My Karma

I believe in Karma.  What you put in to this life will come back to you, eventually.  The choices you make, the paths you choose, the people you love or hurt - it will always circle around. 

We don't see it when we are in it.  Or, we see it and don't care. We don't always think about how actions that feel wonderful in that moment will stay with us a lifetime, and may be a lot less than wonderful.  May in fact change your life from good to a living hell. 

Or maybe your life IS a living hell and you don't see it until it smacks you in the face so hard you can't ignore it any more.  And maybe that painful smack is the best thing that could have ever happened to you.  Karma is not a punishment.  Karma is what you are coming right back at you.

No one is perfect.  Everyone has done something they wish they hadn't, or hurt someone they wish they hadn't.  Everyone has regret of some kind, large or small. Karma is there to re-direct you so you don't make those choices again, so you can correct your path, make amends, to teach you to be a better person and therefor have a better life.

I haven't learned yet how to let go of bitterness.  I try.  I redirect myself.  But i still feel it in moments that catch me off guard, triggered by memories.  I should (and most times now DO) dismiss the bitterness and move along, turn my back, pretend not to see until i don't anymore.........but now i see that whether or not I acknowledge my pain and/or bitterness it is still there, residing in my being - taking up valuable space. 

Letting go of someone is not real.  Those who have hurt me, altered my life, the vision of how i saw myself..they will always be there in my being. 

Just like those who have loved me well, protected me, sheltered and cried with me will always be there, in my being. 

Not negative, or positive.  They just are. 

Moving on is misleading because it doesn't mean that i have left anyone behind.  Because even as I grow and experience and love deeper each day I realize this day is here because of the days that proceeded it........that the love I give now grew out of the love I gave before. 

My Karma. 

Wheel chairs and no regrets

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time" Maya Angelou

Back to that thought in a moment. 

First, i want to write about my experience as a person in a wheelchair at a casino. 

My foot is broken.  Don't know how or when it happened (thats the fun part) but it took me about 3 weeks to finally go to the doctor with my swollen mystery foot to find out.  Of course now i'm not supposed to walk on it, just in time to go to a concert at the casino.

I could easily have cancelled but i've never seen a Backstreet Boys concert and I was curious.  My girlfriend invited me to go along with her, her 14 year old daughter and her friend. Can't forget Fergie.  I didn't understand a word she was saying but it looked fun. Love is blind  It was a night out with my friend more than going to a concert, at least for me.  So we checked our coats and I got myself a wheelchair that she pushed me around in all night.

At first, i thought this would be kinda fun.  And then.......

We tried to get coffee.  Well we DID get coffee but I would have loved to see what donuts were available at the Krispy Kreme (gotta love casinos) but people were standing in front of the display and they weren't about to move.  Getting napkins was another adventure and i'm glad C was able to push through and get them.  I wouldn't have been able to, pushed or not.

On to some shopping.  Wanted to check out Victoria's Secret because the store at the casino has more than the mall.  However, they have so much stuff that navigating through the store in a wheelchair is next to impossible.  Unless you want to knock down displays.  Or people.

Went into another store, wish i could remember the name, but it had a lot of country type decorations for the home- forget it.  It's not just the jam packed floor displays that block the isle its the people who refuse to move an inch out of the way.  Literally an inch.  Guess what?  no purchase was made in that store either.

Last was Brookstone.  I love this store but it was the same problem.  not enough space and displays that literally block wheelchairs from getting to certain parts of the store.  I saw a blanket on the back wall that I wanted in the worst way........too bad i couldn't get to it.  No purchases made.  Sorry Brookstone.

Lets talk about the people who give you dirty looks, or turn their butt into the face of the person with the wheelchair.  Or the people who talk to the pusher, about the rider, as if they don't exist. 

Here's the one good thing (aside from not having to walk the casino with a broken foot) - our seats got changed to the platform and we saw the concert with no one blocking us.

IF you are reading this and you've never had to use a wheelchair, please be more aware.  If you are a store floor planner, please remember that people in wheelchairs also have credit cards and would like to purchase your merchandise.  I, will not shop at any of the three stores i went into again.  Making sales does not trump discrimination, and that is exactly what it is.

Okay......the quote.  It came up in my facebook feed this morning as a "memory" and it reminded me that blaming someone for treating you poorly when you ALLOWED it to happen for whatever reason is weak.  People really do show you who they are, early on in any relationship.  If you make excuses for it, validate it, or pretend you don't see it because it fits your agenda better- that's on you.  Assholes will act like assholes.  Cheaters will act like cheaters.  It doesn't make them right, but it doesn't make you a victim either.  Walk. Away.  Or......run.   Or, admit that you participated in your own misery by trying to make someone something they aren't, or by ignoring or not believing who they are. 

Also, remember the good times.  No one stays in a relationship for years without some good times and it's okay to remember them.  And move along with a smile.  A great big smile. 

punish me

yeah, so i went through old texts today.......because i'm a glutton for punishment.

The ones i shared with Mike in the beginning have "fallen off"....which makes me sad because i wanted to re-visit that.  Stupid.  I know.  I have the flesh and blood man, texts don't come close to him.

THEN i re-read some other texts and finally re-read some of the ex's texts.  Mostly i'm pissed at myself for being such a .....pathetic creature.  How embarrassing to go back and see the state I was in.....at least i didn't beg.  I AM a grown up. 

Re-reading the texts made me glad i'm not sitting at home waiting for him anymore.  I'm glad i'm not the one trusting him, half ass or otherwise. 

There's no hate, but there are still thoughts.  Memories.  Anger.  Nostalgia.  No regret.  yet.  I'm waiting for that to stop because it feels strange when it happens.  I feel disappointed in myself.  I also know that it's going to happen and that rolling with it is better than fighting it. 

He said he "didn't want to hold me back" and he was right about me being held back but i'm the one who was doing it.  Now i don't.  Now i don't hold back a damn thing.  Don't have to.  And thats a really good place to be.

Scrolled through conversations with friends that had SO MUCH patience with me.  Urgh.  I don't know how they did it.  I don't have that much patience.  It was fun to laugh again at some of their antics in making me smile.....some of the pictures they sent me.  One friend sent me a scowling picture of his face to put on my screen saver so i wouldn't text the ex.  That is friendship and love.

So my question, (will i answer myself?) is.........do i erase everything from everyone over the past year or do i save it?  Do i want to see my sad, raging, bitter, righteous self and the road i traveled to get to where i am now?  Is that something to erase or save?  I'm not sure.  So for now i'm going to keep everything.  until i am.

What the hell is happening?

Matt, oh Matt.  How could you?  First it was Kevin, then Louie and now you.  

I guess i don't understand what it's like to be a man.  Or to raise a man like you - because i'm QUITE sure that my son hasn't and wouldn't act like any of you.  He was raised by me.  

I talk to him, have always talked to him AND my daughter about topics that many shy away from, or "protect" children from. The kind of protection that allows someone to victimize your children because they don't know how to respond to a predators advances. BUT Pedophilia is a completely separate topic and should not be assumed to be part of my thought process at this moment.   There are people out there having a hard time distinguishing the difference between victimizing a child, or an able minded adult.(Kevin??)

Men/anyone who is using their power or position to force women/anyone into a situation they are forced into, need to pay a price for their behavior.  Because, it's all about money, right?

It should be about having respect for people, INCLUDING yourself - that you would never need to exert power over someone not of your status.  Frankly, that doesn't seem to be very difficult or a challenge.....seems to be for very weak minded people looking for an easy way to take out their issues.  Like wife beaters. And there I go, off the track again..........

Why is there so much shitty behavior?  Is it natural?  Are we trying to make men pay a price for being who they naturally are?  Is that a fair question?  Because it feels like everyone knows it's not okay to sexually harass women/anyone and yet.....it still happens.  Frequently.  And it's not just supervisors, bosses, or heads of companies doing it - we just hear about that.  

I haven't been sexually harassed as an adult - by my definition, however another women/anyone might feel differently.  I've been to the sexual harassment training that the state of CT says managers of people must go to........and frankly it was a crock of shit.  Their definition, at least  when i took the training over 10 years ago was "anything" can be considered sexual harassment if it makes someone uncomfortable.

So.  Now i'm going to free style my thoughts as i usually do when writing here-  I've been uncomfortable a LOT over my lifetime.  I would like all the bosses that made me thus to be fired.  Right now.  Today.

