Skip to main content

I knew it

 I'm not responsible for other peoples lives or feelings, as long as i am being transparent and truthful.  I keep telling myself this.  I do not carry the load of anyone elses feelings.  I'm not committed, i've made no promises, he knew what the situation was when he made his choice.

Mister showed up last night with a gift.  Its a thingy you put on the doorway and it makes it virtually impossible to kick the door in.  ?  He said he wants me to to safe.  He saw this, thought of me and bought it.

He is generous, and it was thoughtful, but i wonder what is in his head?  He worries about my "safety". My life is not that thrilling.  I haven't pissed off any organized crime ring to my knowledge.....i'm very cognizant of keeping things secured.  But okay.  Thank you.

And he brought dinner, already cooked.  I made him plate it, and we ate.  He pushed my fucking chair in.  Wouldn't eat until i took the first bite.

Is this over the top?  Is anyone this chivalrous for real?  Is it a game? an act?

Okay.  Thank you.

We finally picked a movie, well i did.  Clint Eastwood, one of his oldies.  And then i promptly fell asleep while Mister rubbed my shoulders, neck and head.  I think i drooled.  I know i snored.  He must have been bored out of his mind.

He says no.  He knows i'm tired.  He "just wants me happy".  

Okay.  Thank you.

I came out of my stuper and grabbed his hand and gave him a good massage to loosen up his fingers which i'm quite sure were hurting by that point.  He acted like i gave him the moon.  So i did his other hand.  

And he kept giving me those eyes and saying how much he cares for me.......i told him to knock it off, relax.  And finally i told him he was pressuring me.  I needed him to back it up.  I cannot, I will NOT return those feelings until i get my own feelings under control.

He was a little hurt, i could tell.  But i've been clear.  If he can't deal with it, or doesn't back it up, i will need to stop seeing him until i'm done with therapy.  

I don't want to hurt this man.  I'm finally in a position of putting myself first and trying to get through my shit.  Even if i stop therapy, focus on him and jump into a relationship......it won't last.  I will self sabotage if he is good to me, and i will become obsessed with him if he is not.  Not healthy.  Not what i want.  I want to be able to accept good treatment and trust it.  And run from men who make me feel out of control.

Those days are over.  I STILL check out Bills facebook to see what he's doing.  Not as often, and not with as much stabbing pain in my chest......but enough to concern my sanity.  No, i won't block him.  That would send him a signal and i KNOW he watches what i'm doing and is waiting for me to make a move.  I know him.  He is psycho..........just like me.  And thats what makes it a no go.

I don't want to be like this.  

I want peace.  Happiness.  With, or without a man.  But definitely NOT with a brutal, fucked up man.  My head knows i need to value myself.  My heart doesn't believe i deserve it.  On a whim i can reach out to that toxic ex, just like sticking my tongue onto a canker sore.  I somehow need the reminder of pain.

okay.  enough for now.  Therapy this morning and i did NOT do my homework.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I love ChatGPT

 I am extremely transparent with my emotions because i do not have the ability to NOT be.  My only option when i'm having any feelings is to talk in a very low, slow, monotone voice and keep my face as blank as i possibly can. Unless they mean something to me. Unless i care about them and how they treat me.  So while i'm perfectly okay with never seeing or hearing from Mr. Cigar again, in light of his true self unveiling, I am overthinking my expression of emotions to him.   I took this little conversation and put it into ChatGPT with no questions or directions and this is what i got back: This exchange captures a painful and emotionally charged moment. Your initial message was heartfelt, vulnerable, and expressed a genuine desire for connection and acknowledgment. His response, while polite on the surface, carried a sharp undercurrent of blame and finality—deflecting accountability and subtly rewriting the narrative as your fault. Ending it with “safe travels ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

I danced.

 This past Saturday night i revisited what it felt like to be the zero fucks ME.   I had talked myself out of going out that night.  I dragged my ass around the house and thought of every reason to text my girlfriend an excuse about why i wasn't going out. I had many valid reasons.  Putting on real clothes, trying to make myself attractive, going somewhere i've never been all by myself to walk up to a man i've been talking to, but haven't ever met face to face.   Okay, Mb.  Just put on your sassy pants and go do it.  Nothing to lose, everything to gain.   But PJs.   No.   On my way I get a text from my gf, she's running late.  When i get to the venue I ask her "how late" and she says about 1/2 an hour. She's picking up our other 2 girlfriends. Do i sit out here in the car for half an hour like a baby when his gig starts in half hour, or do i go inside by myself (getting used to that) and find him, say hello ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

Same stuff

 Nothing new to report.   I've been managing my anxiety, trying to, at least.  I know when it's kicking up and i know it's temporary.   Still doing physical therapy, walking, stretching, losing weight VERY slowly.  Not so easy to lose it at my age.  But i have an appointment in September to discuss hormone replacement and i think that may help me out with body aches and lethargy. Mr. Cigar is as busy as ever, yet always manages to make me feel important in his life.  It's been only 3 months and that shocks me a little bit.  Feels like it's been so much longer.  The pace is perfect, and it's nice to not have to make power moves with him.   I need to see my kids.  I think about them daily and know they have busy lives.  But i feel disconnected sometimes.  Same with some of my friends.  It's really hard for me to reach out.  To anyone. And i've also been enjoying my "do absolutely nothing" time. ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »