Sitting here, doing watercolors as i wait patiently for my girls to arrive. My granddaughter just woke up and they are catching the noon train.
No worries. Take your time. This is a relaxing day to be grateful. Time means nothing. Just. Be.
I woke up excited. This weekend my home will shelter my babies. Grown ups, with lives of their own now. But still those two children in footsies, "helping" me in the kitchen while the Thanksgiving Day parade played on the television. The quiet time of day, before we were rudely forced out of our cozy home to go endure the family dinner which took place at a very specific time. Or hell would break loose.
But that was then. This, is now. My son and his wife will arrive tomorrow, to spend the day and night - all of us together. And for that, i cannot be any more grateful. What more is there to want?
My coffee ritual in the morning - the pouring of it, the holding its warmth in my hands and the strong aroma unblemished by sugar or cream. Pure coffee. The taste, strong and slightly bitter on my tongue -heat sliding down my throat as my brain begins to clear up.
A hot shower, water pounding on my back as i stand and just let it run over me. The clean fresh scent of the shampoo i scrub into my scalp, slippery bubbles sliding down my back. The face scrub that washes the wrinkles away in my mind and the rough african cloth covered in body wash, sloughing the dead skin cells off my body and down into the drain. Leaving me smooth, and clean and smelling fresh. Born new.
My home, where nothing matches on purpose and where every thing, every item, means something to me, has a story or a memory attached to it. Or brings me comfort. My books, my pictures of family and friends strewn about in places i will see them every day. My blankets, cozy and warm and shared with friends who visit. Candles that throw a gentle glow, and slight scent - shadows dancing beneath them. My Alexa, yes, i am grateful for her too........she plays the music i want to match my mood.
Today i am so peaceful i should check my pulse. Holidays are usually so hard, so sad, so underwhelming and yet they seem to get better every year recently. What has changed? My expectations, my "have to's" and letting go of what everybody else thinks a holiday should be.
What does it matter the exact day and time? Family together, friends together, sharing food and drink - finding comfort in each others presence as the days grow shorter and darker, and the world becomes colder.......maybe meaner. We take comfort in each other's existence.
Friends and family that are no longer part of our immediate life, remembered with love. Memories that can finally bring a smile and maybe a laugh now that the pain has subsided. Time does that. Even when the dull ache of loss remains, a lightness from memories of good times, silly times, comes to the forefront where they belong in celebration of the time we spent together. They live on.
I mourn the childhood of my children, where i was so busy surviving and providing that i forgot to enjoy. And i revel in the time spent with my granddaughter where all i need to do is be with her, listen to her, hug and squeeze her until she laughs too hard. Accept her little body as she slides up under my arm to cuddle. My heart. I don't know how it doesn't beat right out of my chest.
"I love you grandma".....the sweetest words no one ever told me would be the epitome of my life.
These are the thoughts that warm in my brain as i sit here doing watercolors on the day of thanks.
And i am grateful.
Comments
Post a Comment