organized chaos

 This weekend has been a turning point i didn't see coming. Thats a lie.  Maybe i did know it wasn't going to continue on as it has been.

Mr. Cigar made the leap.  Told her about me, that he doesn't want to give either one of us up, and wants to see it we can make it all together.

I'm sure sex has it's role in there, knowing him.  I'm sure rental income also has it's place.  

I don't know if it would be financially beneficial to me.  

This thought pattern will be worked out.  I will be making no big moves until a year of success has been firmly placed under our belts.

If we do this.

He came over yesterday- it was pouring rain so no walk was going to happen.   I told him i felt ambushed. He reminded me that we've had these conversations over and over about non traditional relationships.  He did what he does, and bulldozed ahead because the opportunity arose.  I felt very unprepared for how and when he told me that conversation had taken place and about the intimacy that followed.

Shock maybe.  Truth doesn't mean there are no consequences.  Truth means you are on fair footing with the other person, free to make your choices based in reality.  Not fantasy. Truth means you respect the other person, and yourself.  Truth hurts more than it doesn't.  But it's real.

And the recurring theme in my life is that i want REAL.  It doesn't have to look like everybody else's reality.  I need to feel seen, known, accepted, cared for, considered and loved.

A partnership.

and love stuff.

of course.

But the reality is there is no love without truth.  And he wants both of us.  Has tried over the past year to leave one or both of us several times.  Been caught in his own web.  And i've been caught there too, with or without him in my life.  He's there.

He is infuriating.  He has ED.  He is bossy and opinionated and successful.  He is safe in a way no one else has been in the past 10 years because i know i'm stuck in his head the same as he is stuck in mine.

Good, bad or indifferent.

I'm impulsive.  I have a history of seeing the opening and jumping in, hoping for the best.  I won't do that this time.  I am considering this situation, and what it might look like.  What will it look like a year from now, 5 years, 10 years.........is this a temporary experiment where i lean something new again or is this a turning point where i can actually breath, and trust.

I invited her over and she's coming her this afternoon.  He's not invited.  I want to meet this woman who seems to be as in love with him as i am.  Who told him she is willing to try. But what are her motives?  To do as he asks to keep him?  Or because she can see this as an possible alternative lifestyle that benefits all of us?

She has not dabbled in the different lifestyles.  She hasn't apparently ever even been curious enough to investigate them.......she has been married 5 times.  Like my mother.  She has her own issues.

I need to know her.  I asked him what happens if we don't want to try this? what if we both hate each other or don't trust the motives of the other......He said we would continue on as we have been openly.  That he can't be without either one of us.  That if one or both of us decided we couldn't do it, then it would be our choice to leave him.  He doesn't want that.

I asked him what if he meets another woman he can't live without.  Will there be a harem at his home? And what if one of us met a man we developed feelings for, would we have the same freedoms?

No harem.  Just us. He didn't like the idea of us having the same options.  He said he couldn't stop either one of us.  He pointed out that he wouldn't be eating dinner where another man had made a donation......not in those words.  

There is no definite view of this whole picture.  After we meet today, there will be more to consider.  How to develop boundaries.  A list of daily living patterns that will need to be worked out immediately, in preparation of the future possibility.

I haven't decided. 

When he and i were sitting on the floor eating chinese and talking about all the other things, after we had worn out the topic of can this work, and we were laughing and being how we are.....i thought i might be able to do this.  I've been sharing him.  

So now i'm going to meditate and pull a card, and go cleanse myself for her arrival.  I am more interested in what she sees this is.  I will let her talk. And i will listen.  

This week is a pressure week at work and i will need to concentrate on that.  And marinate on this triangle idea.