secret

 I have a secret.  It's not mine to tell.  yet.  But when i say, it's the BEST secret in the world to me......

My home is a disaster area.  I sit here, in silence, typing away while the sink is full of dishes, the counter is scattered with food and debris, the living room has blankets and pillows strewn about all over the place, my dining room table is covered (again) with paints, crafts and oh look, unopened wine bottles...

I am alone again.

Everything about the last two days was perfect.  And this morning i cuddled my granddaughter for a few minutes in my bed (which, she loves my bed for some reason) while her mom packed up their bags and got ready to go.  We had coffee, we hugged a lot, and then the uber came (i do not argue that i will take them to the train any more, she is an adult and she can decide)  I stood in bare feet and yesterdays hair waving as they got into the car that took my girls away.

Yesterday, my son and his wife (the love of each others life) came for our Thanksgiving feast and the best feeling ever was that there was literally no prime rib left.  And i got a lot.  They scarfed it down because it was SO GOOD....i FINALLY cooked beef correctly, thank god.  My kids and their spouses are foodies - they grew up with my cooking and went out into the world to find goodness.  My granddaughter would ONLY eat the beef, several helpings.

Sounds dumb right?  But it made me so very happy.  I did a good job.  Amazing what happens with a good thermometer and lots of research.  And, okay, following directions.  I personally believe it came out perfectly because i poured all the love for my family into it.  Magic.

Usually i'm sad when all is said and done.  I miss them before they've left.  But this time, i know i'll be seeing  them all again very soon and that makes me so HAPPY.  It's not a manic happy.  Its peace in my center.  It's proudness that this is my family.  

Today, i will slowly clean up my home and i will most definitely take a nap.  I will hang the gingerbread cookie men that my daughter painted and i MIGHT decorate for christmas.  The tree looks pretty just as it is, with lights.  We'll see if i need to do any more than that later.

THIS is what living is for.  Appreciating these times.  This is what matters most.  The time we spend with the people we love cannot ever be replaced.  I don't like the saying "you never know if tomorrow will come" but .........you never know.  Life happens and we can appreciate the minutia, or we can let everything else take precedence.  It's those small moments that stay in our hearts forever.  Not the perfect prime rib.  I live in fear that "something" will happen to them, and yesterday I realized something IS happening to them.  They are loving and loved.  Forever.  That simple.  Even when we are all gone, there will have been that love.  

I'm not drunk.

Thanksgiving

 

How many white people order Thai food delivery on Thanksgiving?  We did.  And then we ended the night with watching the movie "Elf" and eating really bad for us popcorn.

There is a child wrapped up in Grandma's snuggly and that is my gorgeous daughter next to her.

Today my Son and his wife come and we will celebrate our family with a LOT of food and i plan on taking a nap somewhere in there.  I've been up since 5am waiting for the girls to wake up. (I put them in my room)  It' now 8am.  

I'm very happy

Thankful 2025

 Sitting here, doing watercolors as i wait patiently for my girls to arrive.  My granddaughter just woke up and they are catching the noon train.  

No worries.  Take your time.  This is a relaxing day to be grateful.  Time means nothing.  Just. Be.

I woke up excited.  This weekend my home will shelter my babies.  Grown ups, with lives of their own now.  But still those two children in footsies, "helping" me in the kitchen while the Thanksgiving Day parade played on the television.  The quiet time of day, before we were rudely forced out of our cozy home to go endure the family dinner which took place at a very specific time.  Or hell would break loose.

But that was then.  This, is now.  My son and his wife will arrive tomorrow, to spend the day and night - all of us together.  And for that, i cannot be any more grateful.  What more is there to want?

My coffee ritual in the morning - the pouring of it, the holding its warmth in my hands and the strong aroma unblemished by sugar or cream.  Pure coffee.  The taste, strong and slightly bitter on my tongue -heat sliding down my throat as my brain begins to clear up.  

A hot shower, water pounding on my back as i stand and just let it run over me.  The clean fresh scent of the shampoo i scrub into my scalp, slippery bubbles sliding down my back.  The face scrub that washes the wrinkles away in my mind and the rough african cloth covered in body wash, sloughing the dead skin cells off my body and down into the drain.  Leaving me smooth, and clean and smelling fresh.  Born new.

My home, where nothing matches on purpose and where every thing, every item, means something to me, has a story or a memory attached to it.  Or brings me comfort.  My books, my pictures of family and friends strewn about in places i will see them every day.  My blankets, cozy and warm and shared with friends who visit.  Candles that throw a gentle glow, and slight scent - shadows dancing beneath them.  My Alexa, yes, i am grateful for her too........she plays the music i want to match my mood.

Today i am so peaceful i should check my pulse.  Holidays are usually so hard, so sad, so underwhelming and yet they seem to get better every year recently.  What has changed?  My expectations, my "have to's" and letting go of what everybody else thinks a holiday should be.

What does it matter the exact day and time?  Family together, friends together, sharing food and drink - finding comfort in each others presence as the days grow shorter and darker, and the world becomes colder.......maybe meaner.  We take comfort in each other's existence. 

Friends and family that are no longer part of our immediate life, remembered with love.  Memories that can finally bring a smile and maybe a laugh now that the pain has subsided.  Time does that.  Even when the dull ache of loss remains, a lightness from memories of good times, silly times, comes to the forefront where they belong in celebration of the time we spent together.  They live on.  

I mourn the childhood of my children, where i was so busy surviving and providing that i forgot to enjoy.  And i revel in the time spent with my granddaughter where all i need to do is be with her, listen to her, hug and squeeze her until she laughs too hard.  Accept her little body as she slides up under my arm to cuddle.  My heart.  I don't know how it doesn't beat right out of my chest.

"I love you grandma".....the sweetest words no one ever told me would be the epitome of my life.

These are the thoughts that warm in my brain as i sit here doing watercolors on the day of thanks.

And i am grateful. 

Not this year

 Usually the start of the holiday season sets off a dark period for me for many reasons.

But NOT this year.

I'm so excited that my daughter and grandaughter will be here with me tomorrow and that on Friday my son and his wife will join us for our family thanksgiving dinner.  

Having my family with me makes me the happiest.  It is when i am most content.  I love to spend the time with my grandaughter, playing imaginary games, listening to her talk to me about her life (she is a miniature Lindsay) and to just listen to my grown children discuss politics and religion and talk about their views and lives .  They pick on each other and reminisce and tease the hell out of me and the mistakes i made along the way.......and i can't get enough.

My place is crone now.  They run the show and i'm happy to let them.  My opinion is given when asked for.  I am ridiculously proud of both my children and the adults they have grown into. The surpassed anything i could teach them a long time ago.  And now i learn from them.

Except for cooking prime rib.

That, i'm going to do with no input from them.  It's my one thing that i will contribute - aside from the greenbean casserole that was demanded.  They love that stuff.  

I pick up the roast today, and leave it in the fridge uncovered overnight so it gets "tacky".......that sounds gross, but i'll do it.  Then tomorrow i will rub her down with all the goodness to sit until friday.

And then the fun will begin.  

too much

 I didn't have to stress over when to tell Mister we aren't going to work out.  He handed it to me on a silver platter.

This past weekend I had made plans that did not involve him.  His birthday was on Sunday but he told me more than a few times that it was just another day.  I felt no obligation to make it a special day - partially because it would feed into his intensity that "we" are a couple.

