I knew it

 I'm not responsible for other peoples lives or feelings, as long as i am being transparent and truthful.  I keep telling myself this.  I do not carry the load of anyone elses feelings.  I'm not committed, i've made no promises, he knew what the situation was when he made his choice.

Mister showed up last night with a gift.  Its a thingy you put on the doorway and it makes it virtually impossible to kick the door in.  ?  He said he wants me to to safe.  He saw this, thought of me and bought it.

He is generous, and it was thoughtful, but i wonder what is in his head?  He worries about my "safety". My life is not that thrilling.  I haven't pissed off any organized crime ring to my knowledge.....i'm very cognizant of keeping things secured.  But okay.  Thank you.

And he brought dinner, already cooked.  I made him plate it, and we ate.  He pushed my fucking chair in.  Wouldn't eat until i took the first bite.

Is this over the top?  Is anyone this chivalrous for real?  Is it a game? an act?

Okay.  Thank you.

We finally picked a movie, well i did.  Clint Eastwood, one of his oldies.  And then i promptly fell asleep while Mister rubbed my shoulders, neck and head.  I think i drooled.  I know i snored.  He must have been bored out of his mind.

He says no.  He knows i'm tired.  He "just wants me happy".  

Okay.  Thank you.

I came out of my stuper and grabbed his hand and gave him a good massage to loosen up his fingers which i'm quite sure were hurting by that point.  He acted like i gave him the moon.  So i did his other hand.  

And he kept giving me those eyes and saying how much he cares for me.......i told him to knock it off, relax.  And finally i told him he was pressuring me.  I needed him to back it up.  I cannot, I will NOT return those feelings until i get my own feelings under control.

He was a little hurt, i could tell.  But i've been clear.  If he can't deal with it, or doesn't back it up, i will need to stop seeing him until i'm done with therapy.  

I don't want to hurt this man.  I'm finally in a position of putting myself first and trying to get through my shit.  Even if i stop therapy, focus on him and jump into a relationship......it won't last.  I will self sabotage if he is good to me, and i will become obsessed with him if he is not.  Not healthy.  Not what i want.  I want to be able to accept good treatment and trust it.  And run from men who make me feel out of control.

Those days are over.  I STILL check out Bills facebook to see what he's doing.  Not as often, and not with as much stabbing pain in my chest......but enough to concern my sanity.  No, i won't block him.  That would send him a signal and i KNOW he watches what i'm doing and is waiting for me to make a move.  I know him.  He is psycho..........just like me.  And thats what makes it a no go.

I don't want to be like this.  

I want peace.  Happiness.  With, or without a man.  But definitely NOT with a brutal, fucked up man.  My head knows i need to value myself.  My heart doesn't believe i deserve it.  On a whim i can reach out to that toxic ex, just like sticking my tongue onto a canker sore.  I somehow need the reminder of pain.

okay.  enough for now.  Therapy this morning and i did NOT do my homework.