That isn't going to happen.  I'm not making light of the accusations women/people are laying against the celebrities that have been outed, but i am calling attention to the fact that if we are going to do this, lets DO THIS.  Like, that burger king manager that liked to grab  my ass and nuzzle my neck?  Find him.  Fire him.  OR that manager at the call center that like to call me into his office and talk dirty to me, and suggest that if i was nice to him I would be promoted........

Hasn't every women been harassed in some way?

And men aren't changing because we call them out on it, or publicize it, or fire them.  

Maybe the only way we can change this pattern is to start with our children.  The ones we gave birth to, the ones we work with, the ones we interact with at all.  Maybe we need to empower our children from birth, talk to them.  Frankly.  

When i was in high school there was a boy that put his hand out on my chair, palm up, as i was sitting down.  I sat on his hand and promptly stood up, turned around and slapped him so hard the whole class heard it, including the teacher who was ........male.  I was punished with an after school suspension and he was not punished. 

The message that was sent by my SCHOOL was that I was not allowed to defend or stand up for myself.  The message sent to him was that it's okay to do that to a girl.

We cannot blame grown men, who have grown up in a society where it's ignored or approved to harass girls/people when they do it to women/people.  

We can't look the other way when we see this happening as our kids play on the playground.  

We have to raise them to know that not only is not okay to harass anyone, it is ALSO okay to defend yourself.  With a slap, or a loud voice, or a quiet telling to an adult.  

I'm gonna get some people mad - but i'm a woman and i don't feel second to any man, and would never act like it.  If a man suggested I "be nice" to him to get a promotion, I will tell him to stick his crutch up his ass.  Prove i said it.  Try to fire me.  Do not fuck with me.

If a boy cops an uninvited feel of my ass while in class, i will slap the shit out of him.

If a man on the street says something to me - I ignore it.  I don't have to interact with him.  OR if i felt it was that offensive I could tell him off.  Most women would be telling men off all day if that was a solution.

Do i have a perfect answer.  No.  My opinion is that we need to stop the great division between men and women.  Women need to stop accepting that we are "weak" and need someone else to defend us when confronted with ugly situations.  We need to be part of the solution by standing up for ourselves IMMEDIATELY and completely.  Even if that means the career we are working on may be affected - what is more important?  Our kids can have both without thought if we do the dirty work of making it that way for them.  OR. we can continue to take the passive in the moment role.

I'm not victim blaming.  I'm saying if everyone who is being harassed - not just people who can publicize it - stops taking it and stands up for themselves regardless of the fallout we can begin to change things.

Talk to your kids, raise them to see people, not color, not age, not sex.  Teach them that no one deserves to be treated differently based on these things and that if they see it, say something.  Do something.  Because if its not you today, it will be at some point.  

Done.

Thankful

I am grateful for this cup of steaming black coffee and the last piece of apple crumb pie that i just ate for BREAKFAST.,

Happy Thanksgiving!  Really.  I mean it.  No sarcasm. 

It's early, the house is quiet aside from the "tinks" that come from the heat occasionally.  Heat.  I'm so grateful for HEAT that comes on with the flick of a switch. 

My eyes popped open this morning and my little love was curled up next to me instead of my big love...like he knew i needed the reminder that i am his first love.  I am grateful for Miyagi, the 5 pound furry little ferocious (he thinks so) beast that literally saved my sanity.  I am grateful for his wiggly welcome back dance, his licks, his head butts, his happy bark and his soulful eyes that balance his adorable underbite.   I am his.  I gave myself to his unconditional love the moment i met him and it was the best thing I ever did. 

Just like i gave myself over to the myth of love at first sight.  My brain fought it, my destiny continued it's course without me.  My big love, Michael.  I am grateful for his ability to be gentle and kind while being 100 % male.  I am grateful to be his equal, at full steam ME, and that not only can he handle me, he seems to enjoy me. He is my match, my happy medium, my complete trust, my comfort and excitement.  He sees me, for who i am, for how i am, for what i look like (cleaned up and NOT) and all i can see is the love reflected in his eyes.  What i'm most grateful for is that twinkle in his blue eyes that caught me and ended my search. I am grateful to have finally found him. 

And while i was searching for myself and for my footing I learned just how grateful I am for my family.  My children, no longer children - grown up and living their lives but who always check in on me, make sure i'm okay - that i'm happy.  They are my success.  Both know how to take care of themselves and others, both independent and strong willed.  I am grateful that they put up with my flightiness, my inability to call them every time i think of them (they would change their numbers if i did) I am grateful that when i was at my lowest point the thought of them lifted me as proof of the good things i accomplished in my lifetime.  There are times that i can't believe how lucky i am that they have grown into the adults they are, in spite of my many mistakes and imperfections.  I am grateful that my children fill my heart not only with love, but with pride.

My friends.  How can i fit all the emotion and gratefulness that i have for each of them into that word "friend".  I need a grander term.  Until then, I will say that I am grateful for each of them in different ways but all of them for showing me constant love and support and encouragement through my dark days, and laughing so hard with me that we peed on my good days.  I am grateful for no bullshit in my face  talks, snapping me out of my self pity rides.  I am grateful for the coffees that were clutched while i constantly repeated what everyone already knew, yet they let me say it like it was the first time. I am grateful for long scandalous conversations,  .I am grateful for rides given when i purposely drank too much.  I am grateful for the hugs, the kisses, the i love yous, the constant and steady reminder that i was worth loving.  You saved me when i couldn't save myself. 

This year I am the most grateful for myself.  I know this looks selfish, however, it's been a long time, like never.  I am grateful that no matter what happens in my life I have the ability to love, and be loved.  I am grateful that i have found my trust again - that my bitterness did not cause blindness- that i was able to appreciate the love in my life that comes from all directions - from my children, my friends, my co-workers even, and my self.  I am grateful to have finally found my self worth and my happiness.

To friends and family in the past, I am grateful to have known you and have you shape my present.  I am grateful that each person in my past has brought me to this point and that my lessons were learned, the love that was shared will never be forgotten and the memories bring smiles to my face. I am grateful to have been shaped by having you in my life for the time you were there.

My wish this year, on the day of thanks is that all my loved ones realize their value in my life and in the lives of others.  Eat, drink, be happy and share the love!  Happy Thanksgiving.

 

patience, patience

You know how you think something is going to be quick and easy and you are completely wrong?  Yeah, that is me.  Always.  I should know to add about 6 months minimum to any "weekend" project i think i'm going to accomplish.

But it's okay.  Anything good is worth waiting for. 

I just need a few more hours in the day, and eventually i'm going to have that.  Just not now.  I'm trying to stock up on supplies that will be needed on those snow days I am "stuck" at home......hahahaha "stuck"......i'm actually wishing for snow.  Shhhhh.  All day in the house to work on my projects with loud music accompanied by horrid singing and bad dancing.....sounds lovely to me.  That or chanting monks and lit candles.....who knows.  Like Bobbie sang, it's my prerogative.

And food.  I'm making my list of food to stock up on for the marathon cooking and freezing i have planned, in my head.

This week i'm going to attack the mysterious freezer in the basement that i'm told works but hasn't been used in years.  I'm also told it smells bad.  Soooooo.....thats gonna be fun.  But I am the woman who as a kid spent summers in Florida cleaning out refrigerators and hunting lizards.....My grandfather had a business where he picked up broken refrigerators and fixed them to re-sell. This was his version of retirement.  Stinky refrigerators and freezers aren't my favorite but it brings back some fond memories and feelings for me.  I'll just have to hold my breath and de-stink it. 

My baby boy turns 27 this week.  I think that may make me cry.  Again.  And then my first born turns 29.  More crying.  I'm so proud of both of them - of the adults they have become.  I'm not getting any older though, just so that is clear.

Happy Thanks giving to those who celebrate it.  I like it so much i'm going to do it a couple of times this year. 

Always

It seems that there is always at least one person I love that has to be angry and or disatisfied with me.  My life can never be 100% good.

That's not true though, because I'm not that woman anymore. I'm sorry if anyone I care about is upset with me but this is my life and I'm living it the way I see fit.  With no apologies.

I love my family, my friends and my man. That should be enough. If it's not, and anyone feels the need to pass judgement on me or my choices that is not my problem. Sorry you don't agree or approve. I still love you. I'm still making my own choices.

