed in bed until 8am.  Yes, i was scrolling my phone, but still........i was in bed.  Also, i made coffee and brought it BACK to bed.....so yes, technically, i remained in bed until 8am. I have a hard time staying up past 9pm.  And then i can't sleep past 6:30 at the latest.  When did that happen? Yesterday, i was ready for bed by 7pm at the birthday party.   I got to hold, okay, i TOOK the 6 day old premie babie and cradled his little body for a longggg time.  I layed him in my lap so i could see him, and he could strettttttttch his tiny body.  This little boy, normally, would still be baking in the womb.......but here he is, tiny and mighty, in my lap.  His tiny hands, his tiny FEET.  OMG.  New mamma was happy to be with her family and socialize, but new daddy, stayed close.  He talked about all the things CJ does already.......sleep, eat, poop.   He is a very nice young man, very in tune with his sons wh...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »