Toms facebook picture is awful. Truly awful. And when i found him on facebook i couldn't care less what his picture looked like.
It was Tom. For my senior year all i did was look for him in the Berlin High School hallway and smoking area. He was a bad boy with a lot of friends. He wore a leather jacket, jeans, had long hair and a long goatee....yes, in high school.
I was smitten.
But i also was living with my boyfriend and his family and that was why i was spending my senior year in a highschool where i knew no-one.
If i had been a normal teen, with a normal life.........i wouldn't have met him. But i also would have been able to date him if i DID. What a fucked up situation i was in.
An 18 year old should never have to decide the future of her life based on keeping a roof over her head and pressure from all around her to stay with her boyfriend.
It should have never happened. I should have been guided. I wasn't. Not one person helped me grow up to be MYSELF.....it was always to the benefit of someone else that i was alive. My life was never mine.
And maybe thats why i have attached to men. To the dream of wanting to pick my life and thinking it had to be WITH someone.
The only thing i don't regret about marrying my hs boyfriend is having my children. They are my reason for not regretting my entire life and many times, they have saved me, without knowing it.
I understand that i have always been man focused, and that I did not give them the time and attention they needed, and deserved. I have no valid excuse. If i could do my life over i would do that part different. I would figure out earlier that men complicated my life, they didn't make it easier, they didn't help me or protect me..........they were an escape from lonliness and feeling unloved and alone.
I have always just wanted to be the one, to be enough, for ONE person to share my life with. Someone who cared about me as much as i cared about them An adult to share life with
And i chose badly each time. My ex D was a free spirit not to be tied down and that is exactly what i tried to do. We were doomed from the start and his mother told me that on several occassions. She said "you know it's not forever" and "It's never going to be permanent" and "you are not going to end up together"........throughout our 13 year relationship
And then they wondered why i got so upset around the holidays, because i had no permanent family that looked at me like i needed them too..........always aside from my children who were and are my entire family.
I made bad choices, and some good things came from each one. But i would love to finally do it right.
Maybe Tom, who is still handsome and very physically fit, is my future. Or maybe not. We won't know until we find ourselves looking back over the years and saying "wow, we made it"....
He makes no bones about not wanting to waste another 40 years not being together. He says the most romantic and loving thing to me and it doesn't feel like love bombing. It feels like we are both relieved to have finally come full circle. And i feel at peace, and very much excited at the same time.
Who knows what the future holds. One day at a time. But it's nice to look forward to him.
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