I told him i would be away all weekend and didn't know when i'd be home sunday.  Even that felt like too much.  I don't answer to him.  

Friday night was at Eddies, and Mister texted a few times, and i ignored it.  I'm not on my phone all night when i'm with friends.  Saturday night i was at a metal concert with my friends drinking and whooping it up.......he texted me some long drawn out thing that i couldn't understand.  So thats what i said, "I don't get it".........and he then gave me some long explanation.......to which i responded "i'm drunk".

Leave me alone.

And thats when i had my little epiphany that if being friends with this man is this much, what would a relationship look like?  NO.  And so it was confirmed.  I was not ever going to have romantic feelings for this man.  And i knew i'd have to tell him. But not while i was drinking.

No, instead i drunk texted Carlos.  

The next day, i texted Mister a happy birthday.  And then i went about my day.  I did not tell him when i arrived home, or try to see him or call him.  I did not want to.

And i no longer do what i don't want to do where men are concerned.

Previously, Mister had given me some shit about not answering his texts, or taking too long to answer. I told him that I was never going to answer all his texts , which are multiple and that I would respond if i felt it warranted a response when i was damn good and ready.  I also told him that he had every right to expect and want whatever his heart desired, and the perhaps, he should consider that while thinking of me as his potential partner.

Did he get it? No.

I have been clear as day since day one, and with multiple conversations of "this is not my focus, i am not promising you anything"..........and it all fell on deaf ears, even when he repeated it back to me.  Why?  Because he hasn't changed from the man he was 3 years ago when i broke up with him then.  It was all about what he wanted, and moving at full steam ahead to get there, regardless of what i was saying to him.

I bring this up because last night he called me and i was sleeping 1/2 an hour after i came home from work.  I was tired.  I fell asleep and didn't wake up again until late.  And i knew he was mad.  And that shouldnt' have even been a thing.  So when he called tonight, and i was half asleep relaxing.......i answered the phone to get this over with.

And he launched into a 5 minute speech of his feelings about this weekend and my lack of interest, blah blah blah.........and when he finished i told him he was right.  It wasn't going to work with us, and then i told him a few reasons why he was the same man he used to be - and he didn't know how to read a room.  Then i gave him the example of him knowing i was just waking up for his call and he launched into a tirade........wrong fucking move buddy.

There was a period in my life where i allowed men who were important to me to speak down to me, or disrespect me, and those days are long over.  I'm not your child, you will not scold me like one.  You can fuck right off.

Talk to me.  Use your big boy words, but don't EVER talk down to me.

So i handed him his ass, in the most polite and clear way........And that was that.  Finit.  And NO, mister, I do not want you to feed my cat while i'm on my cruise.

I feel so much better.  Free.  

I'm single and staying that way until a man makes me tingle the way Carlos does. I can't respect a man who behaves like a lovesick woman.  When i started seeing myself in Misters actions, it was a huge turn off.  Both because he's supposed to be the man and I don't want to ever be that kind of woman again.

I had fun texting with Carlos but i also am very aware that my feelings are not now, nor have they ever been, shared.  What i wanted with him was a relationship.  What i accepted just to be near him was a situationship.  And I got hurt.  But he told me.  

Now, he wants entertainment.  And i can't do that without giving a part of myself up to him.  And i won't do that.  Today was fun, and now it's done.  I'm not giving myself, or my feelings away to any man who hasn't earned them.  Not even him.

I didn't go on 52 first dates this year, like i said i would.  I could have, but the quality of men just isn't good enough for me.  That sounds snotty and .........i don't care.  I'm worth more than being bulldozed into a relationship i don't want, and being a sexting buddy.  

I want it all baby.  And any man would be lucky to have me.  I'm glad i finally caught on to that.  I'M the catch.  These men want so much less than what i offer.  They should continue to date what they are comfortable with.  Because i'm never going to dumb myself down or let a man treat me as less than I am just to keep him. 

"My" man will be perfect in my eyes.  And i won't be able to stop touching him.  And i will be amazed at everything he does, and think he walks on water.  Because IN MY EYES, he will be everything good in my world.  

If not, then he's not the one.  

Goodnight.

2 in a day

Well, its confirmed.  Carlos is still in a relationship.  So that blows that little fantasy right out of the water.  Was nice to flirt, but i'm all set. 

I'll talk to Mister tonight and let him know its never going to happen between us.  

And that clears my plate for the new year.

I know what i want. I'm not settling for anything less than that wonderful electric alive feeling i get when I interact with Carlos.  He's with someone and flirting.  Not what i would have expected from him.  Maybe he's not getting everything he needs with his current, or maybe he's just a man.

Doesn't matter.  

There must be men out there that i will have that response to, who won't choke me out.  Hahahahaha.

And single feels good.  I can do what i want and be available.

Who knows what the new year will bring?  

All i know is that the next man i choose will be a lucky son of a bitch.  I know how to treat a man. And he won't need to be flirting elsewhere.

Proud of me.  

He is an addiction

 Yesterday I minds well have lit up a cigarette.

I know that i can't.  Not ever.  Not even a drag off someone elses, because if i do, i will be buying a pack the next day.

Every once in a while i have a craving, and it always passes. 

Thats Carlos for me.  

A little bit of contact and now i'm having dreams.  Sexy dreams, granted.  But still.  He's been brought to the surface instead of a thought in the background.

He's the one who taught me i gave too much too fast.  And that a man can treat you kindly, give you great sex and make me feel so cared for.........and not have any feelings for me.  A true ladies man.  

Thats the feeling i want.  the ones i had when i was around him.  I want to cheat at scrabble and make up ridiculous words, watch movies, snack, and have great sex.  There was so much more i wanted to do with him. And it wasn't all about "being a couple" in public. 

So no.  I can't settle for Mister, or someone like Bill.  And i can't hold my happiness up to society's standards or "this is what a relationship looks like".

I want what we had.

FUCK.

Whatever.  I missed that boat, and so did he.  It wasn't all him.  It was me too.  And when i'm into a man, I'm a catch.  So we both lost.

Here in real life, Mister continues to prove to me that he is the same guy he says he wasn't anymore.  One track mind, what he wants, regardless.  Yesterday he asked me "when can i see you again" and i told him honestly "i don't know".  Mind you, he told me he was going to plan dates, and take care of everything, and i'd never have to do that- but he waits until the last minute to find out when i'm available this week?

okay.

I specifically told him that i would be on fire this week and very busy.  This morning, after I already told him "i don't know" he texts me that he hopes to see me tomorrow.  The day before Thanksgiving.

What part isn't he getting?  He isn't hearing me.  Same as before.  Exact reason i broke up with him 3 years ago. I recognize lip service and i'm not interested.

I'm. Not. Interested.

I can't have what i want.  And i don't want what i could have.

So i'll have to be happy with myself.  Cut the rest out.  

My vagina needs to shut the fuck up about Carlos.  

consider this

 Okay.

Time for me to have a talk with myself.  

Am i lonely?

No.

Is it because of Mister?

No.

I haven't been lonely as much as disoriented about what i want. And Mister coming into the picture again when he did felt like a good idea because he is a good man.

