Maybe i'm getting it finally

 I could have been hurt and upset, defensive even angry just now when i was told that the fact that i do not live alone has taken a possible relationship off the table.

He has his feelings of the way things should be in order for him to be comfortable and happy, and that's okay.  I don't have that to offer.  I haven't ever had my living situation be the reason someone didn't want to get to know me better....i guess it come down to what i have to offer being more important than who i am.  

Maybe i should have told him living in a van down by the river would be perfectly okay with me as long as i have my family and friends in my life.  Next time i date someone, i'm going to lead with that.....

Renting with my gf has probably been the single best thing i've done for myself over the past few years.  I'm not alone,  we are there for each other while we live our own separate lives and i'm saving money while being able to purchase what i need AT THE SAME TIME.  I'm paying my bills, i can breathe..i can sleep at night.  I'm not sorry for making this decision to better take care of myself.   

How i live, is happy.  Not overdrawn, or lonely, or to impress anyone.  I know it's a healthy way to live because i don't care if "men won't like" that i don't live alone............They dont have to like it, i'm the one doing it. 

He's a nice guy that knows what he wants, and i don't have it.  I wish him well in his search for the perfect hostess.  

Me?  I'm gonna do me.  I'm not going to wonder if i pissed someone off, or offended him, or didn't respond quickly enough or correctly.  I'm not going to wonder when/if or why "he" hasn't called or texted.  

I did a thing, something other people probably do without thinking twice.  I purchased egyptian cotton sheets, a goosedown blanket and pillows, and duvet.........all in white.  White, white, white.......because i'm the only one sleeping in this bed and i don't have to worry about stinky feet or someones dirty ass marking up my sanctuary.....I will probably bring this set to the old folks home with me......and every penny i spent is worth it because it makes me ridiculously happy and i feel decandent and rich with pleasure.

I'm easy to please.  Always have been.  I used to wait for a man to come along that would make me happy.  Why wait?  I can do it myself.  If a man shows up that wants to get to know me, inside out and value the things in life that can't be bought..........i'll be ready.

Because like i told him, I want it all.  And i deserve it.  I can wait till that happens, and if it never does...i'm still happy.

It does occur to me that i have always and still do think a lot about men and relationships and what that means to me.  I always felt that without a partner, i was alone.  I was neglected by my mother, who i haven't spoken to in decades and have no idea if she is even still alive.  To be without your mothers love is .....crippling, when it comes to developing relationships with others.  I've bent over backwards and made serioulsly bad financial decisions for the wrong men, the kind of men that would allow me to, all to prove i am worthy of thier love.  

Believe it or not, other people are important in my life - more important, but to write about them (my children in case it's not clear) would be to infringe on their privacy- to share their information and life is not my right.  However, make no mistake who means the most to me, always has and always will.  My family.  

And that's all i'm going to say about that.  

Sunday sulk day

 Use your words.....great advice i either don't follow or take to new levels.

I have barely left my bedroom today, and that was to get coffee.  My bed is holding my fragile emotions today, with even my pup thinking i'm too much to deal with at the moment.  He has chosen to sleep in his crate although he checks on my whereabouts regularly, to make sure i haven't snuck out on him.

All he knows is that i'm the one that feeds, cuddles and walks (short walks) him.  I'm always happy to see him and he returns the favor, no questions asked.  When i come home from work he is there, wiggling his butt in a frenzy of happiness as i swoop him up and smother him with kisses and "what a good boy"s.  

I mean, is there really anything else needed in life?  Aside from oxygen, food and water.....probably not.

I never wonder if he thinks i'm attactive, if i said the wrong thing to him, if he is seeing other mama's......

When i don't hear from him i don't wonder if he's lost interest or if i'm on his mind at all.  I know he's home waiting for just me.  It's hard to offend him, unless he pees somewhere he knows better not too and i have to scold him.  He growls at me to let me know he does't like my tone, we agree that i'm the boss and he doesn't have to like it...and then we go back to loving each other.

When he tries to ignore me, i just swoop him up and give him a dose of mama lovins.....kisses and cuddles and cooing.  He gives me licks and i put him down, both satisfied with each others adoration enough to carry on with our day.

These expressions of love do not work with grown children or men.  

Grown children get lives that don't require your input, and grabbing them up, squeezing them and proclaiming your love for them is difficult to do when they are not around you 99% of the time.  They will allow it for a few moments when you DO actually see them, but only for a few moments.

If they see you. Or talk to you.  It seems pretty easy to get grown kids put out and upset by simply not giving opinions that aren't asked for.  

I had a mother in law from hell, and i swore i'd be nothing like her.  Guess what?  Doesn't matter.  I should have been the guilt giving, demanding, screamy type of mother - maybe then i'd see my kids, more wether they were happy about it or not.  

It's the pandemic.  So i'm told.  I can't help but feel hurt, disapointed and forgotten as everyone's lives carry on, myself included, but we don't seem to be able to connect.  I feel a certain anger hanging there, which i've tried to coax out into the open with no success.  All i can do is be here.  I will wait, keep trying to reach out and be mindful of crossing boundaries............the last thing i want to do is push so hard a door gets closed for good.

Thats my life at the moment.  I work.  I sleep way too much -  a side effect from COVID that i hope will eventually go away.  I remind myself that I actually enjoy the freedom of not answering to anyone other than myself, and that someday that will be enough. 

I've reconnected with a man I was seeing last year.......He's tall, clean cut, handsome in a Stalone way with a Nicholson presense.  IF that makes any sense.  I wasn't looking after deciding to take the summer off from dating..........and he re-appeared. We had ended abruptly before really getting started honestly.  This time,  I'm..treading lightly because i'm not looking to hand out any more tears for anyone.  

This day hiding in bed storing up on strength and thinking before acting or opening my mouth is a good idea.  I'm taking care of me.