Sensitive men

 I am so uncomfortable with sensitive men, who are in touch with their emotions - some would say their feminine side.  I literally do not know what to do with that.

But its what i've always said i want- a man who can speak to me, share his emotions, be able to understand mine.  Now that i have it, i deflect.  I avoid.  I become........masculine.

And i don't want to be masculine.  I want to be the girl.  And that is the twisted shit in my head that allows me to go out with men who act like neanderthals, can't show emotion, (unless it's anger or disdain) and close me out.  

A man who gives me thoughtful tokens of his affection, writes poetry with me in mind, caters to my every want or need - who picks me up at my home to bring me to his home for a homecooked dinner and a movie with no sex.....then brings me home.  

I've never had anyone go so far out of their way - to the point, i'm not allowed to touch his car door handle.  Getting in OR out.  I am to wait and have me safely deposit me into the car, and to retrieve me out of it.

WTF.

Last night he showed me his notebook of his poetry in progress.......and this morning i ordered him a leather 3 ring binder, because he had said he'd have to get a binder to keep it all together.....in passing, but i immediately thought "i got this"....and some fancy pens that don't smudge because he's a lefty.

And it felt good.  A small token of MY affection to arrive on his doorstep this evening...

This is the woman i want to be.  The one who notices, who acts on, who values.  I used to be that girl - and i loved her generosity.  Not that i'll be buying him gifts all the time - but he appreciates what i create as well.......and i have an idea for his birthday.

It's fun to think of what i can create for him that will make him emotional.

And i see the desire in his eyes, and how he restrains himself.  I layed with my head in his lap and he stroked my hair throughout the entire movie.....I thought of Carlos, and how time would pass and i wouldn't be able to stop touching him.  How my hands had a mind of their own, even when it wasn't sexual.  And i think i understand how it feels to receive that attention now.  It's nice.   It's comforting.  I felt safe because he respects my boundaries.

Even if i question my own boundaries.

BUT - no moves will be made until the end of  this treatment.  I need to know myself better than anyone else, so i can truly appreciate a man who gives instead of takes.

I'm uncomfortable.  I'm letting myself be uncomfortable.  For all the emotions, and affection and attention that i've always craved and yet do not believe.  I'm letting the softness rise to the surface and peak her head out............is this real?  How long will this last?  Will i be hurt if i grow to need this?

I don't know.  BUT, regardless.  I deserve this.  I deserve to be treated well, and allowed to give all my affection, no holding back (like i am now).  Lets see how this goes.  Taking time,  exploring emotions instead of bodies, getting to know each other.

I brought 3 flowers from his bouquet to work with me today, to remind myself that there is a man willing to put in time without me putting out my body.  for a while.  

Because i have boundaries and he respects them.  That means the world to me.