Some moments i'm finally comfortable with the fact that we are together and then, as is the norm with us, something will happen that makes me feel so totally out of control that i begin to question what the hell i'm doing.
I need to be able to control myself, my own life and maybe that's why i've been single for so long with nothing every turning into an actual relationship that lasts. I only felt that want with Mr. Tattoo, where i could picture relaxing my guard, and trusting a man to do as he says, and be who he represents himself to be. Not perfect, but honest. Real.
Good bad and dark side.
I knew with other men immediately when it wasn't going to work no matter how much i tried to close my eyes to what i was seeing or hearing, or feeling. I'm not good at pretending. I was cutthroat, never dragging the process of letting them go on. Short sweet, done. No further contact.
And maybe thats why this situation with Mr. Cigar has been so highly charged and emotionally taxing...i haven't had control of myself for as long as i've known him, with or without him. He is engraved into my brain, and i hear his voice when i haven't spoken to him in weeks. And i keep going back.
I'm where i want to be with him at this moment. I will not be pushed faster than i can move.....and that is the only thing i am positive about. Too much is at stake and my level of trust needs to be refueled and solidified before i make any big moves.
And he has business to finish with his ex. She still lives in his headspace. I'm glad he talks to me about what is happening, and how he is feeling, but at the same time i wonder why everything has to be so fuckin hard.
Also, will he ever look at me and not think about when we met and all this shit that isn't "ours" IS part of our lives together? More so, will I?
One day at a time and sometimes one moment at a time. My trust in his words and how his actions match, or don't.......that is where my interest currently resides.
Such a nice night together last night, and then the rollercoaster ride of what he still has to contend with for knowing her.
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