What do you want?!

Been on a dating site the past few weeks, curious to see what is out there when i decide it's time again.  Men can be really......boring.  And crude. And predictable.  At least on these sites - i'm not saying "all men".  I rather like men. Mostly.

The interesting ones actually read my profile and start a conversation mentioning things we have in common, etc. They also have more than one picture that shows a glimpse of their lives. At least one picture has to have a smile.   I take these guys more seriously and don't just "delete", and let me tell you- i delete a hell of a lot more than respond.  One sentence, that is not perfectly constructed and succinctly targeting my interests does NOT qualify for a response.

"hey"
"you're beautiful"
"what's up"
"how are you"
"hi"
"Your hair is great"
"your eyes are pretty"
"whats your name"
"love your smile"

Etc. etc. etc.               yawn.

Is it hard?  No, i don't think so actually.  It's not a bar, or public place where you have to think of something on the spot.  You have time to compose something witty, interesting, telling me something that makes me want to know more......I am not wasting time on any men that can't be bothered to talk to me DURING THE FIRST ENCOUNTER.   Fucking had enough of that shit to last a lifetime. That blank look with no response when you ask a direct question......fuck off.  I know your type and i've outgrown being treated like shit.  Put an ounce of effort into your introduction.  It's a clear indicator on if you are "fishing" or looking for a relationship.  I'm not doing your work for you.

If a conversation lulls, i let it.  Fuck keeping it up.  Let him do it.  If they are interested they will continue to pursue.  I hold up my end and that's as much as i'll do.  The first and last man i ever chased spent the entire relationship running and then he dumped me after 13 years.  So, no, i won't be chasing anyone again.  You want me?  Come get me. Meantime, i won't be waiting for you. I'll be talking to the guys who put some effort into knowing me because they think i'm worth it. OR i'll be reading a book.  Or going out with friends.  Or researching a new topic.  Or destroying some pinterest project.  ANYTHING but chasing.  Even getting colonic hydrotherapy.

I have been asked out, of course.  That is the point to this site.  I've declined due to the way i was asked, or the quickness of it - but this morning i was asked by someone who i think i'd like to spend time with.  So i'm going and i'm looking forward to it.  See what happens.  He hasn't once said anything off color, or remotely sexual.  (class)  Flirtation?  yes.  My ONLY hope is that i'll hope he kisses me.  And that that will be enough, for now.

I know i'm going to have to date a few mistakes before i find someone compatible.  Maybe i'll get lucky and i won't have to. :)  A girl can hope.  A woman knows better.  Sigh.

I haven't ever dated any grown up men with their shit together who want to spend time with me.  I've been out of the loop for decades.  I have a really good understanding of myself, what i need and what I will not compromise on.  I'd love to look better, younger, thinner, prettier......but you know what?  I'd rather have someone meet me as I am right now and fall in love with who I am and not how i look.  Because assholes tell women that they are going to leave them if they ever hit 200 lbs.......and they don't take into consideration that they have lost most their hair, AND their rippled abs, AND there tight little roofer butt...so maybe they should take a look in the mirror before they go saying misogynistic shit like that to the woman they "love".....kidding, kidding.......just as much as he was.

Admittedly a disjointed blog that maybe i'll not even understand later.  But....it is what it is.  

Conflicted

This weekend was better than the last.  I didn't make any new startling and heartbreaking discoveries so i'm going to consider that a good thing.  My favorite Christmas party was Saturday night, the one i look forward to each year.  I wasn't going to go but the hostess, my friend, basically told me i was going- because i would feel bad if I didn't go and because SHE would feel bad and that of course, is what changed my mind.  I've been told by 3 different people in as many days that i'm "too nice"........that shit has to change.

SO- obviously this was a party I went to with the x-bf every year.  These were all originally his friends and they became my friends as well.  Now it feels strange because i'm starting to feel the differences in people........i feel sides being taken due to life circumstances, and changes happening.  I knew it would, i'm sure i'm changing as well.  It hurts though- there is so much more to a breakup than just the two people doing the breaking up.

However, on the flip side, I've been supported and shown love by a lot more people than i expected.  Like i said, these were his friends first but i've become close to them.  He barely knew who my friends were, never mind get close to them.  I think about that a lot lately - that he never made an effort to even get to know my closest life long friend.  The only strong feelings he ever had about any of my friends was that he hated a male friend of mine, who told me i wasn't being treated well.  Go figure.

BUT- that's in the past and makes little difference to my present aside from knowing yet another warning sign i completely ignored and won't again. New guy, get to know my friends.  Or i'll know you aren't serious about me.

Anyways, because we both went to this party, i assumed he would also attend this year, wouldn't have expected otherwise.  Originally we were still going to go together even though we are not a couple, but that got blown to shit after i visualized running his ass over in our old driveway......not a good idea.  He said he wasn't going to go, that i shouldn't worry, have a good time.  I asked a mutual friend of ours to go with me, more specifically, to drive my hopefully drunk self home later. I trust him, I know he wouldn't let harm come to me and i'd have a blast with him because he always cracks me up.
Great night right?

The ex shows up to the party, cause a stir, and then leaves.  I just didn't want to be caught without a game face and he couldn't let me have that.  I don't know what his purpose was, or if he even remembered our multiple conversations about just giving me the heads up if he was coming.....another example of him not giving one good shit about his word, or my feelings.

So i'm surprised, and then i'm sweating, and trying not to cry and play it cool - it was like being slapped hard in the face.  Our friend Brenda basically talked me down as i considered if the window behind me would open so i could get out.  Now, if i was going to do something like that, i would have at least walked up to him, given him a kiss on the cheek and a hug and said Merry Christmas - like anyone else.  But it was obvious he felt out of place as he practically sprinted by and out the door and that made me feel bad for him which is why i'm an asshole.  Always worried about him, or someone else's feelings.  

Sometimes being "nice" or "caring" is a flaw.  I need to learn how to take care of me first and not feel bad about it.  I have a feeling that once i start doing that, my feelings may be taken more seriously by anyone who wants to keep me in their life.  

I have a right to be hurt, to be angry, to feel wronged but i ALSO need to take responsibility for the fact that i take a lot more shit than any woman should.  To stay with a man.  I don't want to be that woman anymore and every day i see how i was.

No more conflict.  Shitty behavior will get you dismissed from my concern or caring.  We are all grown ups here and i'm not looking to raise anyone else.  There.  no more conflict.

Is it too much to ask?

A male friend of mine warned me that "they would be crawling out of the woodwork" ......They being men, and crawling is an apt description.  Because like snakes, they have no backbone.

Let's review my last month, shall we?  My boyfriend of 13 years broke up with me out of the clear blue sky and a month later I moved out of the house we shared. It was the best month we've had together in years with him spending time at home, sharing in chores, actually TALKING to each other......how it could have- SHOULD have been all along.  I left with the feeling that we loved each other, that we needed a solid break to work on our own selves, and then we would eventually find our way back.  Because that's what love does.

Proof that 80's movies have destroyed my reality of love and romance.

After doing some reading i realize i was in denial.  BIG denial.  He never once fed into the fantasy that we would ever re-unite.  Even at the end i was fucking clueless.  But boy did i get a wake up call when one week later I went back to the house, with his permission - and found lady things that were not mine.  Talk about a punch in the throat.  It felt like my guts had been pulled out if my nose. Slowly.

Then friends soothed me with "men do that"...........Yeah,  some men DO do that.

So whatever, right?  We were mutually broken up and I could easily have gone out the Saturday I moved out and gotten myself some ass.  Because of course, that was foremost in my mind.  That's some sarcasm for anyone who doesn't understand sarcasm.

