too much

 I didn't have to stress over when to tell Mister we aren't going to work out.  He handed it to me on a silver platter.

This past weekend I had made plans that did not involve him.  His birthday was on Sunday but he told me more than a few times that it was just another day.  I felt no obligation to make it a special day - partially because it would feed into his intensity that "we" are a couple.

I told him i would be away all weekend and didn't know when i'd be home sunday.  Even that felt like too much.  I don't answer to him.  

Friday night was at Eddies, and Mister texted a few times, and i ignored it.  I'm not on my phone all night when i'm with friends.  Saturday night i was at a metal concert with my friends drinking and whooping it up.......he texted me some long drawn out thing that i couldn't understand.  So thats what i said, "I don't get it".........and he then gave me some long explanation.......to which i responded "i'm drunk".

Leave me alone.

And thats when i had my little epiphany that if being friends with this man is this much, what would a relationship look like?  NO.  And so it was confirmed.  I was not ever going to have romantic feelings for this man.  And i knew i'd have to tell him. But not while i was drinking.

No, instead i drunk texted Carlos.  

The next day, i texted Mister a happy birthday.  And then i went about my day.  I did not tell him when i arrived home, or try to see him or call him.  I did not want to.

And i no longer do what i don't want to do where men are concerned.

Previously, Mister had given me some shit about not answering his texts, or taking too long to answer. I told him that I was never going to answer all his texts , which are multiple and that I would respond if i felt it warranted a response when i was damn good and ready.  I also told him that he had every right to expect and want whatever his heart desired, and the perhaps, he should consider that while thinking of me as his potential partner.

Did he get it? No.

I have been clear as day since day one, and with multiple conversations of "this is not my focus, i am not promising you anything"..........and it all fell on deaf ears, even when he repeated it back to me.  Why?  Because he hasn't changed from the man he was 3 years ago when i broke up with him then.  It was all about what he wanted, and moving at full steam ahead to get there, regardless of what i was saying to him.

I bring this up because last night he called me and i was sleeping 1/2 an hour after i came home from work.  I was tired.  I fell asleep and didn't wake up again until late.  And i knew he was mad.  And that shouldnt' have even been a thing.  So when he called tonight, and i was half asleep relaxing.......i answered the phone to get this over with.

And he launched into a 5 minute speech of his feelings about this weekend and my lack of interest, blah blah blah.........and when he finished i told him he was right.  It wasn't going to work with us, and then i told him a few reasons why he was the same man he used to be - and he didn't know how to read a room.  Then i gave him the example of him knowing i was just waking up for his call and he launched into a tirade........wrong fucking move buddy.

There was a period in my life where i allowed men who were important to me to speak down to me, or disrespect me, and those days are long over.  I'm not your child, you will not scold me like one.  You can fuck right off.

Talk to me.  Use your big boy words, but don't EVER talk down to me.

So i handed him his ass, in the most polite and clear way........And that was that.  Finit.  And NO, mister, I do not want you to feed my cat while i'm on my cruise.

I feel so much better.  Free.  

I'm single and staying that way until a man makes me tingle the way Carlos does. I can't respect a man who behaves like a lovesick woman.  When i started seeing myself in Misters actions, it was a huge turn off.  Both because he's supposed to be the man and I don't want to ever be that kind of woman again.

I had fun texting with Carlos but i also am very aware that my feelings are not now, nor have they ever been, shared.  What i wanted with him was a relationship.  What i accepted just to be near him was a situationship.  And I got hurt.  But he told me.  

Now, he wants entertainment.  And i can't do that without giving a part of myself up to him.  And i won't do that.  Today was fun, and now it's done.  I'm not giving myself, or my feelings away to any man who hasn't earned them.  Not even him.

I didn't go on 52 first dates this year, like i said i would.  I could have, but the quality of men just isn't good enough for me.  That sounds snotty and .........i don't care.  I'm worth more than being bulldozed into a relationship i don't want, and being a sexting buddy.  

I want it all baby.  And any man would be lucky to have me.  I'm glad i finally caught on to that.  I'M the catch.  These men want so much less than what i offer.  They should continue to date what they are comfortable with.  Because i'm never going to dumb myself down or let a man treat me as less than I am just to keep him. 

"My" man will be perfect in my eyes.  And i won't be able to stop touching him.  And i will be amazed at everything he does, and think he walks on water.  Because IN MY EYES, he will be everything good in my world.  

If not, then he's not the one.  

Goodnight.