BUT i have known from the start that he is not the one.  Yes, i enjoy spending SOME time with him but he wants way more than i want to give him.  He is over the top.  He is too much.  And i need to let that sit where it is and not progress.  He has known from the start, i have been painfully transparent with him.  He chooses to continue to try and date me.

I made my friends buy a table at a brewery to go see a band he likes in December.  I'm trying to decide if i should just pay them back for the table and break it off with him before that.  At this point, i have had enough and the more time i spend with him, the worse i feel about knowing it's going nowhere.  I need to tell him sooner, not later.  

Okay. The table is the least of it.  I know he's responsible for himself and his feelings, but i still feel like i should FEEL something for this man that has gone all out.  I don't.  If anything, he is starting to annoy me beyond reason.  It's time. 

I hate breaking up with men.  After he scolded me for not returning his texts, and told me it was just decency to take a moment and respond........and i told him that wasn't going to happen and he had every right to expect it.......I thought he'd break up with me.

Or at least get it.

This situation is like karma to me.  I was Mister to Carlos.  I tried to force feelings on him that he wanted nothing to do with, and was completely honest about.  It was spending time and sex.  Thats it. And i made it uncomfortable because i chose to hang on and try to force feelings out of him that he told me he didn't have.

That is what Mister is doing and i hate how it feels.  So now i get it.

I'm so tired of searching for the whole package in one man.  It seems like so many men my age no longer care about sex, because they can't perform.  I'm not ready to just never have sex again.  I miss good sex.  And the good part?  Thats hard to come by.

Maybe Mister is a wild man in the bedroom for all i know.  But i doubt it.  My chemistry just doesn't respond to him.  If i could MAKE myself respond, i would.  But thats not real life and i'm not willing to settle.  He's a great guy for someone else.  Theres a woman out there waiting for him.  

That leaves me perpetually single. That doesn't feel bad at all actually.  No stress.  No worrying about hurting someones feelings. Peace.

But no intimate companionship.  No sex.  Ever?  

I tried to do the situationship thing with Carlos.  I pushed when i should have just enjoyed it for what it was.  I know he cared for me in his way.  It wasn't like he hated me.  So do i need that committment of "we are a couple" to enjoy a man?  

I thought so.  And maybe i do.  Maybe i'm considering a situationship (Carlos as far as i know is not available).  Here's what i do know.  Just a text from that man heats me up.  

If not him, someone else?  What is the likelihood of me finding that chemistry in a man that is not going to choke me out? or worse? The idea of putting myself in that situation ever again is a stupid one that could get me killed.

I know.  That sounds dramatic.  Yet, it happened and i was lucky it wasn't worse.  And no, it wasn't my fault but the fact remains that i put myself in a situation with a man who didn't deserve my trust.

And that's not happening again.

Not even for sex.

So whats a girl to do?  The man that makes me feel like a sexy sexual feminine being is with someone else.  And i'm no-ones side chick.  Ever.  I won't do that to another woman. Or go find someone to have a purely sexual relationship with?  Dangerous, although much easier than trying to find a partner in life.  

Same problem though.  These guys aren't honorable.  They sleep around all over the place.  I truly believe that Carlos was only fooling around with me. 

It's too much to think about.  But that little text conversation got me all ........horny.  God.  Thank you for THAT.  I'm not out of commission.  

his girlfriend

 Friday night the three of us went to Eddies for a "gathering".  We thought a couple of people, but in true Eddie fashion it was at least 50 throughout the night.  He told me that a childhood friend had passed and there was a memorial service set up that friends from out of town were gathering for, so he invited everyone over to his place the night before.  Then his daughter told him to invite us, meaning Doug, Jen and myself so he did.  His new lady friend would be there, and he wanted her to meet everyone.

Well.

We know why he is head over heals - or seemed to be at friendsgiving.  He's......um.......getting some and she knows exactly what to say to stroke the male ego.  Not that he is a dummy, no way, not even close.  BUT he does lead with his pecker.  Like many men i know.

We were a little bit shocked, but them more than me.  I thought she was classy, pulled together, and beautiful white hair.  I liked her outfit.  She looked like a class act.  But.....not very friendly.

She did not move from her seat at the dining room table, where she sat with a glass of wine.  She smiled, she nodded, and that was the extent of it.  Us three didn't know anyone either - it was a big neighborhood reunion and Eddie is the perfect host......He puts out a spread, and he cleans up and replenishes all while having a great time and talking to everyone.  

I thought it was kind of strange that he had her there, and she just sat there.  She didn't help him put food out that people had brought, or greet people as they came in, or help him in literally any way.  But okay, maybe she is shy, or reserved. 

Admittedly, it was a lot of people talking and socializing and she may have been overwhelmed.  I had my security couple with me, so i was free to be myself and make friends with people.  Which is kinda what you are supposed to do at a gathering .......isn't it?  

I am uncomfortable when i see someone who is uncomfortable.  At one point we were setting up tequila shots and i asked her to join us.  She said "oh no, i only drink wine" and i said okay......but i thought she would join us ladies in the fun, even if she was just standing with us.  I said you don't have to drink, come join us.  

Nope.

Jen hated her on sight.  I know this, because i know Jen.  

We were mingling, separately, Doug in heaven due to the amount of bourbons that were present - and I was having a blast.  When we eventually ended up in the living room I asked his lady (yes i know her name) if she would like to join us again, and this time she came and sat next  to me.  AFTER she told Eddie where she was going. 

Eddie is always aware.  We have traveled together several times and we have a good system.  He's very neat and clean and I make the bed when we get up.  We kinda take care of each other, but not in a romantic way.  We are just in tune.  We have a good vibe.  I know that he always knows where i am, what i'm doing and if i'm okay.  And vice versa.  We naturally gravitate towards each other because there is comfort there.  We are safe.

 But she wasn't social.  AT ALL.  and he is VERY social.  She wouldn't have had to say much if she was shy, just be friendly, be present.  Don't just sit there. Help the man for god's sake. 

So that was the first thing i noticed.

I did what i do when she came to sit next to me, and i started joking about the gigantic container of cheese balls that was on the sofa table.  And i made his brother open it. (who i just met) and it turned into a little funny interaction that everyone in the room joined in......just.....you know, socializing.  And she smiled.......and that was that.  When other people started gabbing together again i asked about her children, where she was from, blah blah, all the getting to know you, make you comfortable questions.  And i have to say.........meh.

But this is who Eddie likes so much so.....we like her too.  Thats that.  He came and sat in between us on the couch and she was on him like .........like i used to be around Carlos.  But we were alone, not at a party. She definitely likes her some Eddie.  She wanted to have a whole conversation with him, and just him.  While he was entertaining......

I don't get it. 

Then she ended up leaving early with some excuse.  He said she was supposed to stay the night.   I could tell he was surprised, but didn't seem distressed over it.  That was her first time at his house and he's never been to her house......I told him nothing like trial by fire.  Me being a woman, i think she got into a snit because he couldn't sit with her while he had a HOUSE FULL OF PEOPLE he invited ....duhhhh

His last girlfriend didn't want anything to do with even meeting us.  This one is ........reserved. I don't understand how he picks them.  This one seems very classy, but his last one scared the shit out of me and i only met her once.  She looked at me like i was shit on a shoe.  This one at least smiles.

Whatever.  He assures me he is going on the cruise, that he's not ditching us for a new woman, and also, that we will NOT be separating the bed into two because he likes to snuggle with me.