ANYONE can get laid.  ANYONE.  It's not an achievement.  And here comes Polly Anna - Having someone make love with you is the part you need to earn, to nurture, to grow.  And that got thrown away for a fuck.......It happens all the time.

For instance, I recently spoke with a man who at the end of the conversation told me he has a girlfriend but he isn't in love with her.  Doesn't want to sleep with her.  But she's a good woman and he doesn't want to hurt her, she doesn't deserve to be hurt.  She takes good care of him.  So, would i like to go out with him?

uh.  I can't even.  This is the pickings?  First off- any man who knows me even a little bit knows that now isn't the time.  Second, any man that wants me to "go out" with him right now, wants a hot mess as a companion.  Thirdly, I may be heartbroken but I am not stupid.  Or Desperate.

This is what i attract.  Because as this man was giving me his line, all i could think about was my ex bf, saying the same fucking thing to some dumb ass woman.

At first, i felt really horrible and then I felt empowered.  I can see this shit a mile away now.  And i'm old enough that I don't have to worry about having children or getting married.  I get to be picky as fuck.  And THIS kind of man- lol - no baby, you don't stand a chance.  I would MUCH rather be alone.  But i'm not really alone at all and I never was.  I have my kids, my friends, and I have myself.  
So maybe no more tears okay MB?  Maybe let's just sit back and enjoy this ride for a while and get picky about who gets to join us.  There are types.  and I seem to fall for the ones that will hurt me - and yet.........I should have known, right?  The signs were always there I just never paid attention because i never put myself first.  I accepted less than i deserved.  I felt i had to work hard to have someone love me.

And that's simply not true.  All i ever had to be was myself and the right person will either come along or won't.  In the meantime, no more bullshit.

But damn do i want to kiss someone.  :)  I'm human.  give me a break.

spewing filth and bile

Good days, bad days - they are all the same to me now.  I knew that the temporary lull of peace would not last and that any good feelings i had regarding him would expire.......i knew it, and yet i was so surprised when it happened.  Again.  And Again.

Any contact i have with him makes me feel like shit and any contact i don't have with him makes me feel so empty.  Like organs have been removed.  With no pain medication.  

This is driving me crazy.  My head keeps telling me it won't go on like this forever and i just have to wade through all the shitty feelings and then put them to rest.  But every time i think i'm done, i get hit with more information and i'm back to the beginning again.  

I have to stop this.  He has.  But he hasn't really dealt with it because he got busy banging someone else right away.  He's all good.  The thought of being with anyone else right now makes me feel nauseous but he wants me to believe he didn't talk to this person until after I moved out.  Because THAT makes a huge difference to me.  Asshole.

Maybe it's his lies that i can see right through that hurt me more than the breakup.  Because he truly thinks i'm an idiot and can't do me the common courtesy of being truthful, even now, when he has nothing to lose.  

If he only just started talking to her after i moved out, she's a real whore.  Maybe she's the one he should be treating like a fool.  oh, wait- he will.  It may take over a decade, but her time will come.  And so will anyone elses that has the poor judgement of thinking they are in a relationship with him.  

Whats worse than being ignored in a relationship?  Being ignored when you want to tell him off, need to tell him off.  But then, my needs were never a big concern for him anyways.  Like the time he drove home at over 100mph from Vermont because he wanted to stay overnight, even though he had told me we were only going for the day- and i didn't have my medication with me.  Or the only dog food that Miyagi will eat, or any clothes - So he took me home on a hell ride, risking our lives, because he didn't get to spend the night in VT.  THAT's the kind of caring any bitch should get ready for.  Because if you are needing those syringes you left in the bathroom i cleaned,  you better not depend on him.  You will die.  

And if you have have surgery, and need someone to stay with you for 24 hours DO NOT depend on him because he will leave your ass alone because you aren't any good to him incapacitated.  And if you fall and hurt yourself, don't expect him to help you up.  He'll stand above you looking at you like you are a reject.  And if you injure yourself, you better find someone else to take you to the doctors, and make sure you have food in the house, because he will leave you alone to go to work (okay fine) and THEN to go hang out with his boys.  

Also, don't expect him to take care of himself or allow you to take care of him either.  He will bitch and moan and cry and rage and DO NOTHING about it but make your life a living hell.  

I was SUCH A LOSER to have listened to his bullshit all these years.  I thought thats what you do when you love someone.  You trust them.  Even when you have doubts, you err on the side of your partner.  Well THATS all blown to shit now too.  What little trust i was able to give has now been proven to be the most stupid thing i've ever done in my life.

"I don't want to hold you back"........translates into "i have someone i'd like to fuck and she won't until you move out".  I hope this chick wraps him around her pinky and then destroys him. 

Honor the past for what it was

My daughter is a smart woman and many times I believe i have learned more from her than I was ever able to teach her.  Both my children, actually, blow me out of the water.  If i have done nothing of value in this life except give birth to them, and to know them, i am successful.

Now they are adults, living adult lives, making adult choices - and they are better at it than i ever was.  Maybe when you grow up watching someone make stupid mistake after stupid mistake you learn not to follow in their footsteps.  You learn how to avoid the pitfalls.

She called me this weekend and told me (in not these exact words) that I needed to not go off the deep end and dishonor the relationship i've had for the past 13 years.  That yes, it ended badly, but that there were a lot of great memories to cherish.  That it hadn't been a waste of time.  That I had learned a lot about myself that i needed to learn.

He didn't need to hurt me by letting me know he had been with someone else so soon after I had moved out.  He didn't need to leave the evidence of another female out where i would see it in the house I had so recently called home. He had been given ample time to keep his life private before i showed up.  He didn't need to purposely hurt me, and yet he did.  It wasn't until the moment i found out that I truly accepted we were over.  He is who he is and who he has been for as long as i've known him.  He's not going to grow, for himself, for me, or for anyone else.  It's easier to call himself derogatory names than it is to actually achieve something he would have to put effort into.  Make sacrifices for.  Cherish.  I believed in him and he thought I was a fool for doing so, and treated me as such.

So yes, I know we are completely done.

But the 13 years weren't a waste of time.  I'm not a failure at relationships.  I just need to learn the lessons apparently. I only hope that I can learn these lessons without completely removing myself from the world, which is, quite honestly, all i want to do right now.  I'd love to not have to feel any of this.  Or not have to remember.  That sounds more dramatic than it needs to.  When i say "remove myself" i mean with a stack of books in a cozy nook that has access to snacks.  By myself.  For a long long long time.

I returned to social media, FACEBOOK,  a week after leaving with the intention of staying away for at least a month, or more.  My fury, my hurt, my shame at being so gullible for so long fueled me to make choices based on emotions i had no control over.  I am not a victim.  I participated in my own blindness and allowed myself to see only what i could handle.  I'm more pissed off at myself than him or anyone else.  Disgusted and disappointed.  Therein lies my lesson though, and i have learned it well.

This morning I took that final step and removed him completely from my life.  The only reason we would ever need to speak now is regarding our cats.  My solace needs to be taken in the people who love me, and protect me from harm - not in allowing him to have a view into my personal life when he no longer deserves it. And lets be honest, he never wanted it in the first place.

Maybe someday i won't feel so hurt and i'll be able to think of him and not cringe in pain.  But not today.

I thought it was me but it was you

People will say breakups are different for men, that they can sleep with another woman and it doesn't necessarily mean anything.

It means something.

It means I loved you, and now I nothing you.

You weren't the one. I was wrong. I was wrong about anything I thought I saw in you.

How i feel when i'm blogging

Dark Humor Comics By Gypsie Raleigh.....If you haven't experienced her work - Do.

i'm flattered, but.......

