consider this

 Okay.

Time for me to have a talk with myself.  

Am i lonely?

No.

Is it because of Mister?

No.

I haven't been lonely as much as disoriented about what i want. And Mister coming into the picture again when he did felt like a good idea because he is a good man.

BUT i have known from the start that he is not the one.  Yes, i enjoy spending SOME time with him but he wants way more than i want to give him.  He is over the top.  He is too much.  And i need to let that sit where it is and not progress.  He has known from the start, i have been painfully transparent with him.  He chooses to continue to try and date me.

I made my friends buy a table at a brewery to go see a band he likes in December.  I'm trying to decide if i should just pay them back for the table and break it off with him before that.  At this point, i have had enough and the more time i spend with him, the worse i feel about knowing it's going nowhere.  I need to tell him sooner, not later.  

Okay. The table is the least of it.  I know he's responsible for himself and his feelings, but i still feel like i should FEEL something for this man that has gone all out.  I don't.  If anything, he is starting to annoy me beyond reason.  It's time. 

I hate breaking up with men.  After he scolded me for not returning his texts, and told me it was just decency to take a moment and respond........and i told him that wasn't going to happen and he had every right to expect it.......I thought he'd break up with me.

Or at least get it.

This situation is like karma to me.  I was Mister to Carlos.  I tried to force feelings on him that he wanted nothing to do with, and was completely honest about.  It was spending time and sex.  Thats it. And i made it uncomfortable because i chose to hang on and try to force feelings out of him that he told me he didn't have.

That is what Mister is doing and i hate how it feels.  So now i get it.

I'm so tired of searching for the whole package in one man.  It seems like so many men my age no longer care about sex, because they can't perform.  I'm not ready to just never have sex again.  I miss good sex.  And the good part?  Thats hard to come by.

Maybe Mister is a wild man in the bedroom for all i know.  But i doubt it.  My chemistry just doesn't respond to him.  If i could MAKE myself respond, i would.  But thats not real life and i'm not willing to settle.  He's a great guy for someone else.  Theres a woman out there waiting for him.  

That leaves me perpetually single. That doesn't feel bad at all actually.  No stress.  No worrying about hurting someones feelings. Peace.

But no intimate companionship.  No sex.  Ever?  

I tried to do the situationship thing with Carlos.  I pushed when i should have just enjoyed it for what it was.  I know he cared for me in his way.  It wasn't like he hated me.  So do i need that committment of "we are a couple" to enjoy a man?  

I thought so.  And maybe i do.  Maybe i'm considering a situationship (Carlos as far as i know is not available).  Here's what i do know.  Just a text from that man heats me up.  

If not him, someone else?  What is the likelihood of me finding that chemistry in a man that is not going to choke me out? or worse? The idea of putting myself in that situation ever again is a stupid one that could get me killed.

I know.  That sounds dramatic.  Yet, it happened and i was lucky it wasn't worse.  And no, it wasn't my fault but the fact remains that i put myself in a situation with a man who didn't deserve my trust.

And that's not happening again.

Not even for sex.

So whats a girl to do?  The man that makes me feel like a sexy sexual feminine being is with someone else.  And i'm no-ones side chick.  Ever.  I won't do that to another woman. Or go find someone to have a purely sexual relationship with?  Dangerous, although much easier than trying to find a partner in life.  

Same problem though.  These guys aren't honorable.  They sleep around all over the place.  I truly believe that Carlos was only fooling around with me. 

It's too much to think about.  But that little text conversation got me all ........horny.  God.  Thank you for THAT.  I'm not out of commission.