Push me away with hurtful comments, tell me how little my being in your life matters.....i still love you. I'm not going to force you to share my happiness but I do want you to look deep and ask yourself why.  Why does my finally being happy make you so angry? 

My family. My friends. My man. (Boyfriend sounds so childish) I love each one but I will not be shit on by anyone. Ever. Again. My advice is to respect me enough to watch how you talk to me about people I love. Period.

I'm here for you, Will always be here. I deserve to be happy. So do you. I guess I don't fully understand how those two things are so very different.

Thanks for listening.

perspective

This morning i had a conversation with someone i know  through work that has really given me some perspective.  

Both her children are in the armed forces AND work as police officers.  Last year around this time both were deployed within a month of each other and her brother, who lived with her, passed away a month later.  

She told me she didn't know how she did it, she just kept going.

The holidays are upon us and my bad habit of getting myself all crappy about it has started.  But why?  My children are safe and happy.  I am with a man I love who treats me like gold.  I have much to be grateful for.  There is no reason to carry the old negativity by rehashing the past over and over as far back as i can remember.

She kept going.  And things WILL get better eventually.  I know this first hand.  

Egg sandwiches, Howard Stern and Therapy

This morning i had extra time to spare before going in to work so i stopped at the local deli and ordered an egg sandwich.  I go there often, as most around here do, and they know me mostly because of Miyagi usually being in my arms.  If i go in without him, they want to know where he is.  Anyway, any single women looking to meet men - go into your local deli in the morning when all the workmen are on their break and getting their breakfast.  Trust me.  Do it.  If you like that kind of man it's a candy store.

This morning I felt like the special.  This hasn't happened to me in a while which is why I can now say with proof that attractiveness is in your attitude and how you hold yourself.  Mike makes me feel gorgeous.  He never stops telling me, and touching me, and putting me first.  Now, should self satisfaction come from someone on the outside telling us?  Maybe not.  Of course not.  HOWEVER, to have a man look at me the way he does and treat me the way he does..........lets say its hard to have a down day.  That vibe gets carried with me and this morning i noticed the results.

Isn't that a fucker?  When i was single and looking it wasn't until i gave up and stopped caring that i finally met the right man.  It's that not caring thing, that attitude that you are fine with yourself that gets the kind of attention you have forgotten to care about.  Twisted right?  But true.

Which brings me to therapy.  If you are feeling down on yourself or like your life is too heavy to carry- go get therapy.  Don't waste valuable time.  Not only get therapy but take the time and be discriminating in who you choose to stay with - you must trust your therapist.  You must "click" and not everyone is going to with every therapist.  I've met a few that I think are wonderful people, but who just didn't work for me in a way that i didn't know i even needed.

Of course i'm partially in love with my therapist because she's that good.  She was recommended to me, and that is always a good place to start.  But like I said, someone who is perfect for another person may not be your match.  So be patient and look around.  It's worth your mental health, and the therapist is not going to have hurt feelings.

Someone recently told me that they felt stirred up and angry when they left their sessions and that it took a week to calm down and then they were back at therapy to be stirred up yet again.

I'm not an expert, but this is NOT what therapy is about.  There is not truth to "no pain no gain" with mental health.  That is bullshit.  And we shouldn't pay for bullshit. (although, i'm told that there are scientists paying for human feces in Africa.....but that is a different story for another time)  Yes, you may feel emotional during a session and probably will for most, but a good therapist is not going to send you back out into the world as a walking wound.  Therapy is about healing.  Not wounding.  You should feel lighter, freer, have a better understanding of yourself - at least a glimmer, when you leave that office.  If you feel like hell when you leave, PLEASE find another therapist.

I'm not saying you should have rainbows shooting out of your ass.  I'm saying, you should feel empowered.

And on THAT note, I was listening to Howard Stern this morning and he was talking about the whole Louis C.K thing, with him whipping out his penis and masturbating in front of women who were not asking for that - how he has apologized and how his career is most likely over.

I call bullshit.  This is a situation where black and white thinking is nothing but a limitation for small minds.

Have you heard his stand up?  Have you watched his shows?  His interviews?  He's probably one of the most genuinely unperfect men on the planet.  And he knows it.  He's made his living off of it.  We've cheered him along until he proved it.  I have many different feelings regarding this because he is my favorite stand up, i've had an adult crush on him for years and yes, it started because he is a ginger BUT I also find him smart, sharp, honest and funny as hell.

But he whips his dick out at unsuspecting women when i'm sure there is no shortage of WILLING and like minded ladies.  That tells me, (again i'm no expert) that the thrill for him is in making women uncomfortable.  That bothers me.

Any time a woman feels assaulted she has a right to her feelings whether or not someone else thinks its assault or not.  IF you haven't ever personally felt assaulted then you should probably shut up and wait your turn before you speak.  If you are a woman, you will definitely have this experience at least once in your lifetime.  Maybe not a masturbater, maybe not a groper, or a rapist - there are unfortunately many ways for a woman (and men) to feel assaulted.  There's no confusing the feeling when you have it happen to you.  You know.

Should his career end because this happened?  Not when it was built on his talking about his constant masturbation.  Thats a huge contradiction to sit in an audience and laugh about his problem and then call him a pervert when he acts like one.   I don't think i need to point out, as others have, our President admits to grabbing women by the pussy.  Who's going to be shocked when he does.  again.  ehem.  This behavior did not deter him from becoming the leader of the free world.

I think our standards are changing, rightfully so.  Our consistency needs to be checked and put into line.  Women (people, living things, etc) should not be assaulted.  Period.  By anyone.  famous or not, rich or not, celebrity or not.  Our standards need to stretch out across the board, from the President to the United States to the crack head who beats his wife.  The rules of decency do not apply to SOME, they apply to all.

Those rules need to be set in stone.  I said it.  If a man whipped his dick out in front of me and i did not want him to, i would leave.  (okay i might punch him first, or call him names or whatever but leaving would be part of it for sure)  That's me.  Another woman may feel shattered instead of pissed off.   Thats a big chance to take for a man isn't it?  One feels assaulted and like she has been violated and the other is just angry and left you to your business.

Who is right?  Who gets to determine that?
What is a turn on, turn off to one may be assault to another.

Risky to drag your dick out, eh?  Maybe better to keep it in your pants until you are invited.  I'd say.  But that's just me.

Do i have a solution?  Play nice.  Be respectful.  Be aware of who you are playing with.  Get help for your problems.

Respect yourself, and if you can't - go get therapy.  And then go get an egg sandwich and watch how people respond to you.

Like i said several times - i'm not expert.

Thanksgiving

Probably i've mentioned that holidays aren't my favorite.  In recent years they have gotten better in some regards and stayed the same in others.  Lets just say that while others may be all excited i'm usually trying to find a hole to go hibernate in till it's all over.

The man i called Dad was not my biological father.  When he married my mother (#2 husband) he wanted me to take his last name also so he adopted me.  Where HE fully claimed me, his family, not so much.  I wasn't "blood", i was Kathy's kid from another man.  (Who, incidentally, gave up his rights to me without a glance backward) Usually, this didn't effect me until the holidays - when the other grandchildren, the blood relatives, would get boxes and boxes of gifts from the aunties and uncles and i would get a card from my grandmother.  I did have one favorite auntie who would always give me a gift.  I adored her.  She made me feel included as much as she could.  I remember my mother and father fighting over it every year on the way home - after he had had more than a few beers so THAT was always fun.

ANYWAYS - she shouldn't have had anything to bitch about because when my sister was born she did the same thing to me.  I got all the clothes she didn't want anymore, and her makeup she had bought but didn't like - pre-used christmas gifts all wrapped up so it didn't look too pathetic.  One year i wanted designer jeans so badly i could taste them and she said i could have a pair but that would be my only present.  I consented, so excited that i would have a pair of designer jeans......she bought mens, because they were less expensive.......and i was NEVER shaped like a man. 

Sounds petty right?  But i think kids can be petty by rights.  Especially when they are constantly pushed aside, neglected and ignored until there is something to yell at them about.  Thanks mom. 

While i was dating my future husband he always treated me well at the holiday and my birthday.  He picked out gifts that were special, or that he knew i wanted.  He was really good at that.  So when it abruptly stopped years later it was disappointing and sad- however i had already learned that everything is temporary and nothing good lasts forever.  Mental illness trumps presents and celebrating- so he got what he wanted the last years of our marriage.  Nothing, no celebration.  It was strange though, because our last christmas together he went crazy buying me clothing, jewelry, expensive boots.........like he was trying to make up for all the past years.  I couldn't enjoy it because first, it freaked me out and scared me a little and second, none of our bills were paid and we were close to foreclosing..........This was before i realized where all his money was going.  ehem.