My friends are AMAzing, and I say this with passion.  They aren't "eh" or "meh".  They are the BEST.  I like to think it's because i'm picky about who i consider a friend.  But even most of my acquaintances are pretty damn cool.  Maybe it's because i'm an introvert and choose to spend a lot of my time alone, so when i DO need to be around people- it's only the best. Or if i reach out for a conversation, even online,  it's only because I value their input and trust their judgement.  I may not actually take the advice but I do absolutely consider it. 

What's my point?  Everyone thinks their friends are the best.  Don't they?

I am extremely flattered when someone says "I have someone I'd like you to meet" - or "I know someone that would love to meet you"........I understand that they are trying to make me happy, or someone else happy...whatever the case.  I get it.  I know that they mean well because they are my friends.   Honest, i do understand and i know the person in question may not be single by the time i decide i'd like to meet him.  But i'm okay with that.

Put quite simply - I just lost a 13 year relationship with someone I still care deeply for.  I don't see myself dating, or "meeting" anyone for a long time.  I don't have any interest, and it wouldn't be fair to pretend i do.  And no, I'm not holding out hope that I'll get him back.  My focus is being re-directed to myself, and what i want now.  I don't know what that is exactly, so no, i'm not willing to meet or get involved with any new men Thank you.

When my marriage ended I was younger, and i wanted to live everything I had "missed" so that is what i set out to do in a big way.  I went out a lot.  I met a lot of nice men, some of them i'm still friends with today.  I  fell hard for one almost immediately and that ended the party and began a new life which lasted 13 years.  We wanted the same things, or more, we DIDN'T want the same things - like NO marriage, and NO more children.  Sounds crazy, but at that age meeting a man who was okay with those two "musts" was a small miracle.  And he was fun.  FUN in capital letters fun.  I so needed that.  We turned into more, i think, to both our surprise.  It lasted for as long as it did and now it's over.

Now that this relationship has changed, I realize that I have never spent time with just myself in the way that i need to.  I can't consider someone else's needs or feelings right now.  I don't want to.  I've learned to live without, and now i'd like to learn how to satisfy my own needs whatever they may be. If i start meeting people, i know i'm going to get interested in someone because THAT is what i do. I am relationship woman.  I need to be interested in ME right now and develop a relationship with mySELF,  no distractions.  No more excuses to put me off.

This does sound very self centered.  It should.  It is. 

But let me tell you- whoever you are taking this journey via my blog - When i do decide it's time to date, the guy who gets me will be one lucky son of a bitch.  Because i have a lot of love in me, and a lot of loyalty and nurturing- but right now i'm directing it at myself so i can be a whole, sane woman who wants to share her life with a whole, sane man.  

And no sane man is going to want to hook up with me right now.  That's all i'm saying. 

Wine is the answer

Last night i shut my eyes at 9:30pm and did not open them again until 4:30am.  It was the most solid sleep i've had in months if not years.  I do not recall tossing and turning or waking up to look at the clock. How i would love to do that again and again consecutively until i am no longer tired and feeling like i'm dragging myself around.

I had a nice big fat glass of wine with dinner and I was only a 1/4 of the way into it when i realized "hey i feel kinda nice".  While cleaning up dinner I thought "well now, i'm nice and relaxed" and by the time i went to bed (not long after) I could barely keep my eyes open to put my audio book on.

Guess what my new routine will include?  Damn skippy.

And on another completely off topic note:  Miyagi makes grown men giggle and I LOVE THAT.

Stop! No, GO!

Yes, the woman who laments about being "alone" all the time is the same woman who really needs a lot of time alone.  I know.  Be me.  I don't even understand me.

Here's what I think.  I actually quite enjoy my time alone when i know it will end.  I love knowing that I can read, or putz around for however long and that at the end of that time there will be someone who wants to spend their time with me.  Either, coming home, or meeting me somewhere to do something......so........I'm not really alone, i'm just enjoying my time until I see that someone.

The difference - When I do not want to be alone and I need to talk something out, or just be in the presence of someone who cares for me (even if we are doing something entirely different and not even talking to each other) and it NEVER ENDS.  There IS no time that will be mine to look forward to.  It's day in and day out of me waiting to be cared for or considered special enough to have time put aside for me in the way that i need.

Admittedly, even I may not know what I need.  But, when i don't know something and it's important to me - I try to find out.  Finding out is how I show I care.  And asking questions is how i find out.  Do you know how much asking questions pisses some people off?  A lot.  But then, maybe i'm caring for the wrong people?  I don't like being interrogated either, but when someone asks me about myself i'm happy to engage.  There isn't anything very outrageous or scandalous that I need to keep under wraps so why not?  Whats the worst thing that can happen?  You may get to know me and not like me?  I can live with that.  I'm sure you can too.  But at least we'd KNOW.

There are "things" i keep private, believe it or not.  But usually it's only because it is also someone elses private business that isn't mine alone to share.  Or very special moments that if i share will somehow become less.....i would love more of those in my life.

I would actually love not having a damn thing to say.  If i could wake up one morning and not think a thought on purpose I would do it several times a week.  Wait - is that meditation?  Well maybe that's what i need to get on immediately.  If i'm cleaning out all my physical stuff wouldn't it be wonderful to also clean out my mental attic?  Get rid of the broken stuff i don't need anymore?  Make room for clean open space?

Do I really want open space in my brain?

That's probably not the best way to think about it.  And there it is......yet another thing to think about.

So, yes, i need a lot of time alone.  Talking to people, being around people - brings up a whole lot of thoughts and feelings and I need time to process by myself.  As much as i enjoy people (most people) I am mentally drained being around them all the time.  I need to refuel my "self" by being alone.  By being quiet.  By letting my thoughts feed out all the way to the end so i can let them go.  I am overstimulated by other people - even people i love very very much.  Especially.

There is a teeny tiny part in my brain that is absolutely furious that I am getting so much love and caring from all directions but one.  That one person who thought life would be better without me, or simply that life with me wasn't good.....that's the one I want the time from.  That's who I want draining my mental energy.

How fucked up is that?                             Very.

Facebook detox

Facebook is not a friend to someone going through a breakup.  It is a torture device - that allows you to follow the very person you need to cut ties with until your backbone grows back.  Yes, you can "unfriend" them, but what about all the family and friends that are also attached to them?  Maybe i could roll along just fine, scrolling through and then BAM!  Theres a picture, or an event with him tagged that I didn't get to go to.........yeah, screw that noise.  Facebook is off limits to me for a while- maybe a long ass while.

GUILTY AS CHARGED

Maybe i'm a baby, or being immature but i don't think social media, where emotional time bombs lay ticking, is a good place for me to hang around.  Although it does make me feel very much out of the loop with everyone.....but my friends will always be reachable, with or without "the facebook" as i call it, just to make my daughter cringe.

Looks like blogging is my outlet now.  ya. hoo.   I have zero intention of correcting my grammar so anyone expecting that will be disappointed.  Writing does exercise the brain though and the brain is a good place to start.

Three things on my mind at the moment:

#1   My commute in to work is only 10 minutes more coming from the other side of the state.  BUT it's all highway and it takes me kind of out of the way in order to jump on the the next route.  I think tomorrow i'm going to try backroads for a more direct route.  When i say back roads, what i mean is pot hole city on narrow twisty long country roads.   I hate highways and my car hates pot holes.  We are going to have to compromise. I should have paid better attention so i would know, but - is highway driving better or worse for a vehicle?

#2   Future Thanksgivings have been ruined for me unless there is mole. 

