lets be clear

 Last night i went to Mr. Cigars after I had dinner and spent some quality time with Koda.  I felt bad leaving him home alone after i had been at work all day, but it's not fair to make Mr. Cigar leave his dogs every night either.

So one thing i'm seeing is that our dogs have to get to know each other.  It's not going to work for long if they can't be together.  I'm not willing to leave Koda alone all the time and he isn't willing to leave his pups either. (as it should be)  Given that his dogs are Corso's and i forget what River is, but she isn't a year old yet.  I have less anxiety about her than i do the Cane and Able. They might be all puppied out because River is a LOT.  

Last night he referred to me as his girlfriend.  He also asked me what my "endgame" is with him.  So we talked about it. About a lot of things. Then we went upstairs (I want nothing to do with that couch in his living room) and watched TV until he started snoring.  I passed out for a few hours and then went home.

It felt comfortable. normal. good.

While we were talking this morning I told him i realized i had never had a "status" for as long as i have known him.  I've never been titled as anything. He asked me if i title is important to me and i said yes it is, but the feelings behind it are more important.  I said i didn't want to walk around calling myself single and i didn't want him to either.

So. We are not single.  We are a couple.

We are a new relationship.  We had the official talk of understanding what we want, and came out with the same version.  Hallelujah.  

However, i am wary.  I was able to go through the reasons why with him.  Our start was not good, and our relationship has been tumultous.  We need to communicate better than we do because "the stressful times" have not come to a final end yet.  It might resolve itself on Thursday when he goes to court.  Or it might not.

Either way, he has to come to the very real truth that you don't just "get over" someone in a few days or by replacing them with someone else.  

It has felt different this time.  I know in my heart that his story with her is not over.  This is part of his life, good bad and/or ugly.  He has a messy ex.  I have a choice to walk away or stay.

There is also the fact that my friends are not fond on him due to how he has treated me in the past.  They want the best for me. They don't like how he has hurt me. (hell neither do i) 

My kids know next to nothing about him.  They know very little about me at all lately.  That is going to have to change.  I'm done being respectful of their privacy.  I want to know what the hell is going on in their lives and why i'm not part of it anymore.

Back to Mr. Cigar.  I'm not blind, or stupid but i do know i keep going back to him.  There is a reason for it.  I'm timid to say i love him because it feels like so much more.  He feels like home to me.  Even when he's being a dick, i identify with his ........dark side.  I understand his chaos because i have my own.  I know his damages.  I don't care for how he protects himself, but i understand it.

I was very blunt with him about the biggest problem we have is how he handles his anger and my triggers.  They are in direct conflict.  He withdraws suddenly and completely and that triggers my abandonment issues.  As old as we are, i don't know how we are going to get past that.

He's going to get mad again, i'm going to get triggered again.......we have to figure out how we can avoid killing or leaving each other during those moments.

The road ahead, is one day at a time.  My friends are going to have to understand this is my choice and what i want.  Mr. Cigar is going to have to understand that they have seen me hurt by him, and they are protective because they love me.  Time will tell.  I am not going to keep him a secret. I will not be kept secret.

In all relationships I take a chance of being hurt. I have had walls up around me since D an I broke up 10 years ago.  I'm not the girl that begs for love anymore.  I'm the woman that runs when it looks like I might start caring too much about someone who isn't showing me they care about me.  Both extremes are not doing me any service.

I need to be able to accept love as it's given, and use my words to express my needs if they aren't being met.  Not with sarcasm, not with accusations or assumptions.  Just plain and simple.  And i need to be able to trust.

He is going to have to keep his end up and now that we both know where we are coming from without dancing around the bush, or another person, we can begin to figure out what tomorrow looks like.