I'm not meaning to trash my ex husband, or anyone else.  But I've thought long and hard about why the holidays suck for me so maybe if i get it out here i don't have to ever think about why again. 

As a single mom, i struggled to make christmas something for my kids.  Usually there was one big gift they had to share and then some smaller gifts.  They always acted excited and happy but i remember what it was like to be a kid and have all my friends talk about how they spent the holiday and all the cool gifts they got.  My kids never made me feel bad.  I tried, i think they knew that.

The one thing they hated was going to my bf's families house for the holiday.  They were uncomfortable, and probably felt a little like they were torn between these people who were not their family taking their mother and them from being alone or with their fathers family.  I can't really explain the complexities of that, but i can try to understand.  It wasn't that they didn't like my ex's family, I think it hurt them to see a family that was ACTUALLY acting like a family when theirs was always so fucked. 

I left out how when the kids were little there was always nothing but drama during the holiday.....who was talking or not talking to who and who would my mother in law get pissed off at that year and who would have to go kiss her ass as she sulked in her room.  God forbid you had other plans with family that wasn't her, because then you were really in the shit.  And don't be 5 minutes late.  OR say or do or look like anything.  She was a terror that one.  I bet she still is. 

Back to the recent past - are you still with me?  This is more for me than you, so i apologize if you are expecting a point to this entry.  My ex bf was always inconsistent at the holiday - one year he purchased a coach purse for me.  One year, a book that was very sentimental and meant a lot - other years he would get me what i asked for, like a vacuum cleaner.  And then there were the years that he did nothing.  Literally.  I never did nothing.  I wanted to celebrate. 

I'm not materialistic but i am extremely sentimental.  I do enjoy nice gifts, wouldn't ever refuse them or complain about it, but i am just as happy with meaningful thoughtful gifts.  I could lie and tell you gifts don't matter but ........it's a lie.  I enjoy giving and i enjoy getting.  When i don't, i feel disappointed. 

Here's an example - the last year i spent christmas with him he gave me $5 in a card and thought it was funny.  My birthday the following week didn't even warrent a card.  On the other hand, he knew i was getting him a GoPro........and he happily accepted it.  He always had an excuse.  But that was the majority of the relationship anyway.

This is a long one and i guess i'm working up to my point now -

Last night Michael told me we had been invited to his daughters house for Thanksgiving. 

duh duh DUUHHH!  Family.  Oh. Shit.  Here we go again.

I became attached to my ex's family.  All but one treated me like i was naturally part of it.  It was awkward at first, because my ex was an douche who would walk in with me behind him and then leave me alone to fend for myself the entire time.  He did this at parties with his friends, who i didn't know at all, and he did this when introducing me to his family, who i didn't know.  What fun those first few years were.  But, i did get over feeling thrown in constantly and got attached to his family.

Last year, i missed them during the holiday and realized they were in more of my memories of good times than HE was. 

So here i am again- going to meet another family.  Michael means so much to me- what if his kids hate me?  Or worse, what if i get attached again.  What if there is crazy drama?  Or what if he just ditches me to fend for myself and everyone looks at me like "poor you" again........what if i see a different side to him, the dad side, and i don't like it?  Or he doesn't like the way i am......? 

Fucking relationships.  Am i ever going to be normal?   

I wish i could see my kids.  We've never made a big deal about Thanksgiving because i've always claimed them on Christmas and didn't want to put pressure on them.  I know they have significant others.  And those others have family too.  Sigh.  New traditions.  I have to roll with it or lose them. 

Yeah, i'm always afraid of losing people i love.  So get me through this year with no bumps or bruises and i'll hopefully be on my way to normal.  Finally? 

Fall

This is my favorite time of year....

I love everything about it, temps cooler in the evening with sunny days and crisp air.  That smell, even though it's rotting leaves, okay..........the colors, the way the sun seems brighter to me........

I love not having to wear a winter coat or worry about snow and ice, but getting to wear jeans and cozy sweaters. I start to get that hibernating urge and i collect "projects" and books to keep me occupied in preparation for the winter.  I pack away the summer clothes and take out the winter clothes which always feels like getting new clothes to me. 

Even so, I can't wait to finish my "closet" which is a whole room.  I feel so lucky to have a whole room to put just my "stuff" in.  A total girl room. White furs, crystals, mirrors, plush, soft.......like me.  I don't just feel lucky.  I AM lucky.

Unpacking is pretty much done.  I threw a lot out.  I have a huge box of things to bring to Good Will and I STILL have the questionables.  Keep? will i regret getting rid of?   Out you go.

The biggest thing on my mind right now is changing how i eat.  I tried the damn shakes and they are just awful.  And they aren't cheap.  Screw that noise.  So now i'm going to try Hello Fresh and hopefully learn how to cook a few new tasty dishes. 

There are options is what i'm thinking.  So the excuses are no longer valid.  Looks like that kitchen i just re-organized is about to get a workout.  Wish me luck.

Will it matter in a year?

This is a question I always ask anyone who comes to me upset about relationship problems.  The point being that over time, THIS particular situation that has you so upset?  It probably won't matter in a year.

I can't remember the date I told my ex I wanted a divorce.  I can't remember the date of when I moved out finally- still married and still too poor to file.  I remember the events, but the dates don't stand out because in my head I was already long gone.  I had already left him, many times over in my mind. 

That looks nasty in print.  But truth is truth and thats what i tell.  At that point, his feelings really meant nothing to me.  That rubber band of caring had been snapped for the last time.  Don't get me wrong, i felt for his pain from a distance, but as a participant?  No. 

So when it was my turn years later to have my life end as i knew it - I recognized that he had already been long gone.  Again, truth is truth.  There are many that would say he had been gone for years, hell from the START.........but i'm not THAT vacant.  There were good times.  There were loving times.  There were times i felt complete.

Just not often, and never for long.

As the world crashed down around me on this day a year ago I asked myself "Will it matter in a year?"  And i'm here to tell you.......No.  It doesn't.  And i need to see THAT in print.

I asked my therapist why I sometimes feel waves of sadness regarding that relationship when i'm so happy in my current relationship?  Does that mean what i have now is not real?  How can i feel sad for some other man?  She reassured me that it is perfectly normal and that it may take years, or however long it takes, to mourn the loss.  There is no time limit. 

I've been "off" the past couple of days - remembering how alone, how sad, how blind i was purposely being this time last year. The relationship sucked.  I have no reason to deny it.  It wasn't for lack of me trying.  As i remember how little we did together, or talked to each other - i have to wonder why it hurt at all to have it explode finally.

Because it wasn't just him.  It was his family, our friends, our town, our home, our traditions - THAT was what held me there and THAT was what I continue to mourn. 

No matter how much you try, or think it won't change, it does.  Because its supposed to.  And change hurts.  From that pain though, a new life emerges. 

I've given myself the year to lament, to be angry, to be sad, to write it out, talk it out, vent all the hurt and anger I've had.  Last night I was hit full in the face with the fact of I do miss a lot of things that i would never have done without him.  And that's okay too. 

The year is up.  I've cleared the space he held and now i need to clear the space of the life we had.  It does me no good, and serves no purpose, to be upset about life going on with new people in my place.  It happens.  In all honesty, aren't I in what used to be someone else's place? 

Yes, I am.

But i'm not her.

And she's not me.

And life isn't the same for anyone because the players are all different now. 

I gave myself the year.  Today the time is up.  So i'm saying goodbye and closing the door on the good, the bad, and the ugly.  No more tears, no more sadness that interferes with my happiness.  It was time to move on a while ago. 

It's time to be happy and make a new life.  Because that WILL continue to matter to me in a year.

It sucks to be right, but........

wow.  just. wow.

someone contacted me in order to let me know that she had a "thing" with my ex while we were together. 

i'm soooo shocked.  Right.

I did not respond because #1 not my problem and #2 not my problem. 

Don't know what her motivation is, considering it's been a while since that would be valuable information to me.  Seems like he has a lot of disillusioned females in his past.  He hit on my friends for christ sake, so this is not the most shocking thing i've learned since the breakup.  I AM hoping its the last. 