If you do not know what Mexican Mole is, or you have not had it, go get you some. Immediately.  

#3  I miss him.  I miss our cats.  

The day before we give Thanks

When life is in turmoil it is difficult to remember that there is still much to be grateful for.  There is actual effort required to identify something that brings you joy and/or comfort amidst the anxiety and sadness that takes priority during this period of time.

And that in itself is something important to remember - "during THIS period of time".  Life will not always feel like this.  It will get better, and worse and better again for as long as we are alive.  This too, is temporary.  Everything is temporary.  Isn't that something to be grateful for?

This year I will celebrate Thanksgiving in NYC with my beautiful, caring daughter and her boyfriend. She will house me, feed me, laugh with me, allow me to cry but not for long, and heal me. For her, i am grateful.

Last night i ate dinner at my son's home, cooked by his girlfriend, to celebrate his birthday.  I'm not sure when he turned into a man- but to look at him and see his strength, his calm, his happiness- is to feel successful as a mother.  For him, i am grateful.

For my children's spouses who bring them happiness and love - I am grateful.

For the many friends who have reached out to me, offering me an ear, boxes, a roof, time, help packing, supportive words, hugs, encouragement and reality checks - I am grateful.

For the family that I have called my own for the past 13 years, who have shared their holidays and achievements, their time and their love - I am grateful for the times I spent with you and the memories i will always have.

And for him I am also grateful, that he was able to do what I could not.  That he has been sensitive to all the myriad of feelings and emotions we have been sifting through - trying to sort out.  That in our time of parting he has been there for me probably more that ever before.  I am grateful for the love that we had, and for this new love that we will always have.

I'm grateful for more time, and more choices, and more adventures and more learning to be done, more experiences to be had, more people to meet and more self knowledge to shed light on.

I'm grateful to be alive, and to be able to feel ALL the feelings, both painful and joyous.

Happy Thanksgiving.

prisoner to my emotions

Lately i judge the quality of my day based on if/or how many times i've cried with no warning.  For instance, if I can get through a whole conversation without having to swallow my tears or pause and look to the sky for a moment.......more than once in a day......it's a good day.

Packing really sucks and I do recall saying I was never ever ever going to move again when we moved into our tiny home.  Apparently i set out to prove just how much crap i could stuff into that tiny home.  Even with the multiple trips to good will and the giving away and purging......i still have so many boxes for JUST ONE PERSON.

But then again, i'm the one who moves footlockers filled with notes and do das from my childhood that havent' seen the light of day since.....well, my childhood.  Yet i can NOT let them go.  I've decided to have a "junk party" with both my kids once i've caught my breath and began to function like a normal adult again.  We can sit, all three of us, and go through these things i think are so special and they can tell me they don't want to have to throw it out when i'm dead.  Then we will have a bonfire of all the things they do not want, and i will no longer drag along with me.  I will have the satisfaction of having shared with them, and they will feel relief over not having a mother who hoards.

Hoarding is one of my worst fears. Even so, i have all this stuff.  W.T.F.

I hoard memories and the objects that remind me.  Its really time to let it all go.

Each day i try to think of a positive thought about my future to focus on, instead of this ache in my chest and shakiness in my limbs.  Saturday I woke up with "i'm going to New York City to see my daughter" and then i went.  I grabbed Miyagi (my dog) and we hit the road.  I needed to prove to myself that I can do anything i set my mind to.  And NOTHING is going to hold me back.  Especially fear, or insecurity.  I did it.  And i'm proud of myself.  NEXT~!!

This year is about me going solo.  There is no taking care of anyone but myself.  My children are grown and successful - and i'm single.  For the first time in my entire life i have no one to take care of, or consider, but myself.  Yes, i will probably go on dates so i don't become stunted in conversing with males.  No, i will not develop any relationships with said males.  Honestly, I feel done.  I feel like i've had enough bullshit and heartache to last a life time.  If i want to do absolutely nothing but stare at a wall all day, i don't want to hear any opinions on it.  If i want to go out every night of the week and swing from chandeliers well.......i don't want to hear any opinions on it.  I don't want to give a damn what any man thinks of what i'm doing or not doing or how i'm doing it.  Simple.  I filled my quota of listening to the list of shit that i need to change or improve or start or stop.  I'm gonna do me, thank you.

If after a year I decide i'd like to open that door again - there will be a check off list.  I never had one of those- i just followed my heart into the abyss and THIS is where it landed me.  So a check off list there will be.  I've already stated that a requirement is # the ability to celebrate each other and here are a few more:

# I won't begin or stay in a relationship with a man who won't visit my kids with me, either in the next town or half way across the world.

#As much as I enjoy a day off alone to lay around and read a book - I would like to vacation with the man i'm in a relationship with.  I will never again be the woman in a relationship that has to show up alone or with a girlfriend to every function, or trip.  I'm done with that.  And SOMETIMES i'd like the vacation to be JUST the TWO OF US and not a whole group of friends.  And let me get greedy here.......i want to pick where we are going once in a while and have him just agree and be happy about it.

Here's one i thought of last night while it was snowing: #I would like to spend some snowy days together in a warm house, playing games, watching movies, or reading - just being together and enjoying the gift of a day together where we don't have to go out.  For so many years now, snow has meant that i would be alone so it's no wonder it makes me sad.  No more.  I won't be put on a shelf to be taken down when there is nothing better to do.  That was my fault for even making it an option.  It won't happen again.

Oh, whats that?  my spine?  nice to see you again.  It's been a while. xoxoxo

Me me me

I I I iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Feeling more than a little self centered and frankly 'I' am getting bored of it and would like to move along.  Unfortunately, this is where 'I' am right now.  Stuck in the middle of me.

The mantra i've shared with friends going through a bad time in the past has always been "this time next year will it matter?"  And yes, in my case, it will still matter.  I will still matter.  He will still matter - WE won't.  Ergo the stuck in me pattern.  I am obsessing.  I am getting angry, sad, curious, excited, depressed, mournful, bitter, forgiving, hateful - pick a minute.  It's a crap shoot.  And i can NOT wait for this part to be over.

Yet, i put off moving another week.

I am trying to be kind to myself by not loading on the stress right before my sons birthday and Thanksgiving in NYC for a few days- - doesn't seem to be a good time to move a few days before.  I could be wrong, I have been before.  I will be again.

Am i dragging ass trying to stay in the house?  No- i've actually felt the disconnection already.  I don't get that "home" feeling when i pull into the driveway anymore.  Now i think "do i have enough boxes" and "why do i have so much crap" and "boy am i glad i won't have to feed the woodstove"....So a part of me that was very attached to this home is gone.  A part of me is gone.

When i leave i'm sure more parts of me will disappear.  Making room?  Protecting my sanity?  My heart?

Gross i just had the theme song to Titanic roll through my head.  It's getting bad.

My heart will go on

Not to mention, completely off track.

My brain keeps flashing back, wayyyy back, and not so way back.  Last night i had a nightmare about my ex husband.  So....maybe i'm shorting out my neurotransmitters with all this thinking bullshit.

wait - here's another one to add to the puke factor   I will always love you

yes, i'm singing.

Middle of the street

This blog used to be called "my life in the middle of the street" because that's how i always felt.  A friend recently said to me that she couldn't believe after all this time that HE still seemed to BE "in the middle of the street" after stating that breaking up with me was either the worst or best decision he has ever made.

This hit home for me.  It is why, in 13 years i have never felt secure - never felt that he was 100% in it with me.  Because he wasn't.  He has ALWAYS been in the middle of the god damned street.  Or "one foot out the door" as i used to say.  Same thing.   He would get mad when i said this - but then he would get mad any time i said basically anything real so......