Okay Eddie.

And literally that is what will happen.  We might not be romantic, or want to be a couple, but the love is there and the comfort.  Plus i'll punch him in the dick if he tries anything.  He's too respectful for that.

sometimes i wish it was different.  That there was more than friendship.  but we just don't connect like that.  Doug and Jen would LOVE it, but they just have to settle with us looking like a couple and not being one LMAO.  Which is why we will probably always be friends.

Life is weird. Men are weird.

Mister is pissed.  I can tell.  just what i need.  

where to start?

 so many things!

The other night with Mister went flat.  He is still too much and i am still unaffected.  I've been telling myself that healthy relationships do not involve the extreme ups and downs, or even that butterfly feeling....that this is a healthy relationship because i feel nothing.

Ha.

I'd rather feel nothing alone.

First, it makes me an asshole.  Yes, i've been clear from the start, yes, i accept his gifts and his attention, yes, i've checked in with him to make sure he realizes i'm not making him promises.  Also, he seems to have the one track mind of he is waiting for me.

to what?

It's not him.  Yes, he is a good man.  Yes, he has his act together. Yes, he checks off the list in my brain of absolute musts.  BUT.......i feel nothing.  No need to see him, no smile when he texts me.  No wondering about him when im not with him.

This is a one sided street and i'm the stalled car holding up traffic.  This engine is spent.  She ain't going anywhere.  

Time to have that talk.  I could wait until after the holidays that are rolling up fast, where it would be absolutely understandable that i am unavailable to him but here's the thing.  It pisses me off that he thinks we are something we arent.  And i'm tired of reminding him, and tired of feeling like a user asshole even though he assures me he is doing exactly what he wants.

But im not.

No reason to break off something that was never on.  I know it will never be on.  Why?  Because i thought i was dead inside, that any feelings of excitement or giddiness at the thought of having someones company and SEX was a thing of the past.  Until last night.  Tipsy for the second night, out at a benefit, feeling myself, happy to be there and not be with a clinger......Just enjoying the music and the crowd and my friends......being able to go dance, or leave the group, or chit chat with people and not have someone watching and judging my every move.

After "our" band finished and i was sitting at the bar observing everything and feeling so content to just be out and be satisfied i got a revelation  that if i continued to see Mister, this would never be a thing again for me.  And that made me lonely.  (lots of alcohol is involved in these thoughts) and i thought of the men i've seen over the past couple of years.  Bill was a party in a box, he was ready to entertain the whole place all the time and could turn on a dime.  Also, he was always so incredibly focused on everything else that i minds well have not been there.  When he drinks, he entertains until he wants to fight.  Drink equal chaos.  Not safe.

And i don't want that either.

So no clingers, no chaotic mess, what the fuck do you want MB?

Someone like Carlos.  But i'd like him to want to keep me too.

He'd probably like me a lot better now than i was then.  I feel like i was a Mister to Carlos.  I wore my heart on my sleeve and i was too much.  I wanted way more than he wanted.  Thing is, i really had no clue what i wanted.

I thought of him, sitting at that bar looking at hookups in play, and couples who weren't interested in each other......and i thought "i would have a great time with Carlos".  Because i wouldn't want anyone else.  

And because I felt safe with him.  And cared for.  And the sex......

So instantly i feel warm, and spicy.  What???  Where the hell has this feeling been?  I thought it was dead and buried.  RIP vagina.  But no.  Think about Carlos for a hot second and bang.  Wet panties.

and alcohol.

So this idiot texts him.  And is asleep (ok passed out) when he responds in good humor.  And i wake up to his text and start giggling right before the mortification sets in.  Ohhhh for christs sake.  

But here's the thing.  I don't care if i embarrassed myself.  I took a chance.  And it made me feel alive.  And interested.  And wet.  And i want to feel that way with any man i'm going to commit myself to.  I want to laugh, enjoy each other, and not be up each others ass constantly.  I want that easiness of enjoying each others company without having to talk each other to death.  And .......sex.  yes, i want that too.  It doesn't matter what kind, but it matters who with.  

And i haven't felt like that before OR after him.  Granted, i haven't had sex since him - but i have fooled around with Bill who was an incredible kisser.  I bet he'd be good too.......but i never felt safe.  He was too all over the place and honestly, he was a jerk to everyone.  I didn't like him.  But i was so drawn to him.  He was a challenge.  Not a prize.

Would i see Carlos again given the opportunity?  yes.  Maybe all that fire is just in my memories, or maybe our chemistry is just on fire.  From the minute i saw him that first time, and then he opened his mouth and that voice, and those eyes..........and that skill.  oops.......here we go again.

Here is what i've learned about myself.

I do not need or want a man.  The feminist call of my generation........it's a lie.  I am complete, i can take care of myself, i still want THE RIGHT man, otherwise, i am happier alone.

Solved that problem.  I think we all know where Mister is headed.

I am drawn to masculinity, in many different forms (his appearance means nothing, its all about how he takes up space and the energy he throws) and without it, I will be the Sahara dessert  with zero desire for rain.  Dry.  And not looking to change it.  

I have made excusable mistakes in the past with men, making "him" be my focal point, over explaining my feelings to "him" expecting the return of feelings after basically scaring the shit out of "him" and have given way too much way too fast based on hormones.  Being celibate for as long as i have been, makes me realize it's not so bad.  It's preferable.  I sleep very well.

I had feelings for Carlos based on my physical reaction to him.  I had no control over my hands which needed to find their way to anywhere on his body.  I wonder if that is still a thing.  Maybe it was just for that time, how i was in my head, and had no chill. 

I had fun with him.  And with Bill.  I laughed a lot, and felt like a woman.  Around these men, i felt feminine and not weak.

Carlos never made me regret that.  Bill did.  Two completely different men.  And now Mister? I'm just not drawn to a man i feel more masculine then.  

That is mean.  But that is true.  An occasional poem, or sweet words - yes any woman would love that coming from the right man, who doesn't do that to everyone and only when it's a need to express it to you.  not contrived.  or meant to impress.  And thats what all these flowers and poems feels like to me.  Way too fucking much.  

Wonderful for a different kind of woman.

But i have the humor of a 12 year old boy, the attention span of, what?  And i'm a little rough around the edges if i let my guard down.  At work, professional, controlled, a bit scary........but after work?  My family makes me mush.  Jelly.  Melted. I'm overly protective of family and friends.......and i've learned to be protective of myself.

New development.

Calling me every day, texting me constantly, gifts, wanting my attention all the time.........those things do not make a man.  

Calling me when he has something to say, and answering the phone if i call with something to say.  Texting occasionally when i cross his mind, making plans to see me the next time before we part - including me in his thoughts and SOME plans, spending time in each others presence that isn't filled with constant talk....breaking bread together.  Respecting the space everyone needs to breath and sometimes not talk about whats on their mind.  Caring for each others comfort as separate people who want to be together.

All of this, and i have to believe there is a man out there somewhere that wants the same thing, and that until that time we meet, he will not settle for less either. 

How do i know?

 Am i doing what i always do and pull back from everyone when i'm feeling raw?  OR am i being selective in who i spend energy on when i'm at a point where i need to focus energy on my own healing?

It's hard to tell.

