Brief brief which will be long long

 i did it again.

I hope I've learned my lesson and can move forward with some insight and experience, and that the memories will fade but not completely disappear.

I've never called the police for myself, and found out that i'm pretty good at it.  I'll be sure to do it again in the future if need be.  At 58 years of age i have a protective order against Mr. Cigar.   It' a full no contact protective order so he cannot contact me in any way shape or form.

Let me begin by saying this past weekend was damn near perfect.  I began seeing my life with him in the future....keeping house, enjoying the dogs, being outside in the woods on walks, and actual sex because he's finally got it working. Woo. After more than a year we had actual intercourse.  Too much information?  Hell no, it shows that i have actual feelings for this man.  I've been around through all the ups and downs, and it wasn't about being dickmatized. That is important.  

He was relaxed, attentive (for him) and we actually felt like a couple.  I did, however, remind myself that we have had really good times together before with immediate chaos following.  Like he can't stand to be happy with me and must sabotage it. He must always keep me insecure.  He would say i'm in my head, and i will respond with yes, memories.  

Tuesday night i met him at his house for pizza, which i brought, because he was supplying the adult beverages.  I got there before him, and Koda and i took a potty walk.  He was a very happy boy.  Mr. Cigar arrived, we ate pizza off the back of the truck because we were starving.  As we were eating he began roughing up Koda, a lot more than i would.  I was uncomfortable, asked him if that was necessary, and he said i was making my dog gay.  (So here's where i should have ended the night)  

Koda began drooling heavily which he never does, and had only done at Bills house due to the excitement and nerves of being there.  Bill continued to harrass him, making him growl.  Again i told him to stop.  Again he ignored me.  I felt the storm clouds move in.

We ended up taking the dogs outside, and sitting in the chairs side by side underneath the biggest tree that views most of his beautiful 5 acre property.  It was exactly what i want.  Peace.  Until he decided to start bonking Koda on the head with the chuck it dog toy he was using to throw the ball. 

It's a long handled flexible plastic whip.....the top that holds the ball is hard.  Thats what he was hitting on Koda's head.  When i told him to stop he only laughed wildly and continued to to it more.  I put my hand over Kodas head and and he hit me too.......i can say it hurt like a bitch and it wasn't my head.  

I was angry.  I held koda and stood up from the chair and then he whipped the back of my legs.  To say i saw stars....i was shocked, i was angry, in pain, shaking....trying not to cry and trying to understand how a man could sit there looking like a mean little bully boy.....enjoying my upset and wanting more.

He is not right in the head.

I said i didn't understand how anyone had stayed with him for as long as they had, that he enjoyed scaring and torturing women, and that this was why he was alone.  He scares people.  He said his ex Melissa scared him.  I said she must have been a brute if she could handle him.  

His face turned black, and if i thought he looked mean before that i was wrong compared to this.  I began to walk away towards the back of the house with koda in my arms.  He told me to shut the fuck up, not to talk about his fucking exes and to get the fuck out.....I came as close to running as i can.

I realized my keys were in the house, so i went in the back door and both corsos came running out....agitated because i was holding koda and because they probably heard us yelling outside.  Able ran out the door and into the yard and knowing he needs a leash i yelled for him to COME, HOUSE...and shocker, he listened.  I saw Bill come around the corner of the house with rage on his face......i was scared.  This was unsafe and i was going to get hurt.  I knew it.

I closed the door behind me, ran into the kitchen as he was coming into the house........grabbed my keys and ran out the side door.  I realized i didn't have kodas leash and thought fuck that, i'm not going back. I hurried to my car, shaking, trying not to have a meltdown before i could get the fuck out of there.  While i was attaching koda to the seat (he doesn't do well in the car) Mr. Cigar came out of the garage yelling and angry, he threw the leash at my car.  I reached out and grabbed it then took off down the driveway before he decided to approach me.  

It's sounds like nothing while i'm writing this.  And it felt like i was running for my life.  Once i got into town i pulled over and tried to process what had just happened. I was shocked that the situation had escalated so quickly because i had told him NO. to stop.  

I had welts on the back of my thighs.  Then i got mad.  I texted him that he ruined himself, referring to what his ex said when she had him arrested in JULY - that she was going to ruin him.There was no physical marks on her to prove he had pushed her, and that saved him.

This is when clarity literally ripped across my brain.  This fucker thinks he has a right to put his hands on people, to hurt people.  He thinks he can get away with everything because he believes he is smarter than everyone else.  He has no empathy, only sees how he "should" act to impress people.......but has no soul.

So i called the police, who told me to come in and i did.  They even took koda outside to potty for me because i was there for a while.  They arrested him.  Told me that he was told not to contact me and that he had court the following morning.  I went home and blocked him and his business from my cell phone, and all social media.  I was in shock. Still, at the speed of which things had gone south.

I started to second guess myself.  Did i over react?

No.

He has escalated with me, and it would only continue to get worse.  The police officer told me.  So it's true.

I've seen the movies, saw the news, read the books........and never thought it would be me.  Thats because they aren't stupid enough to walk up and smack you......they warm you up to the abuse.  It starts slow and small, and then it escalates......and you feel crazy.  And they tell you you are crazy.  It's fucked up.  I wish i didn't understand.

Yesterday morning i was on a teams call for work and i saw that i had a missed call from him.  How??? i had blocked him, he wasn't supposed to contact me.........but there it was.  So i called the police, and had to go back down to the station and file another report.

Between his previous arrest, and now these two arrests........he has fucked his own life up.  All he had to do was be a decent man and keep his hands to himself.

And thats the short story.