I was never a jealous woman.  I find jealousy really stifling and unattractive having been the object of it in my marriage.  Then came him, with all the "always been close to" them girlfriends that popped up YEARS into our relationship.   Or all the randoms that he would just not tell me he was visiting - I call that lying by omission, he calls it none of my business.  The texting, the calls, the omissions.......the outrageous anger that would shut down any questions i had.  I can't fucking believe i stood for it.  I still wonder how he would have felt if i had been visiting my male friends he didn't know or know anything about and just not ever telling him?  I would have just broken up with him because i think, i could be wrong here, but i think that is called SINGLE.

BECAUSE I never would have given two shits about who he was talking to, or texting, or spending time with if he had been keeping up with his relationship with ME.  Because I am the one he came home to, because I am the one he called his spouse, because I was the one he was supposed to make a priority.  Thats hard to do when you are spreading yourself around to every other "friend" you don't want your girlfriend to know.  Why is that?  That's some serious bullshit and i'm a complete dunce for ever falling for it. All that time I was spending alone, all those unanswered texts and calls because "his phone was in the car" even though it was always attached to his hand when he was with me....

Why did these same females think I was such a jealous bitch?  Because he was telling them that?  Maybe? Why would i have to ever snoop to find out what the hell was going on with him because he was distant and moody or outright nasty.  Because every time i did start snooping (a LOT) it was instigated by his extreme mood shift with no trigger - and every time there was a new number that he was back and forth with connected to some chick he had "always been friends with".........pffft.  another one?  damnnnn.

And the lies.  LOL I caught him in so many stupid, who gives a shit, lies.  I take responsibility for my own stupid ass.  I needed to learn.  Apparently i am a slowwwww learner.

I never hid any of my friends, let alone male friends.  I never got defensive about answering questions.  I never felt i needed to lock down my facebook, or email or phone - it was all an open book to him.  Maybe he would have found things he didn't appreciate, and that might have been up for discussion, and I would have adjusted for the good of our relationship.  He just wanted it all.  The single life, while being in a relationship with me.    The middle of the fucking street.

Well i deserved and do deserve better.  I deserve a relationship with someone who finds me enough, who will still love me as I age and change.  Not "too much" as he would say and obviously wasn't true since he had so much time on his hands.  Do i think he cheated on me?  No i do not think he was having sex outside of our relationship but I know he liked the idea of being able to.  I know he liked secrecy (the fact that i write about him pisses him off to no end and guess what?  I don't give a shit any more) He likes the feeling of getting away with shit and thats not limited to just ME.

So there.  I feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off my chest.  For all the women who were/are friends with him and knew he was keeping you a secret from his "jealous" girlfriend - or who never bothered to introduce you to me, or encouraged you to dislike me without ever knowing ME.....have fun with that.  You deserved better too.  And to his ex girlfriend that he works with who on the few occasions that she saw me gave me the shittiest stink eye.....wtf was your problem?  Don't you wonder how a guy stays with someone for 13 years and calls you such a good friend doesn't even encourage a friendly relationship? In fact just the opposite, he encouraged hard feelings and conflict and you participated.  Bitch.  Please.  You deserve your relationship with him.  Every. last. bit. of it.

Some might not appreciate my blogging about my life experiences and thoughts and those people should make it a point not to return.   Because my fucking gag has been removed with this break up and i have nothing to lose.  I speak my truth and I do it loudly, and without apology.  And thats how it should have been all along.

Falling in love again

Today is not a good day.

I keep feeling waves of rage all because this morning i noticed he cleaned out his truck all nice and has his nice smelling deodorant and minty gum in the console.  Fucker.  I suppose the "guys" were complaining, eh?

I keep playing the soundtrack of our break up in my mind -"i'm not attracted to you anymore.  I don't just mean your looks"........

Could I make a list of shit that has changed with YOU since we first met and fell in love?  Yes.

Will I?  No.

Because i know that shit hurts and it's petty and i wouldn't do it to anyone. So don't feel special.

I have to keep reminding myself that men don't turn into prince charming when there is a break up.  They are the same guy that didn't appreciate you, didn't value you, didn't treat you right while you were together - magnified.

So why does my heart hurt?  Because I let it go on for so long and probably would have forever?  Because in the end HE broke up with me?  What does that say about me?

What it says to me right off the bat is that I have no business dating ANY man until I have my own head on straight.  What it says to me is that i have a whole lot of learning about myself to do.  I need to date me, treat myself special and fall in love with me.

~The trick is not minding that it hurts.~

why didn't i remind myself?

I meant to take pictures of the house before i started packing and i completely forgot.  Is that morbid?  To want to remember my first real "home"......that was finished and painted the way i wanted before we ever moved in?  Our little tiny home that i loved so much I never wanted to be pried out of the house or off of our deck.

Being laid off from work shortly after we moved in left me with a lot of time and no money to decorate however through the years we slowly added furniture and decorations that reflected who we were, not the latest styles.  I've become someone who does what feels good, happy and comfortable, not someone who does what everyone else is doing.  I tried to surround ourselves in items that brought us joy, sentimentality or comfort. Our home reflected that I think.  He says it was always my home, never his - however, "my" home would not have displayed glasses from beer festivals we've attended every year, or Camaros.  Nor would it have sported a dirtbike shower curtain or huge Fox sign in the bathroom........which i actually grew to love.

I like everything in its place, and organized.  He doesn't.  We are polar opposites in every way, this was bound to catch up with us.  (Although it was and remains one of my crazy attractions to him)

So obviously i started packing, if that's what you call taking everything out of cabinets, and closets and depositing the items all over the damn house so you can barely walk between that and the empty boxes.  I have succeeded in making one hellified mess that slowly is starting to make sense.  So many friends have offered to help me pack and as much as i'd love the company and assistance it is virtually impossible to accept.  I am purging you see, getting rid of items that i have moved around with me for years and either never or no longer need.  Attachment to things is something i would really like to limit.  I feel the need to lighten my load so to speak.  Simplify my existence.  Also, since i will be living in several different places I need to decide what comes with me there, what to store and what to give away.  These are things, and I will not die without them.  It is infinitely more painful to give up people.

Distraction

Youtube has a lot of "self help" videos, i've recently noticed.  Well, i noticed as i was searching for "how to mend a broken heart" like a 16 year old.  I'm not someone who likes pain, contrary to popular belief.  I want to laugh.  I want to feel happy.  I want to feel lightness, and joy.  So- this feeling of something squeezing my chest so i can't take deep breathes without starting to cry- THIS is not how i want to be feeling.  My brain says "shut it down" my heart says "not a fuckin chance bitch". Thats why i'm searching for videos to tell me how to make the hurt stop.  Give me directions on how people get through a break up from a long term relationship that they weren't ready for.

But truthfully.  Maybe i did see this coming and maybe i was ready for it.  Not at that moment, and not IN that moment- but yes, I did know we weren't happy and doing nothing about fixing it.  I had become comfortable in my discomfort. I didn't want to not see him every day, or hear him, or feel him.  I kept hoping for the happy version of him and most times that is not what was coming home.  And yet, I still did nothing.  Oh, yeah i talked at him, I asked him for what i wanted and accepted that he didn't want the same.  I was willing to let this go on indefinitely and as much as this hurts me (and he is also hurting I know) I am grateful that he was strong enough to say "enough".   I never would have.

Along with feeling this loss I am surprised to recognize a feeling of curiosity - what will happen next?  I've spent so much of my time waiting to be seen, to be heard, to be valued as a priority, as a partner that it almost feels good to shed it all and be "new" again.  This is my clean slate.  It was handed to me and i would be a fool to not appreciate it.

