Finally

My voicemail has been full for .......a long time.  I haven't listened to messages in probably over a year.  Today, i not only listened to but deleted the majority.  I'm proud of me.

I didn't want to listen to what i should delete but didn't want to just delete everything without listening.  So.  I finally did it.

Now i feel stupid for stressing about something that was nothing.  Sometimes I build up things in my head to be a lot bigger than they are, or ever were.

I need room on my voicemail so i can get new messages.

On that note, i looked up my previous address online to see if there are still pictures and there they were, from when it went on the market.  My little house that i loved so much.  I showed Mike and while i was doing so i realized that I love our home.  It's old, it has character, it has details that others don't have and it needs love and attention.  Like us.  It's our, big home. 

Funny to think that things that meant so much, that filled my need in the past have been surpassed in my present.  I didn't even know i could hold so much in my life without having to fight for it.

Its when i stopped fighting and projecting that i finally found my happiness.  The fear of losing it is no longer larger than the joy of having it.

Finally.

It's a facial. Really.

Sitting at home literally, is making me a bit......not myself.  Surgery on my foot means hopping along with a walker (yes, a walker) because putting pressure or weight on my foot is a bigggg no no.  Fuck me.  I never appreciated being able to walk on two feet as much as i should have. 

My hands hurt more than my ankle, so sitting seems to be the goal.  I sit.  and i sit some more. It's not too bad when Mike is here because he talks to me, but once he goes to work i'm slipping into the coma of television, or ....Sims.  I admit it.  If i can't live in reality i'm gonna do it on the computer with made up characters.  I create the characters so i can build them houses.  Thats my favorite part so i'm not too ashamed or concerned.

Time alone gives you all this extra space to think.  Think, chew on it, get mad, get sad, feel relieved, grateful, bored, regretful and grossly happy.  Within the space of moments .  Because, normally that's all anyone really has to give to useless thoughts when there is SHIT TO DO. 

But.  When you are perfecting the art of sitting...thoughts take their time walking across your brain and sometimes they even turn into ideas.  Not all ideas are good ones.  Especially when in that moment you are visiting the past and you act on it in the present as if you can time travel.

Do not bust someones ass who you have not spoken to in a long time.  It isn't welcome.  It isn't okay.

See?   I learn something new every day even just sitting and staring at the wall! 

My sense of humor can be, harsh?  yeah.  Harsh.  But i think it's directed more at myself than outwardly most of the time.  No one can tear me down better than myself.

Blogging, writing it out, is mostly a good thing for me.  It might not be coherent to others, but thats fine, it doesn't need to be.  The problem with a lot of writing is a lot of thinking and mostly my thinking runs in circles, no cycles....it runs in cycles. 

And then i finally hit on a thing that has had scabs over it for so long that picking at it makes it bleed all over the place and i have to do something about it.  So i write, i rework, i remember, i forgive.  I don't forget, but i forgive.  It's all about releasing the toxins in my thoughts into writing and not holding it in my physical self taking up space. 

If you've ever had a facial you know that your skin feels fantastic when you leave the spa HOWEVER within hours your face can begin to break out in at least one of two pimples that were waiting there, below the surface, waiting for you to clear the way for their arrival.

Blogging is like that.  For me.  I take something out, look at it, put it into perspective, and then send it on its way.  The problem is, that makes room for more somethings to look at.  Again, and again. 

I'm kinda hoping that the somethings will eventually come to nothings so i can use that room to store the good things that are happening to me now.....for future reference.

So blogging is like a facial. Did you expect me to be poetic? 

Texting, is a privilege and  honestly, i'm putting myself on restriction.  At least until i can get to the spa for a full body massage.