Probably i've mentioned that holidays aren't my favorite. In recent years they have gotten better in some regards and stayed the same in others. Lets just say that while others may be all excited i'm usually trying to find a hole to go hibernate in till it's all over.
The man i called Dad was not my biological father. When he married my mother (#2 husband) he wanted me to take his last name also so he adopted me. Where HE fully claimed me, his family, not so much. I wasn't "blood", i was Kathy's kid from another man. (Who, incidentally, gave up his rights to me without a glance backward) Usually, this didn't effect me until the holidays - when the other grandchildren, the blood relatives, would get boxes and boxes of gifts from the aunties and uncles and i would get a card from my grandmother. I did have one favorite auntie who would always give me a gift. I adored her. She made me feel included as much as she could. I remember my mother and father fighting over it every year on the way home - after he had had more than a few beers so THAT was always fun.
ANYWAYS - she shouldn't have had anything to bitch about because when my sister was born she did the same thing to me. I got all the clothes she didn't want anymore, and her makeup she had bought but didn't like - pre-used christmas gifts all wrapped up so it didn't look too pathetic. One year i wanted designer jeans so badly i could taste them and she said i could have a pair but that would be my only present. I consented, so excited that i would have a pair of designer jeans......she bought mens, because they were less expensive.......and i was NEVER shaped like a man.
Sounds petty right? But i think kids can be petty by rights. Especially when they are constantly pushed aside, neglected and ignored until there is something to yell at them about. Thanks mom.
While i was dating my future husband he always treated me well at the holiday and my birthday. He picked out gifts that were special, or that he knew i wanted. He was really good at that. So when it abruptly stopped years later it was disappointing and sad- however i had already learned that everything is temporary and nothing good lasts forever. Mental illness trumps presents and celebrating- so he got what he wanted the last years of our marriage. Nothing, no celebration. It was strange though, because our last christmas together he went crazy buying me clothing, jewelry, expensive boots.........like he was trying to make up for all the past years. I couldn't enjoy it because first, it freaked me out and scared me a little and second, none of our bills were paid and we were close to foreclosing..........This was before i realized where all his money was going. ehem.
I'm not meaning to trash my ex husband, or anyone else. But I've thought long and hard about why the holidays suck for me so maybe if i get it out here i don't have to ever think about why again.
As a single mom, i struggled to make christmas something for my kids. Usually there was one big gift they had to share and then some smaller gifts. They always acted excited and happy but i remember what it was like to be a kid and have all my friends talk about how they spent the holiday and all the cool gifts they got. My kids never made me feel bad. I tried, i think they knew that.
The one thing they hated was going to my bf's families house for the holiday. They were uncomfortable, and probably felt a little like they were torn between these people who were not their family taking their mother and them from being alone or with their fathers family. I can't really explain the complexities of that, but i can try to understand. It wasn't that they didn't like my ex's family, I think it hurt them to see a family that was ACTUALLY acting like a family when theirs was always so fucked.
I left out how when the kids were little there was always nothing but drama during the holiday.....who was talking or not talking to who and who would my mother in law get pissed off at that year and who would have to go kiss her ass as she sulked in her room. God forbid you had other plans with family that wasn't her, because then you were really in the shit. And don't be 5 minutes late. OR say or do or look like anything. She was a terror that one. I bet she still is.
Back to the recent past - are you still with me? This is more for me than you, so i apologize if you are expecting a point to this entry. My ex bf was always inconsistent at the holiday - one year he purchased a coach purse for me. One year, a book that was very sentimental and meant a lot - other years he would get me what i asked for, like a vacuum cleaner. And then there were the years that he did nothing. Literally. I never did nothing. I wanted to celebrate.
I'm not materialistic but i am extremely sentimental. I do enjoy nice gifts, wouldn't ever refuse them or complain about it, but i am just as happy with meaningful thoughtful gifts. I could lie and tell you gifts don't matter but ........it's a lie. I enjoy giving and i enjoy getting. When i don't, i feel disappointed.
Here's an example - the last year i spent christmas with him he gave me $5 in a card and thought it was funny. My birthday the following week didn't even warrent a card. On the other hand, he knew i was getting him a GoPro........and he happily accepted it. He always had an excuse. But that was the majority of the relationship anyway.
This is a long one and i guess i'm working up to my point now -
Last night Michael told me we had been invited to his daughters house for Thanksgiving.
duh duh DUUHHH! Family. Oh. Shit. Here we go again.
I became attached to my ex's family. All but one treated me like i was naturally part of it. It was awkward at first, because my ex was an douche who would walk in with me behind him and then leave me alone to fend for myself the entire time. He did this at parties with his friends, who i didn't know at all, and he did this when introducing me to his family, who i didn't know. What fun those first few years were. But, i did get over feeling thrown in constantly and got attached to his family.
Last year, i missed them during the holiday and realized they were in more of my memories of good times than HE was.
So here i am again- going to meet another family. Michael means so much to me- what if his kids hate me? Or worse, what if i get attached again. What if there is crazy drama? Or what if he just ditches me to fend for myself and everyone looks at me like "poor you" again........what if i see a different side to him, the dad side, and i don't like it? Or he doesn't like the way i am......?
Fucking relationships. Am i ever going to be normal?
I wish i could see my kids. We've never made a big deal about Thanksgiving because i've always claimed them on Christmas and didn't want to put pressure on them. I know they have significant others. And those others have family too. Sigh. New traditions. I have to roll with it or lose them.
