going through all the chaos and drama and feeling like i'm completely out of control emotionally and physically and then one day it all comes to a head and there is no going back.......then there is quiet. A whole big space of nothing where longing and regret used to slip in......but now, nothing. Just a very clear vision of the crazy ride i was on, that i actively chose to be on......hoping it would end in a fairy tale moment.
but i'm not a princess and he was certainly no knight. He was never going to pull my onto his white horse and ride into the sunset with me. He was going to end up killing me eventually - and now i know how sneaky abuse is, how it dresses up as one thing to pull you in and even if you are smart, and experienced and run your own life you can be fooled. Anyone can be.
I kept going back and he kept stalking me when i left. It was a vicisious cycle of hope and disapointment. No matter how well i was getting to know myself, i couldn't possibly know him.
And now i have a full protective order against him and he's been arrested twice, and i told the police about the guns he didn't turn in. Because he's not safe. And he'll be the first person to tell you that. I finally believe him.
My ex was a big help, letting me have a meltdown and then encouraging me to do what i thought was best. He didn't tell me what to do aside from stop hanging out with assholes. Solid advice. But he was who i thought of when i needed help and he gave it to me by simply being supportive. I won't forget that.
Sarah and i went out friday night to see a cover band of Fleetwood mac, the Eagles and Tom Petty. It was a good night. I invited Cindy to come and she actually did do something spontaneous and join us. Eddie was there with his new girl and they invited us to sit with them The bar was packed. I felt very lucky to have this life and these friends and the ability to go out and be happy.
The day after the assault and arrest i went on facebook and scrolled my highschool reunion page. I found Tom, a boy I had wanted to date, but couldn't because of my fucked up situation of living with my boyfriends family when my mother threw me out of the house at 16. That was a mouthful. If i hadn't been in that situation i would have wanted to date Tom. I reached out to him. We chatted and then we met Saturday night for drinks and apps which turned into hours talking and then he kissed me at my car...........for a long time.......
I invited him to watch a movie with me yesterday and we talked for hours again......and this weekend i'm going to the berln fair with him, the town we went to school together in and graduated from. And both his boys. Next weekend i'm going to the class reunion with him as his date. I didn't know anyone well enough to want to go on my own. I was only there senior year.
And now we are trying to make up for the past 40 years of not being together. It feels so surreal that the timing is finally right. Neither of us is with someone for the first time at the same time. We can't stop talking about all the things we want to do, and what we were doing without each other...and how much and how little we have changed.
No games. No gaslighting. Just......that feeling of finally. The more we talk we laugh about each others memories of each other. He remembers details that floor me.
Maybe this is our chance. We are going to see. And with all the recent happenings i'm startled to find myself feeling peaceful, and happy and looking forward to what happens next.
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