I know, we all wish our ex's would vanish off the face of the earth.  Anyways, the parts WE are inhabiting.  I'm all set with the updates and the "you should know" messages.  There isn't anything i need to know.  Or want to know.  Okay?  So take me off the person who is interested list.

I can't wait till the time comes where no-one remembers we were together.  Including me. 

Take him. Please.

Every time i start to wish someone ill will I caution myself that what I send out into the world comes back to me threefold......

It's pretty easy to hate people.  Sometimes its almost impossible not to feel ill even thinking about some......... but it's all in how you look at it.  What is it that is making you dislike ( or stronger, hate) that person?

Once i identify what it is, it's only a matter of changing my thinking.  Actively, with purpose - changing my mind and my thoughts regarding that person.

It doesn't mean i all of a sudden love them, or like them, or want to even be around them.  It just means that I don't have to hold any space in my head, or heart for them anymore.  My feelings aren't something that applies to them in any way, any more.

I recently saw a picture of my ex with his baby mama.  My first response to said picture was "ewwwwww" and then "grrrrrrrr"  and then........."man do i feel sorry for her". 

I've changed.  Drastically.  This past year has seen me have serious growing pains and that is exactly what i did.  I grew.  Everything turned out for the better even though it hurt at first.  As my daughter so eloquently put it, I escaped the burning car right before it exploded. 

He hasn't changed. 

He wouldn't for me, he won't for her.  His situation is different, he is not.  I can see it in his body language.  As soon as this chick began to need and want him.....he was done.  He may stay because of their shared interest, but he will never be a faithful man.  Men don't change that much even if they TRY.  He will continue to have online relationships, text messaging with other women, hiding pictures of them........stopping by their places of work and or homes........Cheaters are cheaters.  Having a baby doesn't change a mans character or the thrill of getting away with something.

So my initial reaction was of an ex girlfriend seeing a picture of her ex and the woman he cheated with........but then i chose to see the truth.  I see a woman who believes the man who cheated WITH her will be faithful to her.  I see a man who doesn't understand the value of loyalty.  I see the perfect couple.  And that, makes me happy.

So the next time you start to feel icky over some asshole, flip that switch. Be grateful YOU aren't them.  Be happy. 

non technical good with hands

It is a real joy being in a relationship with a man who is technically challenged. 

His phone is for calling people, and texting.  Occasionally looking for car parts, craigs list, etc....

He has facebook and knows the basics on how to use it.  No messenger even.

No secret relationships taking place online.

No hiding his phone OR having a second phone I don't know about.

No calling or texting ex girlfriends, or sending them pictures, or bitching about the life he has now.  

He is a welder.  He is responsible.  He owns his home, pays his bills, prioritizes his needs and wants, and is VERY good with his hands.  I mean, he works on his own home..........of course. ehem.  

I look at this man, and i can't believe he's mine.  So masculine and yet, such a sweetheart.  So giving, but not with motivation or manipulation.  He thinks i'm the shit.  I think he's restoring my faith in how real men truly are.  Like my father was.  I am proud to be with him.  

I don't need to worry about his loyalty, or his faithfulness.  He has never given me reason to feel less than any other woman, or person.  Just the opposite.  He makes sure I know how he feels and what he thinks and wants.

I'm sure he wants Miyagi to stop shitting on the floor.......working on it.  Even Miyagi loves him.  So much that it makes me a bit jealous actually.  But if he's going to favor anyone over me he has made a good choice.  I get it Miyagi, i feel the same way.  If i had a tail I would probably wag it off.

The evening news gets his attention when he comes home for break at night - we don't get into any deep conversations, we just enjoy being in each others presence for a short time.  I've gotten myself into a little bit of a routine and the night goes by fast - before i know it i'm crawling into bed knowing that when i wake up in the middle of the night he will be there beside me.  

It's a comfort i haven't had, this knowing - this feeling of being secure, trusting and safe.  If he's not there when i wake up I know he's working late.  I don't automatically feel i have to call him to find out where he is.  I just know.  And i go back to sleep without a care in the world.

I don't have to beg him to do things with me, like go to NYC and visit my daughter.  Or go to parties my friends are throwing.  Or the movies, or shopping , or for a walk. He does everything he says he's going to do.  If he says he will do it, I know he's going to.  I don't have to wait for the excuses and the "i was gonna"s.   

He's a man, AND he cleans up after himself.  He likes an orderly home and garage too.  He doesn't disrespect me or my time by leaving shit for me to pick up, clean up or put away.  The man even cooks with me...........or maybe it's me cooking with him.  yes.  He doesn't get offended over discussing what we will eat for dinner.  

I just adore him and I know that it's disgusting for anyone following this blog because I KNOW what it's like to read or see other people who are happy gush about their partners HOWEVER

this is the first time i've ever been ABLE to.  And god damn it, I'm making up for lost gush time.

He may get sick of me someday, or I of him.  But not today!  

Donuts

I gave myself a little pep talk this morning about eating right and laying off the sugar......the only thing bothering me lately is my pants size and i'd like to get it down to where i'm most comfortable.  I don't think it's unreasonable.  Just gonna require some self control and a some movement.

Felt pretty good about it too.......and then I stuffed two donuts into my mouth 10 minutes after arriving at work. 

WHY?!

Well it would have been kinda rude not to.

Really.

I arrived at my office door to find a chair right in front of it with a box of donuts and a note on top.  It was left by a faculty member as a "tangible thank you" for my assistance with a problem he had last week. 

What a nice surprise - to be thanked.  I mean, the donuts were not necessary but they were a nice touch. It's actually a little embarrassing but since i'm not keeping this huge box in my office to tempt me and i can't rip the top off where the note is written - faculty will see it because i'm sharing it in the coffee room. 

I really wish CERTAIN faculty would see it.  And stuff a donut up their ass while they are at it. 

I love my job.  I love my job.  I love my job.

I really DO actually love my job.  Just not everyone i have to work with.  or for, depending on how you look at it.

SO.  Off to a great start on a Friday morning, all sugared up and ready to roll.  I see a nap in my near future. 

Venti a lotta

Two things drive me insane, in a bad way -

People who drive 60 mph in the left lane with no-one in front of them and a long line of traffic behind them.  Are you blind?  Do you not understand that the middle or right lane is just as paved as the left?  You are the cause of accidents because people are zipping in and out of lanes trying to get AROUND you, in the passing lane.  Where you are traveling.  Slowly.  Asshole. 

Highway driving is going to make me into a monster.  ok.  It has made me into a monster.  I don't care.

SECOND- I don't give a shit who uses the public bathroom.  I don't care what parts they have.  There are stalls and i don't need to verify if someone is packing or not.  Peeing in public is already bad, and filthy.  I'm busy trying not to touch anything, not checking to see if that bearded lady is actually a man.  SO when my work decided to make the private bathrooms on my floor (one toilet, private) "unisex" instead of "male" or "female".......it didn't faze me because who cares? 

And then, the goddamned toilet seat is constantly left up and there is piss on the toilet and floor.

Fuck you asshole Men that think it's funny to go into the only bathroom that has a box on the wall for feminine disposal and leave the seat up so we have to touch it.  OR just try to aim in the middle and end up with pee all over the seat.  Fuck you clueless males that don't think about anyone but yourselves when nature calls.  CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF YOU PIG.

I've spent the past year NOT having to clean up piss and shit.  I have to say, I have grown fond of it.  I used to think it was just part of living with a male but GUESS WHAT?  It's not.  Its part of being a lazy ass pig that thinks someone else should clean up after you.  I mind.

I'm not in a bad mood.  I just didn't want to talk about males.  Oops, i did it again. 

what home feels like

This commute has been........interesting.  It takes me a minimum of 45 minutes each way during rush hour traffic - the entire trip on highways. 

I think it was when i drove to NY to see my daughter - that i lost any inhibitions I had about highway driving.  The ex had said he would go with me and then that morning something better came up (his new screw) so I went anyways, by myself.  I'm grateful because if i hadn't gone alone and gotten over my anxiety this commute would leave me without a job.  It allowed me to meet Mike. Getting over my fear of the highway opened up my world.

That is a pretty massive change for me, this ability to drive anywhere and not feel terrified.  I still hate tunnels but i've even done THAT without the heart palpitations.  It's amazing what a person can do when they have to.  It has allowed me to be free, to go wherever i want whenever i want, with or without company. 

