I can't keep waiting

 for the other shoe to drop.  

So far, it hasn't.

Aside from the one disagreement Tom and i had, over something i told him that he did NOT like......which in reality, he shouldn't if he cares for me.........we haven't had any issues.  Yes, i'm purposely being obtuse.  There is something in my past that came about in conversation while we were taking gummies....and he had a difficult time with it.  I became immediately defensive, which didn't help.  But we talked it out the following day and he has a better understanding.  Sometimes the movies are just the movies, and not real life.  Thats all i'm gonna say about that.

We spent the day at the Berlin Fair together with his boys checking in with him periodically - I got to spend some time with them and him.  He calls me, texts me, talks to me about real things, listens to my long ass stories (I have shortened them because he is so patient) and he remembers things i've told him.  We are getting to know each other, again.  

Yesterday afternoon he came over with his youngest, 13, and we watched football and i tried to do paper mache.  I brought out my clay and they were playing around with it while we talked.  Then they went home.  His son wasn't ready to go.  I think thats a good sign.

Tommy told me we had to talk about a few things the next time we are alone......and i have a good idea what it's about.

First i want to say this.  Out of all the men i've dated he has every attribute that i have been attracted to in other men.  Besides the above, he brought me flowers, red roses.  He made me a trinket box and he is always bringing over little gifts for me.  He doesn't trauma dump.  He doesn't make excuses for his behavior because he hasn't acted in a way that needs it.  What a nice change.

He loves Koda.  

With all that said, I find myself in the same situation i was literally just in with Mr. Cigar.

There is a woman at home.  

The mother of his children.

He told me about her the first time we talked.  That his life is "complicated".  Oh, how i hate that word.  

He said she lives downstairs, has her own room and he and the boys live upstairs.  They coexist but have no relationship outside of the boys.

That sounds pretty typical for two people who have been together for 17 years.

They aren't married. They are together because they got pregnant unexpectedly,  So he bought a house, and set up a life with her to raise their son. They had a second son.  He wanted a family.  He didn't know she had a serious drug problem - and it all blew up in his face when the police raided their home and she was arrested while he was at work.  

Tom has been married before, once, and had an amicable divorce with his ex wife.  They carried on for another 4 years after they divorced.  He just couldn't live with her, they were young, and he wanted to settle in and she wanted to go out and party.  He doesn't want to get remarried.  He did it already.  He has the same attitude about it that i do....."why get married?".

When everything blew up with this current woman, he told her he was only there for the boys, that they were done.  It's his house.  She doesn't work.  She is also very depressed and sick since she got off the drugs 7 years ago.  She does nothing.  He said her health is really bad, that she smokes on an oxygen machine and has no relationship with him or the boys.  

It sounds horrible.

The boys really don't have a relationship with her.  Tom raised them.

He says he needed help with them.  He needed someone home with them while he went to work.  His mom had passed, his brothers both had their own problems going on and his sister had a very ill husband.  He had no one he could trust to help him raise the boys.  So he tolerated her being there.

Yes, i understand that this is one sided.  And that she may have a very different story.  And i remain nuetral because i don't know her, and I really don't want to get involved in another fucked up situation where there is a man going back and forth lying to two women.

However, the boys are very aware of me and seem to like me.  They have made comments about their mother always sleeping and that it's always been them and their dad.

I still reserve judgement.  

Tom wants us together, and .............so do I.  But i don't want to rush into another situation that isn't what it seems.

He said it's time for her to move out of the house.  She had nowhere to go previously, and he wasn't going to just kick her out with her health being the mother of his sons.  But her brother has done very well for himself, and has apartments she can rent.  He says it's time. 

He assures me it has nothing to do with me other than he wants a different life.  He hasn't been living aside from working and raising the boys.  He wants a relationship.  And then i sent him a message and we talked and met up....he said he's not letting me get away a second time.

I'm in no rush.  I do have feelings for him.  But i need time for the excitement to wear off and see what is really there between us.  The chemistry is off the charts, we naturally treat each other very well, even the fact that he has sons that are young doesn't bother me because HE is raising them.  

so thats where im at right now.  I think about Bill and all the bullshit i went through and i want to go back and tell myself that i shouldn't have to fix a man or a situation.  I shouldn't have to be the one he dumps all his trauma on, as if i don't have my own vested interest in the outcome.

I just don't want a repeat.  Tom is worth it to me to be patient, but i don't want to be caught up in the dissolution of there living arrangment.  I told him i wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't take it as well as he seems to think she will.

Time needs to pass and I need to watch.