I'm highly productive when i spend the evening alone - listening to an audiobook or watching a movie while i make a blanket, or bullet journal.  I'm relaxed, and i'm focusing on the story while i produce a gift for a friend.

When i'm avoiding people, my classic defense mechanism, i'm ususally staring at walls and feeling like shit.

So maybe it's progress.

Yesterday i had a conversation with a co-worker who is retiring and she said she could never date again, and that she didn't want to.  She said going out in the public is never as fun as she thinks it's going to  be.  People are horrible.

And.........I hate to say this, but she's not entirely wrong.  Rudeness prevails in those streets.  And if you aren't about getting into a conflict, it's better to stay safe and stay home.

I so feel that.

I'd much rather go to a friends house than out in public.  It's expensive and it's around people.  

The life she described sounds so wonderful.  Home with our pets, doing our crafts, reading books, talking with long time friends........being happy in our space.  No stress, no drama, no pressure.

Yesterday i felt a LOT of pressure BECAUSE Tuesday night i got a "goodnight" from Mister.  No flowery prose, no youtube link for a song.......just "goodnight".  And yesterday morning i got a "good morning"......thats it.  Not big poetic welcome to the day.

And that made me pause.

Ah Ha! here it is!  the withdrawal.  

Now, he could be holding back due to me telling him he's a bit much.  OR he could be playing that man game.  How do i know? and honestly..........do i care?

The past couple of nights have been so lovely.  No talking.  Just being.  I feel reenergized.  And tonight he is coming over.  Why? I don't know.  We have no plans but i KNOW i do not want to sit around talking for hours on end.  I can't.  I won't.

And no dinner.  All this staying in when he's supposed to be 'courting" me........nope.  Take me out, or cook for me at your house.  

I think i'll tell him i need a coffee delivery, and ask him to come over around 7pm.  That's 2 hours before my bedtime.  I already told him i'd be doing laundry.

Am i being a bitch?  Is this how it's supposed to be and thats why it feels so alien?  I'm not ready to just break it off with him.  I do like him.  But he does stress me the fuck out.

Here's my motto "no decision needs to be made at this moment"  This isn't life or death.  I have time.  But if he tells me ONE MORE TIME how much i mean to him i'm going to lose my shit.

Doing it again

 Last night i wanted nothing to do with anyone.  

Mister called and i talked to him for a few minutes and then told him i was all peopled out and really just wanted to read my book and go to bed.

A few people called and i looked at my phone and just couldn't do it.

So i gave myself the grace to take the night off and not interact.  And i did it without feeling bad for a change.  It's okay to not want to chit chat.  

I've been taking on a lot of my besties stress when she calls.  It's always very negative and i try to advise her but i think there is a lot going on that i don't know about and it's none of my business.  I sometimes feel like her marriage is struggling.  Thats not something she would share with me. She has boundaries, but expects me not to.

And i've learned never to get in the middle of anyones marriage.  I see things.  And i say nothing.  

I feel like we are drifting apart again, as we sometimes do.  But this time its me.  I feel like i'm sheltering myself from other peoples stress.  I'm starting to realize that a lot of the feelings i have are not even about my own life.

And that needs to change.

Teflon baby.

Being kind and sucking up other peoples toxic situations are totally different.

And i've been keeping stuff between Mister and I private.  I don't feel the need to talk it out with anyone in any depth of detail.  I dont' feel like i'm drowning and trying to have someone throw me a life jacket.  I'm floating.  

taking things nice and slow and paying attention to MY feelings, not so much his.  Interesting.

stabbings

 what the hell is going on with all the stabbings lately?  And it's kids stabbing their parents, and killing them.

I should count my blessings that i never felt the need to stab my own parents.  Thats as close to a nice thing as i can say about my egg donor. I don't even know if she's alive.  

Again, counting my blessings.

Sunday night i decided to set up the automatic coffee maker, since it was out.  I set myself up and yesterday morning i woke up to the smell of fresh coffee brewing and all i had to do was pour myself a cup.  It was so nice.

And then i saw a video that said part of self care is doing something nice for future you every day.  I think i'll start with prepping coffee for the following morning.  I mean, it's not like having it served to me in bed as soon as i open my eyes............but it's a start.

The stuff i ordered for Jen's birthday arrived yesterday and i've started working on it.  She never asks for ANYTHING and is always giving me little gifts that she picks up if it reminds her of me.  So when she demanded i make her a blanket like her favorite one at my house......i ordered the yarn.  And she admired my bullet journal, so i ordered her a blank one and i'm making it for her.  

It makes me happy to make these things for her because i know she appreciates hand made items that didn't have to cost me an arm and a leg.  And like i said - i do laundry at her house, a LOT of laundry and eat meals there, and am treated like one of the family.  Making her these gifts is not even close to the thank you i have in my heart for her.

My relationship with her is not like any other.  Both Capricorn.  I feel like we've understood each other from the beginning.  Her daughter told us we are doing "parallel play- meaning we each do our own activities side by side and enjoy just being near each other.  She's not wrong.

And i'm comfortable at their home.  With my dog.  I never feel stressed that i'm doing something that will irritate someone, or be talked about as soon as i leave.

I can't say that about all my friends.

Unfortunately.

I'm taking the "let them" track recently.  Me telling someone I don't want to do something, and them still trying to talk me into it, and then being upset with me if i don't.........doesn't work for me anymore.  Let them be disappointed.  I can only tell someone so many times before i realize they don't want to hear what i'm saying.

Someone close to me wonders why no one invites her anywhere.  I love her dearly, we have a lot of time in, but she is judgemental.  Does she come out and SAY things?  No.  But the things her and her husband complain about are so entitled that it makes very clear they are not happy with anything and expect perfection.  And even then, they will find something to be disapointed in.

I'm here for her.  But i have started to step back, and not tell her as much as  i used to.  I don't want her opinion. I have to be selective in what i talk to her about and lately i just listen to her complain.

This is something i am addressing in therapy as well. 

success

 I finished the kitchen, cleaned the apartment, and cooked a turkey.  There was so much FOOD.  And laughing, and great conversation between everyone.  

Mister fit right in.  This was a "mixed" group of friends meaning i'm close to all that were there but they don't know each other.  So in a way, he wasn't the only one meeting new people.

And it all worked out perfectly.  Because i have awesome friends and perhaps he is a potential awesome "boyfriend". 

I was 100% myself, got a little tipsy and bawdy, cracking jokes and being obnoxious as i sometimes do around my friends .......he didn't get his panties in a bunch, or try to control me in any way shape or form, seemed to enjoy me as much as anyone and joined in on the banter.  He got a few good zingers in there that cracked everyone up.  He was attentive, and people noticed.  Ever the gentleman, always conscious of my needs.

Which i find uncomfortable, but i'm getting acclimated.  Never has a man doted on me.  Carlos treated me very well.  I always had a drink in hand and never went hungry or bored around him.  He was a great host, quite the ladies man - always made me feel comfortable.  And the sex. whew.  HOWEVER, he was not interested in me as a person, as much as entertainment.  He just had more class than the other men like him.

Being doted on is different.  Having a man care about what you might want or need and projecting it to make it happen before i'm even aware i want or need something..........that is different.  And i don't always know what to do with it, so i get irritated.

Did.  I'm now appreciating it.  It's like the tides are turning and it's me being treated the way i've always treated the men in my life.

hoping they would return the favor.

