thats different

 Had a nice talk with Mister on the phone last night.  He basically told me that i have been crystal clear about my feelings from day one and that he knows there is no promise of anything at any time.

And yet he still wants to see me.

He doesn't want me to feel like i "owe" him anything because of his generosity and reassured me that it gives him great pleasure to make me happy, and that he does "get something" from treating me well.

okay.

So i did explain to him how relationships for me in the past have felt transactional.  If someone did something nice for me, like give me a good backrup, it was always followed up with an accusational tone of "well i gave you a long backrub"........if that makes sense.  Nothing was given.  Everything was an "in turn" situation.

So i learned not to want anything, because it wasn't given freely.  And i didn't want the pressure of "have to" because my way of showing love wasn't good enough for them.

I've never been one that likes being told what to do, unless i'm assisting with something.  I know how to show love, it just has never been accepted.  Ever.

Yes, this is different.  And every time i feel like i need to let this man go by breaking it off with him we communicate, and i feel better.  And importantly, he also feels better.

He felt like he pushed too much when he tried to kiss me.  He was worried he was aggressive. He was not. And i told him that.  And also that due to several reasons that are most likely not permanent (but no promises) i just don't have a libido at this time.

Also not fair to him.  Also something he said he will take as it comes.

okay.

Emotionally mature, not chasing me for sex, and is more concerned with my happiness than anything else going on between us at the moment.

No wonder i'm out of sorts.  I've never experienced this.  And no, i don't trust it.  Yes, its scares me because what happens when he retracts it?  When it stops?  When he moves on to someone else after he gets me used to this treatment.

Realistically, i will have experienced how i should be and want to be treated going foward by any man.  And if we don't work out, i will at least know what my standard of treatment is.

I told him that Bill treated me well when he felt like it, and withdrew suddenly often and then the episode of ignoring my boundaries then making a joke out of it when i shared how scary it was for me....I told Mister that he took me out, cooked for me, that he treated me well most of the time.

Mister didn't like that.  He said "no Maribeth, he did not treat you well just because he took you out a few times.  He mocked your fear, and made a joke of it, and ignored your boundaries.  Once, twice, a million times........all it takes is once to disqualify him from being a good guy"

And that said a lot to me about who Mister is.  

Friendsgiving is this weekend and i'm very excited.  First time around my friends, pretty much all of my close friends.  Lets see how this goes.

and IF that goes well, he still has to get through my kids.