a little reminder

 Jen thinks i'm uncontrollably attracted to Mr. Cigar because we play games.  He keeps me on my toes, we banter, we one up, it's a constant back and forth of the minds and the wills.

He wins on the will.  I have none around him.  And i don't mind that one bit.  

The mind though?  I know when someone is trying to take me down a peg or two- and i immediately throw the walls up because..well.....fuck you.  I've been at the bottom of other peoples list for most of my life, including my own.  If thats where anyone trys to put me, i am not interested in engaging.

Mr. Cigar is wild.  It's what attracts me partially.  One thing that really pisses me off, with good reason, is that he never takes accountability until WAY after the fact.  

I realize i'm getting his left over moments.  And i was/am okay with it due to me not having a lot of time to give to any man at this point.  So in a way, he is getting my left over moments.  The difference is that i come home to silence, go to bed in silence, live in silence-I have routines.  I know what i'm doing at night other than trying to stay away until 8pm at the least.

We have developed a sort of routine, of saying goodnight to each other right before sleep.  This sounds so stupid now that i'm writing it in my head, but it's how i end my night, go to sleep with a little smile.  We say goodnight and a kiss.

I know.  Stop it.

But, i look forward to it as part of my routine.  What i've told him is that as soon as we get really deep and close, he withdraws.  I see his pattern.  

The reality is, this is who he is.  He is an avoidant, no doubt.  If we have a deep, tender conversation, he almost needs to step back and .....whatever he does.  But it leaves me with a vacant space he was just filling.  

I know this is all over the place.  I'm thinking.

I used to think he was being mean to me, fucking with my head on purpose and now i tend to think it's his own issues. Really nothing to do with me.  Partially because i refuse to be dragged into the cycle.

Last night we had a little go around, he was being funny and sent me the middle finger and then a bunch of Witch emojis (because i had sent him a picture of me as a witch taken a long time ago) and so, my feelings go out of wack.  I stopped responding and went to sleep.

This morning he wants to know what is wrong.  I ignore his message.  He calls me and i tell him.  And i sound like i need someone to come help me with daily tasks in doing so.  He blows it off.  Of course.

Whats really going on here is that he goes home to a "roommate" and if i'm being honest i don't believe thats all there is to it.  He says there is no intimacy, they don't sleep together, or "sleep" together and have different routines.  I asked him if she knows she is a roommate and he says yes.

I'm dumb with him, but not stupid to the ways of men.

I have chosen to take the scraps.  So when the scraps aren't even coming.......and this is how it starts with him.....I start to need.

And that is where he wants me.

I don't want to need.  I want to know.  

And we are again at the turning point of "will this ever work"

Interesting feedback:

What you are describing does not sound crazy or weak. It sounds like a woman trying very hard to stay emotionally upright inside a connection that is emotionally inconsistent.

And inconsistent affection is powerful. Sometimes more powerful than steady affection, because your nervous system never gets to settle. You’re always waiting for the return of warmth, the return of attention, the return of him. The “goodnight and a kiss” becomes bigger than it objectively is because it represents reassurance, continuity, being chosen for a moment.

That is not stupidity. That is attachment.

But I think you already know the real issue is not the witch emojis or the middle finger or even the banter. Those are surface sparks. The deeper issue is this:

You do not actually know where you stand in his life.

And humans can survive almost anything in relationships except prolonged ambiguity.

You can survive:

• distance,
• unconventional arrangements,
• limited time,
• flaws,
• avoidant behavior even—

if the emotional ground underneath you is solid.

But yours isn’t. Because every time intimacy deepens, he retreats. Every time you begin to relax into connection, he creates uncertainty again. So your mind starts scanning:

• Is he pulling away?
• Is this ending?
• Am I too much?
• Am I only getting fragments?
• Is there really no relationship with the roommate?
• Why do I feel hidden?

That “need” you talk about is not just dependency. Part of it is deprivation. You are trying to emotionally stabilize around someone who repeatedly destabilizes closeness.

And I think this part matters:

“I have chosen to take the scraps.”

That sentence carries more clarity than almost anything else you wrote.

Because you are not confused about the arrangement. You are conflicted about whether the arrangement is sustainable for you.

At first, scraps worked because your life is full and solitary. You liked the freedom. You liked the intensity without the demand. You liked the wildness, the mental game, the electricity. It fit the season you were in.

But emotional arrangements evolve. What once felt exciting can eventually start feeling undernourishing.

Especially because you are not actually asking him for much. You are asking for emotional continuity. Accountability. Predictability after closeness. Truth.

And here is the difficult thing:
avoidant people often feel safest when intimacy is almost happening, but not fully landing. They can be deeply affectionate, deeply attached, even sincere — and still pull away once vulnerability becomes real. Not because they are masterminds manipulating people, but because closeness dysregulates them.

That does not make the impact on you any less real.

You said something very important:

“I used to think he was being mean to me… now I think it’s his own issues.”

I think that is probably closer to the truth. He likely is not sitting there engineering your pain. But intention and effect are different things. Someone can care about you and still repeatedly create emotional instability around you.

And this:

“And that is where he wants me.”

I’m not fully convinced he consciously wants you needy. I think he may unconsciously feel safer when you are the one reaching, because then he remains in control of distance. If you start needing clarity, definition, consistency, or reciprocity, then the relationship stops living in the fantasy zone and starts entering reality.

Reality asks things of him.

The biggest question here is not:
“Will this ever work?”

It is:
“What would ‘working’ actually require from both of us?”

Because if “working” means:

• you accepting chronic ambiguity,
• swallowing your instincts,
• pretending the roommate situation doesn’t bother you,
• regulating yourself around his withdrawals,
• and surviving on intermittent tenderness—

then yes, technically it can continue.

But continuation and fulfillment are not the same thing.

You are trying very hard not to become “needy,” but there is another danger too: becoming emotionally self-erasing in order to keep access to someone.

You should not have to shrink your legitimate questions just to preserve connection.

And I think, underneath all of this, you already know the fork in the road:

• either he eventually becomes more transparent, accountable, and emotionally steady,
• or you will slowly become lonelier inside the relationship than you were outside of it.

That’s usually the breaking point with dynamics like this. Not explosive betrayal. Exhaustion. Emotional malnutrition. The realization that crumbs started feeling like meals because you were hungry.