Well.  It's still too early to tell if he is genuine, or if this is an act.  I can't help my cynicism, i've earned it. 

Because thats what i do

 Yesterday i FINALLY got my town pistol permit after 3 months of waiting and wondering what the actual hell was taking so long?  My fault, for having let my permit expire.  That won't happen again because this process has been expensive and tedious.  And i'm a clean as a whistle good citizen- I cannot imagine how difficult this is for someone who isnt'.  

There is the part of me that screams this is unfair.  Criminals get guns for free.  Well, maybe not free but they get guns a LOT easier than the good citizen and that makes zero sense to me.  Also, the reality is I need to be able to protect myself, because criminals dont wait for the police to arrive before they carry out their plan.  And i'm not waiting either.  They have a plan, I have a plan.  We are fairly even.  Anyone who says there is no need, hasn't ever been in a situation where they have felt completely helpless because of not being prepared.  And i hope they never do.  

Anyone else literally tear apart their kitchen and redecorate it two days before hosting friendsgiving?  I work today.  And i have a lot on my plate.  Yettttttttttt  I woke up an hour ago and started ripping wallpaper off the wall and rearranging furniture amidst the dirty dishes from last night and general chaos of packages and stuffing strewn all over the apartment.  From stuff i bought.  Yes.  I went a little nutz.

Now listen........i don't have motivation very often to "do" anything to my apartment.  I always talk myself out of decorating because its a rental.  But the fact is, its my home.  I live here.  Until the foreseeable future i will BE living here.  And it needs to reflect me and the changes i've been going through.

Interesting to note here that the wallpaper i got for the accent wall in the kitchen is black.  BUT with pretty gold mushrooms and leaves and whispy things that feel very fantasyISH.  Not full blown teenage girl but definitely dark, fantasy grown woman.

And i think i'm going to love it.  That has to happen tonight, after work.  along with the cleaning and putting away of the clutter personal things that shouldn't be laying about when entertaining.  

AND my family is coming for thanksgiving and i want them to come back.  

And i feel a spurt of growth and need for change and this is what i do.  I change the aesthetic around me to match how i feel.  It comes out of nowhere, this inspiration.  But when it does, i better grab onto it and run or everything remains the same, including myself.

I used to just dye my hair a different color.

This is much more expensive.

BUT again, not that i need to validate it, but i do- spending money on the place i go to rest and feed myself IS valid.  I'm conscious that i'm not rich in money, but in spirit......why, yes, yes i am.

And i'm not having to consider anyone elses opinion.  JOY.

So please whoever reads this blog, (future self) don't judge. Be happy for this burst of inspiration and the energy and will to see it through.

  

thats different

 Had a nice talk with Mister on the phone last night.  He basically told me that i have been crystal clear about my feelings from day one and that he knows there is no promise of anything at any time.

And yet he still wants to see me.

He doesn't want me to feel like i "owe" him anything because of his generosity and reassured me that it gives him great pleasure to make me happy, and that he does "get something" from treating me well.

okay.

So i did explain to him how relationships for me in the past have felt transactional.  If someone did something nice for me, like give me a good backrup, it was always followed up with an accusational tone of "well i gave you a long backrub"........if that makes sense.  Nothing was given.  Everything was an "in turn" situation.

So i learned not to want anything, because it wasn't given freely.  And i didn't want the pressure of "have to" because my way of showing love wasn't good enough for them.

I've never been one that likes being told what to do, unless i'm assisting with something.  I know how to show love, it just has never been accepted.  Ever.

Yes, this is different.  And every time i feel like i need to let this man go by breaking it off with him we communicate, and i feel better.  And importantly, he also feels better.

He felt like he pushed too much when he tried to kiss me.  He was worried he was aggressive. He was not. And i told him that.  And also that due to several reasons that are most likely not permanent (but no promises) i just don't have a libido at this time.

Also not fair to him.  Also something he said he will take as it comes.

okay.

Emotionally mature, not chasing me for sex, and is more concerned with my happiness than anything else going on between us at the moment.

No wonder i'm out of sorts.  I've never experienced this.  And no, i don't trust it.  Yes, its scares me because what happens when he retracts it?  When it stops?  When he moves on to someone else after he gets me used to this treatment.

Realistically, i will have experienced how i should be and want to be treated going foward by any man.  And if we don't work out, i will at least know what my standard of treatment is.

I told him that Bill treated me well when he felt like it, and withdrew suddenly often and then the episode of ignoring my boundaries then making a joke out of it when i shared how scary it was for me....I told Mister that he took me out, cooked for me, that he treated me well most of the time.

Mister didn't like that.  He said "no Maribeth, he did not treat you well just because he took you out a few times.  He mocked your fear, and made a joke of it, and ignored your boundaries.  Once, twice, a million times........all it takes is once to disqualify him from being a good guy"

And that said a lot to me about who Mister is.  

Friendsgiving is this weekend and i'm very excited.  First time around my friends, pretty much all of my close friends.  Lets see how this goes.

and IF that goes well, he still has to get through my kids.  

why can't I?

 Mister treats me like a queen.  Opens car doors, (won't let me touch a door period) always drives, takes me places, makes sure i eat, pays for everything, compliments me constantly, brings me gifts, and flowers........writes me poetry.  

And last night he initiated a kiss and i backed off. 

I felt a door slam shut in my head. "no".  I've kissed him before, little pecks of appreciation.  but a passionate kiss?  nope.

First off, i don't know why i'm so against any kind of sexual contact all of a sudden.  I want nothing to do with it. And that is going to be a problem eventually.  For Mister.  Not for me.

Maybe its because my medication has been doubled.  It won't always be.  But for now, it is and i don't want to feel pressured.

and i do.

Not because he is pressuring me, but because i'm not a "taker" naturally.  some would say "receiver" to me it's the same thing.

How do i continue to "receive" when it feels as if i'm giving nothing?

I am naturally drawn to him while sitting together, i can cuddle with him all day.  Is that becuase he is constantly rubbing my head, or shoulders, or back or arms?  Never with the feeling that it will become more than that?

There's a first.

Also, he bit my feet.

Also a first.

I'm not sure yet, if i enjoyed that. It was different.  

I almost feel like it is impossible for me to "turn on" at this time.  

And yesterday, he exhausted me.  I asked him if he was on drugs, or nervous.....but something was keeping this man talking a mile a minute ALL DAY.  To the point, I couldn't follow his words because my brain said "enough".  And i told him.  You are exhausting me.  I don't understand a word you are saying.  

I felt like i kicked a puppy.

In fairness, we don't spend a couple of hours together.  It's an all day event that goes right up until i go to bed.  It's a lot.  

He may be too much, or I may be not enough.  I'm in a holding pattern while in therapy.  I was honest about my committment to myself, but somehow i feel as if he isn't listening to that.  

He told me if i end it with him he will be hurt.

great.  Thanks.  

But here is my hardcore self talking to my wishy washy self......."let him".  I was honest from the get go about how much i am willing to put into this at this time, with no promises of that changing once i complete therapy.  He jumped in, without a lifevest and i told him there was no lifegaurd on duty.

Swim at your own risk.

And so i remind myself: i did not ask for this, i was honest in all regards, i am following MY feelings, not someone elses, and he is a grown man. He can bail.  I am not a project.  Just because i'm spending time on getting my head and emotions cleaned up doesn't mean i need fixing.