I don't rush home everyday, and generally i don't go directly home either.  This is also a big change.  I don't feel that almost panicky feeling anymore, like if i don't hurry up and get there i will not be able to prevent........what?  I think the first time i came home and found the chick next door sneaking out of the basement where the ex bf was should have been the last time.  Actually, had i been at full "Maribeth" and not already trained to shut up and take shit, there would have been some bloodshed.  Not hers. 

Ah, it's so nice to be back.  I have to thank the ex and give him credit for me being a social creature once again.  I learned how to be alone at parties where i knew no-one and be comfortable.  I learned how to deflect attention from men who didn't know I was actually there with someone because he was constantly disappearing.  I learned how to feel comfortable and confident speaking to anyone about anything.  I also learned how to not give a shit if everyone didn't like me.  Fact is, there were a lot of people i wasn't in love with being around myself.   

After having been married for so long to someone who required me to be attached to his hip, someone who would growl at old men in grocery stores if they made eye contact with me, someone who followed me to the library to make sure i wasn't cheating, went through our garbage to find "evidence" that i was, someone who was batshit crazy and almost brought me there with him - the ex bf was a nice change.  He couldn't give a shit what i did, with who or where.  As long as it didn't interfere with him.  It was the first step in getting back to myself.  And the break up was the second and final step.

Home for me has always hinged on a man.  I went from my mothers home (awful) to my future husbands home (awful) to living on my own with my children (difficult and scary but better) to living with my ex bf (lonely).  Then i lived with my closest friend and her family for almost a year and found out what normal looks like.  What a loving family looks like.  Not always sunshine and roses, but always home.  Always safe.  Always love.  Even when crabby or overwhelmed.  I got to see it, finally.......what i wanted for myself, that it is real and that it is possible to have.

So, now i'm not afraid of highways, not worried about what is going on at home when i'm not there, and I look forward to seeing Mike every day while actually living my life in the meantime.  I don't feel put on pause until he arrives.  I don't feel like everything hinges on what he is doing, or wants to do.  I feel like my own person who shares a life with another fully capable person.  This is what safe feels like.  This is how it feels to be loved, and love in return.  This is home. 

Now.  It's time to change my job and gain back 2 hours of the day to myself. 

still sugar

Yes.  We are still in that sweet stage that makes everyone but us want to vomit.  I don't see any end to it, at least not that soon.  When two people who have been so sad for so long find each other and all the parts match up perfectly.......it's a time to celebrate and appreciate.


Its not fair to compare past relationships to my present one and yet, i do find myself noticing the differences - of course a lot can't compare because it simply has never happened before.  Like this trust feeling.......something i flat out told previous men would never occur because i just never knew how.  I've learned that you CAN'T learn to trust, its there - or not.  This isn't to say i haven't trusted my ex's with many things, just not EVERYTHING........i've always held a piece back for myself because I knew even in the beginning that they were temporary and that they would hurt me.  Was this their fault or mine?  Both.  It was mine for staying in relationship where i knew i wasn't valued, and it was theirs for proving me right.

Dysfunction anyone?  I stand by the feeling that i had to experience my previous relationships in order to not fuck up this one.  I had to learn.  Boy, did I learn.  I'm sure there is plenty more to learn about myself, about him - about life in general, and the fact that i trust him 100% makes that an exciting thing to look forward to.  I feel excited.  All. The. Time.  Not manic "enjoy this while it lasts" excitement.........I just look forward to anything and everything that we do together and even apart - I love being able to talk to him about adventures outside of us.  I love that he listens and TALKS to me, that he can take my kind of teasing, that his teasing doesn't demean or belittle me, that we can't pass each other without touching...........

Enough.  I know.  But for fucks sake I have been waiting for this feeling my entire life.  I'm not owned, and i don't need to worry about what he's doing when he's not with me.  I don't have to know what he's doing every minute of the day because of the fact that I know he isn't betraying and disrespecting me by either using hardcore drugs (ex husband) or trying to add to his stable of women (ex bf).

He is a man.  He has a backbone and a brain and that isn't altered by my mood.  He has compassion and empathy.  He cares enough about me to care about the people i care about.  He has willingly and without temper met some of my friends, all who have told me how much they like him.  This may not seem like a big deal to normal people who have had normal relationships, but i've NEVER had my friends say they like my partner.  Usually they wonder what the hell i'm up to.  Usually they don't understand why i'm with that man, who can't be bothered not only with them but with anything that is important to me - including ME.

Apparently I glow.  And i'm happy.  Really, happy.  Nothing seems to faze me much lately - I feel like everything in my world is cohesive for the first time.  There are not pieces of myself that i need to hide or hold down so that he is comfortable with me - he likes me at 100%, and the feeling is mutual.  I FEEL lit up from within.......when i'm with him and when i'm not.  I'm not worried about anything because i know everything is always going to work out.  Even the bad shit that happens in life will work out.

I'm not alone anymore.  I was alone for a long time within relationships and i finally learned that it was much better to fly solo than being unhappy with someone.  I always thought people go through unhappiness and stay together because that is commitment, I didn't want to be like my mother who changed men as often as underwear.  I had a very twisted idea of relationships and there are times even now that i have to stop and ask myself where my feelings are coming from.  The difference is that now I know and can own it, and let it pass when it's mine- or speak up when i feel like i need to.  Frankly, I haven't needed to with him yet.  He considers me.  I've always wanted that and gone without.  Well, not anymore.  And i didn't even have to fight for it.

IF this relationship begins to go south I am not afraid to "fail" and move on.  I won't be hanging on to anyone who isn't good for me again because now i know that you can't make someone love and/or value you, no matter how hard you try to love them, or try to prove yourself, no matter how much you sacrifice, no matter how much you do for them - I became a doormat with no backbone  because I allowed it to happen because I didn't value my own self.  And if you can't value yourself, no one else will either.

Can i just say...

....it feels AMAZING to be gently kissed on the forehead during an embrace that happens just because.......

This is what it feels like? 

Not overbearing and all consuming - just fits perfectly into my life, wraps around it and keeps it warm and safe.  It's the coat in my winter, the cool breeze on a summer day.....compliments whats already there and makes it that much better because it is.

This is love?

It's about goddamned time. 

New Things

The alarm goes off and I quick sit up and turn it off hoping that it hasn't taken him out of a deep sleep.  I throw my legs over the side of the bed and begin to stretch so i'm not tempted to move over instead, and curl up next to him.  I'm starting to come awake, fully - good.  Stand up, look over at him - feel grateful that he comes to bed so quietly at night that I barely wake up - so nice to be considered, and taken care of in that way.  Our shifts are different, our sleep schedules have potential to be a problem without the proper regard for each other.  It's there, that regard.  And it's nice.

On my way to work in the morning I see two small dogs with wheeled carriages as their back legs being walked up the street either by a woman or a man.  I'm assuming they are a couple, the people.  That or there is an abundance of dogs without the use of their back legs...........  They a running with their little tongues out and ears flying backwards, kinda how i feel.   Wheels?  What wheels?  I'm just happy to be alive.

Then there's the old guy with the 70's porn mustache that drives his buick century with his arm hanging out the window and a cigarette hanging from his mouth.  I don't know how people do that, i never could.  I always ended up with smoke in my eyes or burn holes in my clothes - not something i have to worry about anymore.  Anyway, this man either thinks i'm a lot older, or he's a lot younger or it doesn't matter either way because we have the same morning routine apparently.  All this week i've had him as my road buddy and he knows it too.  I'm gonna have to leave a bit earlier in the morning.

THE HIGHWAY  da! da! dahhhhhh!  So crazy good when the lane is wide open and no one is in front of me OR behind me.  I'm one of those that actually gets out of the way when there is traffic wanting to go faster than I........I wish everyone did that, there would be no traffic jams.  It's not hard.  So, when i can just fly up the highway it's a pretty nice feeling - especially when i'm going um, slightly more than the speed limit (?!) and fly by state cop on the side of the road only to realize (after my heart starts slamming) that it's a decoy or he isn't speed trapping because THAT would have been an expensive ticket to pay..........That was my get out of jail free card today so i must keep in mind that i've already used it up.

