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Sunday sulk day

 Use your words.....great advice i either don't follow or take to new levels.

I have barely left my bedroom today, and that was to get coffee.  My bed is holding my fragile emotions today, with even my pup thinking i'm too much to deal with at the moment.  He has chosen to sleep in his crate although he checks on my whereabouts regularly, to make sure i haven't snuck out on him.

All he knows is that i'm the one that feeds, cuddles and walks (short walks) him.  I'm always happy to see him and he returns the favor, no questions asked.  When i come home from work he is there, wiggling his butt in a frenzy of happiness as i swoop him up and smother him with kisses and "what a good boy"s.  

I mean, is there really anything else needed in life?  Aside from oxygen, food and water.....probably not.

I never wonder if he thinks i'm attactive, if i said the wrong thing to him, if he is seeing other mama's......

When i don't hear from him i don't wonder if he's lost interest or if i'm on his mind at all.  I know he's home waiting for just me.  It's hard to offend him, unless he pees somewhere he knows better not too and i have to scold him.  He growls at me to let me know he does't like my tone, we agree that i'm the boss and he doesn't have to like it...and then we go back to loving each other.

When he tries to ignore me, i just swoop him up and give him a dose of mama lovins.....kisses and cuddles and cooing.  He gives me licks and i put him down, both satisfied with each others adoration enough to carry on with our day.

These expressions of love do not work with grown children or men.  

Grown children get lives that don't require your input, and grabbing them up, squeezing them and proclaiming your love for them is difficult to do when they are not around you 99% of the time.  They will allow it for a few moments when you DO actually see them, but only for a few moments.

If they see you. Or talk to you.  It seems pretty easy to get grown kids put out and upset by simply not giving opinions that aren't asked for.  

I had a mother in law from hell, and i swore i'd be nothing like her.  Guess what?  Doesn't matter.  I should have been the guilt giving, demanding, screamy type of mother - maybe then i'd see my kids, more wether they were happy about it or not.  

It's the pandemic.  So i'm told.  I can't help but feel hurt, disapointed and forgotten as everyone's lives carry on, myself included, but we don't seem to be able to connect.  I feel a certain anger hanging there, which i've tried to coax out into the open with no success.  All i can do is be here.  I will wait, keep trying to reach out and be mindful of crossing boundaries............the last thing i want to do is push so hard a door gets closed for good.

Thats my life at the moment.  I work.  I sleep way too much -  a side effect from COVID that i hope will eventually go away.  I remind myself that I actually enjoy the freedom of not answering to anyone other than myself, and that someday that will be enough. 

I've reconnected with a man I was seeing last year.......He's tall, clean cut, handsome in a Stalone way with a Nicholson presense.  IF that makes any sense.  I wasn't looking after deciding to take the summer off from dating..........and he re-appeared. We had ended abruptly before really getting started honestly.  This time,  I'm..treading lightly because i'm not looking to hand out any more tears for anyone.  

This day hiding in bed storing up on strength and thinking before acting or opening my mouth is a good idea.  I'm taking care of me.


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