After my marriage ended I knew exactly what i did NOT want.  During this relationship i have learned what I do want.  If i hadn't learned anything from either of those long term (20 and 13 years) relationships I would say i'm a hopeless cause.  Could i have learned the same lessons during brief and multiple relationships?  I don't know.  I don't think so though.  I was a different person in both relationships in order to acclimate to their lives, their expectations of me.  At 48 i'm still wondering what do i want to do with the rest of my life - I thought it was "be with him".......is that as lame as it looks in print?

This is my time.  This is my year to figure out what MY life is, what i want it to be and where I'M taking it.  Not someone else.  Me.  I'm not a grand person, my aspirations are not that exciting.  I love home, and comfort and peace.  I love deep conversations, i love to dream out loud.  I love great big real hugs.  I love watching people and eaves dropping.  Can't help it, i'm nosy.  Nosy about what makes people do what they do.......and so much more.  It's safe to say i'm not looking to dive out of a plane or bungee jump, or have any death defying goals.  I'm not an excitement junkie - i hate seeing people get hurt.

I'm told i need to make a list of the qualities i want in a relationship.  Not so much a check off sheet but a reminder.  I'm told it will change - because i will change.  I've never been alone.  I've been in a relationship my entire adult life with only a short time in between the two.

I was sad thinking this happened right before the holidays.  But is there ever a good time to break up? I'm grateful for the friends that have wrapped themselves around me, so i don't loose any of the parts that have shattered.  I'm grateful for my children who show their love for me in the way that they care for both our well being, him and I.  It is a relief to know that my kids are grown, independent and happy.  It is what i aspire to be.

This list, I must start it.  And because it's this time of year i know one thing I will require: A man who knows how and wants to celebrate me and one that will allow me to celebrate him.  I don't mean fancy gifts........i mean meaningful and purposeful shows of celebration of each other.  (the two best gifts I ever received was a hand delivered home made valentine and a  classic childrens book I had never read)  I want to feel the excitement of knowing he is planning something and I want to be able to do the same and have him never take it for granted.  I want to have fun at the holidays, like a child.  I want to go see lights and get hot chocolate and watch the lighting of christmas trees.  I want to shop together for other people.  I want to participate in what the holidays mean for him, and me.

So.  There's the first item on my list.  The ability to celebrate each other.  

For the past 5 years, my ride in to work has been all beautiful back roads through Wolcott, Cheshire and Hamden.  For so long I hated my commute but i've grown to love this one.

The houses are beautiful and i love to see how they are decorated during the different seasons and holidays. I have my favorites of course, the ones i fantasize about what it would be like to live in, and how I would decorate and the parties I would have.  Its not even the big huge expensive (although i believe they are ALL expensive) homes that attract me.  It's the different ones.  The ones that you can't tell what the layout is from the outside.  You just know there are cozy nooks in that house.  One of my favorites is located on a tight curve and it is nestled right into it.  One of the trees on the road has wooden arrows pointing in all different directions with the names of cities all over the country painted on them.  They had that up BEFORE pinterest.  And the rest of the house and yard look like someone who really loves their home lives there.  It looks cozy, warm, inviting.  Friendly.  I love to drive by that house.

The other thing i see and have grown to take comfort in the familiarity of is two men.  One used to walk his dogs (3 or 4 depending) while he goes through peoples trash cans.  He lives in a huge red house (I've seen him sitting in the yard with the dogs) but he walks around trash picking.  This isn't a poor area.  If he's living in that house, i'm thinking he has no need to pick. So I always wonder about him - is he a hoarder? Extremely frugal?  Nosy?  He has wild long white hair and a matching beard, but he doesn't look homeless.  More like a hippie.  Maybe he's recycling.  Recently I've started seeing him on a bike, no dogs.  I felt sad the first time i saw him without the dogs.  I hope they are okay.  

The other man I don't see as often but when i do I get so excited.  He walks the cheshire path and he has the determined look on his face, he's almost marching, and swinging his arms - he hits, not slap, not touch, not swipe, HITS the post as he walks around it to go back in the other direction down the path.  I see him at a crossroad.  It's his turn back point.  And he isn't playing around.  He is Half Way and he is making it real.  Why does this tickle me so much?  Because i do the same damn thing.  Before the walking trail was brought all the way around Woodtick Reservoir I would have to pick a side to walk on.  If i went on the shady side through the woods (which i usually did because thats my favorite part) I would walk right up to the end at the road and hit a rock that i HAD to walk around before i could head back in the other direction.  I know what he feels.  I don't know him.  

So weird that my personal life is the exact opposite of that statement.  I do know him, I had no idea what he felt.  Not for lack of trying.  

So I did get to see the season change to fall, and drive down all the roads where you can't see sky because the trees meet each other over the road.  I did get to enjoy my views and take in the beauty of my morning ride.  I did get to see The Sleeping Giant every morning, usually misted although through a bunch of netting put up to stop the golf balls from shooting on to Whitney Ave.......It is still majestic. And I have hiked it several times.  I may again, but it won't be the same, and that's okay.

I feel like i'm saying goodbye to something I loved.  Silly, as it's "just" a ride, and duh, I can drive down it any time I want.  It just won't be my commute. My time of day to appreciate the beauty in nature AND man made buildings.  I've had so many peaceful happy trips down these roads.

And now I will find new ones. 

 

It must be an awful feeling to rip apart someones life, so I get that you would want to try and make me (yourself) feel better by reaching out with nonsensical messages such as "hope you're having a good day".  I mean, i know the intention was a good one, but really?  Fuck you.  My good days are on hold for a "bit" until I can begin to recognize my life again, thank you.  Do I sound angry?  At this moment, i am.  Try me in 5 minutes and there may be snot pouring out of my nose and lot of trying to suck air in between the wrenching sobs.  Or I might just be registering students for next semester.  Who the fuck knows what emotion will pour out of my face and body in the next moment?  Do you?

I want to thank you for not doing this to me while i was trying to get my own shit straight.  Seriously. Had you not been so chivalrous you may have had a bridge jumping on your hands.  Smart move to sit tight during my crisis of "why do i feel like such shit all the time".  Oh, here, have a pill and try some therapy and we'll get you back to manageable.  It's great that i have such clarity on the lack of control i have over my life.

I hate this feeling of sarcasm and self loathing and white hot anger.  Hate. it.  And the disappointment in you and in me and in the fact that I still haven't learned.  When am i going to stop hating my lunch hour or any minute that isn't filled with some kind of mental activity so that i don't have to think about this and FUCK UP MY MAKEUP again.

You have no right to make yourself feel better by trying to comfort me.  Stop it. You wanted this and you finally worked yourself into saying it so now you need to own it. It hurts to let go of something you are used to having.  I know.   Don't be afraid.  The hardest part is done.  Your happy days are coming right up. You let me worry about mine.

how to break up part one

Selective memory isn't something you want when your spouse is breaking up with you.   During the first few days, at least from my personal experience, you will only remember all the good things you are losing as you walk back and forth between the same two rooms not knowing what the hell to do with all these FEELINGS. You will hurt, you will rage, you will want to beg (don't) you will want to make deals, or talk them into not leaving you.  These aren't to be shared with that person.  That person gave up the right to know your innermost workings.  Fuck that person and i don't mean literally.  You need to remember ALL of it, like all the NOT so good things you will no longer have to deal with.