Unpacking is still my second least favorite thing, the first being packing.  This experience is new in that I moved into a fully functioning home and have to somehow incorporate my "things" with his "things".  That's a delicate road to trod.  It's his house.  Has been for a long time - and now i'm trying to make it mine too.  With his invitation of course.  It has to be stressful to have someone with a shit ton of "stuff" move into your home and begin exploding all over the place - disrupting the space you've been living in for years.  Just as stressful doing the exploding and waiting for the "what the holy hell do you think you are doing?" to start.........which it hasn't.  He appears to roll with it.  So I continue to empty out the attic where i had the movers put all my things, one box at a time.  Ha!  multiple boxes all over the place at a time is more like it.  I sometimes think he is a saint.  But he's with me, so that isn't a possibility.

I enjoy sinners.  Handsome, loving, attention giving and receiving, communicative, demonstrative sinners........well, sinnER.  Annnnnnnd now i'm gonna stop gushing but i will say it's nice to be able to do so.

My only unhappiness at this point is my daughters anger and my sons apathy over my choice.  MY choice.  I had hoped there would be happiness for my happiness.  I had hoped there would be trust in my choice.  I understand concern, what i do not understand is being cut off because i'm living my own life without permission from anyone.  I'm not going to start.  I've lived 49 years and had several long term relationships, more than a little experience in the love department.  I've gone on many many dates over the past year and met all kinds of men ON PURPOSE not dating anyone I was immediately drawn to.  I avoided my type, determined to break my pattern of falling in love with jerks who find drugs and other women more important than me.    Jerks who underestimated my kindness as weakness, my silence as ignorance, my expressed concerns as bitchiness.

Those men come in all shapes, all sizes and from all walks of life.  They can be a journalist who cheats on his wife by pretending they aren't together, or a retired naval officer who is so fucked up in his head that he can't let go of a 6 month relationship that happened over a year ago.  OR he can be a perfectly normal looking man who is an IT professional telling me he is a Satanist but doesn't know who Anton LaVey is.....Or maybe he's just a guy who wants to get fucked and thought that my "wanting a relationship" was a cover for a one night stand?  He could be the guy that is dating multiple women, like i was dating multiple men, and decides he likes one better than the others including me.....that happens.  Its supposed to go like that.  Then there is the guy that is super nice but is a hot mess in his life so much that his problems are all that is discussed and the idea of him trying to kiss you makes you laugh in his mouth.......twice.  Even the much younger man  - so young to be so narrow minded and unbending- an old man in a young mans body.  There are all kinds of men that I kept an open mind about, "tried" to feel excited about........I went out a lot.  I went out with scary stalker man who thought he owned me after buying me a beer.

It's scary out there.  I am not ashamed to admit that I don't now, nor have I ever wanted to live my life alone.  I've BEEN alone in relationships for a long time because i thought I could make them love me.  Therapy has been incredibly enlightening and freeing.  Therapy has allowed me to love myself.  First.  Because if i can't trust myself, how can anyone else?  If i can't have faith in myself, how can i expect anyone else to?  I can be in a relationship and not lose myself........now.

It feels wonderful to stand on my own two feet and not feel like i need approval or help.  It also feels wonderful to know that I can give approval or help and receive it AND STILL be my own person.

Another one of those random rambling blogs that started out as something and turned into something else.........kinda like life.

Forgiveness Ring

I purchased a ring for myself.

This is what is engraved on it:

"If I have harmed anyone in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through my own confusions, I ask their forgiveness. If anyone has harmed me in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through their own confusions, I forgive them. And if there is a situation I am not yet ready to forgive, I forgive myself for that. For all the ways that I harm myself, negate, doubt, belittle myself, judge or be unkind to myself through my own confusions, I forgive myself."


I do.

So should you.

Love everyone

This weekend has been filled with dust, sweat, heat, work, laughter, "breaks", seriousness, shopping, laundry, and general "where do we start?" ..... It hit me in the middle of moving furniture and not even bothering to wipe the sweat pouring off me....i fucking love it all, and everybody.

I can't look at that smile, those blue eyes...and feel anything but...free. odd word to use right?  We have been working together on the hottest most humid day and at times literally just laying on the floor trying to cool off and not ONE cranky word or vibe has passed.  That's new. For me.

I'm not holding my breath, being pulled down with negativity or having to leave the area due to filthy looks being thrown my way. He is happy to consider and implement every damn thing I've suggested without an ounce of frustration or having to make me feel like I'm asking for the moon to shoot out his ass for my entertainment.

I'm not used to this.  I also know that frustration with each other is going to happen eventually because that's just how life goes.

He talks to me.  He lets me talk to him. He doesn't treat me like I've got nothing interesting to contribute. I'm not discounted.

I come first.

He hasn't said that. He shows me that by his every action and word.  He hasn't had to give up any of his freedom or manhood to make me know this is true.

And now I'm loving every thing about my life and everyone who is in it, or has been. Because I'm here now.  It's everything that has ever happened in my life that brought me here.  How can I NOT be grateful for everyone who has participated in helping me learn to see, and arrive?

This is how I've always meant to be treated. And it has nothing to do with money. Completely free when given willingly. And I get to return the feeling and have it not only accepted, but cherished.

For the first time in my life.

Make a choice

I'm moving in with Mike in less than a week.  Changing my address and my life, again.

Fast.  yes. Why?  Because i'm pregnant.

No, because I WANT to, because there is no reason NOT to (and i have dug deep to find just one reason).

Am i giving up a dream of owning my own home?  No.  I am moving in with the man i want to be with into his home, yes.  Is it possible that it won't work?  yes.  Anything is possible - I know that first hand.   I know how to move like a champ now. Does that scare me?  Hell no.

What scared me was wondering if I would ever want to share my life with someone again.  What scared me was wondering if a part of me had died out of disappointment and disillusionment .  What scared me was thinking i would never trust again, never feel that feeling of longing to be with that one man, and the happiness that fills me when I am.  What scared me was the idea of living alone with a bunch of animals actually seemed to be the smart thing to do in the name of self preservation.

What scared me was feeling like i would always be too scared.  Too hard.  Too dead inside.  THAT scared me.

Do i need a man?  No.  Obviously I don't.  Do i need one?  No.  They are more work than easy.  Do I want one?  No.  I want the right one.

And i found him.

So.  Wish me happiness and celebrate with me my ability to make a choice.  I know this is fast, I know it may seem reckless, but for fucks sake all my being careful in the past never made me any less vulnerable to pain, hurt and disappointment.   I've never been more sure.  Of myself, of him, of this choice that we have made together.

That's all that should matter.

Dreams of the future

Last night i had one of my dreams - where i know it's a dream, and i'm participating in it.

He was in it, and I wasn't mad, or sad, or even disturbed - just completely adamant that he not continue to pop up in my life anymore.  I got to say what i wanted, what was true to me if not him and finally to be set free from any kind of caring.  Hopefully he got the message.   I have no desire to be included in the list of ex girlfriends and safety net checks that get called on rotation.  I do not want pictures of what is going on in his life any more than i want to share what is going on in my life with him.  It's none of his business.   My happiness gets shared with my loved ones - and this blog.  A little.  He  is my past and i am looking toward my future.

I did domestic things this weekend.  Started to find my place in MM's home, soon to be my home as well.  From the moment i walked in the door I loved the feel of the house, reminded me of the home a co-worker put up for sale that i had wished i could buy.  He's given me free reign - seriously, how did I get so lucky?  The only drawback is the commute, which i found out is about the same as what I do now only all highway.

So..........It's time for another big change.  My resume is on the list of immediate to do's.  I love where i work, i love the PEOPLE i work with (most of em) and what i do isn't complicated and only stressful at times.  Thats not the norm.  I have a coosh office, and i don't have to wear shoes that hurt.  I have a ton of time off, and excellent insurance.  Why leave now when the retirement plan is probably the best i'll ever have?  Because i want to grow.  I want a challenge.  I want more money.  I deserve more money - and the union contract is coming up again and I know that we will lose more and gain nothing.  And frankly, fuck the union.  It's never going away so..........it's time for me to have a job title that actually fits what i do.  "Secretary".......yeah, okay.  Don't i wish.

While i'm excited and sure about the big changes coming up within the month, i'm also feeling sad. I'm going to miss where I live now.  When i left home the first time it wasn't off to college like most of my friends - It was me in October, barefoot with wet hair in a t-shirt and sweatpants banging on the apartment door to be let back in while my much younger sister stood crying at the window as my "mother" screamed at her to get away from it.  My future husband came and picked me up off my front steps and brought me to his family's home where they proceeded to try and help get my mother to take me back.  Which she would not.    She had torn apart my room and anything i cared about- i'm not sure what she tells herself about what she did that day, but i was 16 and kicked out.  I wrote letters, i called, and she told me she "wasn't ready" for me to be in her life.

