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Butt Hurt

I did it again.  Got exctied about somone i was talking to for a few days and actually believed he was sincere.  I did meet  him on POF so i don't know why i'm so surprised. He seemed smart, witty, on the same page....a little gun shy too.....I really didn't expect to get ghosted. 

The ability to read people used to be a skill i had, and it seems to have disapeared.  

The ones i like turn out to be either married or just liars, nothing what they represent themselves to be.  These same guys are the ones who complain about scammers, or being catfished.  

It's all complete bullshit.  Dating is dead.  Men just want to "meet up" and fuck.  As soon as they catch on to the fact that i'm not about that.......*POOF i get ghosted. 

Thing is they usually come sniffing around again a few days later, with some bullshit (and unwanted) excuse.  Thats when they get deleted, and blocked.  No answer.  You wasted enough of my time already and i'm not given you ONE more opportunity.  

Sex is easy to find, it's everywhere.  I could, and have, made a phone call and gone out to get what was needed.  It's not a dirty secret anymore that women can have their sexual needs met without the mess of a relationship. It's not just for you MEN anymore.....

But fucking isn't a relationship.  It's maintanence.   Not even close to what i want. 

I spent literally months going back and forth with a man who i actually felt kind of bad for.  This poor guy, worked all the time, third shift, and only relative was his mother in a different state.  He never tried to lead me into sexting, never asked me for more pictures, he was just a "normal" guy that had little time to date. So he SAID.  At one point before christmas i had said to him that there was no point continuing with the texting if we weren't going to meet each other.  So we stopped.  And then a couple of months later started back up again, i can't even remember why.  This time we are going to meet he says, and then OF COURSE his mother falls sick the weekend we are supposed to meet and blah blah...i go through the whole "Don't worry, we'll meet later, no biggie" only to find out later that the fucker is not only a liar, but an expert liar with no fucking remorse.  Sociopath.    

I'll say this.  My slueth skills are on point.  I know how to find shit out.  Even when i'm not even trying.  I always do a basic google search on someone i'm going to go out with and i don't make a secret of it.  I don't care what your finances are, i just don't take anyones word anymore that they are single or not a violent offender.  If you have a past of beating women up, i'm not signing up for the next round.  This guy had no digital footprint at all.  Until he did.  

That situation upset me not because of HIM so much but becuase I had fallen for the bullshit yet again.  And wasted my time, again.  Got excited about possibilities, again.  So am i learning here, or not? I'm not ready to give up.  I'm not desperate to find a man either.  Is it so wrong to want love?  The kind that actually feels good and isn't toxic or disfunctional?  I'd like to experience that before i die.

I love men that can't love me back.  No amount of therapy has cured me of that.  The difference is that i don't love myself less than them anymore.  I can love you from a distance and never speak a word to you again.  I do have boundaries to protect myself now.  Thats what therapy gave me.

I try not to take it personally, or let a few jerks ruin my outlook on men in general.  I'm still emotionally available, even if physically limited due to the pandemic. 

Anyway, back to doing me and not having to worry about being lied to or cheated on.  I can focus on work, and do whatever i want whenever i want without anyones approval or disapproval.  Or love.  


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