I am whole.  

Day off

 Tomorrow is a holiday so i took today (Monday) off to make it a long weekend.  Friday after work i drove to Milford, with all my laundry, just like a kid coming home from college for the weekend.  I was supposed to go to NY this weekend, but my signals got crossed with my daughters and it didn't happen. So instead, i ran away to my second home.

It's different now, with their grown daughter and grandchildren living there.  But i was jealous.  I wish i could spend that kind of time with my granddaughter, but i know my daughter would loath to move home with me and she doesn't need to.  She's got her act together.  Not that theirs doesn't....she's got TWO kids and the father isn't as active as my daughters ex is with his kids.

I could see living with my daughter as long as i gave up any kind of opinion or control.  She is as strong willed, if not more so, than i am.  Two women at the head with a granddaughter..........nope, she would have to be the boss.  And i'm not ready to give up control.

So there i stayed, basking in their family life, and they took me to the beach so we could walk it - I can't believe they don't go all the time since they live within walking distance.  I think all my oooohing and ahhhhing over their good luck made them look differently at it.  I'm always so relaxed with them.

And i needed to escape.

Therapy was therapy on friday.  what more can i say.  I rather hate all this digging up of the past and wallowing around in it.  I'm told it's temporary, that we are moving on next week.  Thank god.  I'm a grown up, i don't need to blame my childhood for my stupidity now.

Yesterday i came home in the morning per usual, and Mister came over in the late afternoon.  He was in a mood when he showed up and i opened my damned mouth and asked him what was wrong.

Ask and you shall receive.  fuckin A.

He was feeling like he is a good option on paper, but that possibly i wasn't interested in him.  That i was trying to force myself into him.

okay. Valid.

But as i was talking to him i realized that i do enjoy his company.  I didn't have to see him yesterday - i could have stayed in Milford, or i could have done what i usually do which is hide to myself on sunday.  But i didn't.  I let him know i was home, and available.  Because i do like him.

And thats what i told him.  

Along with, i wasn't getting deeply attached or involved in his life until i was done with therapy.  That i wasn't going to put him first, or think of "us" first.....that i am a solo flyer at the moment because it has to be that way.  

And then i agreed, yes, we are dating.

WTF.

And then i kissed him.  But it was playful and to make him feel better, not to get him hot and bothered. I'm not ready for that.  I don't know when i will be.

But i sure do like his massages.  I can't lie.  He asked me if i wanted to lay down and i told him straight up my bedroom is off limits.  And then we laughed.  Point was received i guess.......no sexy time any time in the near future.

I want to get throught the holidays and not worry about a man.  It's that simple.  I want to go on my cruise and not worry about a man.  I don't want to every have to worry about a man every again, quite frankly.  So we will see, again, how this all plays out.

He has the freedom to do as he pleases, as do I.  

As it should be, in any relationship. period.

My daughter is coming to visit for Thanksgiving because my granddaughter wants to stay here with me.  I'm very excited.  And my son and his wife are coming the next day.  I am a very happy mama, and hope that this becomes the tradition.  Christmas will be in NY, of course.  My only granddaugter calls the shots with me.  What she wants ,she shall have.

And there is Friendsgiving at my house next weekend.  Don't know what i was thinking, but i'm mixing all my friends, well most, my closest friends, with Mister and i'm cooking the turkey.  lord help us.  I'm trying not to stress.  It will be a good day and hopefully another tradition that can grow to include any of my friends that want to come.  

So life is fairly good.  I'm still feeling the residuals of sadness, and it hangs around in my peripheral vision, never that far.  Historically, this is a rough time of year for me (and many others) and with that in mind i think i'm doing really well.

Here's to keeping it up.  Cheers. 

I knew it

 I'm not responsible for other peoples lives or feelings, as long as i am being transparent and truthful.  I keep telling myself this.  I do not carry the load of anyone elses feelings.  I'm not committed, i've made no promises, he knew what the situation was when he made his choice.

Mister showed up last night with a gift.  Its a thingy you put on the doorway and it makes it virtually impossible to kick the door in.  ?  He said he wants me to to safe.  He saw this, thought of me and bought it.

He is generous, and it was thoughtful, but i wonder what is in his head?  He worries about my "safety". My life is not that thrilling.  I haven't pissed off any organized crime ring to my knowledge.....i'm very cognizant of keeping things secured.  But okay.  Thank you.

And he brought dinner, already cooked.  I made him plate it, and we ate.  He pushed my fucking chair in.  Wouldn't eat until i took the first bite.

Is this over the top?  Is anyone this chivalrous for real?  Is it a game? an act?

Okay.  Thank you.

We finally picked a movie, well i did.  Clint Eastwood, one of his oldies.  And then i promptly fell asleep while Mister rubbed my shoulders, neck and head.  I think i drooled.  I know i snored.  He must have been bored out of his mind.

He says no.  He knows i'm tired.  He "just wants me happy".  

Okay.  Thank you.

I came out of my stuper and grabbed his hand and gave him a good massage to loosen up his fingers which i'm quite sure were hurting by that point.  He acted like i gave him the moon.  So i did his other hand.  

And he kept giving me those eyes and saying how much he cares for me.......i told him to knock it off, relax.  And finally i told him he was pressuring me.  I needed him to back it up.  I cannot, I will NOT return those feelings until i get my own feelings under control.

He was a little hurt, i could tell.  But i've been clear.  If he can't deal with it, or doesn't back it up, i will need to stop seeing him until i'm done with therapy.  

I don't want to hurt this man.  I'm finally in a position of putting myself first and trying to get through my shit.  Even if i stop therapy, focus on him and jump into a relationship......it won't last.  I will self sabotage if he is good to me, and i will become obsessed with him if he is not.  Not healthy.  Not what i want.  I want to be able to accept good treatment and trust it.  And run from men who make me feel out of control.

Those days are over.  I STILL check out Bills facebook to see what he's doing.  Not as often, and not with as much stabbing pain in my chest......but enough to concern my sanity.  No, i won't block him.  That would send him a signal and i KNOW he watches what i'm doing and is waiting for me to make a move.  I know him.  He is psycho..........just like me.  And thats what makes it a no go.

I don't want to be like this.  

I want peace.  Happiness.  With, or without a man.  But definitely NOT with a brutal, fucked up man.  My head knows i need to value myself.  My heart doesn't believe i deserve it.  On a whim i can reach out to that toxic ex, just like sticking my tongue onto a canker sore.  I somehow need the reminder of pain.

okay.  enough for now.  Therapy this morning and i did NOT do my homework.

bad mood comes from?

 woke up cranky and in a dark mood this morning.  Hello there, i wondered when you were making another appearance.

I did not cancel Mister coming over to visit tonight.  I told him i was cranky, was going to need some time to myself after work, and could he come over later.  He agreed, and is also bringing dinner.

Using my words seems to be helpful and productive.  He is a very agreeable person.  I'm still trying to figure out why.  And is he like this for everyone?  And does that even matter?

Am i purposely being awful to him to see how far i can push him before he gives up?  Something to discuss tomorrow with my therapist i suppose.

