where to start?

 so many things!

The other night with Mister went flat.  He is still too much and i am still unaffected.  I've been telling myself that healthy relationships do not involve the extreme ups and downs, or even that butterfly feeling....that this is a healthy relationship because i feel nothing.

Ha.

I'd rather feel nothing alone.

First, it makes me an asshole.  Yes, i've been clear from the start, yes, i accept his gifts and his attention, yes, i've checked in with him to make sure he realizes i'm not making him promises.  Also, he seems to have the one track mind of he is waiting for me.

to what?

It's not him.  Yes, he is a good man.  Yes, he has his act together. Yes, he checks off the list in my brain of absolute musts.  BUT.......i feel nothing.  No need to see him, no smile when he texts me.  No wondering about him when im not with him.

This is a one sided street and i'm the stalled car holding up traffic.  This engine is spent.  She ain't going anywhere.  

Time to have that talk.  I could wait until after the holidays that are rolling up fast, where it would be absolutely understandable that i am unavailable to him but here's the thing.  It pisses me off that he thinks we are something we arent.  And i'm tired of reminding him, and tired of feeling like a user asshole even though he assures me he is doing exactly what he wants.

But im not.

No reason to break off something that was never on.  I know it will never be on.  Why?  Because i thought i was dead inside, that any feelings of excitement or giddiness at the thought of having someones company and SEX was a thing of the past.  Until last night.  Tipsy for the second night, out at a benefit, feeling myself, happy to be there and not be with a clinger......Just enjoying the music and the crowd and my friends......being able to go dance, or leave the group, or chit chat with people and not have someone watching and judging my every move.

After "our" band finished and i was sitting at the bar observing everything and feeling so content to just be out and be satisfied i got a revelation  that if i continued to see Mister, this would never be a thing again for me.  And that made me lonely.  (lots of alcohol is involved in these thoughts) and i thought of the men i've seen over the past couple of years.  Bill was a party in a box, he was ready to entertain the whole place all the time and could turn on a dime.  Also, he was always so incredibly focused on everything else that i minds well have not been there.  When he drinks, he entertains until he wants to fight.  Drink equal chaos.  Not safe.

And i don't want that either.

So no clingers, no chaotic mess, what the fuck do you want MB?

Someone like Carlos.  But i'd like him to want to keep me too.

He'd probably like me a lot better now than i was then.  I feel like i was a Mister to Carlos.  I wore my heart on my sleeve and i was too much.  I wanted way more than he wanted.  Thing is, i really had no clue what i wanted.

I thought of him, sitting at that bar looking at hookups in play, and couples who weren't interested in each other......and i thought "i would have a great time with Carlos".  Because i wouldn't want anyone else.  

And because I felt safe with him.  And cared for.  And the sex......

So instantly i feel warm, and spicy.  What???  Where the hell has this feeling been?  I thought it was dead and buried.  RIP vagina.  But no.  Think about Carlos for a hot second and bang.  Wet panties.

and alcohol.

So this idiot texts him.  And is asleep (ok passed out) when he responds in good humor.  And i wake up to his text and start giggling right before the mortification sets in.  Ohhhh for christs sake.  

But here's the thing.  I don't care if i embarrassed myself.  I took a chance.  And it made me feel alive.  And interested.  And wet.  And i want to feel that way with any man i'm going to commit myself to.  I want to laugh, enjoy each other, and not be up each others ass constantly.  I want that easiness of enjoying each others company without having to talk each other to death.  And .......sex.  yes, i want that too.  It doesn't matter what kind, but it matters who with.  

And i haven't felt like that before OR after him.  Granted, i haven't had sex since him - but i have fooled around with Bill who was an incredible kisser.  I bet he'd be good too.......but i never felt safe.  He was too all over the place and honestly, he was a jerk to everyone.  I didn't like him.  But i was so drawn to him.  He was a challenge.  Not a prize.

Would i see Carlos again given the opportunity?  yes.  Maybe all that fire is just in my memories, or maybe our chemistry is just on fire.  From the minute i saw him that first time, and then he opened his mouth and that voice, and those eyes..........and that skill.  oops.......here we go again.

Here is what i've learned about myself.

I do not need or want a man.  The feminist call of my generation........it's a lie.  I am complete, i can take care of myself, i still want THE RIGHT man, otherwise, i am happier alone.

Solved that problem.  I think we all know where Mister is headed.

I am drawn to masculinity, in many different forms (his appearance means nothing, its all about how he takes up space and the energy he throws) and without it, I will be the Sahara dessert  with zero desire for rain.  Dry.  And not looking to change it.  

I have made excusable mistakes in the past with men, making "him" be my focal point, over explaining my feelings to "him" expecting the return of feelings after basically scaring the shit out of "him" and have given way too much way too fast based on hormones.  Being celibate for as long as i have been, makes me realize it's not so bad.  It's preferable.  I sleep very well.

I had feelings for Carlos based on my physical reaction to him.  I had no control over my hands which needed to find their way to anywhere on his body.  I wonder if that is still a thing.  Maybe it was just for that time, how i was in my head, and had no chill. 

I had fun with him.  And with Bill.  I laughed a lot, and felt like a woman.  Around these men, i felt feminine and not weak.

Carlos never made me regret that.  Bill did.  Two completely different men.  And now Mister? I'm just not drawn to a man i feel more masculine then.  

That is mean.  But that is true.  An occasional poem, or sweet words - yes any woman would love that coming from the right man, who doesn't do that to everyone and only when it's a need to express it to you.  not contrived.  or meant to impress.  And thats what all these flowers and poems feels like to me.  Way too fucking much.  

Wonderful for a different kind of woman.

But i have the humor of a 12 year old boy, the attention span of, what?  And i'm a little rough around the edges if i let my guard down.  At work, professional, controlled, a bit scary........but after work?  My family makes me mush.  Jelly.  Melted. I'm overly protective of family and friends.......and i've learned to be protective of myself.

New development.

Calling me every day, texting me constantly, gifts, wanting my attention all the time.........those things do not make a man.  

Calling me when he has something to say, and answering the phone if i call with something to say.  Texting occasionally when i cross his mind, making plans to see me the next time before we part - including me in his thoughts and SOME plans, spending time in each others presence that isn't filled with constant talk....breaking bread together.  Respecting the space everyone needs to breath and sometimes not talk about whats on their mind.  Caring for each others comfort as separate people who want to be together.

All of this, and i have to believe there is a man out there somewhere that wants the same thing, and that until that time we meet, he will not settle for less either.