bad mood comes from?

 woke up cranky and in a dark mood this morning.  Hello there, i wondered when you were making another appearance.

I did not cancel Mister coming over to visit tonight.  I told him i was cranky, was going to need some time to myself after work, and could he come over later.  He agreed, and is also bringing dinner.

Using my words seems to be helpful and productive.  He is a very agreeable person.  I'm still trying to figure out why.  And is he like this for everyone?  And does that even matter?

Am i purposely being awful to him to see how far i can push him before he gives up?  Something to discuss tomorrow with my therapist i suppose.

I'm trying not to panic, but the feeling keeps rising in my chest.  In the shower this morning i was thinking i should just cut ties, and then i won't have to have all the feelings.  I can still just be alone.  But another voice in my head - a calm one, said to wait.  Don't make rash choices.  I wanted a man like this and he arrived on my doorstep almost literally.

During one of the worst days of my depression and anxiety, when i was spiraling out of control....he sent me that message.  And because i'm not a total asshole, i responded to his laying his heart at my feet.  I told him i am not emotionally ready to even entertain the thought of someone else in my life right now.

And he said he just wanted to spend time with me.  No strings.  No sex.  No ties.  Just time.  And so we have been.  

And it sometimes makes me panic.

But i can find no reason for it.