why can't I?

 Mister treats me like a queen.  Opens car doors, (won't let me touch a door period) always drives, takes me places, makes sure i eat, pays for everything, compliments me constantly, brings me gifts, and flowers........writes me poetry.  

And last night he initiated a kiss and i backed off. 

I felt a door slam shut in my head. "no".  I've kissed him before, little pecks of appreciation.  but a passionate kiss?  nope.

First off, i don't know why i'm so against any kind of sexual contact all of a sudden.  I want nothing to do with it. And that is going to be a problem eventually.  For Mister.  Not for me.

Maybe its because my medication has been doubled.  It won't always be.  But for now, it is and i don't want to feel pressured.

and i do.

Not because he is pressuring me, but because i'm not a "taker" naturally.  some would say "receiver" to me it's the same thing.

How do i continue to "receive" when it feels as if i'm giving nothing?

I am naturally drawn to him while sitting together, i can cuddle with him all day.  Is that becuase he is constantly rubbing my head, or shoulders, or back or arms?  Never with the feeling that it will become more than that?

There's a first.

Also, he bit my feet.

Also a first.

I'm not sure yet, if i enjoyed that. It was different.  

I almost feel like it is impossible for me to "turn on" at this time.  

And yesterday, he exhausted me.  I asked him if he was on drugs, or nervous.....but something was keeping this man talking a mile a minute ALL DAY.  To the point, I couldn't follow his words because my brain said "enough".  And i told him.  You are exhausting me.  I don't understand a word you are saying.  

I felt like i kicked a puppy.

In fairness, we don't spend a couple of hours together.  It's an all day event that goes right up until i go to bed.  It's a lot.  

He may be too much, or I may be not enough.  I'm in a holding pattern while in therapy.  I was honest about my committment to myself, but somehow i feel as if he isn't listening to that.  

He told me if i end it with him he will be hurt.

great.  Thanks.  

But here is my hardcore self talking to my wishy washy self......."let him".  I was honest from the get go about how much i am willing to put into this at this time, with no promises of that changing once i complete therapy.  He jumped in, without a lifevest and i told him there was no lifegaurd on duty.

Swim at your own risk.

And so i remind myself: i did not ask for this, i was honest in all regards, i am following MY feelings, not someone elses, and he is a grown man. He can bail.  I am not a project.  Just because i'm spending time on getting my head and emotions cleaned up doesn't mean i need fixing.

I am whole.