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punish me

yeah, so i went through old texts today.......because i'm a glutton for punishment.

The ones i shared with Mike in the beginning have "fallen off"....which makes me sad because i wanted to re-visit that.  Stupid.  I know.  I have the flesh and blood man, texts don't come close to him.

THEN i re-read some other texts and finally re-read some of the ex's texts.  Mostly i'm pissed at myself for being such a .....pathetic creature.  How embarrassing to go back and see the state I was in.....at least i didn't beg.  I AM a grown up. 

Re-reading the texts made me glad i'm not sitting at home waiting for him anymore.  I'm glad i'm not the one trusting him, half ass or otherwise. 

There's no hate, but there are still thoughts.  Memories.  Anger.  Nostalgia.  No regret.  yet.  I'm waiting for that to stop because it feels strange when it happens.  I feel disappointed in myself.  I also know that it's going to happen and that rolling with it is better than fighting it. 

He said he "didn't want to hold me back" and he was right about me being held back but i'm the one who was doing it.  Now i don't.  Now i don't hold back a damn thing.  Don't have to.  And thats a really good place to be.

Scrolled through conversations with friends that had SO MUCH patience with me.  Urgh.  I don't know how they did it.  I don't have that much patience.  It was fun to laugh again at some of their antics in making me smile.....some of the pictures they sent me.  One friend sent me a scowling picture of his face to put on my screen saver so i wouldn't text the ex.  That is friendship and love.

So my question, (will i answer myself?) is.........do i erase everything from everyone over the past year or do i save it?  Do i want to see my sad, raging, bitter, righteous self and the road i traveled to get to where i am now?  Is that something to erase or save?  I'm not sure.  So for now i'm going to keep everything.  until i am.

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