Yeah, i'm always afraid of losing people i love. So get me through this year with no bumps or bruises and i'll hopefully be on my way to normal. Finally?
The man i called Dad was not my biological father. When he married my mother (#2 husband) he wanted me to take his last name also so he adopted me. Where HE fully claimed me, his family, not so much. I wasn't "blood", i was Kathy's kid from another man. (Who, incidentally, gave up his rights to me without a glance backward) Usually, this didn't effect me until the holidays - when the other grandchildren, the blood relatives, would get boxes and boxes of gifts from the aunties and uncles and i would get a card from my grandmother. I did have one favorite auntie who would always give me a gift. I adored her. She made me feel included as much as she could. I remember my mother and father fighting over it every year on the way home - after he had had more than a few beers so THAT was always fun.
ANYWAYS - she shouldn't have had anything to bitch about because when my sister was born she did the same thing to me. I got all the clothes she didn't want anymore, and her makeup she had bought but didn't like - pre-used christmas gifts all wrapped up so it didn't look too pathetic. One year i wanted designer jeans so badly i could taste them and she said i could have a pair but that would be my only present. I consented, so excited that i would have a pair of designer jeans......she bought mens, because they were less expensive.......and i was NEVER shaped like a man.
Sounds petty right? But i think kids can be petty by rights. Especially when they are constantly pushed aside, neglected and ignored until there is something to yell at them about. Thanks mom.
While i was dating my future husband he always treated me well at the holiday and my birthday. He picked out gifts that were special, or that he knew i wanted. He was really good at that. So when it abruptly stopped years later it was disappointing and sad- however i had already learned that everything is temporary and nothing good lasts forever. Mental illness trumps presents and celebrating- so he got what he wanted the last years of our marriage. Nothing, no celebration. It was strange though, because our last christmas together he went crazy buying me clothing, jewelry, expensive boots.........like he was trying to make up for all the past years. I couldn't enjoy it because first, it freaked me out and scared me a little and second, none of our bills were paid and we were close to foreclosing..........This was before i realized where all his money was going. ehem.
I'm not meaning to trash my ex husband, or anyone else. But I've thought long and hard about why the holidays suck for me so maybe if i get it out here i don't have to ever think about why again.
As a single mom, i struggled to make christmas something for my kids. Usually there was one big gift they had to share and then some smaller gifts. They always acted excited and happy but i remember what it was like to be a kid and have all my friends talk about how they spent the holiday and all the cool gifts they got. My kids never made me feel bad. I tried, i think they knew that.
The one thing they hated was going to my bf's families house for the holiday. They were uncomfortable, and probably felt a little like they were torn between these people who were not their family taking their mother and them from being alone or with their fathers family. I can't really explain the complexities of that, but i can try to understand. It wasn't that they didn't like my ex's family, I think it hurt them to see a family that was ACTUALLY acting like a family when theirs was always so fucked.
I left out how when the kids were little there was always nothing but drama during the holiday.....who was talking or not talking to who and who would my mother in law get pissed off at that year and who would have to go kiss her ass as she sulked in her room. God forbid you had other plans with family that wasn't her, because then you were really in the shit. And don't be 5 minutes late. OR say or do or look like anything. She was a terror that one. I bet she still is.
Back to the recent past - are you still with me? This is more for me than you, so i apologize if you are expecting a point to this entry. My ex bf was always inconsistent at the holiday - one year he purchased a coach purse for me. One year, a book that was very sentimental and meant a lot - other years he would get me what i asked for, like a vacuum cleaner. And then there were the years that he did nothing. Literally. I never did nothing. I wanted to celebrate.
I'm not materialistic but i am extremely sentimental. I do enjoy nice gifts, wouldn't ever refuse them or complain about it, but i am just as happy with meaningful thoughtful gifts. I could lie and tell you gifts don't matter but ........it's a lie. I enjoy giving and i enjoy getting. When i don't, i feel disappointed.
Here's an example - the last year i spent christmas with him he gave me $5 in a card and thought it was funny. My birthday the following week didn't even warrent a card. On the other hand, he knew i was getting him a GoPro........and he happily accepted it. He always had an excuse. But that was the majority of the relationship anyway.
This is a long one and i guess i'm working up to my point now -
Last night Michael told me we had been invited to his daughters house for Thanksgiving.
duh duh DUUHHH! Family. Oh. Shit. Here we go again.
I became attached to my ex's family. All but one treated me like i was naturally part of it. It was awkward at first, because my ex was an douche who would walk in with me behind him and then leave me alone to fend for myself the entire time. He did this at parties with his friends, who i didn't know at all, and he did this when introducing me to his family, who i didn't know. What fun those first few years were. But, i did get over feeling thrown in constantly and got attached to his family.
Last year, i missed them during the holiday and realized they were in more of my memories of good times than HE was.
So here i am again- going to meet another family. Michael means so much to me- what if his kids hate me? Or worse, what if i get attached again. What if there is crazy drama? Or what if he just ditches me to fend for myself and everyone looks at me like "poor you" again........what if i see a different side to him, the dad side, and i don't like it? Or he doesn't like the way i am......?
Fucking relationships. Am i ever going to be normal?
I wish i could see my kids. We've never made a big deal about Thanksgiving because i've always claimed them on Christmas and didn't want to put pressure on them. I know they have significant others. And those others have family too. Sigh. New traditions. I have to roll with it or lose them.
Yeah, i'm always afraid of losing people i love. So get me through this year with no bumps or bruises and i'll hopefully be on my way to normal. Finally?
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