And then she told everyone else i ran away.

I'm sure social services has records somewhere of what happened because at the time, it wasn't common for teens to be kicked out of the house, like it is now.  My brand new social worker took me back to the apartment to get my basic stuff while my mother stayed upstairs and did not allow my sister to come say goodbye to me.  The only way the social worker was allowed to get me in was when she threatened to have the police come and assist.  Once i had what was left of my stuff (she had either broken or taken most of it) no one knew what to do with me because i wasn't pregnant. Had i been, the state would have set me up in an apartment and a monthly check.  Because i had the audacity to NOT be pregnant, i was on my own.  So i stayed with my ex's family until we got married. From that point on my life was spent bopping around at the whim of everyone else, never my choice.  I went where i was told.  I lived the way i had to in order to keep a roof over my head.  Self preservation won over any goals i had in my life.  Shit just happened to me instead of me making shit happen.

The only thing i accomplished that i am proud of is my children.   I look at them now all grown up and independent, each with spouses they love in their own homes with their own jobs and lives - and I know they are the story of my success.

For the first time in my life i feel like i'm making conscious choices to move in the direction I choose.  Leaving where i live now is feeling harder than i expected because it has felt like home, the kind you have when you grow up with a family.  A "normal" family.  Part of me is afraid to leave - kinda the way i imagine an 18 year old senior feels when going off to college.  This family took me in and allowed me time and space to lick my wounds, cry spontaneously - laugh loudly - swear constantly, and be a part of their family in every way.

Which is why i now feel that the choices I make are not made out of self preservation, but because my heart wants this.  I want to share the rest of my life with MM.  Or for as long as he treats me with love and respect.  Because now i know what that is and how that feels.  I have no doubts.  I'm very excited to begin the rest of our days come what may.    I will never be able to say i didn't live my life when i'm old and frail and in the nursing home.  I'll be the one with the little wicked grin on my face.

fuck caution

Know why?  Because i've always been cautious and it never saved me any aggravation.  If anything it prolonged it.

I'm happy.  The kind of happy i've never experienced before.  No pressure, no have too's, no worrying about what anyone thinks, or feels, or says.......my eyes are wide open and i can't see a thing to run from or throw a caution flag on.

Its new.  We are crazy.  And we don't give a care.  I've waited my whole adult life for this man and i'm not wasting any more time.  It feels good to be cared about and to have him let me care about him.  It feels good to TALK to him and to listen to what he has to say.  It feels good to feel that fire and also the laughter, the mutual respect, the mutual need for more of each others company.  The inability to keep our hands off each other.  He's hot and he's smart and he's all grown up.  He takes care of himself AND me when i'm with him, and i plan on being with him a LOT.  He thinks i'm all that and then some so I am going to soak that in for as long as i can.  I can and will reciprocate.....with pleasure.

How i went this long without him....?  I don't know.  But i don't have to anymore.  I kind of understand looney Tom Cruise on the Oprah show now......I feel that way, have felt that way since i laid eyes on him in the flesh.  From that first eye contact, I knew.  He knew.  It was a lightening strike that everyone around us could see.

Don't roll your eyes, or think i'm nuts or feel so sickly sweet you want to puke.  Be happy for me, share it with me, there's enough.  It's been a long time coming for both of us and we finally found each other.  I'm allowed to be ecstatic.

Thank you to everyone who ever made me feel like i wasn't good enough.  Because of you, i found my way back to MYSELF and into HIS arms.  Where i belong.

how fast they change their minds.........

I should know by now not to make any definitive statements about future events i have not yet experienced.  I usually end up eating my words.

Gimme that humble pie......i'll eat the whole thing if it means I get to be happy.  Not the surface, blind, fleeting happiness that i've had in the past.  This is a real, deep and calm happiness.  The kind you know that no matter how far you dig down, you can keep digging -  and never hit bottom.

I didn't think he even existed, but he does.

I can be with a man who sets my world on fire, making me forget any other man AND is responsible, grown up, able to take care of himself and WANTS to have me be part of his life.  Only me.  I CAN in fact be enough for a man.  I'm not "too much" as i have been told by lesser men.  

You know the best part?  I don't have to dull my light to let his shine.  I don't have to be less of me for him to be comfortable.  I don't have to slow down, speed up, hide this thought, keep that to myself, stroke his ego, or act like i don't care.  I don't have to fucking SHARE him with other women, past or present.  I know this from the tip of my nose right down to my toes.  He is true.

The joy this gives me is immeasurable.

The words i am eating are many.

Being wrong is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Letting go of my regrets,  my fear,  my mistrust, my pain........is the best thing that ever happened to me.  He wiped it all away in one fell swoop, like dust.  He replaced it with hope, happiness, trust and the ability for me to see a future with him in it.

It was fate.  We were always finding our way to each other.........He was made for me.  I just needed to be patient and believe.

Enjoy the ride but watch your toes

This smiling business begins to hurt after a while......seems that genuine and joy filled smiles may use more face muscles than I thought.  Bring on the wrinkles.  Completely worth it.

What a strange place to be.  Completely un-tethered to anything and yet more solid and based then i have ever been in my life.

Do i experience sadness on a daily basis anymore?  No.  There are moments and they pass. They are infrequent.  There really isn't room for those thoughts anymore, unless i purposely recall them as I am at this moment.

Why do that?  Because I want to understand the part i played in unhappy relationships.  Because i don't want to repeat it for a third round.  I don't want to fall into the same trap of losing my head as much as i'm willing to give my heart.  To the right man.  Since my picker is broken, i'm not sure i trust my own judgement anymore so i need to check myself occasionally.

Looking at where i am right now, and the fact that i've spent some solid time "alone" as in, not in a romantic relationship.......perspective has changed.  It would seem that what i "need" from a man would be a hell of a lot less considering I am doing fine without one, right?  But no.   Thinking about this now, the stakes are higher.  This sounds morbid, and makes me feel aged, not old but- If i'm giving the last phase of my life to one man he better be all that and more.

This, i have come to see - is the fun part.  Yes, i have to work, pay bills, prioritize.  I'm not rich, probably never will be and i'm okay with it.  So maybe i only go to two countries before i can't anymore instead of all of them.  Or even just the one, Ireland.  That has to happen SOMEDAY.  I can go alone, or not.  But i'm going.  If that's my biggest dream requiring money- i can make that happen.  The point is, i have very few responsibilities anymore.  So freedom comes naturally now.  Life has become an open road and i have a full tank of gas.

My version of "freedom" doesn't mean not being in a committed relationship with a significant other.  I dislike those terms "tied down", "settled down"......yuck.   If anything I want to ramp up, get a little crazier, and have a hell of a lot of fun.  I need a partner, not another child to care for or controlling boss to answer to.  I need a best friend that I can also crawl naked into bed with.  That sounds like heaven to me and it is that simple.  Someone who is my favorite person, and vice versa.

That's not to say that everyone else falls off the planet and we spend 24/7 together.  I still bitterly laugh when i think about the ex saying I wanted to be with him 24/7.  I have NEVER wanted to be with ANYONE 24/7.  Not even mySELF. Now i'm laughing because that statement is so true i taste it in my mouth.

There's a yearning for someone that can't take place when you see them constantly.  I don't want to lose that feeling or have him lose it for me.  It is essential.  It's not about holding back or not sharing a life, it's about remaining separate people and sharing that with each other.  That idea of "becoming one" has fucked everyone up.  Nice job catholic church.  I also don't want to be forgotten or discounted because i'm not there in person - I never forget, i always respect.  I want that in return.

So as i move into new territory, with a straight and open mind, I find that maybe i'm not so confused or scared after all.  I just needed to be patient and not lose heart.  I had to weed through a lot of jerks, and people who are better off as friends before i could arrive at this point with someone where it's so new and clean and unwritten - and fragile. I need to go gently before I begin to have this feeling again.

The feeling that i want to jump in with both feet.  I acknowledge that sweet innocent side of my heart for a moment, that little girl who just wants to swim in the love that never came without strings attached. The kind of love she deserved to have from her parents, but can not come from a partner. Understanding that has changed me.  Has set me free.  I can be 100% me and the right man will not only love me, he will accept my love.

I'm looking forward to watching and feeling that play out.