And to the person DOING the breaking up- be honest, be kind, be quick and be the fuck gone. It is not a kindness to the person you are breaking up with to be too nice.  I'm here to tell you that it will be taken as a ray of hope that you are changing your mind, that you have come to your senses, that OF COURSE you can't live without them either!  Here's the key, have a place to go BEFORE you blow up the world of your live in partner.  That way you can exit stage left and leave them to begin their healing.  And your healing.  Hanging around thinking you are "helping" the person being left is, lets be honest here, more about your feelings than theirs.  IF you do have reason to feel bad, then feel bad.  From a distance.  DO NOT place any more hurt on the person who has just had their life as they knew it balled up and thrown away by you.  YOU are not the person to comfort them.

Do NOT keep telling that person you "love" them.  That is the biggest line of bullshit around.  Love goes through growing pains, Love learns, adjusts, sacrifices and supports.  Love gets help when it can't do it alone.  Love holds on during the storm.  People who do NOT love each other break up, give up, walk away.  Don't mix it up.  Don't use it to lighten your guilt.  Be responsible and clean up your business respectfully, and without conditions.  Even if you don't love that person any more, at one point you thought you did.  Do the right thing.

Over

Over. When asked if he wanted this relationship he said "do I have to tell you now?".....Yes, and you already have just by that answer but I need to hear you say it. "No".

What more is needed to end love, when yours is no longer wanted.  "I'm not attracted to you anymore"... that.

To have the lips you have kissed a thousand times sneer at you during this, the moment of your heartbreak....is to seal the fate of this malnourished love. The final gasping breath caught in my chest, hard as a rock.

I loved you with all of my heart and accepted the love you gave me but you are right, i'm not the same. I can no longer accept less than being loved wholly and unconditionally by the man who shares my life. Or I will simply not share.

I wish you no ill will, and I hope that one day you remember me with a smile. I hope that one day I remember you with a smile. For now, I will try to smile and hide my pain, move forward and leave you in my past.

Re-visiting this blog renders feelings of guilt - something i haven't kept up on that i really felt i should.  Something that would be productive,if only for me- and positive, again- only for me.  So i begin by apologizing to myself for not being diligent in upholding the promises i make to myself- this blog being only one failed promise in a long line of well meaning intentions.

The problem: How much telling is too much?  Why is it okay to write about these things but not THESE things?  Who says?  Ultimately who cares?  Aside from the person or two or three that may identify themselves here either correctly or incorrectly, no one will care and yet some may be mildly entertained. Or maybe even knowing it is not them of which i speak, they will identify the sameness that sticks to all of us.  

You may not have walked a mile in my shoes but i'm sure you've taken some of the same steps.  Not the exact same as her over there, or him in here, but the same somewhere.  Because like the saying goes, we are all more alike than we are different.  In other words your heartbreak, my heartbreak?  Not original.  Not even a little. It's all been done before so THEREFOR why can we not speak of things that seem like "too much information" or "over sharing".  Why must we only share smiling pictures and joyful events on social media or be considered an attention whore, or drama queen?  It's all the same bullshit when it comes down to it.   Knowing i will survive as many before me have almost makes it an adventure. Similiar to walking on coals when you don't truly believe your feet wont burn and SURPRISE- your feet got burned.  Does anyone need understanding or empathy getting through the good times?  doubtful, as there are usually plenty of people wiling to share in the festivities. When your heart is dark people scatter and i think it's because they are afraid its catching.  They don't want your darkness to make them remember their own. Because we all have it in us. Only fools think otherwise. 

I'm going to try something different.  I'm not going to dull it down or leave out the grit because it makes someone else more comfortable with my experience...  Because i've been going through some shit and here feels safe, like a place to unload (or as its popular now to say "unpack") it.  Let's refer to it as a record of my growth from caring about others more than myself, to caring about myself enough to care more about others.  

Yeah that.  I want so badly to be able to talk to that one person who will weed out the emotions and care enough about me to hear my fears and say "me too.  you aren't alone.  I'm in it with you" and i think that maybe that is some ridiculous 70's music lyrics or 80's movie because that's not real life.  Maybe for some but are they being real?  Is it really possible? 

i have not yet had the privilege of being truly accepted with all my faults and imperfections- that unconditional love that comes first from parents - nope.  From a mother?  um, nope.  Parents are people first and they make mistakes but there are those that never bond, never fall in love with their children.  My mother had me when she was 19 years old and "had" to get married to a mean man who was my sperm doner.  All i remember of him is that he made my mother cry a lot, and he liked to hit.  I was forced to go with him on a few visitations which have left me forever with the fear of heights, (jump i'll catch you) and the memory of having to bring coffee cans filled with pennies to my mother (child support) and on another occasion a check written on toilet paper, also child support. I remember this because I made my mother cry when i gave it to her.  My father was a class. act.  and therein began my relationships with men.   But now i want to talk about my mother.....first.  yes, please imagine a heavy disgusted sigh because the only reason i'm opening this box of memories is because my therapist has suggested to me that my little bubble needs to be burst where my feelings about good old mom are concerned.

Therapy seems to think my life has been so busy with all the living i've been trying to keep up with, that i've lied to myself about being okay and having moved on with all the mother issues.  I personally called it making peace and not losing any more sleep over being completely and utterly abandoned by my mother at the age of 16 (well to be honest at birth although she was physically present) Therapy believes that because my children have flown the coop, my job is relatively secure and peaceful, and my living conditions are stable that time has chosen to bite me in the ass rather than reward me with peace.    Kind of like getting sick on vacation.  

So i'm going to begin writing a lot of things that will probably make me sick and might finally be purged.  I honestly don't know what the point of rehashing the past is, considering it's not going to be changed and certainly not fixed.  How much making peace with it do i need to do?  I've had all of the feelings already.  Doing it again makes very little sense to me but i like my therapist so i'm going to try it her way and try not to complain about it.

My mantra has always been "don't go back".  Once i've moved along i do it with a vengeance. But fuck it.  I'm game.  It's not like i'm being asked to go back to an ex.  Because that's where i draw the line, even if others don't.    If you have given birth to me, and had some responsibility in the making of my DNA and odd quirks, you may treat me poorly and i will work through it over and over and over again because it seem like the respectful thing to do.  There will definitely be too much information and there will be the implied eye rolls and heavy sighs. 

a lesson on impermanence

Memorial Day weekend usually finds us in New Hampshire with friends.  "We" being a group of our friends who all own a party house together, my boyfriend of 12 years and myself.  Through the years our activities have changed, but the underlying vibe is to hang out with good company, away from work and chores and electronics and just RELAX.  There is also almost always tag-sales and flea markets to stop in and check out.  This year was no different.

The whole field was covered with flea market tables, tents and vehicles.  As far as i could tell in a quick glance there was nothing there I was going to be interested in.  I have this horrible fear that I will become a hoarder, therefor I have a bad habit of throwing everything away- so what is the point in buying?  I do, however, collect Buddha's (and more recently elephants) both because they bring me joy.  Simple.  I bought my first Buddha years ago in West Virginia, believe it or not.  Since then he keeps popping up and i don't ignore things that keep popping up.  My rule is that if i find more than one, in a thrift store, antique shop, flea market- wherever, I can only take one.  I don't know why.  It feels wrong to me to take more than one.