I'm trying not to panic, but the feeling keeps rising in my chest.  In the shower this morning i was thinking i should just cut ties, and then i won't have to have all the feelings.  I can still just be alone.  But another voice in my head - a calm one, said to wait.  Don't make rash choices.  I wanted a man like this and he arrived on my doorstep almost literally.

During one of the worst days of my depression and anxiety, when i was spiraling out of control....he sent me that message.  And because i'm not a total asshole, i responded to his laying his heart at my feet.  I told him i am not emotionally ready to even entertain the thought of someone else in my life right now.

And he said he just wanted to spend time with me.  No strings.  No sex.  No ties.  Just time.  And so we have been.  

And it sometimes makes me panic.

But i can find no reason for it.

Pinterest saved me

 This morning i felt like i was "skipping" a beat.  Did i turn that water on?  Did i forget to put my coffee cup in the Kuerig after i hit "start"....yes.

And i almost got out of the shower without rinsing the conditioner out of my hair.

Imagine trying to get dressed.  I did put on a cute, fitted, short dress....and had the common sense to remember i am going to work not a rave.  Tore my closet apart, and finally opened pinterest for a quick look at things i had pinned for future dressing issues...like this.

Long black dress, High top black boots, denim jacket, hoops, done.

Thank you Pinterest.

I haven't been to the gym once.  Every morning i think of it.  And decide "tomorrow"........i need to get on the stick.  No one is going to make me do it.  I have to do this myself.  

Unlike cooking a turkey.  I had 7 different people telling me how to cook my turkey.  Guess what?  It's my turkey and i'll cook it the way i want.

With trepidation, tears, and love.  I will clean out the cavity like a grown ass woman, no gagging, no crying, maybe a little swearing.  I will be viewing many many recipes and because everyone is bringing something, i can focus on this bird and making it the best bird it can be.

Mister tried to tell me not to get this, and that.........i told him he is a guest and he can do what he likes at his home, but i wasn't asking for advice.  He said i sounded short tempered, and i suggested that was because i am.  Leave my bird to me buddy.  He, like many men, rush in to help when no help was requested.  Trust the process.  

Besides, he didn't like my idea to put his television over the fireplace at his house.  So mind your beeswax.  

Its very strange staking my claim on independence when at my home, and relinquishing all care to control at his house.  He is ocd for sure.  His home is spotless and i went to wash my hands in his bathroom sink after holding the lizard, and touching the snakes......he nearly passed out when i tried to use one of the sinks.......not THAT sink, this sink.  Is this sink broken?  No, it was not.  But use means having to clean an extra sink.

okayyyyyyyyyy.

I was going to crack on his shower doors, which could use some attention, but i'm not mean.  It would have sent him over the edge.  And he would have cleaned them that moment i'm sure.

Learning triggers is interesting.  He is very clean.  I appreciate that.  I can't wait till he pisses me off and i bring crackers to eat in bed...........i never said i wasn't a little evil.

He treats me well.  I treat him well.  We don't agree on a lot of things, but are able to discuss them.  He's not like anyone i've ever considered falling for.  I let him go 3 years ago because i didn't see a future with him.  Both of us have changed, grown, and compromised.  And here we are, taking it slow - developing boundaries.

Like my turkey.

And his second sink.

Might be weird, but.....it is what it is.  

And i really am looking forward to seeing him again.  

I can only imagine what it's like to have this good treatment be real and continue.

I did send him a leather binder to keep his rough drafts of his poetry in, and a box of my favorite fancy pens that don't smudge.  He was over the moon, like i paid off his mortgage.

So maybe he needs to get used to good treatment too.  However, there is no controlling my mouth or moods so......

In other news, I had a really good personal conversation with my "new" boss and we were talking about the gym.  He was really encouraging and i think i'm going to actually start using my membership here at work.  Tomorrow morning!

Hosting friendsgiving

 I'm hosting friendsgiving for the first time ever.  It's only 7 people, but i'm starting to get nervous.

I hate cleaning the turkey.  Sticking my hands into its body is just.........nope.  Someone is going to have to clean it.  

Thats all i have to do.  All the sides and desserts are arriving so my turkey better be FANTASTIC.  And i will decorate.  

I kind of can't wait to do this "by myself" the first time ever, and i'm also afraid i will mess it up.

But what are the holidays without a little stress for your loved ones, right?

I put everyone into a facebook chat group so we know who is bringing what and people can kind of chat a bit before the day.  I'm mixing friend groups - so this will be a first.  Also, Mister will be making his debut as my "friend" because that is what he is.

I want to play a game too but i haven't figured out which one yet.  I think that will be fun.  And hopefully there will be a game on and anyone who doesn't want to play a game can watch one.

I'm nervous.  And excited.

And hopefully this will become a tradition.  

Sensitive men

 I am so uncomfortable with sensitive men, who are in touch with their emotions - some would say their feminine side.  I literally do not know what to do with that.

But its what i've always said i want- a man who can speak to me, share his emotions, be able to understand mine.  Now that i have it, i deflect.  I avoid.  I become........masculine.

And i don't want to be masculine.  I want to be the girl.  And that is the twisted shit in my head that allows me to go out with men who act like neanderthals, can't show emotion, (unless it's anger or disdain) and close me out.  

A man who gives me thoughtful tokens of his affection, writes poetry with me in mind, caters to my every want or need - who picks me up at my home to bring me to his home for a homecooked dinner and a movie with no sex.....then brings me home.  

I've never had anyone go so far out of their way - to the point, i'm not allowed to touch his car door handle.  Getting in OR out.  I am to wait and have me safely deposit me into the car, and to retrieve me out of it.

WTF.

Last night he showed me his notebook of his poetry in progress.......and this morning i ordered him a leather 3 ring binder, because he had said he'd have to get a binder to keep it all together.....in passing, but i immediately thought "i got this"....and some fancy pens that don't smudge because he's a lefty.

And it felt good.  A small token of MY affection to arrive on his doorstep this evening...

This is the woman i want to be.  The one who notices, who acts on, who values.  I used to be that girl - and i loved her generosity.  Not that i'll be buying him gifts all the time - but he appreciates what i create as well.......and i have an idea for his birthday.

It's fun to think of what i can create for him that will make him emotional.

And i see the desire in his eyes, and how he restrains himself.  I layed with my head in his lap and he stroked my hair throughout the entire movie.....I thought of Carlos, and how time would pass and i wouldn't be able to stop touching him.  How my hands had a mind of their own, even when it wasn't sexual.  And i think i understand how it feels to receive that attention now.  It's nice.   It's comforting.  I felt safe because he respects my boundaries.

Even if i question my own boundaries.

BUT - no moves will be made until the end of  this treatment.  I need to know myself better than anyone else, so i can truly appreciate a man who gives instead of takes.

I'm uncomfortable.  I'm letting myself be uncomfortable.  For all the emotions, and affection and attention that i've always craved and yet do not believe.  I'm letting the softness rise to the surface and peak her head out............is this real?  How long will this last?  Will i be hurt if i grow to need this?

I don't know.  BUT, regardless.  I deserve this.  I deserve to be treated well, and allowed to give all my affection, no holding back (like i am now).  Lets see how this goes.  Taking time,  exploring emotions instead of bodies, getting to know each other.

I brought 3 flowers from his bouquet to work with me today, to remind myself that there is a man willing to put in time without me putting out my body.  for a while.  

Because i have boundaries and he respects them.  That means the world to me.