Back to the flea market- I eventually found a table filled with the kind of items i like- an olive wood mortar and pestal being the first thing to slow me down to come see what else might be found here.  The people, an older couple, were smiling and friendly.  I liked them immediately.  Not that i like or dislike people immediately, i just don't normally "take" to perfect strangers within moments.  We got to talking, and they told me this was their first time trying to sell at a flea market. (I had commented that their prices were almost too low)  They were clearing out their house that they had lived in for almost 50 years because they were downsizing.  I told them i'd love to go shopping in their home.  She picked up an elephant that had been hand carved by a friend of theirs, his initials on the back.  It was meant to be- and i told her i had started collecting elephants and asked if she happened to have any Buddha's?  Her whole face lit up and she walked me down the table to show me a small framed starving Buddha that had been hand painted on a see through leaf.  It was gorgeous.  And it was affordable.  She told me when they had purchased their home all those years ago the woman who owned it previously had left them the Buddha as a housewarming gift.  She told me it was in a flat box and it had taken her years to finally find the "right" frame.  She was really happy it was going to someone who would appreciate it.  I love random connections with strangers like these.  

I left my booty in the vehicle when we returned to the house, not wanting to forget to bring it home. A little while later D and a few others decided they were going fishing and D drove his truck.  I thought nothing of it.  The next morning, when i came downstairs D approached me and said "you are going to kill me and i'm so sorry"........which is never a good way to start the day.  What could have possibly happened so early in the morning in New Hampshire?  Then he told me he had taken all our stuff out of the truck to make room for people to sit when the went to go fishing.  He had been in a hurry and had put everything under the parked truck next to his (that he knew wasn't going anywhere) to "protect" it until they returned, and he could put them back in the truck.

Well he forgot to put the items back in the truck.

One of our friends didn't look under the truck before he started it, and backed up over everything.

My Buddha was demolished.  The broken glass had shredded the leaf.  To say i was angry is an understatement.  I saw red.  This was a once in a lifetime find.  It could never be replaced.  And it had been left on the ground and run over.  For fishing.  I suggested to D that if he didn't smoke so much pot he probably wouldn't have put the stuff under a truck, and then forgotten it.  He knew enough to walk away as I tried not to blow my shit up. 

I was really in a rip.  I'm talking, furious.  And then all at once, I thought to myself "it's a thing.  just a thing.  And every thing is impermanent." I literally felt the anger lift out of my body.  Yes, it sucks that i didn't have it anymore but I had the experience of it.  There was no evil intent in D's actions, it had been a mistake.  So i let the anger go.  And I made sure D knew i was over it and I was not angry with him.  We carried on with the day and the rest of the weekend.

But that's not the point to this seemingly pointless blog.

While we were away my sister-in-law was taking care of our kitties, making sure they were fed and had clean water.  She had asked me if I minded her transplanting some of her plants into our flower bed and i had been more than happy to oblige her.  I didn't realize she was going to do it that weekend and it was a nice surprise to come home to a a pretty flower bed.  We entered the house with all our bags and weekend stuff and threw it on the kitchen floor to be dealt with later.  That's when i saw the three brass Buddhas sitting on my kitchen counter.

My brother in law (I call them in-laws because D and i have been together for 12 years and how does one identify the relatives of a spouse who minds well be married to you even if you both have NO desire to marry, anyone, period?) Anyways, my brother in law had found the three buddhas in his house, which used to be his grandmothers house.  They had been there for as long as he could remember, so a long time.  He polished them up (they fit into each other to stack) and left them for me.

So- three Buddha's instead of one, given to me instead of purchased.  All having a history, a personal story.  A lesson.

Drink this.

There is something i want/need to share with you- and i never thought i'd be excited about something like this but I am in awe right now over the seeming powers of Apple Cider Vinegar as a cure.

Around Christmas i began developing hives that rather than come and go (per usual) decided to stay and multiply.  The first appearance was on my chest, which is typical for me - and then spread over (and under) my breasts, ribs and stomach.  When they started showing up on my sides, reaching towards my back the man demanded that I go seek medical attention. I tried to go see my doctor (which is another blog in itself) and ended up instead at a walk in clinic where the "not really a doctor" who I like to refer to as "the health inspector" gingerly lifted my shirt and then ran (okay walked quickly) out of the room to go look up what he had seen on his computer.  I wish i had thought of that before walking in to pay someone a $50 copay to do what i could have done.  Anyways- diagnosis: I have a skin rash.  One that appears for reasons no-one is sure of and is not treatable, it just goes away in about 12 weeks.  It happens to women, usually in their 30's (I'm always behind the times) and it's not contagious or bacterial but might have been caused by a virus.  maybe.  

I can take Benedryl every 6 hours for the next 10ish weeks (fun!) or I can take Allegra which will help the itching, but neither will make the rash go away. This rash is so NOT pretty to look at and it sure doesn't feel comfortable. 

I'm a picker. and a itcher.  and a midnight bitcher.  I can't just sit and wait out an unknown rash on my body for 10 more weeks, so I get on that handy dandy internet thingy that the health inspector seemed to enjoy so much and start reading.  I wish i could say  trying the apple cider vinegar was my idea but it wasn't.

A friend (and co-worker) reminded me that she had taken the Bragg's Apple Cider Raw Vinegar with the mother to get rid of a skin irritation she had that the dermatologist couldn't help her get rid of. (he must had had the same browser)  I figured "what the hell, it can't hurt" so i went out and bought a bottle mildly grossed out with the slimy stuff at the bottom that is the absolute most important part of it all.  

Let me tell you- it does hurt.  It hurts like hell if you do what i did, which was slug a shot glass full of it down the back of my throat.  Do NOT do this.  Do not cut corners, or try to save time or "be brave". First of all, it does hurt, and then it makes you feel nauseous and it's really bad for your teeth (the enamel not the gritting). I know there are some tough guys out there that will want to just shoot it and i hope you think of me when you do.  Think of me laughing my ass off at you because friends don't say "i told you so".

Anyways-  Day one almost decided me to never do that again but i swear to you that when i woke up the next morning there was a difference.  Not a magical "all better" difference but a definite improvement.  Day two I added two tablespoons to a glass of room temperature spring water and drank that down. Much better. The measurement is a random choice due to no real prescribed amount that varies between 2 tsps daily to 2 tbsps before every meal, depending on what you are using it for and what website you are reading.  Two tablespoons sounds safe to me, once a day, probably forever more now that i've read about all the benefits and virtually zero side affects.

Here I am on day three of the great experiment and there is a noticeable improvement in the rash.  It still itches and it's still not pretty but the redness is duller and it appears less "angry" if that makes any sense to your imagination.  This morning I added cinnamon, a few drops of lemon juice and about a 1/2 tsp of pure maple syrup to my 2 tablespoons of ACV along with the bottle of spring water and it does in fact taste like i'm drinking a slice of apple pie - with a bite to it.  I found that in a youtube video for all the snobs that think youtube is just for people beneath them.  It's saving my tastebuds AND it's even healthier because Cinnamon has it's own healthy properties and this is a good way to incorporate it into a daily diet.  Also, and maybe most important- drink through a straw because just do. 

Yuck! I just wrote a blog about food kinda.  But it had that gross element of rashes and itching so it's okay, i haven't turned into the merry house-maker yet.  (ever)  

Have you been on the road long?

My new years resolution is literally to say "fuck off" more often. 

Fuck off to useless tasks, to worrying about situations that aren't mine to change, to owning other peoples emotions, to unrealistic expectations. Fuck off to explaining myself to anyone, fuck off to being patient, to feeling fat, to worrying about wrinkles.  FUCK OFF to  anyone who doesn't appreciate my humor, my questions, my interest or my attention.  Fuck off uncomfortable pants, painful shoes, hair dye, push up bra's and fake nails.  Fuck off boring movies, badly written books and cable television!   Angry, humorless, mean spirited people......fuck off.

I had a week off between Christmas and new years and i tried to jam seeing all my friends and family in that i haven't been able to spend time with because i waste so much time on stupid shit.

No more.

Fuck off anything that does not serve me, please me or need me. 

How's that for a resolution?